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怨回纥-田园情结

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-20 06:02:07 Post subject: 怨回纥-田园情结

怨回纥-田园情结临屏和白云兄：文/笑聊（别体，新韵）平生最喜习蔬农，田园自给也光荣。信手随情挑韭菜，依心顺便唱乡风。小曲悠悠远，中餐过后赋诗恭。改为：[color=red]平常岁月也从容。[/color]

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-05-20 08:16:55 Post subject:

挑韭菜、唱乡风,一派悠然自得之田园风情! 笑聊,請教:结句在赋诗后採用"恭"字,含何意? _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-20 17:30:22 Post subject:

[quote="白云闲人"]挑韭菜、唱乡风,一派悠然自得之田园风情! ...[/quote] 回白云兄:“恭”在此处作虚心学习、认真专研讲。

昕阳一片
秀才

Joined: 27 Mar 2010
Posts: 190

昕阳一片Collection

Posted: 2010-05-20 19:57:06 Post subject:

如此当然悠闲。欣赏。问好！

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-20 22:28:14 Post subject:

谢谢昕阳兄！问好！

qinghongh
榜眼

Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2010-05-21 05:29:01 Post subject:

诗中桃花源。

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-05-21 06:58:20 Post subject:

謝笑聊解释! 笑聊,我感觉"恭"字在这里使用与整首詞意不融合,给人一种迁就押韵之牵强感,供参攷! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-21 14:44:17 Post subject:

白云兄所言不虚，容斟酌。

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-23 02:52:06 Post subject:

怨回纥-田园情结临屏和白云兄：文/笑聊（别体，新韵）平生最喜习蔬农，田园自给感光荣。信手随情挑韭菜，依心顺意唱乡风。小曲悠悠远，平常岁月也从容。白云兄，结句改为：平常岁月也从容。兄看好吗？顺便改为顺意.

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-05-23 08:02:18 Post subject:

笑聊,修飾得好,诗意一气贯通,画龙点睛:"写意、從容"! 笑聊,我认为将"顺便"变为"顺意"更好,既与依心連通,又与隨情呼应! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-23 17:50:14 Post subject:

[quote="白云闲人"]笑聊,修飾得好,诗意一气贯通,画龙点睛:"写意、從容"! ...[/quote] 说的不错,顺便不如顺意.依兄言:改"顺意".

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-05-24 08:16:13 Post subject:

笑聊,诗逾改逾精.所以讲:只要功夫深,铁杖磨成针! 虽然这是业余的消遣,但也应层楼更上! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2010-05-24 14:13:15 Post subject:

笑聊 wrote:

怨回纥-田园情结临屏和白云兄：
文/笑聊（别体，新韵）

平生最喜习蔬农，
田园自给也光荣。
信手随情挑韭菜，
依心顺便唱乡风。
小曲悠悠远，
中餐过后赋诗恭。改：平常岁月也从容。

喜欢这顺心随意、情趣盎然。

笑卿，为保诗意一以贯之，“中餐过后赋诗恭”改“恭”为“灵”，何如？（诗灵，即诗魂，诗人的精神） Laughing

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-05-24 16:53:23 Post subject:

谢谢冰清老师指正、雅评！

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