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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

请将我的生命收回

SLIU
秀才

Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384

SLIUCollection

Posted: 2013-05-02 10:01:17 Post subject: 请将我的生命收回

请将我的生命收回掩埋在深深的泥土里，在震塌的废墟下请将我化为原油，矿石和森林草原如果这样能弥补哪怕只是微不足道的一点点人类所掠夺的你的血液，骨骼和肌肤如果这样能减轻哪怕只是微不足道的一点点你强忍的痛，紧锁的眉和出逃的咳

chenrunmin
进士出身

Joined: 21 Nov 2009
Posts: 2427
Location: nanjing.jiangsu.china.
chenrunminCollection

Posted: 2013-05-02 21:32:00 Post subject:

人类所掠夺的你的血液，骨骼和肌肤如果这样能减轻哪怕只是微不足道的一点点你强忍的痛，紧锁的眉和出逃的咳 _________________ 一个来自南京，普通大众中的人。

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2013-05-02 21:35:51 Post subject:

必须的思考，善良的诗心问好

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2013-05-02 22:01:08 Post subject:

SLIU wrote:

请将我的生命收回
掩埋在深深的泥土里，在震塌的废墟下
请将我化为原油，矿石和森林草原
如果这样能弥补
哪怕只是微不足道的一点点
回馈的血液，骨骼和肌肤
如果这样能减轻
哪怕只是微不足道的一点点
强忍的痛，紧锁的眉和出逃的咳

把两个主语的成分去掉,如何

SLIU
秀才

Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384

SLIUCollection

Posted: 2013-05-03 08:45:04 Post subject:

chenrunmin wrote:

人类所掠夺的你的血液，骨骼和肌肤
...

谢谢，问好周末

SLIU
秀才

Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384

SLIUCollection

Posted: 2013-05-03 08:52:20 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

必须的思考，善良的诗心
问好

问候白水。
个人能做的很有限，如果每个人都去做，这个力量就无限了

SLIU
秀才

Joined: 01 Jan 2010
Posts: 384

SLIUCollection

Posted: 2013-05-03 09:12:59 Post subject:

hepingdao wrote:

SLIU wrote:

把两个主语的成分去掉,如何

谢谢hepingdao建议，多听不同意见利于进步。。
我想想。。。

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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