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路途
骨笛
秀才


Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-25 03:55:19    Post subject: 路途 Reply with quote



多年前就知道
海里有船,船上人多
远行的,回家的
私奔的,占卜的
其中一半真实,另一半
是老庄幻化的蝴蝶

我买了一张船票
一支接一支抽烟

我要不要
上船


路途

家园就在眼前
冷在路途的人
聚结冰霜
也有些湿漉漉的感觉
那是城市,迸出的一两句哲理

许多人捧着花朵从眼前走过
我想,他们与一位叫雷锋的英雄
是战友

我站起身来,竖着耳朵
饥荒的牙齿,好冷

只好挤在一起
在冬天的深处,暖和


岁月

变长了的路
同河流一道走去
并且在歌声中舞蹈
在歌声中脱落羽毛

无声的时候
我坐在叶子中间
向天空伸出手臂
牙齿洁白,熠熠生辉

就在身形之外
一个精致而织的蓝子
总被平凡的阳光灸烤
自投落网的鱼
不知要到哪里去躲避

沿着河道
一些忽明忽暗的情缘
摇摇欲坠
更多的黑色爬上瞳仁
审视自己,颧骨上的红颜
节节剥离

然而歌声未歇
我坐在无数声音的边缘
习惯拥挤,数
歌声里夹带的几分慰藉
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我把天空装在我家里,鸟儿天空中飞来飞去
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-25 08:39:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=20676

不错的几首. 欣赏.
看你是个直率人,提个小建议

只好挤在一起
在冬天的深处,暖和

"暖和" 去掉似无妨.敛字,且拓宽诗歌留白空间.仅为探讨, 不妥见谅. Embarassed
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-25 14:07:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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骨笛
秀才


Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-27 02:00:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=20676
...

谢谢白水的点拨。只想着抱团取暖了,经你一说,去掉“暖和”留白是大多了。再谢。
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-27 17:04:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗歌语言和感悟都不错~欣赏!
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-27 17:21:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

好有质感 啊。喜欢!!!
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走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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骨笛
秀才


Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-01 22:30:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢少君,明月,海军的阅读。
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