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當 (好詩一首)

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2011-09-18 10:52:23 Post subject: 當 (好詩一首)

當當月的背後無人當洞穴說愛當流水進入澄明當燭火進入禪坐當季風拂面而逝當悸躍、趕上沉思當列車穿過、山動當血球上下、風箱當螞蟻進行、死亡的分解氏當禿鷹馭駕靈魂翅膀當塵埃引起雪崩當極端對消無蹤當特定趨向平常當感官擴散抽象當文字成了浮水印當輪廓朦朧褪睡而去當陽具成為植物當食指張口失重當現在未來、過去站在線後當起跑槍膛、不再撞響當陽光化身果實當橫空聽見橐籥當蘋果自陰道浮現噹－－雪花停在睫毛 _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

詩盜喜裸評
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Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2011-09-18 11:30:42 Post subject:

标题外，可以把当都拿走。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2011-09-20 07:06:06 Post subject:

改了分行, 加了幾句. '當'是這首詩的重點, 去不得也. '當'是時間的'正在', 情況的正在, 心理狀態的正在; 也是悟的本質. _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2011-09-20 07:32:06 Post subject: 實測之

博弈 wrote:

改了分行, 加了幾句.
...

當

月的背後無人，洞穴說愛

流水進入澄明，燭火進入禪坐

季風拂面而逝，悸躍、趕上沉思

列車穿過、山動，血球上下、風箱

螞蟻進行、死亡的分解氏，禿鷹馭駕靈魂翅膀

塵埃引起雪崩，極端對消無蹤

特定趨向平常，感官擴散抽象

文字成了浮水印，輪廓朦朧褪睡而去

陽具成為植物，食指張口失重

現在未來、過去站在線後，起跑槍膛、不再撞響

陽光化身果實，橫空聽見橐籥

蘋果自陰道浮現－－噹－－雪花停在睫毛
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2011-09-20 07:54:01 Post subject:

詩盜費心了. 這首詩是要朗讀的, 最後的'噹'則是敲出一個小鐘聲. 停頓的時長(分行)這這裡是有需要的, 逗點不具設想中的功能(刻意避了逗號). _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2011-09-20 08:17:39 Post subject: 莫介意，顺手测试一下，阅读的页面包含住标题，[当]都是有效的。若要朗读，因环境不同，当读

博弈 wrote:

诗盗费心了. 这首诗是要朗读的,
...

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2011-09-23 08:48:14 Post subject:

博弈 wrote:

旗琳 wrote:

同樣的，這首詩也「當」了我們
許許多多閱讀發生的時間
與意猜等等「噹」的回音定思。

請問「分解氏」是否筆誤？「式」
或是說「解」是姓氏ㄒㄧㄝˋ的讀音？但這樣又讀不是很通。
所以我個人比較想解讀為：「分解」如「歐陽」、「司馬」的姓氏
而螞蟻就是後裔了！哈哈哈

說實在，我誤讀十分！

問安

"當螞蟻進行、死亡的分解氏"

豈止沒讀錯, 甚合我意(作者跳入了, 見諒).
氏於我, 有人類延續的含意, 屬於時間的, 螞蟻進行, 有行列的意象, 屬於空間的;
把這兩個當起來, '當'是抽象的, 死亡是既抽象且實像的. 死亡因為生而得以延續.

_________________
（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2011-09-23 20:08:24 Post subject:

分列式，大阅兵行进中犹如整齐的蚂蚁雄兵。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2011-09-28 06:54:43 Post subject:

改了標題. 這首是好詩, 應'當'細讀 _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

Lake
举人

Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2011-09-28 16:50:05 Post subject:

看到“當”就想到“典當”。有些 very graphic description. 需再读。 _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2011-09-29 09:22:36 Post subject:

再“当”读过一回。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

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