Maple Review :: View topic - 而他们的手醒着

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

而他们的手醒着

缪立士
童生

Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 39

缪立士Collection

Posted: 2009-03-11 22:26:32 Post subject: 而他们的手醒着

夜睡了。窗玻璃上的两三颗寒星睡了。姑娘和小伙也睡了。而他们的手醒着，在彼此的身上来回摸索。夜睡了。松树枝上的一钩残月睡了。姑娘和小伙也睡了。而他们的手醒着，在阴冷的墓穴紧紧相拥。

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2009-03-12 14:22:16 Post subject:

意境很美，语言稍逊。在彼此的身上来回摸索。 -----这些可以不要或改换方式。紧紧搂抱。-----紧紧相拥。个人见解，仅供参考。尊重原作！ _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

缪立士
童生

Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 39

缪立士Collection

Posted: 2009-03-13 23:39:00 Post subject:

谢谢指点

安红红
同进士出身

Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

安红红Collection

Posted: 2009-03-14 01:21:32 Post subject:

很不错的诗歌～短刀诗～语言尽量凝练～～多写～问好～ _________________ 如果不开始，会失去过程。 QQ：3972083 微信：qisebaihuayuan

俞伟远
秀才

Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Posts: 282

俞伟远Collection

Posted: 2009-03-14 14:34:27 Post subject:

学习.问好 _________________ 俞伟远：１９６７生，１９８７大学毕业、工作。19９０年后几乎与诗绝缘，2006年春重拾笔，感悟生活，凝望心灵，自得其乐。http://blog.sina.com.cn/txyuweiyuan

缪立士
童生

Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 39

缪立士Collection

Posted: 2009-03-15 00:25:25 Post subject:

安红红 wrote:

很不错的诗歌～短刀诗～语言尽量凝练～～

多写～问好～

谢谢指点

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2009-03-15 00:30:30 Post subject:

欢迎新朋友，这首诗层次感很强。 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

缪立士
童生

Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 39

缪立士Collection

Posted: 2009-03-16 23:05:14 Post subject:

问好杯中冲浪

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2009-03-16 23:22:46 Post subject:

问好！画面感很强！ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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