qī yuè chū， tiān qì tè bié rè de shí hòu ①， bàng wǎn shí fēn， yòu gè nián qīng rén zǒu chū tā zài C hú tóng xiàng 'èr fáng dōng zū lái de nà jiān dǒu shì， lái dào jiē shàng， rán hòu màn téng téng dì， fǎng fó yóu yù bù jué dì wǎng K qiáo nà biān zǒu qù。
tā shùn lì dì bì kāi liǎo zài lóu tī shàng yǔ zì jǐ de nǚ fáng dōng xiāng yù。 tā nà jiān dǒu shì shì yīzhuàng gāo gāo de wǔ céng lóu fáng ② de dǐng jiān， jiù zài fáng dǐng dǐ xià， yǔ qí shuō xiàng jiān zhù fáng， dǎo bù rú shuō gèng xiàng gè dà chú。 tā xiàng nǚ fáng dōng zū liǎo zhè jiān gōngjǐ huǒ shí、 ér qiě yòu nǚ pú shì hòu de dǒu shì， nǚ fáng dōng jiù zhù zài tā lóu xià yī tào dān dú de zhù fáng lǐ， tā měi cì wài chū， dū yī dìng dé dǎ nǚ fáng dōng de chú fáng mén qián jīng guò， ér chú fáng mén jīhū zǒng shì chòngzhe lóu tī dà chǎng zhe。 měi cì zhè gè nián qīng rén cóng yī bàng zǒu guò de shí hòu， dōuyòu yī zhǒng bìng tài de dǎn qiè de gǎn jué， tā wèicǐ gǎn dào xiū kuì， yú shì zhòu qǐ méi tóu。 tā qiàn liǎo nǚ fáng dōng yī shēn zhài， pà hé tā jiàn miàn。
--------
① jù zuò zhě shuō， xiǎo shuō zhōng de gù shì fā shēng zài yī bā liù wǔ nián， xiǎo shuō zhōng méi yòu míng què shuō míng nián fèn， dàn yòu xiē dì fāng céng yòu suǒ 'àn shì， zhè jù huà jiù shì qí zhōng zhī yī héng héng yī bā liù wǔ nián xià tiān tiān qì tè bié rè。
② yī bā liù liù nián zuò zhě xiě zhè bù xiǎo shuō de shí hòu， zì jǐ jiù zhù zài xiǎo shì mín jiē、 mù jiàng hú tóng yīzhuàng lèi sì de fáng zǐ lǐ。
dǎo bù shì shuō tā shì nà me dǎn xiǎo hé qiè nuò， shèn zhì wán quán xiāng fǎn； dàn cóng mǒu gè shí qī yǐ lái， tā yī zhí chǔyú yī zhǒng hěn róng yì jī dòng hé jǐn zhāng de zhuàng tài。 huàn liǎo duō yí zhèng。 tā shì nà yàng jīng cháng xiàn rù chén sī， lí qún suǒ jū， shèn zhì hài pà jiàn dào rèn hé rén， ér bù dān dān shì pà yǔ nǚ fáng dōng jiàn miàn。 tā ràng pín qióng gěi yā kuǎ liǎo； dàn zuì jìn yī gè shí qī jiù lián jiǒng pò de chǔjìng yě yǐ bù zài shǐ tā gǎn dào kǔ nǎo。 jué duì bì xū de shì qíng tā yǐ jīng bù zài qù zuò， yě bù xiǎng zuò。 qí shí， shénme nǚ fáng dōng tādōu bù pà， bù guǎn tā dǎ suàn zěn yàng gēn tā guò bù qù。 rán 'ér zhàn zài lóu tī shàng， tīng zhè xiē yǔ tā háo bù xiāng gān de rì cháng shēng huó zhōng jī máo suàn pí zhī lèi suǒ shì de zhǒng zhǒng fèi huà， tīng suǒ yòu zhè xiē jiū chán bù xiū de tǎo zhài， wēi xié， bào yuàn， zì jǐ què yào jìn lì shè fǎ bǎi tuō， dào qiàn， sǎ huǎng， héng héng bù， zuì hǎo hái shì xiǎng gè bàn fǎ xiàng māo 'ér yàng cóng lóu tī shàng qiāoqiāo dì guò qù， tōu tōu liù diào， ràng shuí yě bié kàn jiàn tā。
