那天，出去散步是不可能了。其實，早上我們還在光禿禿的灌木林中溜達了一個小時， 但從午飯時起（無客造訪時，裏德太太很早就用午飯）便颳起了鼕日凜冽的寒風，隨後陰雲 密佈，大雨滂沱，室外的活動也就衹能作罷了。
我倒是求之不得。我嚮來不喜歡遠距離散步，尤其在冷颼颼的下午。試想，陰冷的薄暮 時分回得傢來，手腳都凍僵了，還要受到保姆貝茵的數落，又自覺體格不如伊麗莎、約翰和 喬治亞娜，心裏既難過又慚愧，那情形委實可怕。
此時此刻，剛纔提到的伊麗莎、約翰和喬治亞娜都在客廳裏，簇擁着他們的媽媽。她則 斜倚在爐邊的沙發上，身旁坐着自己的小寶貝們（眼下既未爭吵也未哭叫），一副安享天倫 之樂的神態。而我呢，她恩準我不必同他們坐在一起了，說是她很遺憾，不得不讓我獨個兒 在一旁呆着。要是沒有親耳從貝茜那兒聽到，並且親眼看到，我確實在盡力養成一種比較單 純隨和的習性，活潑可愛的舉止，也就是更開朗、更率直、更自然些，那她當真不讓我享受 那些衹配給予快樂知足的孩子們的特權了。
“貝茵說我幹了什麽啦？”我問。
“簡，我不喜歡吹毛求疵或者刨根究底的人，更何況小孩子傢這麽跟大人頂嘴實在讓人 討厭。找個地方去坐着，不會和氣說話就別張嘴。”
客廳的隔壁是一間小小的餐室，我溜了進去。裏面有一個書架。不一會兒，我從上面拿 下一本書來，特意挑插圖多的，爬上窗臺，縮起雙腳，像土耳其人那樣盤腿坐下，將紅色的 波紋窗簾幾乎完全拉攏，把自己加倍隱蔽了起來。
在我右側，緋紅色窗幔的皺褶檔住了我的視綫；左側，明亮的玻璃窗庇護着我，使我既 免受十一月陰沉天氣的侵害，又不與外面的世界隔絶，在翻書的間隙，我擡頭細看鼕日下午 的景色。衹見遠方白茫茫一片雲霧，近處濕漉漉一塊草地和受風雨襲擊的灌木。一陣持久而 凄厲的狂風，驅趕着如註的暴雨，橫空歸過。
我重又低頭看書，那是本比尤伊剋的《英國鳥類史》。文字部份我一般不感興趣，但有 幾頁導言，雖說我是孩子，卻不願當作空頁隨手翻過。內中寫到了海鳥生息之地；寫到了衹 有海鳥棲居的“孤零零的岩石和海岬”；寫到了自南端林納斯尼斯，或納斯，至北角都遍布 小島的挪威海岸：
那裏，北冰洋掀起的巨大漩渦，咆哮在極地光禿凄涼約小島四周。而大西洋的洶涌波 濤，瀉入了狂暴的赫布裏底群島。
還有些地方我也不能看都不看，一翻而過，那就是書中提到的拉普蘭、西伯利亞、斯匹 次卑爾根群島、新地島、冰島和格陵蘭荒涼的海岸。“廣袤無垠的北極地帶和那些陰凄凄的 不毛之地，宛若冰雪的儲存庫。千萬個寒鼕所積聚成的堅冰，像阿爾卑斯山的層層高峰，光 滑晶瑩，包圍着地極，把與日俱增的嚴寒匯集於一處。”我對這些死白色的地域，已有一定 之見，但一時難以捉摸，仿佛孩子們某些似懂非懂的念頭，朦朦朧朧浮現在腦際，卻出奇地 生動，導言中的這幾頁文字，與後面的插圖相配，使兀立波濤中的孤岩，擱淺在荒涼 海岸上的破船，以及透過雲帶俯視着沉船的幽幽月光，更加含義雋永了。
我說不清一種什麽樣的情調彌漫在孤寂的墓地：刻有銘文的墓碑、一扇大門、兩棵樹、 低低的地平綫、破敗的圍墻。一彎初升的新月，表明時候正是黃昏。
兩艘輪船停泊在水波不興的海面上，我以為它們是海上的鬼怪。
魔鬼從身後按住竊賊的背包，那模樣實在可怕，我趕緊翻了過去。
一樣可怕的是，那個頭上長角的黑色怪物，獨踞於岩石之上，遠眺着一大群人圍着絞 架。
每幅畫都是一個故事、由於我理解力不足，欣賞水平有限，它們往往顯得神秘莫測，但 無不趣味盎然，就像某些鼕夜，貝茜碰巧心情不錯時講述的故事一樣。遇到這種時候，貝茵 會把燙衣桌搬到保育室的壁爐旁邊，讓我們圍着它坐好。她一面熨裏德太太的網眼飾邊，把 睡帽的邊沿燙出褶襇來，一面讓我們迫不及待地傾聽她一段段愛情和冒險故事，這些片段取 自於古老的神話傳說和更古老的歌謠，或者如我後來所發現，來自《帕美拉》和《莫蘭伯爵 亨利》。
當時，我膝頭攤着比尤伊剋的書，心裏樂滋滋的，至少是自得其樂，就怕別人來打擾。 但打擾來得很快，餐室的門開了。
“噓！苦惱小姐！”約翰·裏德叫喚着，隨後又打住了，顯然發覺房間裏空無一人。
“見鬼，上哪兒去了呀？”他接着說。“麗茜！喬琪！”（喊着他的姐妹）“瓊不在這 兒吶，告訴媽媽她竄到雨地裏去了，這個壞畜牲！”
“幸虧我拉好了窗簾，”我想。我真希望他發現不了我的藏身之地。約翰·裏德自己是 發現不了的，他眼睛不尖，頭腦不靈。可惜伊麗莎從門外一探進頭來，就說：
“她在窗臺上，準沒錯，傑剋。”
我立即走了出來，因為一想到要被這個傑剋硬拖出去，身子便直打哆嗦。
什麽事呀？”我問，既尷尬又不安。
“該說，什麽事呀，裏德‘少爺？’”便是我得到的回答。“我要你到這裏來，”他在 扶手椅上坐下，打了個手勢，示意我走過去站到他面前。
約翰·裏德是個十四歲的小學生，比我大四歲，因為我纔十歲。論年齡，他長得又大又 胖，但膚色灰暗，一付病態。臉盤闊，五官粗，四肢肥，手膨大。還喜歡暴飲暴食，落得個 肝火很旺，目光遲鈍，兩頰鬆弛。這陣子，他本該呆在學校裏，可是他媽把他領了回來，住 上—、兩個月，說是因為“身體虛弱”。但他老師邁爾斯先生卻斷言，要是傢裏少送些糕點 糖果去，他會什麽都很好的，做母親的心裏卻討厭這麽刻薄的話，而傾嚮於一種更隨和的想 法，認為約翰是過於用功，或許還因為想傢，纔弄得那麽面色蠟黃的。
約翰對母親和姐妹們沒有多少感情，而對我則很厭惡。他欺侮我，我，不是一周三 兩次，也不是一天一兩回，而是經常如此。弄得我每根神經都怕他，他一走運，我身子骨上 的每塊肌肉都會收縮起來。有時我會被他嚇得手足無措，因為面對他的恐嚇和欺侮，我無處 哭訴。傭人們不願站在我一邊去得罪他們的少爺，而裏德太太則裝聾作啞，兒子打我駡我， 她熟視無睹，儘管他動不動當着她的面這樣做，而背着她的時候不用說就更多了。
我對約翰已慣於逆來順受，因此便走到他椅子跟前。他費了大約三分鐘，拼命嚮我伸出 舌頭，就差沒有綳斷舌根。我明白他會馬上下手，一面擔心挨打，一面凝視着這個就要動手 的人那付令人厭惡的醜態。我不知道他看出了我的心思沒有，反正他二話沒說，猛然間狠命 揍我。我一個踉蹌，從他椅子前倒退了一兩步纔站穩身子。
“這是對你的教訓，誰叫你剛纔那麽無禮跟媽媽頂嘴，”他說，“誰叫你鬼鬼祟祟躲到 窗簾後面，誰叫你兩分鐘之前眼光裏露出那付鬼樣子，你這耗子！”
我已經習慣於約翰·裏德的謾駡，從來不願去理睬，一心衹想着加何去忍受辱駡以後必 然接蹤而來的毆打。
“你躲在窗簾後面幹什麽？”他問。
“在看書。”
“把書拿來。”
我走回窗前把書取來。
“你沒有資格動我們的書。媽媽說的，你靠別人養活你，你沒有錢，你爸爸什麽也沒留 給你，你應當去討飯，而不該同像我們這樣體面人傢的孩子一起過日子，不該同我們吃一樣 的飯，穿媽媽掏錢給買的衣服。現在我要教訓你，讓你知道翻我們書架的好處。這些書都是 我的，連整座房子都是，要不過幾年就歸我了。滾，站到門邊去，離鏡子和窗子遠些。”
我照他的話做了，起初並不知道他的用意。但是他把書舉起，拿穩當了，立起身來擺出 要扔過來的架勢時，我一聲驚叫，本能地往旁邊一閃，可是晚了、那本書己經扔過來，正好 打中了我，我應聲倒下，腦袋撞在門上，碰出了血來，疼痛難忍。我的恐懼心理已經越過了 極限，被其他情感所代替。
“你是個惡毒殘暴的孩子！”我說。“你像個殺人犯——你是個奴隸監工——你像羅馬 皇帝！”
我讀過哥爾斯密的《羅馬史》，時尼祿、卡利古拉等人物已有自己的看法，並暗暗作過 類比，但决沒有想到會如此大聲地說出口來。
“什麽！什麽！”他大叫大嚷。“那是她說的嗎？伊麗莎、喬治亞娜，你們可聽見她說 了？我會不去告訴媽媽嗎？不過我得先——”
他嚮我直衝過來，我衹覺得他抓住了我的頭髮和肩膀，他跟一個拼老命的傢夥扭打在一 起了。我發現他真是個暴君，是個殺人犯。我覺得一兩滴血從頭上順着脖子淌下來，感到一 陣熱辣辣的劇痛。這些感覺一時占了上風，我不再畏懼，而發瘋似地同他對打起來。我不太 清楚自己的雙手到底幹了什麽，衹聽得他駡我“耗子！耗子！”一面殺豬似地嚎叫着。他的 幫手近在咫尺，伊麗莎和喬治亞娜早已跑出去討救兵，裏德太太上了樓梯，來到現場，後面 跟隨着貝茜和女傭艾博特。她們我們拉開了，我衹聽見她們說：
“哎呀！哎呀！這麽大的氣出在約翰少爺身上：”
“誰見過那麽火冒三丈的！”
隨後裏德太太補充說：
“帶她到紅房子裏去，關起來。”於是馬上就有兩雙手按住了我，把我推上樓去。
I was glad of it: I never liked long walks, especially on chilly afternoons: dreadful to me was the coming home in the raw twilight, with nipped fingers and toes, and a heart saddened by the chidings of Bessie, the nurse, and humbled by the consciousness of my physical inferiority to Eliza, John, and Georgiana Reed.
The said Eliza, John, and Georgiana were now clustered round their mama in the drawing-room: she lay reclined on a sofa by the fireside, and with her darlings about her (for the time neither quarrelling nor crying) looked perfectly happy. Me, she had dispensed from joining the group; saying, "She regretted to be under the necessity of keeping me at a distance; but that until she heard from Bessie, and could discover by her own observation, that I was endeavouring in good earnest to acquire a more sociable and childlike disposition, a more attractive and sprightly manner -- something lighter, franker, more natural, as it were -- she really must exclude me from privileges intended only for contented, happy, little children. "
"What does Bessie say I have done?" I asked.
