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隱讀禪亭
博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2010-11-08 21:40:48    Post subject: 隱讀禪亭 Reply with quote

隱讀禪亭



 葉

 綣

雁旅句如絕
吟空
我獨袖裡揮染

蒼茫城市
棋盤車馬凌亂
放眼
唯瀝青未改

驅車回長街
入境後
雨夜有樹詠嘆
無影零亂
 
轉角處
月歷七日

(2010年11月7日星期日)
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(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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shaine
童生


Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Posts: 40
Location: 中国广东省
shaineCollection
PostPosted: 2010-11-08 23:08:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

这一首退步了啊.
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……不,我说的是记忆,记忆一点都不可靠。
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博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
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PostPosted: 2010-11-09 06:44:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

哈,就朝著退一步來寫。
沒啥味道,是吧?

星期日(也是月曆上的轉角)自印度餐廳出來後所吟。
這禪亭即是這城市的天空。

你的詩有特色,不妨多發表點。
_________________
(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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shaine
童生


Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Posts: 40
Location: 中国广东省
shaineCollection
PostPosted: 2010-11-10 18:16:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

主要是觉得这一首感情不够浓烈,诗意不够浓烈.不如你别的诗作.

我是写得少.因为觉得自己写得不好.不过现在心态摆正了,写就写呗,不需要太在乎自己的水平.
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……不,我说的是记忆,记忆一点都不可靠。
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