kě shì zhè yī cì， dào liǎo jiē shàng yǐ hòu， nà zhǒng pà yù dào nǚ zhài zhù de kǒng jù xīn lǐ， jiù lián tā zì jǐ yě gǎn dào jīng yà。
“ wǒ zhèng yào xià jué xīn zuò yī jiàn shénme yàng de shì qíng 'ā， dàn què hài pà yī xiē wēi bù zú dào de suǒ shì！” tā xiǎng， liǎn shàng lù chū qí guài de wēi xiào。“ ǹg…… shì de…… shì zài rén wéi má， tā què jǐn jǐn yóu yú dǎn qiè 'ér cuò guò yī qiē…… zhè kě shì míng xiǎn de dào lǐ…… zhēn yòu yì sī， rén men zuì hài pà shénme ní？ tā men zuì hài pà mài chū xīn de yī bù， zuì hài pà zì jǐ de xīn xiǎng fǎ…… bù guò， wǒ shuō kōng huà shuō dé tài duō liǎo。 yīn wéi wǒ jìn shuō kōng huà， suǒ yǐ shénme yě bù zuò。 bù guò， dà gài yě kě néng shì zhè yàng： yóu yú wǒ shénme yě bù zuò， suǒ yǐ cái jìn shuō kōng huà。 wǒ shì zài zuì jìn yī gè yuè lǐ xué huì shuō kōng huà de， zhěng tiān tǎng zài yī gè jiǎo luò lǐ， xiǎng 'ā…… xiǎng rù fēi fēi。 ǹg， xiàn zài wǒ qù gànshénme？ nán dào wǒ néng qù gān zhè gè má？ nán dào zhè shì dàngzhēn？ jué duì bù shì dàngzhēn de。 jiù shì zhè yàng， wèile mèng xiǎng， zì jǐ zài hōng zì jǐ； ér xì！ duì liǎo， dà gài shì 'ér xì！”
jiē shàng rè dé kě pà， ér qiě qì mèn， yōng jǐ bù kān， dào chù dōushì shí huī jiāng、 jiǎo shǒu jià、 zhuān tóu， huī chén， hái yòu nà zhǒng xià tiān de tè shū chòu qì。 měi gè wú fǎ zū yī zuò bié shù de bǐ dé bǎo réndōu nà me shú xī de nà zhǒng chòu qì， héng héng suǒ yòu zhè yī qiē yī xià zǐ jiù lìng rén bù kuài dì zhèn hàn liǎo zhè gè qīng nián rén běn yǐ hěn bù zhèng cháng de shén jīng。 zài chéng shì de zhè yī bù fēn， xiǎo jiǔ guǎn tè bié duō， cóng zhè xiē xiǎo jiǔ guǎn lǐ mào chū de chòu qì， hái yòu nà xiē jìn guǎn shì zài gōng zuò shí jiān， què bù duàn pèng dào de zuì guǐ， gěi zhè fú jiē jǐng tiān shàng liǎo zuì hòu yī bǐ lìng rén yàn 'è de yōu yù sè cǎi。 yòu yī shùn jiān， jí duān yàn 'è de shén qíng zài zhè gè qīng nián rén qīng xiù de miàn páng shàng hū rán yī shǎn。 shùn biàn shuō yī shēng， tā shēng dé hěn měi， yòu yī shuāng piào liàng de hēi yǎn jīng， yī tóu hè sè de tóu fā， bǐ zhōng děng shēn cái hái gāo yī xiē， xiāo shòu 'ér shēn cái yúnchèn。 dàn bù jiǔ tā jiù fǎng fó xiàn rù chén sī， shèn zhì， shuō dé gèng què qiē xiē， sì hū shì xiǎng chū liǎo shén， tā wǎng qián zǒu qù， yǐ jīng bù zhù yì zhōu wéi de yī qiē， ér qiě yě bù xiǎng zhù yì。 tā zhǐ shì 'ǒu 'ěr nán nán zì yǔ， zhè shì yóu yú tā yòu zì yán zì yǔ de xí guàn， duì zhè yī xí guàn， xiàn zài tā yǐ jīng 'àn zì chéng rèn liǎo。 zhè shí tā zì jǐ yě yì shí dào， tā de sī xiǎng yòu shí shì hùn luàn de， ér qiě tā shí fēn xū ruò： yǐ jīng yòu yī tiān duō tā jīhū shénme yě méi chī liǎo。