"Jane, I don't like cavillers or questioners; besides, there is something truly forbidding in a child taking up her elders in that manner. Be seated somewhere; and until you can speak pleasantly, remain silent. "
A breakfast-room adjoined the drawing-room, I slipped in there. It contained a bookcase: I soon possessed myself of a volume, taking care that it should be one stored with pictures. I mounted into the window-seat: gathering up my feet, I sat cross-legged, like a Turk; and, having drawn the red moreen curtain nearly close, I was shrined in double retirement.
Folds of scarlet drapery shut in my view to the right hand; to the left were the clear panes of glass, protecting, but not separating me from the drear November day. At intervals, while turning over the leaves of my book, I studied the aspect of that winter afternoon. Afar, it offered a pale blank of mist and cloud; near a scene of wet lawn and storm-beat shrub, with ceaseless rain sweeping away wildly before a long and lamentable blast.
I returned to my book -- Bewick's History of British Birds: the letterpress thereof I cared little for, generally speaking; and yet there were certain introductory pages that, child as I was, I could not pass quite as a blank. They were those which treat of the haunts of sea-fowl; of "the solitary rocks and promontories" by them only inhabited; of the coast of Norway, studded with isles from its southern extremity, the Lindeness, or Naze, to the North Cape -
"Where the Northern Ocean, in vast whirls, Boils round the naked, melancholy isles Of farthest Thule; and the Atlantic surge Pours in among the stormy Hebrides. "
Nor could I pass unnoticed the suggestion of the bleak shores of Lapland, Siberia, Spitzbergen, Nova Zembla, Iceland, Greenland, with "the vast sweep of the Arctic Zone, and those forlorn regions of dreary space, -- that reservoir of frost and snow, where firm fields of ice, the accumulation of centuries of winters, glazed in Alpine heights above heights, surround the pole, and concentre the multiplied rigours of extreme cold. " Of these death-white realms I formed an idea of my own: shadowy, like all the half-comprehended notions that float dim through children's brains, but strangely impressive. The words in these introductory pages connected themselves with the succeeding vignettes, and gave significance to the rock standing up alone in a sea of billow and spray; to the broken boat stranded on a desolate coast; to the cold and ghastly moon glancing through bars of cloud at a wreck just sinking.
I cannot tell what sentiment haunted the quite solitary churchyard, with its inscribed headstone; its gate, its two trees, its low horizon, girdled by a broken wall, and its newly-risen crescent, attesting the hour of eventide.
The two ships becalmed on a torpid sea, I believed to be marine phantoms.
The fiend pinning down the thief's pack behind him, I passed over quickly: it was an object of terror.
So was the black horned thing seated aloof on a rock, surveying a distant crowd surrounding a gallows.
Each picture told a story; mysterious often to my undeveloped understanding and imperfect feelings, yet ever profoundly interesting: as interesting as the tales Bessie sometimes narrated on winter evenings, when she chanced to be in good humour; and when, having brought her ironing-table to the nursery hearth, she allowed us to sit about it, and while she got up Mrs. Reed's lace frills, and crimped her nightcap borders, fed our eager attention with passages of love and adventure taken from old fairy tales and other ballads; or (as at a later period I discovered) from the pages of Pamela, and Henry, Earl of Moreland.
With Bewick on my knee, I was then happy: happy at least in my way. I feared nothing but interruption, and that came too soon. The breakfast-room door opened.
"Boh! Madam Mope!" cried the voice of John Reed; then he paused: he found the room apparently empty.
"Where the dickens is she!" he continued. "Lizzy! Georgy! (calling to his sisters) Joan is not here: tell mama she is run out into the rain -- bad animal!"
"It is well I drew the curtain, " thought I; and I wished fervently he might not discover my hiding-place: nor would John Reed have found it out himself; he was not quick either of vision or conception; but Eliza just put her head in at the door, and said at once -
"She is in the window-seat, to be sure, Jack. "
And I came out immediately, for I trembled at the idea of being dragged forth by the said Jack.
"What do you want?" I asked, with awkward diffidence.
"Say, 'What do you want, Master Reed?'" was the answer. "I want you to come here;" and seating himself in an arm-chair, he intimated by a gesture that I was to approach and stand before him.
John Reed was a schoolboy of fourteen years old; four years older than I, for I was but ten: large and stout for his age, with a dingy and unwholesome skin; thick lineaments in a spacious visage, heavy limbs and large extremities. He gorged himself habitually at table, which made him bilious, and gave him a dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks. He ought now to have been at school; but his mama had taken him home for a month or two, "on account of his delicate health. " Mr. Miles, the master, affirmed that he would do very well if he had fewer cakes and sweetmeats sent him from home; but the mother's heart turned from an opinion so harsh, and inclined rather to the more refined idea that John's sallowness was owing to over-application and, perhaps, to pining after home.
John had not much affection for his mother and sisters, and an antipathy to me. He bullied and punished me; not two or three times in the week, nor once or twice in the day, but continually: every nerve I had feared him, and every morsel of flesh in my bones shrank when he came near. There were moments when I was bewildered by the terror he inspired, because I had no appeal whatever against either his menaces or his inflictions; the servants did not like to offend their young master by taking my part against him, and Mrs. Reed was blind and deaf on the subject: she never saw him strike or heard him abuse me, though he did both now and then in her very presence, more frequently, however, behind her back.
Habitually obedient to John, I came up to his chair: he spent some three minutes in thrusting out his tongue at me as far as he could without damaging the roots: I knew he would soon strike, and while dreading the blow, I mused on the disgusting and ugly appearance of him who would presently deal it. I wonder if he read that notion in my face; for, all at once, without speaking, he struck suddenly and strongly. I tottered, and on regaining my equilibrium retired back a step or two from his chair.
"That is for your impudence in answering mama awhile since, " said he, "and for your sneaking way of getting behind curtains, and for the look you had in your eyes two minutes since, you rat!"
Accustomed to John Reed's abuse, I never had an idea of replying to it; my care was how to endure the blow which would certainly follow the insult.
"What were you doing behind the curtain?" he asked.
"I was reading. "
"Show the book. "
I returned to the window and fetched it thence.
"You have no business to take our books; you are a dependent, mama says; you have no money; your father left you none; you ought to beg, and not to live here with gentlemen's children like us, and eat the same meals we do, and wear clothes at our mama's expense. Now, I'll teach you to rummage my bookshelves: for they ARE mine; all the house belongs to me, or will do in a few years. Go and stand by the door, out of the way of the mirror and the windows. "
I did so, not at first aware what was his intention; but when I saw him lift and poise the book and stand in act to hurl it, I instinctively started aside with a cry of alarm: not soon enough, however; the volume was flung, it hit me, and I fell, striking my head against the door and cutting it. The cut bled, the pain was sharp: my terror had passed its climax; other feelings succeeded.
"Wicked and cruel boy!" I said. "You are like a murderer -- you are like a slave-driver -- you are like the Roman emperors!"
I had read Goldsmith's History of Rome, and had formed my opinion of Nero, Caligula, &c. Also I had drawn parallels in silence, which I never thought thus to have declared aloud.
"What! what!" he cried. "Did she say that to me? Did you hear her, Eliza and Georgiana? Won't I tell mama? but first -- "
He ran headlong at me: I felt him grasp my hair and my shoulder: he had closed with a desperate thing. I really saw in him a tyrant, a murderer. I felt a drop or two of blood from my head trickle down my neck, and was sensible of somewhat pungent suffering: these sensations for the time predominated over fear, and I received him in frantic sort. I don't very well know what I did with my hands, but he called me "Rat! Rat!" and bellowed out aloud. Aid was near him: Eliza and Georgiana had run for Mrs. Reed, who was gone upstairs: she now came upon the scene, followed by Bessie and her maid Abbot. We were parted: I heard the words -
"Dear! dear! What a fury to fly at Master John!"
"Did ever anybody see such a picture of passion!"
Then Mrs. Reed subjoined -
"Take her away to the red-room, and lock her in there. " Four hands were immediately laid upon me, and I was borne upstairs.
我倒是求之不得。我嚮來不喜歡遠距離散步，尤其在冷颼颼的下午。試想，陰冷的薄暮 時分回得傢來，手腳都凍僵了，還要受到保姆貝茵的數落，又自覺體格不如伊麗莎、約翰和 喬治亞娜，心裏既難過又慚愧，那情形委實可怕。
此時此刻，剛纔提到的伊麗莎、約翰和喬治亞娜都在客廳裏，簇擁着他們的媽媽。她則 斜倚在爐邊的沙發上，身旁坐着自己的小寶貝們（眼下既未爭吵也未哭叫），一副安享天倫 之樂的神態。而我呢，她恩準我不必同他們坐在一起了，說是她很遺憾，不得不讓我獨個兒 在一旁呆着。要是沒有親耳從貝茜那兒聽到，並且親眼看到，我確實在盡力養成一種比較單 純隨和的習性，活潑可愛的舉止，也就是更開朗、更率直、更自然些，那她當真不讓我享受 那些衹配給予快樂知足的孩子們的特權了。
