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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌 Post new topic   Reply to topic
棋(外一首)
彤欣
童生


Joined: 09 Feb 2009
Posts: 32

彤欣Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-19 18:34:19    Post subject: 棋(外一首) Reply with quote


文/彤欣
楚河
只是一扇门
汉界
不会永远的分隔

过关斩将
血流为河
“一山不容二虎”
成了定局

世界很小
没有硝烟的时候
一切和谐

霜花
文/彤欣
对于自己的名字
你常常汗颜

浓郁的香味
与你无缘
艳丽的服饰
不对你青睐
蝴蝶从不和你共舞
蜜蜂忽略吻你的脸

你只是定定地
接受风刮雪打
默默守护
孤寂的容颜

你不会想到
屋内的少女
感激你
送给她
一冬的美丽
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-19 19:10:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

你不会想到
屋内的少女
感激你
送给她
一冬的美丽
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吟啸徐行
举人


Joined: 03 May 2008
Posts: 1336
Location: 中国安徽
吟啸徐行Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-19 20:34:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

望着你渐渐消逝的身影
正在吟唱:
冬天去了,春天还会远吗?

这三句不要,是不是更妙?
_________________
彰显自我爱好,弘扬民族文化,追求诗意生活.
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彤欣
童生


Joined: 09 Feb 2009
Posts: 32

彤欣Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-19 21:21:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
你不会想到
屋内的少女
感激你
送给她
一冬的美丽


谢谢版主,问好!
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彤欣
童生


Joined: 09 Feb 2009
Posts: 32

彤欣Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-19 21:22:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

吟啸徐行 wrote:
望着你渐渐消逝的身影
...

谢谢楼上!多提意见!
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-21 22:09:38    Post subject: Reply with quote

喜欢后一个。

屋内的少女
感激你
送给她
一冬的美丽

欣赏。如果是我,到此就结束了。个见偏颇,供参考。
_________________
靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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安红红
同进士出身


Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

安红红Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-21 22:44:57    Post subject: 同意这个看法,最后三句可以不要的.诗不要收的紧~ Reply with quote

韩少君 wrote:
喜欢后一个。
...
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彤欣
童生


Joined: 09 Feb 2009
Posts: 32

彤欣Collection
PostPosted: 2009-02-22 16:38:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢楼上两位!吟啸徐行也是这样建议的。谢谢,接受!问好大家,多提意见!
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