tā chuān dé nà me chā， rú guǒ huàn yī gè rén， jí shǐ shì duì cǐ yǐ jīng xí yǐ wéi cháng de rén， yī shān rú cǐ lán lǚ， bái tiān shàng jiē yě huì gǎn dào bù hǎo yì sī。 bù guò zhè jiē qū jiù shì zhè yàng de， zài zhè 'ér yī zhù hěn nán ràng rén gǎn dào jīng yà。 zhè 'ér kào jìn gān cǎo guǎng chǎng①， jì yuàn bǐ bǐ jiē shì， ér qiě jūn jí zài bǐ dé bǎo shì zhōng xīn zhè xiē dà jiē xiǎo xiàng lǐ de jū mín， zhù yào shì nà xiē zài chē jiān gànhuó de gōng rén hé shǒu gōng yè gōng jiàng， yīn cǐ yòu shí zài zhè 'ér jiù shì huì yù dào zhè yàng yī xiē rén， shǐ zhè 'ér de jiē jǐng xiǎn dé gèng jiā fēng fù duō cǎi， rú guǒ pèng dào yī gè zhè yàng de rén jiù gǎn dào jīng yà， nà dǎo fǎn 'ér shì guài shì liǎo。 zhè gè nián qīng rén xīn lǐ yǐ jīng jī jù liǎo nà me duō fèn mèn bù píng de nù huǒ， tā miè shì yī qiē， suǒ yǐ jìn guǎn tā yòu qīng nián rén tè yòu de 'ài miàn zǐ xīn lǐ， yòu shí fēi cháng zhù yì xì jié， kě shì chuānzhuó zhè shēn pò làn 'ér wài chū， què sī háo yě bù jué dé bù hǎo yì sī。 yào shì yù jiàn tā gēn běn jiù bù yuàn pèng dào de mǒu xiē shú rén hé yǐ qián de tóng xué， nà jiù shì lìng yī huí shì liǎo…… rán 'ér yòu gè hē dé zuì xūn xūn de rén， bù zhī wèishénme zài zhè shí hòu zuò zài yī liàng dà chē shàng dǎ jiē shàng jīng guò， chē shàng tào zhe yī pǐ lā chē de gāo tóu dà mǎ， yě bù zhī shì yào bǎ tā sòng wǎng nǎ lǐ qù， zhè zuì guǐ cóng yī bàng shǐ guò de shí hòu， tū rán duì zhe tā dà hǎn yī shēng：“ ài， nǐ yā， dé guó zuò mào zǐ de gōng rén！” nà rén yòng shǒu zhǐ zhe tā， chě zhe sǎng zǐ dà hǎn， nián qīng rén tū rán zhàn zhù， jí máng zhuā zhù liǎo zì jǐ de mào zǐ。 zhè dǐng gāo tǒng yuán mào shì cóng qí méi 'ěr màn② mào diàn lǐ mǎi de， bù guò yǐ jīng dài dé shí fēn pò jiù， yán sè dū tuì jìn liǎo， dào chù dōushì pò dòng hé wū jì， méi yòu kuān mào yán， mào tǒng wāi dào liǎo yī biān， shàng miàn zhé chū yī gè guài nán kàn de jiǎo lái。 dàn bù shì xiū kuì， ér wán quán shì lìng yī zhǒng， shèn zhì shì yī zhǒng lèi sì kǒng jù de gǎn jué tū rán xiàng tā xí lái。
--------
① bǐ dé bǎo zuì dà de shì chǎng jiù zài gān cǎo guǎng chǎng shàng。
② qí méi 'ěr màn shì dāng shí bǐ dé bǎo yī jiā zhì mào gōng chǎng hé niè wǎ dà jiē shàng yī jiā mào diàn de lǎo bǎn。
