老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
 Posted: 2007-05-06 05:14:09 Post subject: 画眉鸟 |
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不用浓妆粉黛凝，
天生眉秀貌娉婷。
无须笛伴金歌起，
独领风骚万啭鸣。
当年花下竞风流，
漫舞轻歌任自由。
一夕牢笼困薄命，
谁怜清怨断肠愁？
故园东麓望空林，
紫燕双归又一春。
君有相思寄鱼雁，
我怀离恨诉何人？ |
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晓松
举人
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1192
晓松Collection |
| Posted: 2007-05-06 07:48:43 Post subject: |
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拜读欣赏。从三个角度分别勾画出了画眉鸟的特征、境遇和心情，手法细腻，生动形象。
问好新朋友！ |
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莹雪
进士出身
Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国－辽宁·三燕故都
莹雪Collection |
| Posted: 2007-05-06 17:17:51 Post subject: |
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| 欢迎新朋友！ |
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冰清
同进士出身
Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921
冰清Collection |
| Posted: 2007-05-07 19:20:14 Post subject: |
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| 细腻的情思! |
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老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
| Posted: 2007-05-11 01:22:22 Post subject: 谢谢 |
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谢谢莹雪、冰清吟长的鼓励。
老山 |
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晓松
举人
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1192
晓松Collection |
| Posted: 2007-05-14 19:51:17 Post subject: |
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“当年花下竞风流”，读起来朗朗上口，但用在画眉鸟，现在想来，似有不妥。
蝶恋花，蜂采蜜，说蜂蝶花下竞风流，合乎情理，画眉鸟总是在高高的枝桠上展歌喉，任自由。 屈身于花下，竞风流？当年？
恕冒昧。 |
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老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
| Posted: 2007-05-15 23:24:45 Post subject: 谢谢 |
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| 晓松吟长的意见很好，将“花下”改为“枝上”如何？ |
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