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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

人当爱自己，像松鼠

lingquan.yang
童生

Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Posts: 70
Location: 中国云南
lingquan.yangCollection

Posted: 2009-03-29 23:23:24 Post subject: 人当爱自己，像松鼠

人当爱自己，像松鼠在高高的绿枝阴里梳洗让太阳给自己生命的光焰镀金我们却难以抵御，像柔荑因为吮吸了太多母乳禁不住要肥硕的蛊语把原本更能歌唱的枝干弯曲错失开花的绚丽在卑屈的弧度里低语万物何等丰丽我等何等卑屈 _________________ 走在历险的途中

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2009-04-05 12:23:31 Post subject:

万物何等丰丽我等何等卑屈结得极帅，前面较弱。更看不出跟松鼠何干。建议基于这两句重建。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

lingquan.yang
童生

Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Posts: 70
Location: 中国云南
lingquan.yangCollection

Posted: 2009-04-05 17:24:17 Post subject:

nobody wrote:

万物何等丰丽
...

当时基于许多娇弱的东西的不自爱及想到骄阳之于娇弱，又想到别的这世道人心，就复杂的整出来，应该重构，谢谢你的指点！问好！
_________________
走在历险的途中

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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