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八声甘州——步柳三变韵
渔樵耕读
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Joined: 12 Mar 2007
Posts: 116
Location: 中国湖南长沙
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PostPosted: 2007-03-13 08:46:05    Post subject: 八声甘州——步柳三变韵 Reply with quote

八声甘州——步柳三变韵


正潇湘十里西风烈,洒落芙蓉秋。

碧荷残柳色,百树凋零,月正中秋。

恰是团圆时节,折桂满怀愁。


一身无去所,客寓孤舟。

佳节渐逼人近,思绪乱如麻,夙夜怀忧。

谁晓明年事,赏月几人留。

莫又是凄然独度,更无人、解语一回眸。

这时光,怎不叫人,泪眼双流。

20060928


 拂柳三变原词 

对潇潇暮雨洒江天,一番洗清秋。

渐霜风凄紧,关河冷落,残照当楼。

是处红衰翠减,苒苒物华休。

惟有长江水,无语东流。

不忍登高临远,望故乡渺邈,归思难收。

叹年来踪迹,何事苦俺留?

想佳人妆楼顒望,误几回、天际识归舟。

争知我,倚阑干处,正恁凝愁。
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暗香如沁
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Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-18 19:57:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

两个“秋”的韵脚可再斟酌。再者在句子的上下阕排列上还可以再看看。
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