“貝茵說我幹了什麽啦？”我問。
“簡，我不喜歡吹毛求疵或者刨根究底的人，更何況小孩子傢這麽跟大人頂嘴實在讓人 討厭。找個地方去坐着，不會和氣說話就別張嘴。”
客廳的隔壁是一間小小的餐室，我溜了進去。裏面有一個書架。不一會兒，我從上面拿 下一本書來，特意挑插圖多的，爬上窗臺，縮起雙腳，像土耳其人那樣盤腿坐下，將紅色的 波紋窗簾幾乎完全拉攏，把自己加倍隱蔽了起來。
在我右側，緋紅色窗幔的皺褶檔住了我的視綫；左側，明亮的玻璃窗庇護着我，使我既 免受十一月陰沉天氣的侵害，又不與外面的世界隔絶，在翻書的間隙，我擡頭細看鼕日下午 的景色。衹見遠方白茫茫一片雲霧，近處濕漉漉一塊草地和受風雨襲擊的灌木。一陣持久而 凄厲的狂風，驅趕着如註的暴雨，橫空歸過。
我重又低頭看書，那是本比尤伊剋的《英國鳥類史》。文字部份我一般不感興趣，但有 幾頁導言，雖說我是孩子，卻不願當作空頁隨手翻過。內中寫到了海鳥生息之地；寫到了衹 有海鳥棲居的“孤零零的岩石和海岬”；寫到了自南端林納斯尼斯，或納斯，至北角都遍布 小島的挪威海岸：
那裏，北冰洋掀起的巨大漩渦，咆哮在極地光禿凄涼約小島四周。而大西洋的洶涌波 濤，瀉入了狂暴的赫布裏底群島。
還有些地方我也不能看都不看，一翻而過，那就是書中提到的拉普蘭、西伯利亞、斯匹 次卑爾根群島、新地島、冰島和格陵蘭荒涼的海岸。“廣袤無垠的北極地帶和那些陰凄凄的 不毛之地，宛若冰雪的儲存庫。千萬個寒鼕所積聚成的堅冰，像阿爾卑斯山的層層高峰，光 滑晶瑩，包圍着地極，把與日俱增的嚴寒匯集於一處。”我對這些死白色的地域，已有一定 之見，但一時難以捉摸，仿佛孩子們某些似懂非懂的念頭，朦朦朧朧浮現在腦際，卻出奇地 生動，導言中的這幾頁文字，與後面的插圖相配，使兀立波濤中的孤岩，擱淺在荒涼 海岸上的破船，以及透過雲帶俯視着沉船的幽幽月光，更加含義雋永了。
我說不清一種什麽樣的情調彌漫在孤寂的墓地：刻有銘文的墓碑、一扇大門、兩棵樹、 低低的地平綫、破敗的圍墻。一彎初升的新月，表明時候正是黃昏。
兩艘輪船停泊在水波不興的海面上，我以為它們是海上的鬼怪。
魔鬼從身後按住竊賊的背包，那模樣實在可怕，我趕緊翻了過去。
一樣可怕的是，那個頭上長角的黑色怪物，獨踞於岩石之上，遠眺着一大群人圍着絞 架。
每幅畫都是一個故事、由於我理解力不足，欣賞水平有限，它們往往顯得神秘莫測，但 無不趣味盎然，就像某些鼕夜，貝茜碰巧心情不錯時講述的故事一樣。遇到這種時候，貝茵 會把燙衣桌搬到保育室的壁爐旁邊，讓我們圍着它坐好。她一面熨裏德太太的網眼飾邊，把 睡帽的邊沿燙出褶襇來，一面讓我們迫不及待地傾聽她一段段愛情和冒險故事，這些片段取 自於古老的神話傳說和更古老的歌謠，或者如我後來所發現，來自《帕美拉》和《莫蘭伯爵 亨利》。
當時，我膝頭攤着比尤伊剋的書，心裏樂滋滋的，至少是自得其樂，就怕別人來打擾。 但打擾來得很快，餐室的門開了。
“噓！苦惱小姐！”約翰·裏德叫喚着，隨後又打住了，顯然發覺房間裏空無一人。
“見鬼，上哪兒去了呀？”他接着說。“麗茜！喬琪！”（喊着他的姐妹）“瓊不在這 兒吶，告訴媽媽她竄到雨地裏去了，這個壞畜牲！”
“幸虧我拉好了窗簾，”我想。我真希望他發現不了我的藏身之地。約翰·裏德自己是 發現不了的，他眼睛不尖，頭腦不靈。可惜伊麗莎從門外一探進頭來，就說：
“她在窗臺上，準沒錯，傑剋。”
我立即走了出來，因為一想到要被這個傑剋硬拖出去，身子便直打哆嗦。
什麽事呀？”我問，既尷尬又不安。
“該說，什麽事呀，裏德‘少爺？’”便是我得到的回答。“我要你到這裏來，”他在 扶手椅上坐下，打了個手勢，示意我走過去站到他面前。
約翰·裏德是個十四歲的小學生，比我大四歲，因為我纔十歲。論年齡，他長得又大又 胖，但膚色灰暗，一付病態。臉盤闊，五官粗，四肢肥，手膨大。還喜歡暴飲暴食，落得個 肝火很旺，目光遲鈍，兩頰鬆弛。這陣子，他本該呆在學校裏，可是他媽把他領了回來，住 上—、兩個月，說是因為“身體虛弱”。但他老師邁爾斯先生卻斷言，要是傢裏少送些糕點 糖果去，他會什麽都很好的，做母親的心裏卻討厭這麽刻薄的話，而傾嚮於一種更隨和的想 法，認為約翰是過於用功，或許還因為想傢，纔弄得那麽面色蠟黃的。
約翰對母親和姐妹們沒有多少感情，而對我則很厭惡。他欺侮我，我，不是一周三 兩次，也不是一天一兩回，而是經常如此。弄得我每根神經都怕他，他一走運，我身子骨上 的每塊肌肉都會收縮起來。有時我會被他嚇得手足無措，因為面對他的恐嚇和欺侮，我無處 哭訴。傭人們不願站在我一邊去得罪他們的少爺，而裏德太太則裝聾作啞，兒子打我駡我， 她熟視無睹，儘管他動不動當着她的面這樣做，而背着她的時候不用說就更多了。
我對約翰已慣於逆來順受，因此便走到他椅子跟前。他費了大約三分鐘，拼命嚮我伸出 舌頭，就差沒有綳斷舌根。我明白他會馬上下手，一面擔心挨打，一面凝視着這個就要動手 的人那付令人厭惡的醜態。我不知道他看出了我的心思沒有，反正他二話沒說，猛然間狠命 揍我。我一個踉蹌，從他椅子前倒退了一兩步纔站穩身子。
“這是對你的教訓，誰叫你剛纔那麽無禮跟媽媽頂嘴，”他說，“誰叫你鬼鬼祟祟躲到 窗簾後面，誰叫你兩分鐘之前眼光裏露出那付鬼樣子，你這耗子！”
我已經習慣於約翰·裏德的謾駡，從來不願去理睬，一心衹想着加何去忍受辱駡以後必 然接蹤而來的毆打。
“你躲在窗簾後面幹什麽？”他問。
“在看書。”
“把書拿來。”
我走回窗前把書取來。
“你沒有資格動我們的書。媽媽說的，你靠別人養活你，你沒有錢，你爸爸什麽也沒留 給你，你應當去討飯，而不該同像我們這樣體面人傢的孩子一起過日子，不該同我們吃一樣 的飯，穿媽媽掏錢給買的衣服。現在我要教訓你，讓你知道翻我們書架的好處。這些書都是 我的，連整座房子都是，要不過幾年就歸我了。滾，站到門邊去，離鏡子和窗子遠些。”
我照他的話做了，起初並不知道他的用意。但是他把書舉起，拿穩當了，立起身來擺出 要扔過來的架勢時，我一聲驚叫，本能地往旁邊一閃，可是晚了、那本書己經扔過來，正好 打中了我，我應聲倒下，腦袋撞在門上，碰出了血來，疼痛難忍。我的恐懼心理已經越過了 極限，被其他情感所代替。
“你是個惡毒殘暴的孩子！”我說。“你像個殺人犯——你是個奴隸監工——你像羅馬 皇帝！”
我讀過哥爾斯密的《羅馬史》，時尼祿、卡利古拉等人物已有自己的看法，並暗暗作過 類比，但决沒有想到會如此大聲地說出口來。
“什麽！什麽！”他大叫大嚷。“那是她說的嗎？伊麗莎、喬治亞娜，你們可聽見她說 了？我會不去告訴媽媽嗎？不過我得先——”
他嚮我直衝過來，我衹覺得他抓住了我的頭髮和肩膀，他跟一個拼老命的傢夥扭打在一 起了。我發現他真是個暴君，是個殺人犯。我覺得一兩滴血從頭上順着脖子淌下來，感到一 陣熱辣辣的劇痛。這些感覺一時占了上風，我不再畏懼，而發瘋似地同他對打起來。我不太 清楚自己的雙手到底幹了什麽，衹聽得他駡我“耗子！耗子！”一面殺豬似地嚎叫着。他的 幫手近在咫尺，伊麗莎和喬治亞娜早已跑出去討救兵，裏德太太上了樓梯，來到現場，後面 跟隨着貝茜和女傭艾博特。她們我們拉開了，我衹聽見她們說：
“哎呀！哎呀！這麽大的氣出在約翰少爺身上：”
“誰見過那麽火冒三丈的！”
隨後裏德太太補充說：
“帶她到紅房子裏去，關起來。”於是馬上就有兩雙手按住了我，把我推上樓去。
I was glad of it: I never liked long walks, especially on chilly afternoons: dreadful to me was the coming home in the raw twilight, with nipped fingers and toes, and a heart saddened by the chidings of Bessie, the nurse, and humbled by the consciousness of my physical inferiority to Eliza, John, and Georgiana Reed.
The said Eliza, John, and Georgiana were now clustered round their mama in the drawing-room: she lay reclined on a sofa by the fireside, and with her darlings about her (for the time neither quarrelling nor crying) looked perfectly happy. Me, she had dispensed from joining the group; saying, "She regretted to be under the necessity of keeping me at a distance; but that until she heard from Bessie, and could discover by her own observation, that I was endeavouring in good earnest to acquire a more sociable and childlike disposition, a more attractive and sprightly manner -- something lighter, franker, more natural, as it were -- she really must exclude me from privileges intended only for contented, happy, little children. "
"What does Bessie say I have done?" I asked.
"Jane, I don't like cavillers or questioners; besides, there is something truly forbidding in a child taking up her elders in that manner. Be seated somewhere; and until you can speak pleasantly, remain silent. "
A breakfast-room adjoined the drawing-room, I slipped in there. It contained a bookcase: I soon possessed myself of a volume, taking care that it should be one stored with pictures. I mounted into the window-seat: gathering up my feet, I sat cross-legged, like a Turk; and, having drawn the red moreen curtain nearly close, I was shrined in double retirement.
Folds of scarlet drapery shut in my view to the right hand; to the left were the clear panes of glass, protecting, but not separating me from the drear November day. At intervals, while turning over the leaves of my book, I studied the aspect of that winter afternoon. Afar, it offered a pale blank of mist and cloud; near a scene of wet lawn and storm-beat shrub, with ceaseless rain sweeping away wildly before a long and lamentable blast.
I returned to my book -- Bewick's History of British Birds: the letterpress thereof I cared little for, generally speaking; and yet there were certain introductory pages that, child as I was, I could not pass quite as a blank. They were those which treat of the haunts of sea-fowl; of "the solitary rocks and promontories" by them only inhabited; of the coast of Norway, studded with isles from its southern extremity, the Lindeness, or Naze, to the North Cape -
"Where the Northern Ocean, in vast whirls, Boils round the naked, melancholy isles Of farthest Thule; and the Atlantic surge Pours in among the stormy Hebrides. "
Nor could I pass unnoticed the suggestion of the bleak shores of Lapland, Siberia, Spitzbergen, Nova Zembla, Iceland, Greenland, with "the vast sweep of the Arctic Zone, and those forlorn regions of dreary space, -- that reservoir of frost and snow, where firm fields of ice, the accumulation of centuries of winters, glazed in Alpine heights above heights, surround the pole, and concentre the multiplied rigours of extreme cold. " Of these death-white realms I formed an idea of my own: shadowy, like all the half-comprehended notions that float dim through children's brains, but strangely impressive. The words in these introductory pages connected themselves with the succeeding vignettes, and gave significance to the rock standing up alone in a sea of billow and spray; to the broken boat stranded on a desolate coast; to the cold and ghastly moon glancing through bars of cloud at a wreck just sinking.
I cannot tell what sentiment haunted the quite solitary churchyard, with its inscribed headstone; its gate, its two trees, its low horizon, girdled by a broken wall, and its newly-risen crescent, attesting the hour of eventide.
The two ships becalmed on a torpid sea, I believed to be marine phantoms.
The fiend pinning down the thief's pack behind him, I passed over quickly: it was an object of terror.
So was the black horned thing seated aloof on a rock, surveying a distant crowd surrounding a gallows.
Each picture told a story; mysterious often to my undeveloped understanding and imperfect feelings, yet ever profoundly interesting: as interesting as the tales Bessie sometimes narrated on winter evenings, when she chanced to be in good humour; and when, having brought her ironing-table to the nursery hearth, she allowed us to sit about it, and while she got up Mrs. Reed's lace frills, and crimped her nightcap borders, fed our eager attention with passages of love and adventure taken from old fairy tales and other ballads; or (as at a later period I discovered) from the pages of Pamela, and Henry, Earl of Moreland.
With Bewick on my knee, I was then happy: happy at least in my way. I feared nothing but interruption, and that came too soon. The breakfast-room door opened.
"Boh! Madam Mope!" cried the voice of John Reed; then he paused: he found the room apparently empty.
"Where the dickens is she!" he continued. "Lizzy! Georgy! (calling to his sisters) Joan is not here: tell mama she is run out into the rain -- bad animal!"
"It is well I drew the curtain, " thought I; and I wished fervently he might not discover my hiding-place: nor would John Reed have found it out himself; he was not quick either of vision or conception; but Eliza just put her head in at the door, and said at once -
"She is in the window-seat, to be sure, Jack. "
And I came out immediately, for I trembled at the idea of being dragged forth by the said Jack.
"What do you want?" I asked, with awkward diffidence.
"Say, 'What do you want, Master Reed?'" was the answer. "I want you to come here;" and seating himself in an arm-chair, he intimated by a gesture that I was to approach and stand before him.
John Reed was a schoolboy of fourteen years old; four years older than I, for I was but ten: large and stout for his age, with a dingy and unwholesome skin; thick lineaments in a spacious visage, heavy limbs and large extremities. He gorged himself habitually at table, which made him bilious, and gave him a dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks. He ought now to have been at school; but his mama had taken him home for a month or two, "on account of his delicate health. " Mr. Miles, the master, affirmed that he would do very well if he had fewer cakes and sweetmeats sent him from home; but the mother's heart turned from an opinion so harsh, and inclined rather to the more refined idea that John's sallowness was owing to over-application and, perhaps, to pining after home.
