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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

耶酥的赤足

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2006-11-01 21:34:14 Post subject: 耶酥的赤足

耶酥的赤足踏在土地上他的赤足在土地上走过走过了很多的地方坚硬的或是柔软的有水的有石砾的风吹着的阳光照耀的土地已经沧桑了多少岁月它并不清楚它从来没有选择过是什么人走过它告诉世界：无论是什么人因为只要是生命除了人还有人称之为的动物植物难道植物不具备生命吗一切生命在它的苍穹里都在同一个起点后世的信徒要把人的类别加以区分土地说道：耶酥曾经这样做过吗？信徒们每个人都说是耶酥的旨意可是耶酥走过土地的时候是寂寞的他的嘴唇紧闭他的眼睛仰望着土地上的苍穹有鸟儿飞过有鹿儿奔跑阳光照耀

左岸
秀才

Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection

Posted: 2006-11-02 02:30:21 Post subject:

信徒们每个人都说是耶酥的旨意可是耶酥走过土地的时候是寂寞的他的嘴唇紧闭他的眼睛仰望着土地上的苍穹有鸟儿飞过有鹿儿奔跑阳光照耀语言叙述流畅，尾节视野顿觉开阔。 _________________ 黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2006-11-02 17:32:26 Post subject:

耶酥走过土地的时候是寂寞的

和平岛
举人

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection

Posted: 2006-11-02 17:57:42 Post subject:

语言营造出的气势是本诗歌的特色思考上也有一些深度: 从土地出发, 上生到高空最后用诗歌的语言而不是说教来说明信徒们所坚持的不一定都是对的: 他的眼睛仰望着土地上的苍穹有鸟儿飞过有鹿儿奔跑阳光照耀语言上应该还可以精炼一些 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2006-11-04 20:40:22 Post subject: 拜读各位的点评

谢谢左岸，月光谢谢和平岛先生

孙慧峰
童生

Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 97

孙慧峰Collection

Posted: 2006-11-15 03:33:42 Post subject:

结尾很不错~

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2006-11-16 17:07:50 Post subject: 多谢

还好吧, 多谢~~

蓝桥
秀才

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 105

蓝桥Collection

Posted: 2006-11-17 03:56:05 Post subject:

不错的一个，不过还有凝练的空间！问好！

左岸
秀才

Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection

Posted: 2006-11-22 14:23:14 Post subject:

再读题材新颖的诗作。 _________________ 黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河

北美一郎
童生

Joined: 11 Mar 2013
Posts: 32

北美一郎Collection

Posted: 2013-03-13 07:57:47 Post subject:

耶酥走过土地的时候是寂寞的他的嘴唇紧闭他的眼睛仰望着土地上的苍穹赞！

钱晓强
秀才

Joined: 01 Mar 2013
Posts: 247
Location: 中国陕西铜川
钱晓强Collection

Posted: 2013-03-13 23:20:39 Post subject:

误解或歧义在圣徒那里。 _________________ 钱晓强的脑子http://blog.sina.com.cn/qxq2

山城子
榜眼

Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection

Posted: 2013-03-14 11:09:23 Post subject:

耶酥走过土地的时候是寂寞的他的嘴唇紧闭他的眼睛仰望着土地上的苍穹 _________________ 诗是人生的雅伴儿。

楓人苑
秀才

Joined: 10 Mar 2013
Posts: 197

楓人苑Collection

Posted: 2013-03-14 13:20:32 Post subject:

趁早遠離耶穌，回歸自然、自我。我看到所有的基督徒都在放棄耶穌後才得拯救。 _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

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