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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌 Post new topic   Reply to topic
一个孩子的独白 Previous  [1]2
nobody
进士出身


Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-19 05:31:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

原稿更好些。
我也贴过类似的,跟大家再分享一下。

今天晚上可真冷
91,10

今天晚上可真冷
孩子拧不动暖气阀
水更冷,盘子趁机挣脱
奔向瓷,并把碎声弄得很大

爸爸去赌
妈妈去跳舞
孩子抱着绒线球
缩在沙发里看电视

别人的爸爸问孩子
──宝贝,眼怎么肿了
谁欺负你了
快告诉爸爸

可是这个孩子的爸爸
从来不问
他不用问
因为那就是他干的

节目全完了
可怜的孩子睡着了
紧紧抱着绒线球
脸上还挂着泪珠

起风了,风真大
它侧着身
从门缝里探进来
它来推销寒冷

可看到只有一个孩子
脸上还挂着泪珠
就悄悄退出去
不忘把门带上
_________________
I'm nobody! Who are you?
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-21 03:57:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

学习!!!
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-21 05:49:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

hepingdao wrote:
这是比较难写的主题
如果要去批谁
正面反面很难把握

比较好的办法, 就是把故事, 用最独特和悬念的手法表现出来

由读者去下自己的判断
是是非非


呵呵,我同意岛主的观点,可惜当时功力不够,就只能写成那样了~ Very Happy
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-21 05:55:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

你这首诗歌比较成熟,发
起风了,风真大
它侧着身
从门缝里探进来
它来推销寒冷

可看到只有一个孩子
脸上还挂着泪珠
就悄悄退出去
不忘把门带上

这两段很精彩~问好 Very Happy
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