Lake 举人

Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
Posted: 2010-04-04 07:29:35 Post subject: Sparrows |
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Sparrow
Walking through dusk,
I spotted a brown bird,
alone
on the grass, chirping coarsely,
limping when it saw me
approaching. I cupped
it in my hands, took it home,
tended it with a few seeds, some water
and comforted it in a cage
by the window.
Morning was awakened
by a swarm of sparrows swooping
around the house, bumping against
the glass pane, calling, shrieking
as if to break into the jail
to rescue the prisoner.
With a bang, a small body,
from the collision with the window,
dropped,
and then, another,
another
...
(Removed the last two lines:
That astounded me most of all.
I opened the door.) _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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nightingale2 童生

Joined: 22 Oct 2009 Posts: 59
nightingale2Collection |
Posted: 2010-04-11 03:31:24 Post subject: |
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O,HAPPENED IN MY GARDEN AS WELL, ONLY 2 OUT OF 7 SERVIVED SUCH CRUTY BY NATURE. SAD. |
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Lake 举人

Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
Posted: 2010-04-12 12:35:21 Post subject: |
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Thank you for reading, nightingale.
"Cruty", (you mean "cruelty"?) is not the main theme this poem tried to convey. But you got the sad part.
Thanks.
Lake _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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SLIU 秀才
Joined: 01 Jan 2010 Posts: 384
SLIUCollection |
Posted: 2010-04-21 03:18:58 Post subject: |
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Vivid description especially of the rescuers |
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非马 秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006 Posts: 907 Location: 芝加哥 非马Collection |
Posted: 2010-04-25 11:23:31 Post subject: |
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Lake 好!结尾似乎弱了点。最后两行改成“until I opened the door (of the cage?)" 会不会更好些? _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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Lake 举人

Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
Posted: 2010-04-26 07:40:12 Post subject: |
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Thanks Mr. Feima. Someone else mentioned the ending, too, and suggested cutting the last two lines and ending on "another". So the present ending must be weak.
Thanks for letting me know.
Best,
Lake _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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非马 秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006 Posts: 907 Location: 芝加哥 非马Collection |
Posted: 2010-04-26 08:09:54 Post subject: |
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Lake wrote: |
Thanks Mr. Feima. Someone else mentioned the ending, too, and suggested cutting the last two lines and ending on "another". So the present ending must be weak.
... |
I also was thinking of the same thing. Ending the poem with "another" can leave more room for imagination. _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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