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秋韵
白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-10 13:56:00    Post subject: 秋韵 Reply with quote

秋韵

飞了的飞了, 一片片
从曾经的眷恋跌落
张狂, 羞涩
就连最后几叶破损
也被秋风卷走

我坐在窗前
听鸟儿唱着昨日的歌
寒蟬之后
盘旋的五光十色
注入魔的幽灵
张开雪鸥的翅膀

记忆, 记忆在红叶跌落之后
从风的胸膛吐出
冰刀一般切开脑颅
眼前一片苍白
冷酷的冬真的来了
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作和诗友黄崇超<他们走后>
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-10 14:53:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

秋给人很多人生变幻的伤感
触动很多记忆

这个题目也很经典
Very Happy
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写诗是为了写更好的诗
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-11 04:27:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

冰刀一般切开脑颅
眼前一片苍白
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杯中冲浪.披履而行
http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006
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维鹿延
秀才


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 212
Location: 中国广东
维鹿延Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 07:58:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

秋天无数,在诗人的心里总有一般滋味啊。
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散步者身体里面的声音
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 19:08:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

和平岛, 北方狼, 维鹿延, 谢谢
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changan
童生


Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39

changanCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-11 19:52:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

动词运用得不错!
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在生活中寻找诗歌,在诗歌中寻找生活。创作生活的诗歌,创造诗样的生活。
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-11 21:09:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

去掉:注入魔的幽灵 。特别是“魔”字



冰刀一般切开脑颅 :本人一向认为过真的语言就是专制和暴力。削弱了美感。变通一下。

整体很好,写出了“冬”。个见请谅!
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 04:33:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

韩少君 wrote:
去掉:注入魔的幽灵 。特别是“魔”字



冰刀一般切开脑颅 :本人一向认为过真的语言就是专制和暴力。削弱了美感。变通一下。

整体很好,写出了“冬”。个见请谅!

喜欢你的点评,我也学习一盘~ Very Happy 问好月光妹妹和少君!
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子花
秀才


Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 05:21:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

来学习!!!问好各位诗人!
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