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行香子--咏雪临屏和白云老师飞雪:
笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2012-02-26 04:36:54    Post subject: 行香子--咏雪临屏和白云老师飞雪: Reply with quote

行香子--咏雪临屏和白云老师飞雪:

文/笑聊

啸耳寒风,醉眼迷蒙。看羽花、潇洒苍穹。姿颜婀娜,飘逸情浓。恰满天白、漫天舞、韵天童。
吟诗唱和,赋曲随同。正梅艳、怒放新容。绒花相伴,香郁缠从。但眼中映、心里想、梦求逢。
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2012-02-26 13:37:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

妙曼潇洒
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白云闲人
探花


Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection
PostPosted: 2012-02-26 15:19:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

謝謝笑聊唱和!
笑聊,和你切磋一下:如果下阕的结句,采取相同字排句,那么,詞态更精彩。

白云老师说的不错,改成:但眼前映、花前想、梦前逢。

不知可否?还望斧正。
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2012-02-26 19:29:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
妙曼潇洒



谢谢白水赏评鼓励!问好!
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