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七绝·云台山瀑布

王国栋
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Joined: 09 Jul 2010
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Posted: 2010-09-05 02:54:34 Post subject: 七绝·云台山瀑布

一帘飞瀑挂天边，宛似琴台奏乐篇。几曲绕梁音不断，游人潭下醉倚栏。飞瀑犹如天上来，瑶池薄雾漫山开。云台缈缈青峰远，恰似蓬莱仙女裁。云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。风伴琴声飘入耳，此处风流可渡仙。 _________________ 文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

笑聊
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Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
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Posted: 2010-09-05 03:54:25 Post subject:

一帘飞瀑挂天边，宛似琴台奏乐篇。几曲绕梁音不断，游人潭下醉倚栏。飞瀑犹如天上来，瑶池薄雾漫山开。云台缈缈青峰远，恰似蓬莱仙女裁。读诗犹如观景，引人入胜，美不胜收！欣赏。

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

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Posted: 2010-09-05 05:34:52 Post subject:

诗佳精美。

王国栋
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Joined: 09 Jul 2010
Posts: 295
Location: 陕西西安
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Posted: 2010-09-05 06:47:15 Post subject: 年个

笑聊 wrote:

一帘飞瀑挂天边，宛似琴台奏乐篇。
...

“云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。”后两句弟总写不好，哥才思敏捷，续后两句如何？多谢！
_________________
文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

王国栋
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Joined: 09 Jul 2010
Posts: 295
Location: 陕西西安
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Posted: 2010-09-05 06:49:23 Post subject:

qinghongh wrote:

诗佳精美。

谢谢朋友分享！
_________________
文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

白云闲人
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Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

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Posted: 2010-09-05 07:41:37 Post subject:

曲绕梁音,诗娓若琴! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
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Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
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Posted: 2010-09-05 14:05:12 Post subject:

云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。老弟那地方我没去过，续写未必写得好。我试试，也算练笔吧。瑶池赏景观天下，此处风光渡众仙。天，重，不改。老弟如不满意可删去。

王国栋
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Posted: 2010-09-05 14:23:15 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

曲绕梁音,诗娓若琴!

谢谢朋友点评。
_________________
文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

王国栋
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Joined: 09 Jul 2010
Posts: 295
Location: 陕西西安
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Posted: 2010-09-05 14:45:25 Post subject:

笑聊 wrote:

云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。
...

哥续得好，最后一句尤妙，弟已经复制在主页上。哥，弟抽空为你的作品写一篇评论，或者你告诉弟你最喜欢那一首，弟抽空赏析，给哥的诗歌写一篇评论如何？
_________________
文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-05 17:42:15 Post subject:

王国栋 wrote:

笑聊 wrote:

云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。
...

哥续得好，最后一句尤妙，弟已经复制在主页上。哥，弟抽空为你的作品写一篇评论，或者你告诉弟你最喜欢那一首，弟抽空赏析，给哥的诗歌写一篇评论如何？

续写的后句，要改为：此处风流可渡仙。弟看着办。

好啊，先谢了。写哪一篇，有老弟斟酌着办。

王国栋
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Joined: 09 Jul 2010
Posts: 295
Location: 陕西西安
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Posted: 2010-09-05 17:56:46 Post subject:

笑聊 wrote:

王国栋 wrote:

笑聊 wrote:

云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。
...

续写的后句，要改为：此处风流可渡仙。弟看着办。
...

已经修改，那弟抽空写一篇评论。
_________________
文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

王国栋
秀才

Joined: 09 Jul 2010
Posts: 295
Location: 陕西西安
王国栋Collection

Posted: 2010-09-05 17:57:36 Post subject:

笑聊 wrote:

王国栋 wrote:

笑聊 wrote:

云岳劈开一线天，珠光练影竖群山。
...

续写的后句，要改为：此处风流可渡仙。弟看着办。
...

已经修改，那弟抽空写一篇评论。
_________________
文学是一棵树，我就是树上唱歌的小鸟。

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