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《一碗面》
郑士渊
童生


Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Posts: 49

郑士渊Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-23 02:58:50    Post subject: 《一碗面》 Reply with quote

《一碗面》

火车一夜没睡,从原路返回
我挤进火车匆匆去赶一个会
由于没吃早饭就买了一碗面
抬头发现一双双饥饿的眼睛
和粘满灰尘的小脸
他们是一群外出打工的人
此时没吃早饭却比我坚强
紧闭嘴唇不发出一声吞咽
一碗面五元对他们不是小数目
想送,这么多孩子,不知给谁


僵硬的面
我不敢揭开
滚烫的泪落下去
会伤害干渴的喉咙
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剑熔
秀才


Joined: 27 May 2006
Posts: 111

剑熔Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-23 04:15:21    Post subject: 学习!问好! Reply with quote

僵硬的面
我不敢揭开
怕引爆一片哭声
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郑士渊
童生


Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Posts: 49

郑士渊Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-23 14:42:46    Post subject: 剑诗兄好! Reply with quote

谢鼓励!
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尹士林
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Joined: 26 May 2006
Posts: 416
Location: 河北保定易县中学
尹士林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-23 16:20:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

感情表达不错。过于写实,冲淡了诗意。
_________________
忧郁过、犹豫过,从未放弃过!!!!!
河北易县中学 尹士林
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张少林
童生


Joined: 21 Jun 2006
Posts: 89

张少林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-23 17:02:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

与士林同感。情感可贵,问好。
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乐园成也
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Joined: 27 May 2006
Posts: 228

乐园成也Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-24 06:03:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

提读:))问好!
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郑士渊
童生


Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Posts: 49

郑士渊Collection
PostPosted: 2006-06-24 22:55:21    Post subject: 谢各位指正! Reply with quote

我又改了。
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