John had not much affection for his mother and sisters, and an antipathy to me. He bullied and punished me; not two or three times in the week, nor once or twice in the day, but continually: every nerve I had feared him, and every morsel of flesh in my bones shrank when he came near. There were moments when I was bewildered by the terror he inspired, because I had no appeal whatever against either his menaces or his inflictions; the servants did not like to offend their young master by taking my part against him, and Mrs. Reed was blind and deaf on the subject: she never saw him strike or heard him abuse me, though he did both now and then in her very presence, more frequently, however, behind her back.
Habitually obedient to John, I came up to his chair: he spent some three minutes in thrusting out his tongue at me as far as he could without damaging the roots: I knew he would soon strike, and while dreading the blow, I mused on the disgusting and ugly appearance of him who would presently deal it. I wonder if he read that notion in my face; for, all at once, without speaking, he struck suddenly and strongly. I tottered, and on regaining my equilibrium retired back a step or two from his chair.
"That is for your impudence in answering mama awhile since, " said he, "and for your sneaking way of getting behind curtains, and for the look you had in your eyes two minutes since, you rat!"
Accustomed to John Reed's abuse, I never had an idea of replying to it; my care was how to endure the blow which would certainly follow the insult.
"What were you doing behind the curtain?" he asked.
"I was reading. "
"Show the book. "
I returned to the window and fetched it thence.
"You have no business to take our books; you are a dependent, mama says; you have no money; your father left you none; you ought to beg, and not to live here with gentlemen's children like us, and eat the same meals we do, and wear clothes at our mama's expense. Now, I'll teach you to rummage my bookshelves: for they ARE mine; all the house belongs to me, or will do in a few years. Go and stand by the door, out of the way of the mirror and the windows. "
I did so, not at first aware what was his intention; but when I saw him lift and poise the book and stand in act to hurl it, I instinctively started aside with a cry of alarm: not soon enough, however; the volume was flung, it hit me, and I fell, striking my head against the door and cutting it. The cut bled, the pain was sharp: my terror had passed its climax; other feelings succeeded.
"Wicked and cruel boy!" I said. "You are like a murderer -- you are like a slave-driver -- you are like the Roman emperors!"
I had read Goldsmith's History of Rome, and had formed my opinion of Nero, Caligula, &c. Also I had drawn parallels in silence, which I never thought thus to have declared aloud.
"What! what!" he cried. "Did she say that to me? Did you hear her, Eliza and Georgiana? Won't I tell mama? but first -- "
He ran headlong at me: I felt him grasp my hair and my shoulder: he had closed with a desperate thing. I really saw in him a tyrant, a murderer. I felt a drop or two of blood from my head trickle down my neck, and was sensible of somewhat pungent suffering: these sensations for the time predominated over fear, and I received him in frantic sort. I don't very well know what I did with my hands, but he called me "Rat! Rat!" and bellowed out aloud. Aid was near him: Eliza and Georgiana had run for Mrs. Reed, who was gone upstairs: she now came upon the scene, followed by Bessie and her maid Abbot. We were parted: I heard the words -
"Dear! dear! What a fury to fly at Master John!"
"Did ever anybody see such a picture of passion!"
Then Mrs. Reed subjoined -
"Take her away to the red-room, and lock her in there. " Four hands were immediately laid upon me, and I was borne upstairs.
我一路反抗，在我，這還是破天荒第一次。於是大大加深了貝茜和艾博特小姐對我的惡 感。我確實有點兒難以自製，或者如法國人所說，失常了。我意識到，因為一時的反抗，會 不得不遭受古怪離奇的懲罰。於是，像其他造反的奴隸一樣，我橫下一條心，决計不顧一切 了。
“抓住她的胳膊，艾博特小姐，她像一隻發了瘋的貓。”
“真丟臉！真丟臉！”這位女主人的侍女叫道，“多可怕的舉動，愛小姐，居然打起小 少爺來了，他是你恩人的兒子：你的小主人！”
“主人，他怎麽會是我主人，難道我是僕人不成？”
“不，你連僕人都不如。你不幹事，吃白食。喂，坐下來，好好想一想你有多壞。”
這時候她們已把我拖進了裏德太太所指的房間，推操到一條矮凳上，我不由自主地像彈 簧一樣跳起來，但立刻被兩雙手按住了。
“要是你不安安穩穩坐着，我們可得綁住你了，”貝茜說，“艾博特小姐，把你的襪帶 藉給我，我那付會被她一下子綳斷的。”
艾博特小姐轉而從她粗壯的腿上，解下那條必不可少的帶子。捆綁前的準備工作以及由 此而額外蒙受的恥辱，略微消解了我的激動情緒。
“別解啦，”我叫道，“我不動就是了。”
作為保證，我讓雙手緊挨着凳子。
“記住別動，”貝茜說，知道我確實已經平靜下去，便鬆了手。隨後她和艾博特小姐抱 臂而立，沉着臉，滿腹狐疑地瞪着我，不相信我的神經還是正常似的。
“她以前從來沒有這樣過，”末了，貝茜轉身對那位艾比蓋爾說。
“不過她生性如此，”對方回答，“我經常跟太太說起我對這孩子的看法，太太也同 意。這小東西真狡猾，從來沒見過像她這樣年紀的小姑娘，有那麽多鬼心眼的。”
貝茜沒有搭腔，但不一會便對我說：
“小姐，你該明白，你受了裏德太太的恩惠，是她養着你的。要是她把你趕走，你就得 進貧民院了。”
對她們這番活，我無話可說，因為聽起來並不新鮮。我生活的最早記憶中就包含着類似 的暗示，這些責備我賴別人過活的話，己成了意義含糊的老調，叫人痛苦，讓人難受，但又 不太好懂。艾博特小姐答話了：
“你不能因為太太好心把你同裏德小姐和少爺一塊撫養大，就以為自己與他們平等了。 他們將來會有很多很多錢，而你卻一個子兒也不會有。你得學謙恭些，盡量順着他們，這纔 是你的本份。”
“我們同你說的全是為了你好，”貝茜補充道，口氣倒並不嚴厲，“你做事要巴結些， 學得乖一點，那樣也許可以把這當個傢住下去，要是你意氣用事，粗暴無禮，我敢肯定，太 太會把你攆走。”
“另外，”艾博特小姐說，“上帝會懲罰她，也許會在她耍啤氣時，把她處死，死後她 能上哪兒呢，來，貝茜，咱們走吧，隨她去。反正我是無論如何打動不了她啦。愛小姐，你 獨個兒呆着的時候，祈禱吧。要是你不懺悔，說不定有個壞傢夥會從煙囪進來，把你帶 走。”
她們走了，關了門，隨手上了鎖。
紅房子是間空餘的臥房，難得有人在裏面過夜。其實也許可以說，從來沒有。除非蓋茨 黑德府上偶而擁進一大群客人時，纔有必要動用全部房間。但府裏的臥室，數它最寬敞、最 堂皇了。—張紅木床赫然立於房間正中，粗大的床柱上，罩着深紅色錦緞帳幔，活像一個帳 篷。兩扇終日窗簾緊閉的大窗，半掩在清一色織物製成的流蘇之中。地毯是紅的，床腳邊的 桌子上鋪着深紅色的臺布，墻呈柔和的黃褐色，略帶粉紅。大櫥、梳妝臺和椅子都是烏黑發 亮的紅木做的。床上高高地疊着褥墊和枕頭，上面鋪着雪白的馬賽布床罩，在周圍深色調陳 設的映襯下，白得眩目。幾乎同樣顯眼的是床頭邊一把鋪着坐墊的大安樂椅，一樣的白色， 前面還放着一隻腳凳，在我看來，它像一個蒼白的寶座。
房子裏難得生火，所以很冷；因為遠離保育室和廚房，所以很靜；又因為誰都知道很少 有人進去，所以顯得莊嚴肅穆。衹有女傭每逢星期六上這裏來，把一周內靜悄悄落在鏡子上 和傢具上的灰塵抹去。還有裏德太太本人，隔好久纔來一次，查看大櫥裏某個秘密抽屜裏的 東西。這裏存放着各類羊皮文件，她的首飾盒，以及她已故丈夫的肖像。上面提到的最後幾 句話，給紅房子帶來了一種神秘感，一種魔力，因而它雖然富麗堂皇，卻顯得分外凄清。
裏德先生死去已經九年了，他就是在這間房子裏咽氣的，他的遺體在這裏讓人瞻仰，他 的棺材由殯葬工人從這裏擡走。從此之後，這裏便始終彌漫着一種陰森森的祭奠氛圍，所以 不常有人闖進來。
裏德先生死去已經九年了，他就是在這間房子裏咽氣的，他的遺體在這裏讓人瞻仰，他 的棺材由殯葬工人從這裏擡走。從此之後，這裏便始終彌漫着一種陰森森的祭奠氛圍，所以 不常有人闖進來。
貝茜和刻薄的艾博特小姐讓我一動不動坐着的，是一條軟墊矮凳，擺在靠近大理石壁爐 的地方。我面前是高聳的床，我右面是黑漆漆的大櫥，櫥上柔和、斑駁的反光，使鑲板的光 澤搖曳變幻。我左面是關得嚴嚴實實的窗子，兩扇窗子中間有一面大鏡子，映照出床和房間 的空曠和肅穆。我吃不準他們鎖了門沒有，等到敢於走動時，便起來看個究竟。哎呀，不 錯，比牢房鎖得還緊吶。返回原地時，我必須經過大鏡子跟前。我的目光被吸引住了，禁不 住探究起鏡中的世界來。在虛幻的映像中，一切都顯得比現實中更冷落、更陰沉。那個陌生 的小傢夥瞅着我，白白的臉上和胳膊上都蒙上了斑駁的陰影，在—切都凝滯時，唯有那雙明 亮恐懼的眼睛在閃動，看上去真像是一個幽靈。我覺得她像那種半仙半人的小精靈，恰如貝 茵在夜晚的故事中所描繪的那樣，從沼澤地帶山蕨叢生的荒𠔌中冒出來，現身於遲歸的旅行 者眼前。我回到丁我的矮凳上。
這時候我相信起迷信來了，但並沒有到了完全聽憑擺布的程度，我依然熱血沸騰，反叛 的奴隸那種苦澀情緒依然激勵着我。往事如潮、在我腦海中奔涌，如果我不加以遏製，我就 不會對陰暗的現實屈服。
約翰·裏德的專橫霸道、他姐妹的高傲冷漠、他母親的厭惡、僕人們的偏心，像一口混 沌的水井中黑色的沉澱物，一古腦兒泛起在我煩惱不安的心頭。
為什麽我總是受苦，總是遭人白眼，總是讓人告狀，永遠受到責備呢？為什麽我永遠不 能討人喜歡？為什麽我盡力博取歡心，卻依然無濟於事呢？伊麗莎自私任性，卻受到尊敬； 喬治亞娜好使性子，心腸又毒，而且強詞奪理目空一切，偏偏得到所有人的縱容。她的美 貌，她紅潤的面頰，金色的捲發，使得她人見人愛，一俊便可遮百醜。至於約翰，沒有人同 他頂撞，更不用說教訓他了，雖然他什麽壞事都幹：捻斷鴿子的頭頸，弄死小孔雀，放狗去 咬羊，采摘溫室中的葡萄，掐斷暖房上等花木的嫩芽。有時還叫他母親“老姑娘”，又因為 她皮膚黝黑像他自己而破口大駡。他蠻橫地與母親作對，經常撕毀她的絲綢服裝，而他卻依 然是“她的寶貝蛋”。而我不敢有絲毫閃失，幹什麽都全力以赴，人傢還是駡我淘氣鬼，討 厭坯，駡我陰絲絲，賊溜溜，從早上駡到下午，從下午駡到晚上。
我因為挨了打、跌了交，頭依然疼痛，依然流着血。約翰肆無忌憚地打我，卻不受責 備，而我不過為了免遭進一步無理毆打，反抗了一下，便成了衆矢之的。
“不公呵，不公！”我的理智呼喊着。在痛苦的刺激下我的理智變得早熟，化作了一種 短暫的力量。决心也同樣鼓動起來，激發我去采取某種奇怪的手段，來擺脫難以忍受的壓 迫，譬如逃跑，要是不能奏效，那就不吃不喝，活活餓死。
那個陰沉的下午，我心裏多麽惶恐不安！我的整個腦袋如一團亂麻，我的整顆心在反 抗：然而那場內心鬥爭又顯得多麽茫然，多麽無知啊！我無法回答心底那永無休止的問題— —為什麽我要如此受苦。此刻，在相隔——我不說多少年以後，我看清楚了。
我在蓋茨黑德府上格格不入。在那裏我跟誰都不像。同裏德太太、她的孩子、她看中的 傢僕，都不融洽。他們不愛我，說實在我也一樣不愛他們。他們沒有必要熱情對待一個與自 已合不來的傢夥，一個無論是個性、地位，還是嗜好都同他們涇渭分明的異己；一個既不能 為他們效勞，也不能給他們增添歡樂的廢物；一個對自己的境界心存不滿而又蔑視他們想法 的討厭傢夥。我明白，如果我是一個聰明開朗、漂亮頑皮、不好侍候的孩子，即使同樣是寄 人籬下，同樣是無親無故，裏德太太也會對我的處境更加寬容忍讓；她的孩子們也會對我親 切熱情些；傭人們也不會一再把我當作保育室的替罪羊了。
