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走进新年 请老师指点
xm
童生


Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 5

xmCollection
PostPosted: 2009-01-25 21:06:31    Post subject: 走进新年 请老师指点 Reply with quote

走进新年

拂去
岁月的
尘埃
捉一把
清风洗面
把身心
沐浴洗鲜

跨进
全新的一年
把新年
放入心里
把心音
谱成
希望的
音符
如珍珠般
串成
美丽的诗行

将 人生
翻开
新的
诗篇
……
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2009-01-25 21:16:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

很流畅

但缺乏些新意
每一首诗歌,需要一两处出彩的地方,或者说是诗歌的眼睛吧,才能亮起来
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为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!
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xm
童生


Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 5

xmCollection
PostPosted: 2009-01-25 21:30:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢老师指点!老师过年好!
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