Form

2009-05-06 15:57:26

Form

In a vast field
that revives the spring weeds
a green grasshopper—
wearing his own suit
to conceal himself

In the stillness

A winding trail
sunlight dim in the woods —
empty park

sudden splash:
a mother duck leads her brood
paddling away

作者	留言
Lake	The first poem's my favourite - there's something about the personification of the grasshopper wearing a suit for concealment, not for show. Although you could argue that it was an occasional suit. I would suggest a change in the first line of V2 in Evening Stroll - Nearby a sudden water splash a mother duck leads her brood swimming away. Sudden splash: a mother duck leads her brood swimming (paddling?) away. good stuff Barrie Sat Oct 20, 2007
Lake	Form: the last line could be made more active: conceals himself. This would also complete the circuit made by the first line (i.e. the "grasshopper" conceals himself "in a vast field". The actions of both object(grasshopper) and observer (poet/reader) are thus diagrammed from outer/larger to inner/singular and back again. DuglasMark Thu May 07, 2009

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Lake

The first poem's my favourite - there's something about the personification of the grasshopper wearing a suit for concealment, not for show. Although you could argue that it was an occasional suit.

I would suggest a change in the first line of V2 in Evening Stroll -

Nearby a sudden water splash
a mother duck leads her brood
swimming away.

Sudden splash:
a mother duck leads her brood
swimming (paddling?) away.

good stuff

Barrie

Sat Oct 20, 2007

Lake

Form: the last line could be made more active: conceals himself. This would also complete the circuit made by the first line (i.e. the "grasshopper" conceals himself "in a vast field". The actions of both object(grasshopper) and observer (poet/reader) are thus diagrammed from outer/larger to inner/singular and back again.

DuglasMark

Thu May 07, 2009

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