At the Cemetery

2011-04-09 10:17:20

At the Cemetery

“We’ve come to see you, my old man.”
Mama murmurs, wipes the dust
from your face, a vigorous, handsome
face looking straight at us.

Now you dwell in this small room,
windowless, with a glass door,
on the wall, not too low, nor too high,
a perfect spot as feng shui says.

I peep into your neighbor’s -
incense sticks, ash holders, ghost
money, fake fruit and all that. And a flag
over the lacquered cinerary casket.

Mama whispers: “ You said you came
to this world naked, and would depart
the same way.” But I’ll bring you, next time,
a national flag, and watch you draped

in it, like an Olympian at the finish line.

~~

We’ve come to see you, my old man.
Mama murmurs, wipes the dust
from your face, a vigorous, handsome
face looking straight at us.

Now you dwell in this small room,
windowless, with a glass door,
on the wall, not too low, nor too high,
a perfect spot as feng shui says.

I peep into your neighbor’s -
incense sticks, ash holders, ghost
money, fake fruit, an elegiac couplet
over a lacquered casket.

You don’t need all that. You came
into this world naked, and quietly departed
the same. We talk softly about death, your will -
our words moistened in this spring rain.

作者 留言
Lake Lake,

I really enjoyed your poem especially the ending.

I would like to hear you read this - maybe with the first line in Mandarin? (then translated)

The only nit I have is that "came to this world" would be better as "came into this world" which sounds like a biblical phrase (and may well be one)

Oh - and "lacquered cinerary casket" is a bit of a mouthful. I think "lacquered casket" would suffice.

Geoff
Lake Lake

This is a lovely, descriptive piece. That’s two about death in quick succession. I hope this isn’t a bad sign.

The structure looks good and the voice feels gentle.

I’d like to point to two nits in your modified version. They may well be personal preferences, but it would be interesting to hear what you think.

1. Mama murmurs – if this is a deliberate copy of an echoing voice in an enclosed room, it’s a magnificent achievement. If it’s an accidental combination of the 2 words, they seem too sing-song in combination.

2. “in this spring rain” – this turn of phrase gives me a minor bump each time I read it. It seems as if the narrator is saying, “Now pay attention, audience.” There’s been no mention of the rain, so it seems strange to use the word, “this”. I’d prefer something like “by the” instead of “in this”. That would maintain the gentle narrative voice of the rest, imho.

Only nits, but things that struck me.


enjoyed

og
发表回响
用户
帖子内容

表情图案
Very Happy Smile Sad Surprised
Shocked Confused Cool Laughing
Mad Razz Embarassed Crying or Very sad
Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Rolling Eyes Wink
Exclamation Question Idea Arrow
更多表情图案
 字型颜色:  字型大小: 完成标签
选项
HTML 功能 开放
BBCode 功能 开放
Smilies 功能 开放
在这个帖子里禁止HTML语言
在这个帖子里禁止BBCode
在这个帖子里禁止表情符号
 
论坛时间为 PST (美国/加拿大)