紅房子裏白晝將盡。時候已是四點過後，暗沉沉的下午正轉為凄涼的黃昏。我聽見雨點 仍不停地敲打着樓梯的窗戶，狂風在門廳後面的樹叢中怒號。我漸漸地冷得像塊石頭，勇氣 也煙消雲 散。往常那種屈辱感，那種缺乏自信、孤獨沮喪的情緒，澆滅了我將消未消的怒 火，誰都說我壞，也許我確實如此吧。我不是一心謀劃着讓自己餓死嗎？這當然是一種罪 過。而且我該不該死呢？或者，蓋茨黑德教堂聖壇底下的墓穴是個令人嚮往的歸宿嗎？聽說 裏德先生就長眠在這樣的墓穴裏。這一念頭重又勾起了我對他的回憶，而越往下細想，就越 害怕起來。我已經不記得他了，衹知道他是我舅父——我母親的哥哥——他收養了我這個襁 褓中的孤兒，而且在彌留之際，要裏德太太答應，把我當作她自己的孩子來撫養。裏德太太 也許認為自己是信守諾言的。而我想就她本性而論，也確是實踐了當初的許諾。可是她怎麽 能真心喜歡一個不屬於她傢的外姓、一個在丈夫死後同她已了卻一切幹係的人呢？她發現自 己受這勉為其難的保證的約束，充當一個自己所無法喜愛的陌生孩子的母親，眼睜睜看着一 位不相投合的外人永遠硬擠在自己的傢人中間。對她來說，這想必是件最惱人的事情了。
紅房子裏白晝將盡。時候已是四點過後，暗沉沉的下午正轉為凄涼的黃昏。我聽見雨點 仍不停地敲打着樓梯的窗戶，狂風在門廳後面的樹叢中怒號。我漸漸地冷得像塊石頭，勇氣 也煙消雲 散。往常那種屈辱感，那種缺乏自信、孤獨沮喪的情緒，澆滅了我將消未消的怒 火，誰都說我壞，也許我確實如此吧。我不是一心謀劃着讓自己餓死嗎？這當然是一種罪 過。而且我該不該死呢？或者，蓋茨黑德教堂聖壇底下的墓穴是個令人嚮往的歸宿嗎？聽說 裏德先生就長眠在這樣的墓穴裏。這一念頭重又勾起了我對他的回憶，而越往下細想，就越 害怕起來。我已經不記得他了，衹知道他是我舅父——我母親的哥哥——他收養了我這個襁 褓中的孤兒，而且在彌留之際，要裏德太太答應，把我當作她自己的孩子來撫養。裏德太太 也許認為自己是信守諾言的。而我想就她本性而論，也確是實踐了當初的許諾。可是她怎麽 能真心喜歡一個不屬於她傢的外姓、一個在丈夫死後同她已了卻一切幹係的人呢？她發現自 己受這勉為其難的保證的約束，充當一個自己所無法喜愛的陌生孩子的母親，眼睜睜看着一 位不相投合的外人永遠硬擠在自己的傢人中間。對她來說，這想必是件最惱人的事情了。
我忽然閃過一個古怪的念頭。我不懷疑—一也從來沒有懷疑過——裏德先生要是在世， 一定會待我很好。此刻，我坐着，一面打量着白白的床和影影綽綽的墻，不時還用經不住誘 惑的目光，瞟一眼泛着微光的鏡子，不由得憶起了關於死人的種種傳聞。據說由於人們違背 了他們臨終的囑托，他們在墳墓裏非常不安，於是便重訪人間，嚴懲發假誓的人，並為受壓 者報仇。我思忖，裏德先生的幽靈為外甥女的冤屈所動，會走出居所，不管那是教堂的墓 穴，還是死者無人知曉的世界，來到這間房子，站在我面前。我抹去眼淚，忍住哭泣，擔心 嚎啕大哭會驚動什麽不可知的聲音來撫慰我，或者在昏暗中召來某些帶光環的面孔，露出奇 異憐憫的神色，俯身對着我。這念頭聽起來很令人欣慰，不過要是真的做起來，想必會非常 可怕。我使勁不去想它，擡起頭來，大着膽子環顧了一下暗洞洞的房間。就在這時，墻上閃 過一道亮光。我問自己，會不會是一縷月光，透過百葉窗的縫隙照了進來？不，月光是靜止 的，而這透光卻是流動的。停晴一看，這光綫滑到了天花板上，在我頭頂上抖動起來。現在 我會很自然地聯想到，那很可能是有人提着燈籠穿過草地時射進來的光。但那會兒，我腦子 裏盡往恐怖處去想，我的神經也由於激動而非常緊張，我認為那道飛快掠過的光，是某個幽 靈從另一個世界到來的先兆。我的心怦怦亂跳，頭腦又熱又脹，耳朵裏呼呼作響，以為那是 翅膀拍擊聲，好像什麽東西已經逼近我了。我感到壓抑，感到窒息，我的忍耐力崩潰了，禁 不住發瘋似地大叫了一聲，衝嚮大門，拼命搖着門鎖。外面們廊上響起了飛跑而來的腳步 聲，鑰匙轉動了，貝茜和艾博特走進房間。
“啊！我看到了一道光，想必是鬼來了。”這時，我拉住了貝茜的手，而她並沒有抽回 去。
“她是故意亂叫亂嚷的，”艾博特厭煩地當着我的面說，“而且叫得那麽兇！要是真痛 得厲害，倒還可以原諒，可她衹不過要把我們騙到這裏來，我知道她的詭計。”
“到底是怎麽回事？”一個咄咄逼人的聲音問道。隨後，裏德太太從走廊裏走過來，帽 子飄忽着被風鼓得大大的，睡袍悉悉簌簌響個不停。“艾博特，貝茜，我想我吩咐過，讓 簡·愛呆在紅房子裏，由我親自來過問。”
“簡小姐叫得那麽響，夫人，”貝茵懇求着。
“放開她，”這是唯一的回答。“鬆開貝茵的手，孩子。你盡可放心，靠這些辦法，是 出不去的，我討厭耍花招，尤其是小孩子，我有責任讓你知道，鬼把戲不管用。現在你要在 這裏多呆一個小時，而且衹有服服貼貼，一動不動，纔放你出來。”
“啊，舅媽，可憐可憐我吧：饒恕我吧！我實在受不了啦，用別的辦法懲罰我吧！我會 憋死的，要是——”
“住嘴！這麽鬧鬧嚷嚷討厭透了。”她無疑就是這麽感覺的。在她眼裏我是個早熟的演 員，她打心底裏認為，我是個本性惡毒、靈魂卑劣、為人陰險的貨色。
貝茜和艾博特退了出去。裏德太太對我瘋也似的痛苦嚎叫很不耐煩，無意再往下談了， 驀地把我往後一推，鎖上了門。我聽見她堂而皇之地走了。她走後不久，我猜想我便一陣痙 攣，昏了過去，結束了這場吵鬧。
"Hold her arms, Miss Abbot: she's like a mad cat. "
"For shame! for shame!" cried the lady's-maid. "What shocking conduct, Miss Eyre, to strike a young gentleman, your benefactress's son! Your young master. "
"Master! How is he my master? Am I a servant?"
"No; you are less than a servant, for you do nothing for your keep. There, sit down, and think over your wickedness. "
They had got me by this time into the apartment indicated by Mrs. Reed, and had thrust me upon a stool: my impulse was to rise from it like a spring; their two pair of hands arrested me instantly.
"If you don't sit still, you must be tied down, " said Bessie. "Miss Abbot, lend me your garters; she would break mine directly. "
Miss Abbot turned to divest a stout leg of the necessary ligature. This preparation for bonds, and the additional ignominy it inferred, took a little of the excitement out of me.
"Don't take them off, " I cried; "I will not stir. "
In guarantee whereof, I attached myself to my seat by my hands.
"Mind you don't, " said Bessie; and when she had ascertained that I was really subsiding, she loosened her hold of me; then she and Miss Abbot stood with folded arms, looking darkly and doubtfully on my face, as incredulous of my sanity.
"She never did so before, " at last said Bessie, turning to the Abigail.
"But it was always in her, " was the reply. "I've told Missis often my opinion about the child, and Missis agreed with me. She's an underhand little thing: I never saw a girl of her age with so much cover. "
Bessie answered not; but ere long, addressing me, she said -- "You ought to be aware, Miss, that you are under obligations to Mrs. Reed: she keeps you: if she were to turn you off, you would have to go to the poorhouse. "
I had nothing to say to these words: they were not new to me: my very first recollections of existence included hints of the same kind. This reproach of my dependence had become a vague sing-song in my ear: very painful and crushing, but only half intelligible. Miss Abbot joined in -
"And you ought not to think yourself on an equality with the Misses Reed and Master Reed, because Missis kindly allows you to be brought up with them. They will have a great deal of money, and you will have none: it is your place to be humble, and to try to make yourself agreeable to them. "
"What we tell you is for your good, " added Bessie, in no harsh voice, "you should try to be useful and pleasant, then, perhaps, you would have a home here; but if you become passionate and rude, Missis will send you away, I am sure. "
"Besides, " said Miss Abbot, "God will punish her: He might strike her dead in the midst of her tantrums, and then where would she go? Come, Bessie, we will leave her: I wouldn't have her heart for anything. Say your prayers, Miss Eyre, when you are by yourself; for if you don't repent, something bad might be permitted to come down the chimney and fetch you away. "
They went, shutting the door, and locking it behind them.
The red-room was a square chamber, very seldom slept in, I might say never, indeed, unless when a chance influx of visitors at Gateshead Hall rendered it necessary to turn to account all the accommodation it contained: yet it was one of the largest and stateliest chambers in the mansion. A bed supported on massive pillars of mahogany, hung with curtains of deep red damask, stood out like a tabernacle in the centre; the two large windows, with their blinds always drawn down, were half shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery; the carpet was red; the table at the foot of the bed was covered with a crimson cloth; the walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush of pink in it; the wardrobe, the toilet-table, the chairs were of darkly polished old mahogany. Out of these deep surrounding shades rose high, and glared white, the piled-up mattresses and pillows of the bed, spread with a snowy Marseilles counterpane. Scarcely less prominent was an ample cushioned easy-chair near the head of the bed, also white, with a footstool before it; and looking, as I thought, like a pale throne.
This room was chill, because it seldom had a fire; it was silent, because remote from the nursery and kitchen; solemn, because it was known to be so seldom entered. The house-maid alone came here on Saturdays, to wipe from the mirrors and the furniture a week's quiet dust: and Mrs. Reed herself, at far intervals, visited it to review the contents of a certain secret drawer in the wardrobe, where were stored divers parchments, her jewel-casket, and a miniature of her deceased husband; and in those last words lies the secret of the red-room -- the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its grandeur.
