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Sparrows
Lake
举人


Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection
PostPosted: 2010-04-04 07:29:35    Post subject: Sparrows Reply with quote


Sparrow


Walking through dusk,
I spotted a brown bird,
alone
on the grass, chirping coarsely,
limping when it saw me
approaching. I cupped
it in my hands, took it home,
tended it with a few seeds, some water
and comforted it in a cage
by the window.

Morning was awakened
by a swarm of sparrows swooping
around the house, bumping against
the glass pane, calling, shrieking
as if to break into the jail
to rescue the prisoner.
With a bang, a small body,
from the collision with the window,
dropped,
and then, another,
another
...



(Removed the last two lines:
That astounded me most of all.
I opened the door.)

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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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nightingale2
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Joined: 22 Oct 2009
Posts: 59

nightingale2Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-11 03:31:24    Post subject: Reply with quote

O,HAPPENED IN MY GARDEN AS WELL, ONLY 2 OUT OF 7 SERVIVED SUCH CRUTY BY NATURE. SAD.
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection
PostPosted: 2010-04-12 12:35:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for reading, nightingale.

"Cruty", (you mean "cruelty"?) is not the main theme this poem tried to convey. But you got the sad part.

Thanks.

Lake
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SLIU
秀才


Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384

SLIUCollection
PostPosted: 2010-04-21 03:18:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vivid description especially of the rescuers
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非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-25 11:23:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lake 好!结尾似乎弱了点。最后两行改成“until I opened the door (of the cage?)" 会不会更好些?
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection
PostPosted: 2010-04-26 07:40:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Mr. Feima. Someone else mentioned the ending, too, and suggested cutting the last two lines and ending on "another". So the present ending must be weak.

Thanks for letting me know.

Best,

Lake
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非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-26 08:09:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lake wrote:
Thanks Mr. Feima. Someone else mentioned the ending, too, and suggested cutting the last two lines and ending on "another". So the present ending must be weak.
...

I also was thinking of the same thing. Ending the poem with "another" can leave more room for imagination.
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