老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
 Posted: 2010-05-26 23:34:08 Post subject: 点绛脣•广玉兰 |
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点绛脣•广玉兰
春已凋零，樱梨桃李随春去。独她芳吐，是把春留住。
裁剪冰绡，艳溢香融注。天仙女，散花情趣，更把风流铸。 |
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笑聊
探花
Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection |
| Posted: 2010-05-27 04:00:44 Post subject: |
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问老山兄好！
好词！比拟得体，一气呵成。
老山兄，“是把春留住。”句号不如用问号。个见望不怪。 |
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白云闲人
探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
| Posted: 2010-05-27 06:49:48 Post subject: |
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更把风流铸. 欣賞!
_________________
诗中岁月,
笛里关山. |
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冰清
同进士出身
Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921
冰清Collection |
| Posted: 2010-05-27 07:13:45 Post subject: |
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老山兄好词：
色、香、意态俱全；
卓尔不群，却有一种内在美。 |
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老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
| Posted: 2010-05-29 23:06:33 Post subject: |
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| 问好笑聊、白云闲人、冰清，谢谢你们的点评，笑聊 "句号不如用问号"的意见甚好。 |
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黄洋界
探花
Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection |
| Posted: 2010-05-30 01:12:48 Post subject: |
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欣赏老山兄好词.问好!
"是把春留住?"句中的"是"字可否换"或"字,请酌定.
_________________
++++++++++++++
喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰 |
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老山
秀才
Joined: 05 May 2007
Posts: 319
老山Collection |
| Posted: 2010-05-30 02:09:16 Post subject: |
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| 问好黄洋界，谢谢你的赏读。“是”字换“或”字，可能是考虑“是”太肯定。有道理。因为春毕竟是留不住的。笑聊也提出“句号不如用问号”可能也是这个意意思。据此，把“是”改为“似”。改后为：“似把春留住”。谢谢你和笑聊的指点！ |
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