“ wǒ jiù zhī dào！” tā jīng kǒng bù 'ān dì nán nán shuō，“ wǒ jiù zhè me kǎo lǜ guò！ zhè kě shì zuì zāo gāo de liǎo！ zhēn de， bù guǎn shénme yàng de chǔn shì， bù guǎn shénme bù qǐ yǎn de xì jié， dū huì pò huài zhěng gè jìhuà！ shì 'ā， mào zǐ tài róng yì ràng rén jì zhù liǎo…… kě xiào， yīn cǐ jiù róng yì ràng rén jì zhù…… wǒ zhè shēn pò làn 'ér yī dìng dé pèi yī dǐng zhì mào， nǎ pà shì yī dǐng jiān bǐng shì de jiù mào zǐ yě xíng， kě bù néng dài zhè gè nán kàn de guài wán yì 'ér。 shuí yě bù dài zhè yàng de mào zǐ， yī 'é lǐ① yǐ wài jiù huì ràng rén zhù yì dào， jiù huì jì zhù de…… zhù yào de shì， yǐ hòu huì xiǎng qǐ lái， qiáo， zhè jiù shì zuì zhèng。 zhè 'ér xū yào jìn kě néng bù rě rén zhù yì…… xì jié， zhù yào shì xì jié！…… jiù shì zhè xiē xì jié， zǒng shì huì chū wèn tí， huǐ diào yī qiē……”
--------
① yī 'é lǐ děng yú yī · liù gōng lǐ。
tā yòng bù zhe zǒu duō yuǎn； tā shèn zhì zhī dào， cóng tā nà chuáng fáng zǐ de dà mén chū lái yào zǒu duō shǎo bù： zhěng zhěng qī bǎi sān shí bù。 yòu yī cì tā huàn xiǎng dé wán quán chū liǎo shén de shí hòu， céng jīng shù guò。 nà shí tā hái bù xiāng xìn zì jǐ de zhè xiē huàn xiǎng， tā suǒ huàn xiǎng de zhè xiē suī shuō shì méi yòu dào lǐ， rán 'ér què shì shí fēn yòu rén de dà dǎn jìhuà， zhǐ shì huì rě tā shēng qì。 xiàn zài， guò liǎo yī gè yuè yǐ hòu， tā yǐ jīng kāi shǐ yǐ lìng yī zhǒng yǎn guāng lái kàn dài zhè yī qiē liǎo， jìn guǎn tā zǒng shì zì yán zì yǔ， cháo xiào zì jǐ wú néng hé yōu róu guǎ duàn， què bù zhī zěn me shèn zhì bù yóu zì zhù dì yǐ jīng xí guàn yú bǎ zhè“ méi yòu dào lǐ” de huàn xiǎng kàn zuò yī xiàng shì yè liǎo， suī shuō tā réng rán bù xiāng xìn zì jǐ。 xiàn zài tā shèn zhì yào qù wéi wán chéng zì jǐ de zhè yī shì yè jìn xíng shì tàn， měi zǒu yī bù， tā de jī dòng bù 'ān yě yuè lái yuè qiáng liè liǎo。
tā xīn qíng jǐn zhāng， shén jīng zhànlì， zǒu dào yīzhuàng hěn dà de dà fáng zǐ qián， fáng zǐ de yī dǔ qiáng duì zhe yùn hé， lìng yī miàn qiáng chòngzhe × jiē。 zhè chuáng dà fáng zǐ fēn zuò yī tào tào bù dà de zhù zhái， lǐ miàn zhù mǎn liǎo gè xíng gè yè de shǒu yì rén héng héng cái féng、 xiǎo lú jiàng、 chú niàn， xíng xíng sè sè de dé guó rén， jì nǚ， xiǎo guān lì， yǐ jí qí tā hángyè de rén。 jìn jìn chū chū de rén jiù zhè yàng zài fáng zǐ de liǎng dào dà mén hé liǎng gè yuàn zǐ lǐ cōng cōng zǒu guò。 zhè 'ér yòu sān gè、 yào me shì sì gè guǎn yuàn zǐ de。 nà gè nián qīng rén méi pèng dào tā men dāng zhōng de rèn hé yī gè， lì kè wú rén chá jué dì liù jìn dà mén， wǎng yòu yī guǎi， liù shàng liǎo lóu tī， yīn cǐ tā gǎn dào fēi cháng mǎn yì。 