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《家门破败》
钱晓强
秀才


Joined: 01 Mar 2013
Posts: 247
Location: 中国陕西铜川
钱晓强Collection
PostPosted: 2013-03-05 19:40:04    Post subject: 《家门破败》 Reply with quote

《家门破败》

我的童年一定还在那里
站着
那个年代还在用高音喇叭
喊人

记得社教运动
到各家吃饭
翻阅家谱的黑暗
我大爷曾在十里铺
给军阀某某某当过
马弁

年久失修
来路已不很清
来自临安或者
江苏徐州
祖地已不重要
钱王的第三十六代
世孙,多是女人

我们这一支香火
不能为继
砸锅卖铁
也炼不出大跃进的
钢铁

2007.10.2

附:钱氏排辈诗:
圣神功德厚 光盛武陵春 敕券传家宝 文章贯日清
诗书忠孝远 兰桂冕旒尊 温良恭俭让 奕叶立尼门
王侯从古有 英烈至今新 物华天象应 人杰地灵生
蛟腾连风起 电紫与霞横 海阔波涛大 枝繁根底深
仰视星斗近 俯视泰嵩平 皇图期巩固 终始袭骈臻
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2013-03-05 22:51:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

散文化倾向明显,靠断句解决不了语言的诗性。——问好!个见。
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钱晓强
秀才


Joined: 01 Mar 2013
Posts: 247
Location: 中国陕西铜川
钱晓强Collection
PostPosted: 2013-03-09 02:31:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

往逝求实,岁月存真。感谢评论!
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2013-03-09 02:35:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

我们这一支香火
不能为继
砸锅卖铁
也炼不出大跃进的
钢铁

很生动
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鸟歌
童生


Joined: 09 Mar 2013
Posts: 24
Location: 美国
鸟歌Collection
PostPosted: 2013-03-10 05:49:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗歌的语言,是一种个性化的语言,很欣赏你的这种表达方式。

“年久失修
来路已不很清
来自临安或者
江苏徐州
祖地已不重要
钱王的第三十六代
世孙,多是女人”

“多是女人”一语道出“家门破败”的关键。。
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