The Man with a Camera

2011-10-20 16:27:04

The Man with a Camera

The man held up his camera,
Outdoor gear. The day was golden.

I walked up, “You have a long-gun,
You can shoot whatever you want.”

The man said, “It happened so fast,
Two herons rose up from the marsh

Fighting fiercely for their terrain.”
“Are you professional?” I asked.

He replied, “No. The difference
is a professional makes money;

An amateur, a fool like me,
Tries to catch the uncatchable.”

手拿相机的人

一个男人举着相机
户外装备。满天金黄。

我迎上前去，“你有把长枪，
可用它抓拍任何景象。”

他说，“一切发生太快，
两只苍鹭从沼泽中腾空而起

争夺各自的领地。”
“你是专业的吗？” 我问。

他回答，“不是。区别在于
专业摄影师以此挣钱；

业余者，如我这般的傻瓜
却试图捕捉难以捕捉的瞬间。”

（练练手，译成中文。10/27/2011)

Revision (Emuse)

The Man With A Camera

The man held up his outdoor gear
on this golden day. “You have a long-gun,

you can shoot whatever you want," I said.
“It happened so fast, two herons rose up

from the marsh fighting fiercely for their terrain.”
“Are you professional?” I asked.

“No. The difference is a professional makes money;
an amateur like me, tries to catch the uncatchable.”

~~

The man held up his camera,
outdoor gear. The day was golden.

“You have a long-gun, you can shoot
whatever you want.” I said.

“It happened so fast, two herons
rose straight up from the marsh

fighting fiercely for their terrain.”
“Are you professional?” I asked.

“No. A photographer shoots for a living,
while I tries to snap the uncatchable."

(Original, tried eight syllables each line; revision, broke it and eliminated some pronouns and made the lines longer, smoother?)

作者	留言
Lake	Hi Loon, The poem sets up an interesting question into the reason we create any art, for pay or for pleasure or for both? Do we need as poets to be "professionals" or do we just try to capture the moment without worrying whether a poem is publishable. I like the concept very well and my suggestions are more in terms of flow. Too many articles and short sentences make the read a bit choppy. I would play with this and try to make it a bit more conversational since you have implied the tone: The Man With A Camera The man held up his [camera,] (you already have "camera" in the title -- I would change the title or change the first line -- so instead, you have "the man held up his outdoor gear on this golden day...or" outdoor gear. The day was golden. [I walked up,] “You have a long-gun, (use of prepositional phrases make the read staccoto. Consider just putting yourself in the scene. you can shoot whatever you want.” (I said) [The man said,] “It happened so fast, two herons rose straight up from the marsh fighting fiercely for their terrain.” “Are you professional?” I asked. [He replied,] “No. The difference is a professional makes money; an amateur, a fool like me, tries to catch the uncatchable.” I think you can remove the pronouns for the subject and just allow the narrator to be identified. Something like this: The Man With A Camera The man held up his outdoor gear on this golden day. “You have a long-gun, you can shoot whatever you want," I said. “It happened so fast, two herons rose up from the marsh fighting fiercely for their terrain.” “Are you professional?” I asked. “No. The difference is a professional makes money; an amateur, a fool like me, tries to catch the uncatchable.” Just some suggestions to begin. Please take or toss. I am a nonprofessional myself -- a lot of hit or miss but when it hits it is so satisfying! E
Lake	As a serious outdoor photographer who had to relinquish his hobby because he was overly susceptible to skin cancer, and because his vision began to suffer from a severe depth-of-field problem, I know that those who carry a long-throw lens often also carry a light-duty tripod in their packs, and also carry their camera with a lens cover on the long-throw lens. Often, if the trail is dusty or the footing is rough, the whole camera is carried in a leather protector. I used to carry two cameras, one for quick shots, like (as in your poem) a great blue heron taking off from the lagoon, and a second for more "studied" work. I like your poem. I don\'t think that many amateurs call themselves fools just because they wander around hunting for that "spectacular shot." In other words, the self-deprecating comment seems a bit overmuch. Fred
Lake	Loved and learned much from your poem & subsequent commentaries. Really appreciated E\'s analysis. Related to this with a similar hobby to the extent you inspired a parallel experience. Title? The man with the long gun? That way you keep your original line. Alex Nodopaka
Lake	I like the original more than the revision. Especially him holding up his gear... that latter choice of word weakens the impact ~~~ The man held up his outdoor [gear] bazooka (lol) on this golden day. “You have a long-gun, you can shoot whatever you want," I said. “It happened so fast, two herons fighting fiercely for their terrain rose up from the marsh ” “Are you professional?” I asked. “No. The difference is A professional makes money; [an amateur, like me, tries to] (while I?) [catch] (hunt for?) the uncatchable.” Alex hi, Loon, the ending, even in the revision, seems too much of a "moral" still, for my taste in "poem closure." haha my feeling is you haveta sneak it in, maybe through shorter lines/statements there at the end. “No. He usually makes money; me, sometimes I catch the uncatchable.” (or: I just try to catch the uncatchable - or something similar, for last line.) I wouldn\'t be content with those exact words, especially using "He" as I did, but the impression I\'m trying to convey is a more casual, off-handed statement, with - hopefully - more profound undertones. john edit: or, a further degree of colloquialism: "No. He shoots for money; me, I go for the uncatchable." (but once again, not happy with "He"; and "I go" could be worded somehow to tie to "shoots" or the notion of earning?) j.