Mr. Reed had been dead nine years: it was in this chamber he breathed his last; here he lay in state; hence his coffin was borne by the undertaker's men; and, since that day, a sense of dreary consecration had guarded it from frequent intrusion.
My seat, to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me riveted, was a low ottoman near the marble chimney-piece; the bed rose before me; to my right hand there was the high, dark wardrobe, with subdued, broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels; to my left were the muffled windows; a great looking-glass between them repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room. I was not quite sure whether they had locked the door; and when I dared move, I got up and went to see. Alas! yes: no jail was ever more secure. Returning, I had to cross before the looking-glass; my fascinated glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed. All looked colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality: and the strange little figure there gazing at me, with a white face and arms specking the gloom, and glittering eyes of fear moving where all else was still, had the effect of a real spirit: I thought it like one of the tiny phantoms, half fairy, half imp, Bessie's evening stories represented as coming out of lone, ferny dells in moors, and appearing before the eyes of belated travellers. I returned to my stool.
Superstition was with me at that moment; but it was not yet her hour for complete victory: my blood was still warm; the mood of the revolted slave was still bracing me with its bitter vigour; I had to stem a rapid rush of retrospective thought before I quailed to the dismal present.
All John Reed's violent tyrannies, all his sisters' proud indifference, all his mother's aversion, all the servants' partiality, turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well. Why was I always suffering, always browbeaten, always accused, for ever condemned? Why could I never please? Why was it useless to try to win any one's favour? Eliza, who was headstrong and selfish, was respected. Georgiana, who had a spoiled temper, a very acrid spite, a captious and insolent carriage, was universally indulged. Her beauty, her pink cheeks and golden curls, seemed to give delight to all who looked at her, and to purchase indemnity for every fault. John no one thwarted, much less punished; though he twisted the necks of the pigeons, killed the little pea-chicks, set the dogs at the sheep, stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit, and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory: he called his mother "old girl, " too; sometimes reviled her for her dark skin, similar to his own; bluntly disregarded her wishes; not unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire; and he was still "her own darling. " I dared commit no fault: I strove to fulfil every duty; and I was termed naughty and tiresome, sullen and sneaking, from morning to noon, and from noon to night.
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received: no one had reproved John for wantonly striking me; and because I had turned against him to avert farther irrational violence, I was loaded with general opprobrium.
"Unjust! -- unjust!" said my reason, forced by the agonising stimulus into precocious though transitory power: and Resolve, equally wrought up, instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable oppression -- as running away, or, if that could not be effected, never eating or drinking more, and letting myself die.
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon! How all my brain was in tumult, and all my heart in insurrection! Yet in what darkness, what dense ignorance, was the mental battle fought! I could not answer the ceaseless inward question -- WHY I thus suffered; now, at the distance of -- I will not say how many years, I see it clearly.
I was a discord in Gateshead Hall: I was like nobody there; I had nothing in harmony with Mrs. Reed or her children, or her chosen vassalage. If they did not love me, in fact, as little did I love them. They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one amongst them; a heterogeneous thing, opposed to them in temperament, in capacity, in propensities; a useless thing, incapable of serving their interest, or adding to their pleasure; a noxious thing, cherishing the germs of indignation at their treatment, of contempt of their judgment. I know that had I been a sanguine, brilliant, careless, exacting, handsome, romping child -- though equally dependent and friendless -- Mrs. Reed would have endured my presence more complacently; her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow-feeling; the servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery.
Daylight began to forsake the red-room; it was past four o'clock, and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight. I heard the rain still beating continuously on the staircase window, and the wind howling in the grove behind the hall; I grew by degrees cold as a stone, and then my courage sank. My habitual mood of humiliation, self-doubt, forlorn depression, fell damp on the embers of my decaying ire. All said I was wicked, and perhaps I might be so; what thought had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to death? That certainly was a crime: and was I fit to die? Or was the vault under the chancel of Gateshead Church an inviting bourne? In such vault I had been told did Mr. Reed lie buried; and led by this thought to recall his idea, I dwelt on it with gathering dread. I could not remember him; but I knew that he was my own uncle -- my mother's brother -- that he had taken me when a parentless infant to his house; and that in his last moments he had required a promise of Mrs. Reed that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children. Mrs. Reed probably considered she had kept this promise; and so she had, I dare say, as well as her nature would permit her; but how could she really like an interloper not of her race, and unconnected with her, after her husband's death, by any tie? It must have been most irksome to find herself bound by a hard-wrung pledge to stand in the stead of a parent to a strange child she could not love, and to see an uncongenial alien permanently intruded on her own family group.
A singular notion dawned upon me. I doubted not -- never doubted -- that if Mr. Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly; and now, as I sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls -- occasionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly gleaning mirror -- I began to recall what I had heard of dead men, troubled in their graves by the violation of their last wishes, revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the oppressed; and I thought Mr. Reed's spirit, harassed by the wrongs of his sister's child, might quit its abode -- whether in the church vault or in the unknown world of the departed -- and rise before me in this chamber. I wiped my tears and hushed my sobs, fearful lest any sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural voice to comfort me, or elicit from the gloom some haloed face, bending over me with strange pity. This idea, consolatory in theory, I felt would be terrible if realised: with all my might I endeavoured to stifle it -- I endeavoured to be firm. Shaking my hair from my eyes, I lifted my head and tried to look boldly round the dark room; at this moment a light gleamed on the wall. Was it, I asked myself, a ray from the moon penetrating some aperture in the blind? No; moonlight was still, and this stirred; while I gazed, it glided up to the ceiling and quivered over my head. I can now conjecture readily that this streak of light was, in all likelihood, a gleam from a lantern carried by some one across the lawn: but then, prepared as my mind was for horror, shaken as my nerves were by agitation, I thought the swift darting beam was a herald of some coming vision from another world. My heart beat thick, my head grew hot; a sound filled my ears, which I deemed the rushing of wings; something seemed near me; I was oppressed, suffocated: endurance broke down; I rushed to the door and shook the lock in desperate effort. Steps came running along the outer passage; the key turned, Bessie and Abbot entered.
