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Sparrows
Lake
举人


注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-04 07:29:35    发表主题: Sparrows 引用并回复


Sparrow


Walking through dusk,
I spotted a brown bird,
alone
on the grass, chirping coarsely,
limping when it saw me
approaching. I cupped
it in my hands, took it home,
tended it with a few seeds, some water
and comforted it in a cage
by the window.

Morning was awakened
by a swarm of sparrows swooping
around the house, bumping against
the glass pane, calling, shrieking
as if to break into the jail
to rescue the prisoner.
With a bang, a small body,
from the collision with the window,
dropped,
and then, another,
another
...



(Removed the last two lines:
That astounded me most of all.
I opened the door.)

_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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nightingale2
童生


注册时间: 2009-10-22
帖子: 59

nightingale2北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-11 03:31:24    发表主题: 引用并回复

O,HAPPENED IN MY GARDEN AS WELL, ONLY 2 OUT OF 7 SERVIVED SUCH CRUTY BY NATURE. SAD.
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Lake
举人


注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-12 12:35:21    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thank you for reading, nightingale.

"Cruty", (you mean "cruelty"?) is not the main theme this poem tried to convey. But you got the sad part.

Thanks.

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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SLIU
秀才


注册时间: 2010-01-01
帖子: 384

SLIU北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-21 03:18:58    发表主题: 引用并回复

Vivid description especially of the rescuers
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非马
秀才


注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-25 11:23:31    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 好!结尾似乎弱了点。最后两行改成“until I opened the door (of the cage?)" 会不会更好些?
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Lake
举人


注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-26 07:40:12    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thanks Mr. Feima. Someone else mentioned the ending, too, and suggested cutting the last two lines and ending on "another". So the present ending must be weak.

Thanks for letting me know.

Best,

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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非马
秀才


注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2010-04-26 08:09:54    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:
Thanks Mr. Feima. Someone else mentioned the ending, too, and suggested cutting the last two lines and ending on "another". So the present ending must be weak.
...

I also was thinking of the same thing. Ending the poem with "another" can leave more room for imagination.
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