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枫
又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-18 18:52:44    Post subject: 枫 Reply with quote
枫

【再改】
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
几抹粗旷令山醉，泼撒飘逸俏天涯。


【一改】
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
飘落暂不与竹伴，漫裹冰雪孕新芽。


【初稿】
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
苍山收取风光后，枝干裹雪芽又发。
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白云闲人
探花


Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-18 19:31:00    Post subject: Reply with quote
"总将霜色翻做霞",妙句!
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诗中岁月,
笛里关山.
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勿妄言
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Joined: 17 Apr 2007
Posts: 236
Location: 四川 德阳
勿妄言Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-18 20:00:40    Post subject: Reply with quote
久未写了，涂鸦几字，与方天和一片。

枫

安敛丛山掩青华，静聆暮鼓赏云霞；
霜寒初起繁华尽，方看风流染壁崖。
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一只秋天里的风铃，尽情的感受风的吹拂。摇曳中，让风有了色彩，有了声音，更有了自己的形象；
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黄洋界
探花


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-18 20:08:19    Post subject: Reply with quote
与白云兄同感,写枫者众,如此佳妙句少.
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喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰
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又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-19 22:28:18    Post subject: Reply with quote
白云闲人 wrote:
"总将霜色翻做霞",妙句!


谢谢白云老师鼓励!
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又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-19 22:29:34    Post subject: Reply with quote
勿妄言 wrote:
久未写了，涂鸦几字，与方天和一片。
...


谢谢赐作，比我的好！
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又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-19 22:31:00    Post subject: Reply with quote
黄洋界 wrote:
与白云兄同感,写枫者众,如此佳妙句少.


再谢黄师勉！也需再改动：

一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
飘落暂不与竹伴，漫裹冰雪孕新芽。
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米运刚
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Joined: 19 Mar 2009
Posts: 918
Location: 四川省德阳市
米运刚Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-20 07:18:32    Post subject: Reply with quote
“飘落暂不与竹伴，漫裹冰雪孕新芽。”改得妙，欣赏！
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-20 11:10:00    Post subject: Reply with quote
前半好，後半未能更進一層。
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I labour by singing light
我的blog
我的專欄
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宁家珍
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Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 470
Location: 中国黄山
宁家珍Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-21 04:39:49    Post subject: To 又一方天 Reply with quote
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
飘落暂不与竹伴，漫裹冰雪孕新芽。

欣赏妙绝。问候文友。
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宁家珍
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Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 470
Location: 中国黄山
宁家珍Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-21 04:44:07    Post subject: To 勿妄言 Reply with quote
枫

安敛丛山掩青华，静聆暮鼓赏云霞；
霜寒初起繁华尽，方看风流染壁崖。

欣赏和诗。问候文友。
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又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-27 01:21:19    Post subject: Reply with quote
宁家珍 wrote:
枫
...


谢谢家珍！
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又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-27 01:23:38    Post subject: Reply with quote
戴玨 wrote:
前半好，後半未能更進一層。


试着改了几次。仍觉不甚满意：

一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
几抹粗旷令山醉，泼撒飘逸俏天涯。
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qinghongh
榜眼


Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection
PostPosted: 2009-11-27 07:07:31    Post subject: Reply with quote
好诗反复推敲修改，精益求精，十分难得，值得学习。
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冰清
同进士出身


Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection
PostPosted: 2009-11-28 15:16:25    Post subject: Reply with quote
又一方天 wrote:
枫

【再改】
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
几抹粗旷令山醉，泼撒飘逸俏天涯。

【一改】
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
飘落暂不与竹伴，漫裹冰雪孕新芽。

【初稿】
一树青葱不著花，总将霜色翻做霞。
苍山收取风光后，枝干裹雪芽又发。


越改越妙。
“粗旷”“几抹”，传神、豪放!
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又一方天
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Joined: 16 Nov 2006
Posts: 385

又一方天Collection
PostPosted: 2009-12-18 00:17:58    Post subject: Reply with quote
冰清 wrote:

越改越妙。
...


谢谢冰清老师赏读
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