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五律-读寒水兄诗有感并和
笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2010-08-01 14:46:27    Post subject: 五律-读寒水兄诗有感并和 Reply with quote
文/笑聊 （新韵）

凡眸处处尘，勤拭觉台灵。
太岳离天远，琴箫少和音。
青山随绿水，仲夏吵蛙声。
频洗惶惶事，悠悠效力心。

寒水兄及诗友们指正。
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2010-08-01 16:48:09    Post subject: Reply with quote
频洗惶惶事，悠悠效力心。——喜欢！


但觉——颔联不工，颈联不严。（班门弄斧了）
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诗是人生的雅伴儿。
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2010-08-01 19:09:50    Post subject: Reply with quote
山城子 wrote:
频洗惶惶事，悠悠效力心。——喜欢！
...


颌联不工尚可恕，颈联不严确应罚。谢谢老师指点。
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影沉寒水
举人


Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Posts: 1145
Location: 中国福建
影沉寒水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-08-02 04:34:36    Post subject: Reply with quote
不是律诗哦
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诗无涯。思在线
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2010-08-02 17:15:09    Post subject: Reply with quote
影沉寒水 wrote:
不是律诗哦


寒水兄请直言哦.
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