Haiku 6 Fragment/Phrase

2009-05-17 20:37:38

Fragment - then phrase
Reversal of phrase then fragment technique

still pond -
a duck paddles away in
the ripples of water

an old house -
dandelions bloom in
the spring rain

5/17/09

作者	留言
Lake	Ah yes, these work well, with the fragment and phrase. The images are vivid, and the language is plain. I'm not sure there are strong juxtapositions, but you have done enough to pass. Please make some minor changes to your two haiku. For instance it is not necessary to have 'of water' in your final line, as we know where ripples are: still pond - a loon paddles away in the ripples In the second one you don't need the overt adjective spring, because we know that dandelions bloom in spring. You've already shown us it's spring in this evocative way: an old house - dandelions bloom in the rain cheers! myron. Graded: 7/10, Solid understanding of concept - you got 15 points!

作者

留言

Lake

Ah yes, these work well, with the fragment and phrase. The images are vivid, and the language is plain. I'm not sure there are strong juxtapositions, but you have done enough to pass.

Please make some minor changes to your two haiku. For instance it is not necessary to have 'of water' in your final line, as we know where ripples are:

still pond -
a loon paddles away in
the ripples

In the second one you don't need the overt adjective spring, because we know that dandelions bloom in spring. You've already shown us it's spring in this evocative way:

an old house -
dandelions bloom in
the rain

cheers!
myron.
Graded: 7/10, Solid understanding of concept - you got 15 points!

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