Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
 Posted: 2009-06-24 07:43:18 Post subject: June rain (haiku) |
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June rain
June rain
garden hose rests
by the lawn
June rain
windshield wipers swing
at high speed
June rain
dripping all night
a leaking faucet
June rain
an airplane circles
for landing
June rain
across Mississippi
a rainbow
(wrote 10 in a day, here are 5.)
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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宁家珍
秀才
Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 470
Location: 中国黄山
宁家珍Collection |
| Posted: 2009-06-25 20:37:22 Post subject: Dear Lake |
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Dear Lake :
The poem is so beautiful that I can't leave it . Good day ! |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2009-06-26 17:00:18 Post subject: |
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Some images are arranged by you. I can feel the emotion of yours in the poem.
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2009-06-29 15:35:54 Post subject: |
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Thanks to both of you.
新的尝试。 
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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张南城
秀才
Joined: 02 Aug 2009
Posts: 145
Location: 中国安庆
张南城Collection |
| Posted: 2009-08-07 20:11:30 Post subject: |
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June rain
June rain
garden hose rests
by the lawn
June rain
windshield wipers swing
at high speed
June rain
dripping all night
a leaking faucet
June rain
an airplane circles
for landing
June rain
across Mississippi
a rainbow
六月的雨
六月的雨
让喷灌的软管
在忙碌的草坪中
休息了
休息了
六月的雨
使车窗玻璃刮水器
的背杆
勤奋地
工作着
工作着
六月的雨
像是一个漏水的
龙头
整夜地
嘀哒不停
嘀哒不停
六月的雨
飘洒
恰如飞机
在九天之上
盘旋
为大地
播下滋润
播下滋润
六月的雨
哺育万物
俨然就是
跨越密西西比河
一道绚丽的
雨彩虹
彩虹雨
Dear Lake :
I translated this poem, please correct me. |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2009-08-23 13:36:33 Post subject: |
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译文丰富了原文。 这首以及To B 那首译文一并收藏了。 多谢！
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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张南城
秀才
Joined: 02 Aug 2009
Posts: 145
Location: 中国安庆
张南城Collection |
| Posted: 2009-08-27 04:55:39 Post subject: |
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Lake 你好。我有一个问题请教。
我知道你的这首诗歌是CAIKU，我要是按照CAIKU节奏和字数翻译，觉得很难，后来就翻译成这个样子了。我的问题是：英文的CAIKU 能这么翻译吗？应该如何翻译？谢谢。
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感谢我的太阳每天如约升起…… |
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戴玨
秀才
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
戴玨Collection |
| Posted: 2009-08-27 16:27:36 Post subject: |
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英語漢語特點不同，翻譯時很難做到形式上的完全對等，但翻譯者應儘量求同。比如原詩每節三行，譯詩也應儘量譯成三行。如果每行的音節數無法做到和原詩一樣，也應該體現原詩節奏上的明顯特徵才好，如短長短：
六月雨
花園中的澆水管在草坪
旁邊歇息
六月雨
車窗玻璃刮水杆高速地
揮動
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I labour by singing light
我的blog
我的專欄 |
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张南城
秀才
Joined: 02 Aug 2009
Posts: 145
Location: 中国安庆
张南城Collection |
| Posted: 2009-08-28 03:15:42 Post subject: |
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| 感谢戴珏先生。学习了。今后我会尝试。 |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2009-08-28 05:19:12 Post subject: |
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还是戴珏对翻译有心得。
虽然是徘句，但我没有使用5/7/5,17音的传统形式，而是采用现代徘句的短、长、短句式，尽量将音节控制在12 个以内，多用fregment and phrase. 据说这样的英徘才能更好的体现徘句精神。
但还是有相当多的人将5/7/5作为徘句的标志，或以此形式练习诗歌写作。
上面的译文没有按照徘句的格式翻译，可以说是发挥和再创作，我一样喜欢。
如要译成徘句的样子，可以参照汉语诗的五言、七言句式，也可考虑戴玨的短、长、短的建议。
或者不拘一格，一句完成也要得。
欢迎交流！
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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张南城
秀才
Joined: 02 Aug 2009
Posts: 145
Location: 中国安庆
张南城Collection |
| Posted: 2009-08-30 04:11:21 Post subject: |
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| 感谢LAKE赐教。看来还真得有点complex呢。我会更多地去了解和学习。“可以参照汉语诗的五言、七言句式”这个给我很大的启发。 |
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