lóu tī yòu 'àn， yòu zhǎi， shì“ hòu lóu tī”， dàn shì tā duì zhè yī qiēdōu yǐ jīng liǎo jiě， ér qiě chá kàn guò liǎo， duì zhè zhěng gè huán jìng tādōu shí fēn xǐ huān： zài zhè yàng de hēi 'àn zhōng， jiù lián hàoqí de mù guāng yě bìng bù wēi xiǎn。“ yào shì zhè shí hòu wǒ jiù zhè me hài pà， shuō bù dìng shénme shí hòu， rú guǒ zhēn de yào qù gān nà jiàn shì de huà， yòu huì zěn yàng ní？……” shàng sì lóu de shí hòu， tā bù yóu dé xiǎng。 jǐ gè dāng bān yùn gōng de tuì wǔ shì bīng zài zhè lǐ dǎng zhù liǎo tā de lù， tā men zhèng cóng yī tào zhù zhái lǐ wǎng wài bān jiā jù。 yǐ qián tā yǐ jīng zhī dào， zhè tào zhù zhái lǐ zhù zhe yī gè dài jiā juàn de dé guó rén， shì gè guān lì：“ zhè me shuō， zhè gè dé guó rén xiàn zài bān zǒu liǎo， yīn 'ér sì céng lóu shàng， zhè dào lóu tī hé zhè gè lóu tī píng tái shàng， zài yī duàn shí jiān lǐ jiù zhǐ shèng xià lǎo tài pó de zhù zhái lǐ hái zhù zhe rén。 zhè hǎo jí liǎo…… yǐ fáng wàn yī……” tā yòu xiǎng， bìng qiě lā liǎo lā lǎo tài pó zhù fáng de mén líng。 mén líng xiǎng shēng hěn qīng， hǎo xiàng líng bù shì tóng de， ér shì yòng bái tiě zuò de。 zhè yàng de lóu fáng zhōng yī tào tào zhè zhǒng bù dà de zhù zhái lǐ， jīhū dōushì zhuāng zhe zhè yàng de mén líng。 tā yǐ jīng wàng jì liǎo zhè xiǎo líng chēng de xiǎng shēng， xiàn zài zhè hěn tè bié de xiǎng shēng tū rán ràng tā xiǎng qǐ liǎo shénme， bìng qīng qīng chǔ chǔ dì xiǎng xiàng…… tā měng dì zhànlì liǎo yī xià， zhè yī cì shén jīng zhēn shì tài cuì ruò liǎo。 shāo guò liǎo yī huì 'ér， fáng mén kāi liǎo hěn xiǎo yī dào féng： zhù zài lǐ miàn de nà gè nǚ rén dài zhe míng xiǎn bù xìn rèn de shén qíng cóng mén féng lǐ xì xì dǎliang lái rén， zhǐ néng kàn dào tā nà shuāng zài hēi 'àn zhōng shǎn shǎn fā liàng de xiǎo yǎn jīng。 dàn shì kàn dào lóu tī píng tái shàng yòu bù shǎo rén， tā dǎn zhuàng qǐ lái， yú shì bǎ fáng mén wán quán dǎ kāi liǎo。 nián qīng rén kuà guò mén kǎn， zǒu jìn yòng gé bǎn gé kāi de qián shì， gé bǎn hòu miàn shì yī jiān hěn xiǎo de chú fáng。 lǎo tài pó mò mò dì zhàn zài tā miàn qián， yí wèn dì zhù shì zhe tā。 zhè shì yī gè gān biě de xiǎo lǎo tài pó， liù shí lái suì， yòu yī shuāng mù guāng ruì lì、 shén qíng xiōng 'è de xiǎo yǎn jīng， jiān jiān de xiǎo bí zǐ， guāng zhe tóu， méi bāo tóu jīn。 tā nà xiàng jī tuǐ yàng xì cháng de bó zǐ shàng chán zhe yī kuài fǎ lán róng pò wéi jīn， bié kàn tiān rè， jiān shàng hái pī zhe yī jiàn chuān dé shí fēn pò jiù、 yǐ jīng fā huáng de máo pí nǚ duǎn shàng yī。 lǎo tài pó yī kè bù tíng dì ké sòu， fā chū hū chī hū chī de shēng yīn。 xiǎng bì shì nián qīng rén yòng yì yàng de yǎn guāng kàn liǎo tā yī yǎn， yīn 'ér xiān qián nà zhǒng bù xìn rèn de shén qíng tū rán yòu zài tā yǎn jīng lǐ hū dì yī shǎn。
