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蝶恋花
千橡诚
童生


Joined: 12 May 2013
Posts: 9
Location: 美国
千橡诚Collection
PostPosted: 2013-05-12 12:34:32    Post subject: 蝶恋花 Reply with quote

唯爱莲花无富贵
玉立亭亭
含笑迷人醉
为妇持家生子对
她香厨艺明贤惠.

同浪天涯途漫漫
心有灵犀
相映合光灿
今世情缘牢系绊
鸳鸯永作春来盼
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桃园郎
童生


Joined: 06 Mar 2013
Posts: 53
Location: 中国四川省大英县
桃园郎Collection
PostPosted: 2013-05-12 21:28:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

蝶恋花是仄声韵,一韵到底的。朋友的作品上阕是“ui”韵脚,下阕却是“an”韵脚。上下不一致。
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千橡诚
童生


Joined: 12 May 2013
Posts: 9
Location: 美国
千橡诚Collection
PostPosted: 2013-05-13 13:35:13    Post subject: 蝶恋花 Reply with quote

多谢指点, 已修改。
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