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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

追梦·永不倦缩------志超的心声

志超
童生

Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 7
Location: 中国北京
志超Collection

Posted: 2007-05-15 07:06:58 Post subject: 追梦·永不倦缩------志超的心声

刹那间徘徊着生死何宇;何宙绝不落魄为寇穿梭时光聆听着幸福脚步王之路途难耐光曝即使是上帝的锻炼它也绝不接受垂死挣扎只是一小步谁会被感动？即使我没能力去实现梦想但我至少有能力去追逐勇敢者的道路！ _________________ 让它在土下静静沉睡在对的时间对的地方萌发成长直到生命的终结

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2007-05-15 07:52:50 Post subject:

铿锵有力~~ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

changan
童生

Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39

changanCollection

Posted: 2007-05-16 07:20:29 Post subject:

追梦·永不倦缩刹那间徘徊着生死何宇，何宙绝不落魄为寇穿梭时光聆听着幸福脚步王之路途难耐光曝即使是上帝的锻炼它也绝不接受垂死挣扎只是一小步谁会被感动？也许，它会在土下静静地沉睡对于时间已毫不在乎直到生命的终结志超：我把你的诗和你的个性签名组合到一起了．　　　当否？　　　 _________________ 在生活中寻找诗歌，在诗歌中寻找生活。创作生活的诗歌，创造诗样的生活。

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2007-05-16 07:23:49 Post subject:

勇敢者的道路！ _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

志超
童生

Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 7
Location: 中国北京
志超Collection

Posted: 2007-05-19 06:25:03 Post subject:

changan : 劳您费心给我修改诗歌，谢谢。不过，我认为：“即使是上帝的锻炼它也绝不接受”就突出了时间不等人的紧迫感，对于人生路而言我很在意时间。大家也都认为我的最后一段语句过于复杂，可我不才，尝试了很多次，就是无能为力。 _________________ 让它在土下静静沉睡在对的时间对的地方萌发成长直到生命的终结

俞伟远
秀才

Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Posts: 282

俞伟远Collection

Posted: 2007-05-19 07:25:39 Post subject:

节奏感问好 _________________ 俞伟远：１９６７生，１９８７大学毕业、工作。19９０年后几乎与诗绝缘，2006年春重拾笔，感悟生活，凝望心灵，自得其乐。http://blog.sina.com.cn/txyuweiyuan

龙飞
童生

Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 40

龙飞Collection

Posted: 2007-05-20 00:33:36 Post subject:

《追梦·永不倦缩》运用直抒胸臆的手法　将作者的内心炽热的感情进行宣泄。　气脉贯通，节奏感很强。

志超
童生

Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 7
Location: 中国北京
志超Collection

Posted: 2007-05-20 08:39:50 Post subject:

谢龙飞啊不过我需要批评~~~ 嘿嘿 _________________ 让它在土下静静沉睡在对的时间对的地方萌发成长直到生命的终结

changan
童生

Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39

changanCollection

Posted: 2007-05-21 00:08:08 Post subject:

志超 wrote:

changan :
劳您费心给我修改诗歌，谢谢。
不过，我认为：“即使是上帝的锻炼
它也绝不接受”就突出了时间不等人的紧迫感，对于人生路而言我很在意时间。

大家也都认为我的最后一段语句过于复杂，可我不才，尝试了很多次，就是无能为力。

其实，味道还是不大一样．
各人理解不同吧，见笑了．
_________________
在生活中寻找诗歌，在诗歌中寻找生活。创作生活的诗歌，创造诗样的生活。

草原牧歌
童生

Joined: 21 May 2007
Posts: 23

草原牧歌Collection

Posted: 2007-05-22 00:56:00 Post subject:

内有筋骨，欣赏！

志超
童生

Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 7
Location: 中国北京
志超Collection

Posted: 2007-05-26 05:44:11 Post subject: 网友“流浪诗人”帮我修改最后一段

追梦·永不倦缩刹那间徘徊着生死何宇，何宙绝不落魄为寇穿梭时光聆听着幸福脚步王之路途难耐光曝即使是上帝的锻炼它也绝不接受垂死挣扎只是一小步谁会被感动？执着的追求理想我不知道是否能够成功但至少有我要努力去追逐用血汗去开辟勇敢者的道路！ _________________ 让它在土下静静沉睡在对的时间对的地方萌发成长直到生命的终结

陈若祥
秀才

Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection

Posted: 2007-05-27 04:14:25 Post subject:

修改后情感更强烈，与全诗的基调也更协调！ _________________ ¤当树的叶子再次泛绿，繁华 ¤我们欣赏着一部与你我无关的电影 ¤看着春天悄悄地走来 ¤看着春天延伸在我们的脚下 ◆安徽凤鸣诗社◆http://blog.sina.com.cn/fmshishe

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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