戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
戴玨Collection |
 Posted: 2009-05-25 03:45:45 Post subject: 十四行：塞車 |
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車窗外的其他車輛猶如波浪
般爭先恐後，在摩天樓群的峭谷間
起伏。於繁華中等待，舔食金錢
充飢，物欲終令我營養不良。
荒野的天空上偶有鷂隼的蹤影，
一路上，蘆草、野草莓、藍莓的色彩
誘人，但我直覺這樣一個所在
定充滿了泥沼，最好謹慎徐行。
窗外雨潺潺，一雙沉醉的手輕撫
我的臂膀，軟語和燭光陪我度過
平凡的夜晚。暖意正滋補靈魂。
喇叭聲把我從疲倦中驚醒，此處
是海底隧道口，我將要遠赴疑惑
的另一端，且把落寞與惆悵收存。
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遛达的七七
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Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 329
遛达的七七Collection |
| Posted: 2009-05-25 13:50:26 Post subject: |
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七七最最情迷十四行！
只是为了压上十四行的韵，不惜把“猶如波浪般爭先恐後”断成“猶如波浪
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...般爭先恐後
诶——，真是考验七七的肺活量啊，嘎嘎~ |
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湮雨朦朦
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Joined: 18 May 2009
Posts: 213
Location: 江西省南昌市
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| Posted: 2009-05-25 14:30:42 Post subject: |
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 荒野的天空上偶有鷂隼的蹤影，
一路上，蘆草、野草莓、藍莓的色彩 |
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
戴玨Collection |
| Posted: 2009-05-26 03:34:28 Post subject: |
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| 七小姐 wrote: |
...
只是为了压上十四行的韵，不惜把“猶如波浪般爭先恐後”断成“猶如波浪
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...般爭先恐後
诶——，真是考验七七的肺活量啊，嘎嘎~ |
這樣做當然不只是為了押韻，讓人透不過氣來便是目的之一。
要改得順暢點又有何難？
車窗外的其他車輛猶如波浪，
爭先恐後，在摩天樓群的峭谷間
。。。
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遛达的七七
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Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 329
遛达的七七Collection |
| Posted: 2009-05-26 08:36:15 Post subject: |
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诗歌的透不过气来，跟其它透不过气来，是有区别的。
诗歌的透不过气来应该有气韵在里面。
嘈嘈切切手忙脚乱的就留给口语诗人吧，十四行多少还是矜持点儿才够范儿。
一家之言，得罪！ 鞠躬，跑啦，哈 |
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上城
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Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection |
| Posted: 2009-05-26 08:38:33 Post subject: |
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於繁華中等待，舔食金錢,___
这一句太平淡，过于直陋。突然出现“金钱”一词，也不自然
且把落寞與惆悵收存，——
还是平淡。如费下心把“落寞與惆悵”五个字替换掉，找个好的意象感觉将非常好
此诗因这两句而败。浅读
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
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| Posted: 2009-05-28 01:20:13 Post subject: |
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| 七小姐 wrote: |
诗歌的透不过气来，跟其它透不过气来，是有区别的。
诗歌的透不过气来应该有气韵在里面。
嘈嘈切切手忙脚乱的就留给口语诗人吧，十四行多少还是矜持点儿才够范儿。
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如果以傳統的漢語十四行為標准，是可以這樣說，不過中國現代詩并非我寫現代詩的主要參照系。七七可以留意一下，我的韻式也是很少人用的（雖然馮至曾經用過）。當然我并非刻意追求某種形式，而是內容需要，我覺得音韻上給人點支離破碎、壓抑的感覺會有助於此詩的表達。
說到考驗肺活量，七七可以試下讀一讀這首只說了一句話的十四行：
She is as in a field a silken tent
At midday when the sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And its supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To every thing on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightlest bondage made aware.
by Robert Frost
或讀一下這首不怎麽矜持的十四行：
THE Cambridge ladies who live in furnished souls
are unbeautiful and have comfortable minds
(also, with the church's protestant blessings
daughters,unscented shapeless spirited)
they believe in Christ and Longfellow, both dead,
are invariably interested in so many things--
at the present writing one still finds
delighted fingers knitting for the is it Poles?
perhaps. While permanent faces coyly bandy
scandal of Mrs. N and Professor D
.... the Cambridge ladies do not care, above
Cambridge if sometimes in its box of
sky lavender and cornerless, the
moon rattles like a fragment of angry candy
by e.e. cummings
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
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| Posted: 2009-05-28 01:31:40 Post subject: |
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| 上城 wrote: |
於繁華中等待，舔食金錢,___
这一句太平淡，过于直陋。突然出现“金钱”一词，也不自然
且把落寞與惆悵收存，——
还是平淡。如费下心把“落寞與惆悵”五个字替换掉，找个好的意象感觉将非常好
此诗因这两句而败。浅读 |
前面說爭先恐後，不過是名利，金錢是利的一種，所以不算突兀。而且接著有“充飢”一詞也是說此非一般人所說的單純逐利。
整首詩基本上都是形象，就最後兩句用了抽象名詞，一方面是因為結尾處想說的話不容易用意象簡潔地表達，另一方面也是不想把全詩搞成形象的堆砌，說兩句明確點的，整首詩才站得住腳。當然這樣做效果如何，就見仁見智了。 
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杯中冲浪
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
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戴永良
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Joined: 28 Aug 2007
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| Posted: 2009-05-28 14:16:49 Post subject: |
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感觉还是挺不错的。
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上城
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sfiawong
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
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| Posted: 2010-05-13 03:50:16 Post subject: |
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謝sfiawong來讀。
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
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| Posted: 2010-05-13 03:51:17 Post subject: |
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| 上城 wrote: |
| http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=23216&highlight= |
再謝上城的分析！
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