"Miss Eyre, are you ill?" said Bessie.
"What a dreadful noise! it went quite through me!" exclaimed Abbot.
"Take me out! Let me go into the nursery!" was my cry.
"What for? Are you hurt? Have you seen something?" again demanded Bessie.
"Oh! I saw a light, and I thought a ghost would come. " I had now got hold of Bessie's hand, and she did not snatch it from me.
"She has screamed out on purpose, " declared Abbot, in some disgust. "And what a scream! If she had been in great pain one would have excused it, but she only wanted to bring us all here: I know her naughty tricks. "
"What is all this?" demanded another voice peremptorily; and Mrs. Reed came along the corridor, her cap flying wide, her gown rustling stormily. "Abbot and Bessie, I believe I gave orders that Jane Eyre should be left in the red-room till I came to her myself. "
"Miss Jane screamed so loud, ma'am, " pleaded Bessie.
"Let her go, " was the only answer. "Loose Bessie's hand, child: you cannot succeed in getting out by these means, be assured. I abhor artifice, particularly in children; it is my duty to show you that tricks will not answer: you will now stay here an hour longer, and it is only on condition of perfect submission and stillness that I shall liberate you then. "
"O aunt! have pity! Forgive me! I cannot endure it -- let me be punished some other way! I shall be killed if -- "
"Silence! This violence is all most repulsive:" and so, no doubt, she felt it. I was a precocious actress in her eyes; she sincerely looked on me as a compound of virulent passions, mean spirit, and dangerous duplicity.
Bessie and Abbot having retreated, Mrs. Reed, impatient of my now frantic anguish and wild sobs, abruptly thrust me back and locked me in, without farther parley. I heard her sweeping away; and soon after she was gone, I suppose I had a species of fit: unconsciousness closed the scene.
“抓住她的胳膊，艾博特小姐，她像一隻發了瘋的貓。”
“真丟臉！真丟臉！”這位女主人的侍女叫道，“多可怕的舉動，愛小姐，居然打起小 少爺來了，他是你恩人的兒子：你的小主人！”
“主人，他怎麽會是我主人，難道我是僕人不成？”
“不，你連僕人都不如。你不幹事，吃白食。喂，坐下來，好好想一想你有多壞。”
這時候她們已把我拖進了裏德太太所指的房間，推操到一條矮凳上，我不由自主地像彈 簧一樣跳起來，但立刻被兩雙手按住了。
“要是你不安安穩穩坐着，我們可得綁住你了，”貝茜說，“艾博特小姐，把你的襪帶 藉給我，我那付會被她一下子綳斷的。”
艾博特小姐轉而從她粗壯的腿上，解下那條必不可少的帶子。捆綁前的準備工作以及由 此而額外蒙受的恥辱，略微消解了我的激動情緒。
“別解啦，”我叫道，“我不動就是了。”
作為保證，我讓雙手緊挨着凳子。
“記住別動，”貝茜說，知道我確實已經平靜下去，便鬆了手。隨後她和艾博特小姐抱 臂而立，沉着臉，滿腹狐疑地瞪着我，不相信我的神經還是正常似的。
“她以前從來沒有這樣過，”末了，貝茜轉身對那位艾比蓋爾說。
“不過她生性如此，”對方回答，“我經常跟太太說起我對這孩子的看法，太太也同 意。這小東西真狡猾，從來沒見過像她這樣年紀的小姑娘，有那麽多鬼心眼的。”
貝茜沒有搭腔，但不一會便對我說：
“小姐，你該明白，你受了裏德太太的恩惠，是她養着你的。要是她把你趕走，你就得 進貧民院了。”
對她們這番活，我無話可說，因為聽起來並不新鮮。我生活的最早記憶中就包含着類似 的暗示，這些責備我賴別人過活的話，己成了意義含糊的老調，叫人痛苦，讓人難受，但又 不太好懂。艾博特小姐答話了：
“你不能因為太太好心把你同裏德小姐和少爺一塊撫養大，就以為自己與他們平等了。 他們將來會有很多很多錢，而你卻一個子兒也不會有。你得學謙恭些，盡量順着他們，這纔 是你的本份。”
“我們同你說的全是為了你好，”貝茜補充道，口氣倒並不嚴厲，“你做事要巴結些， 學得乖一點，那樣也許可以把這當個傢住下去，要是你意氣用事，粗暴無禮，我敢肯定，太 太會把你攆走。”
“另外，”艾博特小姐說，“上帝會懲罰她，也許會在她耍啤氣時，把她處死，死後她 能上哪兒呢，來，貝茜，咱們走吧，隨她去。反正我是無論如何打動不了她啦。愛小姐，你 獨個兒呆着的時候，祈禱吧。要是你不懺悔，說不定有個壞傢夥會從煙囪進來，把你帶 走。”
她們走了，關了門，隨手上了鎖。
紅房子是間空餘的臥房，難得有人在裏面過夜。其實也許可以說，從來沒有。除非蓋茨 黑德府上偶而擁進一大群客人時，纔有必要動用全部房間。但府裏的臥室，數它最寬敞、最 堂皇了。—張紅木床赫然立於房間正中，粗大的床柱上，罩着深紅色錦緞帳幔，活像一個帳 篷。兩扇終日窗簾緊閉的大窗，半掩在清一色織物製成的流蘇之中。地毯是紅的，床腳邊的 桌子上鋪着深紅色的臺布，墻呈柔和的黃褐色，略帶粉紅。大櫥、梳妝臺和椅子都是烏黑發 亮的紅木做的。床上高高地疊着褥墊和枕頭，上面鋪着雪白的馬賽布床罩，在周圍深色調陳 設的映襯下，白得眩目。幾乎同樣顯眼的是床頭邊一把鋪着坐墊的大安樂椅，一樣的白色， 前面還放着一隻腳凳，在我看來，它像一個蒼白的寶座。
房子裏難得生火，所以很冷；因為遠離保育室和廚房，所以很靜；又因為誰都知道很少 有人進去，所以顯得莊嚴肅穆。衹有女傭每逢星期六上這裏來，把一周內靜悄悄落在鏡子上 和傢具上的灰塵抹去。還有裏德太太本人，隔好久纔來一次，查看大櫥裏某個秘密抽屜裏的 東西。這裏存放着各類羊皮文件，她的首飾盒，以及她已故丈夫的肖像。上面提到的最後幾 句話，給紅房子帶來了一種神秘感，一種魔力，因而它雖然富麗堂皇，卻顯得分外凄清。
裏德先生死去已經九年了，他就是在這間房子裏咽氣的，他的遺體在這裏讓人瞻仰，他 的棺材由殯葬工人從這裏擡走。從此之後，這裏便始終彌漫着一種陰森森的祭奠氛圍，所以 不常有人闖進來。
裏德先生死去已經九年了，他就是在這間房子裏咽氣的，他的遺體在這裏讓人瞻仰，他 的棺材由殯葬工人從這裏擡走。從此之後，這裏便始終彌漫着一種陰森森的祭奠氛圍，所以 不常有人闖進來。
貝茜和刻薄的艾博特小姐讓我一動不動坐着的，是一條軟墊矮凳，擺在靠近大理石壁爐 的地方。我面前是高聳的床，我右面是黑漆漆的大櫥，櫥上柔和、斑駁的反光，使鑲板的光 澤搖曳變幻。我左面是關得嚴嚴實實的窗子，兩扇窗子中間有一面大鏡子，映照出床和房間 的空曠和肅穆。我吃不準他們鎖了門沒有，等到敢於走動時，便起來看個究竟。哎呀，不 錯，比牢房鎖得還緊吶。返回原地時，我必須經過大鏡子跟前。我的目光被吸引住了，禁不 住探究起鏡中的世界來。在虛幻的映像中，一切都顯得比現實中更冷落、更陰沉。那個陌生 的小傢夥瞅着我，白白的臉上和胳膊上都蒙上了斑駁的陰影，在—切都凝滯時，唯有那雙明 亮恐懼的眼睛在閃動，看上去真像是一個幽靈。我覺得她像那種半仙半人的小精靈，恰如貝 茵在夜晚的故事中所描繪的那樣，從沼澤地帶山蕨叢生的荒𠔌中冒出來，現身於遲歸的旅行 者眼前。我回到丁我的矮凳上。
這時候我相信起迷信來了，但並沒有到了完全聽憑擺布的程度，我依然熱血沸騰，反叛 的奴隸那種苦澀情緒依然激勵着我。往事如潮、在我腦海中奔涌，如果我不加以遏製，我就 不會對陰暗的現實屈服。
約翰·裏德的專橫霸道、他姐妹的高傲冷漠、他母親的厭惡、僕人們的偏心，像一口混 沌的水井中黑色的沉澱物，一古腦兒泛起在我煩惱不安的心頭。
為什麽我總是受苦，總是遭人白眼，總是讓人告狀，永遠受到責備呢？為什麽我永遠不 能討人喜歡？為什麽我盡力博取歡心，卻依然無濟於事呢？伊麗莎自私任性，卻受到尊敬； 喬治亞娜好使性子，心腸又毒，而且強詞奪理目空一切，偏偏得到所有人的縱容。她的美 貌，她紅潤的面頰，金色的捲發，使得她人見人愛，一俊便可遮百醜。至於約翰，沒有人同 他頂撞，更不用說教訓他了，雖然他什麽壞事都幹：捻斷鴿子的頭頸，弄死小孔雀，放狗去 咬羊，采摘溫室中的葡萄，掐斷暖房上等花木的嫩芽。有時還叫他母親“老姑娘”，又因為 她皮膚黝黑像他自己而破口大駡。他蠻橫地與母親作對，經常撕毀她的絲綢服裝，而他卻依 然是“她的寶貝蛋”。而我不敢有絲毫閃失，幹什麽都全力以赴，人傢還是駡我淘氣鬼，討 厭坯，駡我陰絲絲，賊溜溜，從早上駡到下午，從下午駡到晚上。
我因為挨了打、跌了交，頭依然疼痛，依然流着血。約翰肆無忌憚地打我，卻不受責 備，而我不過為了免遭進一步無理毆打，反抗了一下，便成了衆矢之的。
“不公呵，不公！”我的理智呼喊着。在痛苦的刺激下我的理智變得早熟，化作了一種 短暫的力量。决心也同樣鼓動起來，激發我去采取某種奇怪的手段，來擺脫難以忍受的壓 迫，譬如逃跑，要是不能奏效，那就不吃不喝，活活餓死。
那個陰沉的下午，我心裏多麽惶恐不安！我的整個腦袋如一團亂麻，我的整顆心在反 抗：然而那場內心鬥爭又顯得多麽茫然，多麽無知啊！我無法回答心底那永無休止的問題— —為什麽我要如此受苦。此刻，在相隔——我不說多少年以後，我看清楚了。
我在蓋茨黑德府上格格不入。在那裏我跟誰都不像。同裏德太太、她的孩子、她看中的 傢僕，都不融洽。他們不愛我，說實在我也一樣不愛他們。他們沒有必要熱情對待一個與自 已合不來的傢夥，一個無論是個性、地位，還是嗜好都同他們涇渭分明的異己；一個既不能 為他們效勞，也不能給他們增添歡樂的廢物；一個對自己的境界心存不滿而又蔑視他們想法 的討厭傢夥。我明白，如果我是一個聰明開朗、漂亮頑皮、不好侍候的孩子，即使同樣是寄 人籬下，同樣是無親無故，裏德太太也會對我的處境更加寬容忍讓；她的孩子們也會對我親 切熱情些；傭人們也不會一再把我當作保育室的替罪羊了。
紅房子裏白晝將盡。時候已是四點過後，暗沉沉的下午正轉為凄涼的黃昏。我聽見雨點 仍不停地敲打着樓梯的窗戶，狂風在門廳後面的樹叢中怒號。我漸漸地冷得像塊石頭，勇氣 也煙消雲 散。往常那種屈辱感，那種缺乏自信、孤獨沮喪的情緒，澆滅了我將消未消的怒 火，誰都說我壞，也許我確實如此吧。我不是一心謀劃着讓自己餓死嗎？這當然是一種罪 過。而且我該不該死呢？或者，蓋茨黑德教堂聖壇底下的墓穴是個令人嚮往的歸宿嗎？聽說 裏德先生就長眠在這樣的墓穴裏。這一念頭重又勾起了我對他的回憶，而越往下細想，就越 害怕起來。我已經不記得他了，衹知道他是我舅父——我母親的哥哥——他收養了我這個襁 褓中的孤兒，而且在彌留之際，要裏德太太答應，把我當作她自己的孩子來撫養。裏德太太 也許認為自己是信守諾言的。而我想就她本性而論，也確是實踐了當初的許諾。可是她怎麽 能真心喜歡一個不屬於她傢的外姓、一個在丈夫死後同她已了卻一切幹係的人呢？她發現自 己受這勉為其難的保證的約束，充當一個自己所無法喜愛的陌生孩子的母親，眼睜睜看着一 位不相投合的外人永遠硬擠在自己的傢人中間。對她來說，這想必是件最惱人的事情了。
紅房子裏白晝將盡。時候已是四點過後，暗沉沉的下午正轉為凄涼的黃昏。我聽見雨點 仍不停地敲打着樓梯的窗戶，狂風在門廳後面的樹叢中怒號。我漸漸地冷得像塊石頭，勇氣 也煙消雲 散。往常那種屈辱感，那種缺乏自信、孤獨沮喪的情緒，澆滅了我將消未消的怒 火，誰都說我壞，也許我確實如此吧。我不是一心謀劃着讓自己餓死嗎？這當然是一種罪 過。而且我該不該死呢？或者，蓋茨黑德教堂聖壇底下的墓穴是個令人嚮往的歸宿嗎？聽說 裏德先生就長眠在這樣的墓穴裏。這一念頭重又勾起了我對他的回憶，而越往下細想，就越 害怕起來。我已經不記得他了，衹知道他是我舅父——我母親的哥哥——他收養了我這個襁 褓中的孤兒，而且在彌留之際，要裏德太太答應，把我當作她自己的孩子來撫養。裏德太太 也許認為自己是信守諾言的。而我想就她本性而論，也確是實踐了當初的許諾。可是她怎麽 能真心喜歡一個不屬於她傢的外姓、一個在丈夫死後同她已了卻一切幹係的人呢？她發現自 己受這勉為其難的保證的約束，充當一個自己所無法喜愛的陌生孩子的母親，眼睜睜看着一 位不相投合的外人永遠硬擠在自己的傢人中間。對她來說，這想必是件最惱人的事情了。
我忽然閃過一個古怪的念頭。我不懷疑—一也從來沒有懷疑過——裏德先生要是在世， 一定會待我很好。此刻，我坐着，一面打量着白白的床和影影綽綽的墻，不時還用經不住誘 惑的目光，瞟一眼泛着微光的鏡子，不由得憶起了關於死人的種種傳聞。據說由於人們違背 了他們臨終的囑托，他們在墳墓裏非常不安，於是便重訪人間，嚴懲發假誓的人，並為受壓 者報仇。我思忖，裏德先生的幽靈為外甥女的冤屈所動，會走出居所，不管那是教堂的墓 穴，還是死者無人知曉的世界，來到這間房子，站在我面前。我抹去眼淚，忍住哭泣，擔心 嚎啕大哭會驚動什麽不可知的聲音來撫慰我，或者在昏暗中召來某些帶光環的面孔，露出奇 異憐憫的神色，俯身對着我。這念頭聽起來很令人欣慰，不過要是真的做起來，想必會非常 可怕。我使勁不去想它，擡起頭來，大着膽子環顧了一下暗洞洞的房間。就在這時，墻上閃 過一道亮光。我問自己，會不會是一縷月光，透過百葉窗的縫隙照了進來？不，月光是靜止 的，而這透光卻是流動的。停晴一看，這光綫滑到了天花板上，在我頭頂上抖動起來。現在 我會很自然地聯想到，那很可能是有人提着燈籠穿過草地時射進來的光。但那會兒，我腦子 裏盡往恐怖處去想，我的神經也由於激動而非常緊張，我認為那道飛快掠過的光，是某個幽 靈從另一個世界到來的先兆。我的心怦怦亂跳，頭腦又熱又脹，耳朵裏呼呼作響，以為那是 翅膀拍擊聲，好像什麽東西已經逼近我了。我感到壓抑，感到窒息，我的忍耐力崩潰了，禁 不住發瘋似地大叫了一聲，衝嚮大門，拼命搖着門鎖。外面們廊上響起了飛跑而來的腳步 聲，鑰匙轉動了，貝茜和艾博特走進房間。
“啊！我看到了一道光，想必是鬼來了。”這時，我拉住了貝茜的手，而她並沒有抽回 去。
“她是故意亂叫亂嚷的，”艾博特厭煩地當着我的面說，“而且叫得那麽兇！要是真痛 得厲害，倒還可以原諒，可她衹不過要把我們騙到這裏來，我知道她的詭計。”
“到底是怎麽回事？”一個咄咄逼人的聲音問道。隨後，裏德太太從走廊裏走過來，帽 子飄忽着被風鼓得大大的，睡袍悉悉簌簌響個不停。“艾博特，貝茜，我想我吩咐過，讓 簡·愛呆在紅房子裏，由我親自來過問。”
“簡小姐叫得那麽響，夫人，”貝茵懇求着。
“放開她，”這是唯一的回答。“鬆開貝茵的手，孩子。你盡可放心，靠這些辦法，是 出不去的，我討厭耍花招，尤其是小孩子，我有責任讓你知道，鬼把戲不管用。現在你要在 這裏多呆一個小時，而且衹有服服貼貼，一動不動，纔放你出來。”
“啊，舅媽，可憐可憐我吧：饒恕我吧！我實在受不了啦，用別的辦法懲罰我吧！我會 憋死的，要是——”
“住嘴！這麽鬧鬧嚷嚷討厭透了。”她無疑就是這麽感覺的。在她眼裏我是個早熟的演 員，她打心底裏認為，我是個本性惡毒、靈魂卑劣、為人陰險的貨色。
貝茜和艾博特退了出去。裏德太太對我瘋也似的痛苦嚎叫很不耐煩，無意再往下談了， 驀地把我往後一推，鎖上了門。我聽見她堂而皇之地走了。她走後不久，我猜想我便一陣痙 攣，昏了過去，結束了這場吵鬧。
"Hold her arms, Miss Abbot: she's like a mad cat. "
"For shame! for shame!" cried the lady's-maid. "What shocking conduct, Miss Eyre, to strike a young gentleman, your benefactress's son! Your young master. "
"Master! How is he my master? Am I a servant?"
