Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2007-08-27 13:43:49 发表主题: Haiku (61-70) |
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61
children play nearby
a snake slithers out of bush
I hold my breath
62
dis, dat, de other
that’s getting too technical
let’s play tic- tac-toe
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are
But create ourselves
66
Sentences shattered
like the bridge collapsed in MN
shivering in shock
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek
68
scattered reflections
even though recollected
hard to smooth the scar
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy
70
Around the corner
a branch of cherry blossoms
heralds a new spring
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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hepingdao
Site Admin
注册时间: 2006-05-25
帖子: 8106
hepingdao北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-27 15:47:31 发表主题: |
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simplicity is a form of beauty
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为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫! |
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kokho
进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-28 11:16:05 发表主题: |
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63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ]
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow]
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-28 19:29:30 发表主题: |
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| hepingdao 写到: |
| simplicity is a form of beauty |
Thanks for stopping by and dropping the minimal words.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-28 19:45:32 发表主题: |
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| kokho 写到: |
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］ |
Both will do, though with a different state of mind, I think.
| kokho 写到: |
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］ |
When I wrote this, I thought about Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud". Thus, a golden sea of daffodils.
Yours, again will also work, but a little bit different picture.
| kokho 写到: |
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ] |
This one really makes me think hard. A lot of times, we do compromise, don't we?
| kokho 写到: |
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good |
Used "Red Dust" on purpose. 
| kokho 写到: |
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow] |
[is his trembling brow] 
Thanks for your time and detailed comments.
Any suggestions as how to improve?
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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kokho
进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-28 22:37:46 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
| kokho 写到: |
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］ |
< a turmoiling mind > 5-7-5 {you need the surprise  }
Both will do, though with a different state of mind, I think.
| kokho 写到: |
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］ |
When I wrote this, I thought about Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud". Thus, a golden sea of daffodils.
Yours, again will also work, but a little bit different picture.
< you always need the surprise and insight on the last line ! >
| kokho 写到: |
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ] |
This one really makes me think hard. A lot of times, we do compromise, don't we?
< It is all about the thought process which the haiku invokes.. >
| kokho 写到: |
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good |
Used "Red Dust" on purpose.
| kokho 写到: |
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow] |
[is his trembling brow]
< 1 - state of his mind ; 2 - the brow is the white fox !!! >
Thanks for your time and detailed comments.
Any suggestions as how to improve? |
Knock your head ! ... and then say "bang" ;0
One does not write Haiku to depict... in contra haiku is to shock !!
.
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-29 15:50:33 发表主题: |
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I am so interested in your discussions,thank you!
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-29 18:01:00 发表主题: |
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| William Zhou周道模 写到: |
| I am so interested in your discussions,thank you! |
Please join in!
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-29 18:34:17 发表主题: |
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跟着偷懒，涂红了。
| kokho 写到: |
| Lake 写到: |
| kokho 写到: |
63
stop, turn and listen—
the sound of stillness
a tranquil mind ［a turmoil mind? ］ |
< a turmoiling mind > 5-7-5 {you need the surprise }
Both will do, though with a different state of mind, I think.
' a tranquil mind' is focused on 'tranquility', so even in silence a person with such mind can hear the sound. 'a turmoil mind' is a sharp contrast of calmness, disturbing, the activity of the mind is like the undercurrent under the calm water..
| kokho 写到: |
64
Daffodils dancing -
Wordsworth wandering lonely
in the golden sea ［through buzzing insects? ］ |
When I wrote this, I thought about Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud". Thus, a golden sea of daffodils.
Yours, again will also work, but a little bit different picture.
[color=green]< you always need the surprise and insight on the last line ! >
'a golden sea' is pretty predictable - a field of daffodils.
"through buzzing insects" IS a surprising line where one can also feel the action - the bees, butterflies ...are stirred and take off.
| kokho 写到: |
65
Look in vain in mirror
Life’s not to find who we are [ you see but a compromise ]
But create ourselves [ lineage versus want ] |
This one really makes me think hard. A lot of times, we do compromise, don't we?
< It is all about the thought process which the haiku invokes.. >
Different people see different things looking into the mirror...
| kokho 写到: |
67
Avoiding red dust
He hides in the deep mountains
Reading by a creek !!!!! good |
Used "Red Dust" on purpose.
| kokho 写到: |
69
Read by a candle
he fell asleep—a snow fox
in his fantasy [is his trembling brow] |
[is his trembling brow]
< 1 - state of his mind ; 2 - the brow is the white fox !!! >
Multi meanings - yeah, the state of the mind, the brow (a kind of scary lol)
Thanks for your time and detailed comments.
Any suggestions as how to improve? |
Knock your head ! ... and then say "bang" ;0
Don't knock too hard, that's going to make one dizzy .
One does not write Haiku to depict... in contra haiku is to shock !![/color]
. |
Thanks for the frequent reminder.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-09-17 02:06:00 发表主题: |
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回 Lake:
我 8 月 30 日去了新疆，现在才回来，所以未能加入讨论，遗憾！
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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