"No; you are less than a servant, for you do nothing for your keep. There, sit down, and think over your wickedness. "
They had got me by this time into the apartment indicated by Mrs. Reed, and had thrust me upon a stool: my impulse was to rise from it like a spring; their two pair of hands arrested me instantly.
"If you don't sit still, you must be tied down, " said Bessie. "Miss Abbot, lend me your garters; she would break mine directly. "
Miss Abbot turned to divest a stout leg of the necessary ligature. This preparation for bonds, and the additional ignominy it inferred, took a little of the excitement out of me.
"Don't take them off, " I cried; "I will not stir. "
In guarantee whereof, I attached myself to my seat by my hands.
"Mind you don't, " said Bessie; and when she had ascertained that I was really subsiding, she loosened her hold of me; then she and Miss Abbot stood with folded arms, looking darkly and doubtfully on my face, as incredulous of my sanity.
"She never did so before, " at last said Bessie, turning to the Abigail.
"But it was always in her, " was the reply. "I've told Missis often my opinion about the child, and Missis agreed with me. She's an underhand little thing: I never saw a girl of her age with so much cover. "
Bessie answered not; but ere long, addressing me, she said -- "You ought to be aware, Miss, that you are under obligations to Mrs. Reed: she keeps you: if she were to turn you off, you would have to go to the poorhouse. "
I had nothing to say to these words: they were not new to me: my very first recollections of existence included hints of the same kind. This reproach of my dependence had become a vague sing-song in my ear: very painful and crushing, but only half intelligible. Miss Abbot joined in -
"And you ought not to think yourself on an equality with the Misses Reed and Master Reed, because Missis kindly allows you to be brought up with them. They will have a great deal of money, and you will have none: it is your place to be humble, and to try to make yourself agreeable to them. "
"What we tell you is for your good, " added Bessie, in no harsh voice, "you should try to be useful and pleasant, then, perhaps, you would have a home here; but if you become passionate and rude, Missis will send you away, I am sure. "
"Besides, " said Miss Abbot, "God will punish her: He might strike her dead in the midst of her tantrums, and then where would she go? Come, Bessie, we will leave her: I wouldn't have her heart for anything. Say your prayers, Miss Eyre, when you are by yourself; for if you don't repent, something bad might be permitted to come down the chimney and fetch you away. "
They went, shutting the door, and locking it behind them.
The red-room was a square chamber, very seldom slept in, I might say never, indeed, unless when a chance influx of visitors at Gateshead Hall rendered it necessary to turn to account all the accommodation it contained: yet it was one of the largest and stateliest chambers in the mansion. A bed supported on massive pillars of mahogany, hung with curtains of deep red damask, stood out like a tabernacle in the centre; the two large windows, with their blinds always drawn down, were half shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery; the carpet was red; the table at the foot of the bed was covered with a crimson cloth; the walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush of pink in it; the wardrobe, the toilet-table, the chairs were of darkly polished old mahogany. Out of these deep surrounding shades rose high, and glared white, the piled-up mattresses and pillows of the bed, spread with a snowy Marseilles counterpane. Scarcely less prominent was an ample cushioned easy-chair near the head of the bed, also white, with a footstool before it; and looking, as I thought, like a pale throne.
This room was chill, because it seldom had a fire; it was silent, because remote from the nursery and kitchen; solemn, because it was known to be so seldom entered. The house-maid alone came here on Saturdays, to wipe from the mirrors and the furniture a week's quiet dust: and Mrs. Reed herself, at far intervals, visited it to review the contents of a certain secret drawer in the wardrobe, where were stored divers parchments, her jewel-casket, and a miniature of her deceased husband; and in those last words lies the secret of the red-room -- the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its grandeur.
Mr. Reed had been dead nine years: it was in this chamber he breathed his last; here he lay in state; hence his coffin was borne by the undertaker's men; and, since that day, a sense of dreary consecration had guarded it from frequent intrusion.
My seat, to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me riveted, was a low ottoman near the marble chimney-piece; the bed rose before me; to my right hand there was the high, dark wardrobe, with subdued, broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels; to my left were the muffled windows; a great looking-glass between them repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room. I was not quite sure whether they had locked the door; and when I dared move, I got up and went to see. Alas! yes: no jail was ever more secure. Returning, I had to cross before the looking-glass; my fascinated glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed. All looked colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality: and the strange little figure there gazing at me, with a white face and arms specking the gloom, and glittering eyes of fear moving where all else was still, had the effect of a real spirit: I thought it like one of the tiny phantoms, half fairy, half imp, Bessie's evening stories represented as coming out of lone, ferny dells in moors, and appearing before the eyes of belated travellers. I returned to my stool.
Superstition was with me at that moment; but it was not yet her hour for complete victory: my blood was still warm; the mood of the revolted slave was still bracing me with its bitter vigour; I had to stem a rapid rush of retrospective thought before I quailed to the dismal present.
All John Reed's violent tyrannies, all his sisters' proud indifference, all his mother's aversion, all the servants' partiality, turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well. Why was I always suffering, always browbeaten, always accused, for ever condemned? Why could I never please? Why was it useless to try to win any one's favour? Eliza, who was headstrong and selfish, was respected. Georgiana, who had a spoiled temper, a very acrid spite, a captious and insolent carriage, was universally indulged. Her beauty, her pink cheeks and golden curls, seemed to give delight to all who looked at her, and to purchase indemnity for every fault. John no one thwarted, much less punished; though he twisted the necks of the pigeons, killed the little pea-chicks, set the dogs at the sheep, stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit, and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory: he called his mother "old girl, " too; sometimes reviled her for her dark skin, similar to his own; bluntly disregarded her wishes; not unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire; and he was still "her own darling. " I dared commit no fault: I strove to fulfil every duty; and I was termed naughty and tiresome, sullen and sneaking, from morning to noon, and from noon to night.
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received: no one had reproved John for wantonly striking me; and because I had turned against him to avert farther irrational violence, I was loaded with general opprobrium.
"Unjust! -- unjust!" said my reason, forced by the agonising stimulus into precocious though transitory power: and Resolve, equally wrought up, instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable oppression -- as running away, or, if that could not be effected, never eating or drinking more, and letting myself die.
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon! How all my brain was in tumult, and all my heart in insurrection! Yet in what darkness, what dense ignorance, was the mental battle fought! I could not answer the ceaseless inward question -- WHY I thus suffered; now, at the distance of -- I will not say how many years, I see it clearly.
I was a discord in Gateshead Hall: I was like nobody there; I had nothing in harmony with Mrs. Reed or her children, or her chosen vassalage. If they did not love me, in fact, as little did I love them. They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one amongst them; a heterogeneous thing, opposed to them in temperament, in capacity, in propensities; a useless thing, incapable of serving their interest, or adding to their pleasure; a noxious thing, cherishing the germs of indignation at their treatment, of contempt of their judgment. I know that had I been a sanguine, brilliant, careless, exacting, handsome, romping child -- though equally dependent and friendless -- Mrs. Reed would have endured my presence more complacently; her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow-feeling; the servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery.
Daylight began to forsake the red-room; it was past four o'clock, and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight. I heard the rain still beating continuously on the staircase window, and the wind howling in the grove behind the hall; I grew by degrees cold as a stone, and then my courage sank. My habitual mood of humiliation, self-doubt, forlorn depression, fell damp on the embers of my decaying ire. All said I was wicked, and perhaps I might be so; what thought had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to death? That certainly was a crime: and was I fit to die? Or was the vault under the chancel of Gateshead Church an inviting bourne? In such vault I had been told did Mr. Reed lie buried; and led by this thought to recall his idea, I dwelt on it with gathering dread. I could not remember him; but I knew that he was my own uncle -- my mother's brother -- that he had taken me when a parentless infant to his house; and that in his last moments he had required a promise of Mrs. Reed that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children. Mrs. Reed probably considered she had kept this promise; and so she had, I dare say, as well as her nature would permit her; but how could she really like an interloper not of her race, and unconnected with her, after her husband's death, by any tie? It must have been most irksome to find herself bound by a hard-wrung pledge to stand in the stead of a parent to a strange child she could not love, and to see an uncongenial alien permanently intruded on her own family group.
A singular notion dawned upon me. I doubted not -- never doubted -- that if Mr. Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly; and now, as I sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls -- occasionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly gleaning mirror -- I began to recall what I had heard of dead men, troubled in their graves by the violation of their last wishes, revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the oppressed; and I thought Mr. Reed's spirit, harassed by the wrongs of his sister's child, might quit its abode -- whether in the church vault or in the unknown world of the departed -- and rise before me in this chamber. I wiped my tears and hushed my sobs, fearful lest any sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural voice to comfort me, or elicit from the gloom some haloed face, bending over me with strange pity. This idea, consolatory in theory, I felt would be terrible if realised: with all my might I endeavoured to stifle it -- I endeavoured to be firm. Shaking my hair from my eyes, I lifted my head and tried to look boldly round the dark room; at this moment a light gleamed on the wall. Was it, I asked myself, a ray from the moon penetrating some aperture in the blind? No; moonlight was still, and this stirred; while I gazed, it glided up to the ceiling and quivered over my head. I can now conjecture readily that this streak of light was, in all likelihood, a gleam from a lantern carried by some one across the lawn: but then, prepared as my mind was for horror, shaken as my nerves were by agitation, I thought the swift darting beam was a herald of some coming vision from another world. My heart beat thick, my head grew hot; a sound filled my ears, which I deemed the rushing of wings; something seemed near me; I was oppressed, suffocated: endurance broke down; I rushed to the door and shook the lock in desperate effort. Steps came running along the outer passage; the key turned, Bessie and Abbot entered.
"Miss Eyre, are you ill?" said Bessie.
"What a dreadful noise! it went quite through me!" exclaimed Abbot.
"Take me out! Let me go into the nursery!" was my cry.
"What for? Are you hurt? Have you seen something?" again demanded Bessie.
"Oh! I saw a light, and I thought a ghost would come. " I had now got hold of Bessie's hand, and she did not snatch it from me.
"She has screamed out on purpose, " declared Abbot, in some disgust. "And what a scream! If she had been in great pain one would have excused it, but she only wanted to bring us all here: I know her naughty tricks. "
"What is all this?" demanded another voice peremptorily; and Mrs. Reed came along the corridor, her cap flying wide, her gown rustling stormily. "Abbot and Bessie, I believe I gave orders that Jane Eyre should be left in the red-room till I came to her myself. "
"Miss Jane screamed so loud, ma'am, " pleaded Bessie.
"Let her go, " was the only answer. "Loose Bessie's hand, child: you cannot succeed in getting out by these means, be assured. I abhor artifice, particularly in children; it is my duty to show you that tricks will not answer: you will now stay here an hour longer, and it is only on condition of perfect submission and stillness that I shall liberate you then. "
"O aunt! have pity! Forgive me! I cannot endure it -- let me be punished some other way! I shall be killed if -- "
"Silence! This violence is all most repulsive:" and so, no doubt, she felt it. I was a precocious actress in her eyes; she sincerely looked on me as a compound of virulent passions, mean spirit, and dangerous duplicity.
Bessie and Abbot having retreated, Mrs. Reed, impatient of my now frantic anguish and wild sobs, abruptly thrust me back and locked me in, without farther parley. I heard her sweeping away; and soon after she was gone, I suppose I had a species of fit: unconsciousness closed the scene.