“ lā sī kē lì ní kē fū， dà xué shēng， yī gè yuè yǐ qián lái guò nín zhè 'ér，” nián qīng rén jí máng hán hán hú hú dì shuō， bìng qiě wēi wēi jū gōng xíng lǐ， yīn wéi tā xiǎng qǐ， yīnggāi kè qì yī xiē。
“ wǒ jì dé， xiān shēng， jì dé hěn qīng chǔ， nín lái guò，” lǎo tài pó qīng qīng chǔ chǔ dì shuō， réng rán méi bǎ zì jǐ yí wèn de mù guāng cóng tā liǎn shàng yí kāi。
“ nà me…… yòu shì wéi zhè shì lái de……” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū jiē zhe shuō， shāo yòu diǎn 'ér jiǒng， bìng qiě wéi lǎo tài pó de bù xìn rèn gǎn dào chà yì。
“ bù guò， yě xǔ tā yī xiàng dōushì zhè yàng， wǒ nà yī cì què méi yòu zhù yì，” tā huái zhe bù yú kuài de xīn qíng xiǎng。
lǎo tài pó chén mò liǎo yī huì 'ér， fǎng fó zài kǎo lǜ， suí hòu tuì dào yī biān， zhǐ zhǐ fáng jiān de mén， ràng kè rén dào qián miàn qù， bìng qiě shuō：
“ qǐng jìn， xiān shēng。”
nián qīng rén jìn qù de nà jiān fáng jiān bìng bù dà， qiáng shàng hú zhe huáng sè de qiáng zhǐ， wū lǐ bǎi zhe tiān zhú kuí， chuāng shàng guà zhe xì shā chuāng lián， zhè shí luò rì de yú huī bǎ wū lǐ zhào dé liàng táng táng de。“ zhè me shuō， nà shí hòu， tài yáng yě huì xiàng zhè yàng zhào zhe！……” zhè xiǎng fǎ fǎng fó wú yì zhōng lüè guò lā sī kē lì ní kē fū de nǎo hǎi， yú shì tā yòng mù guāng cōng cōng dǎliang liǎo yī xià wū lǐ de yī qiē， xiǎng jìn kě néng liǎo jiě bìng jì zhù wū lǐ de bù jú。 bù guò wū lǐ bìng méi yòu rèn hé tè shū de dōng xī。 jiā jù dōuhěn jiù liǎo， dōushì huáng mù zuò de： yī zhāng yòu lǎo dà de wān mù kào bèi de shā fā， shā fā qián bǎi yī zhāng tuǒ yuán xíng de yuán zhuō， chuāng hé mén zhī jiān de qiáng shàng yòu gè dài jìng zǐ de shū zhuāng tái， yán qiáng fàng zhe jǐ bǎ yǐ zǐ， hái yòu liǎng sān fú háo wú jià zhí de tú huà， dū zhuāng zài huáng sè de huà kuàng lǐ， shàng miàn huà zhe jǐ gè shǒu lǐ ná zhe xiǎo niǎo de dé guó xiǎo jiě， héng héng zhè jiù shì quán bù jiā jù。 qiáng jiǎo luò lǐ， bù dà de shén xiàng qián diǎn zhe shén dēng。 yī qiēdōu hěn gān jìng： jiā jù hé dì bǎn dū cā dé fā liàng； yī qiēdōu shǎn shǎn fā guāng。“ lì zhā wēi tǎ zuò de，” nián qīng rén xiǎng。 zhěng tào zhù zhái lǐ xiān chén bù rǎn。“ xiōng 'è de lǎo guǎ fù jiā lǐ cái huì zhè me gān jìng，” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū jì xù 'àn zì sī cǔn， bìng qiě hàoqí dì xié zhe yǎn jīng piǎo liǎo piǎo dì 'èr jiān xiǎo fáng jiān mén qián de yìn huā bù mén lián， nà jiān wū lǐ bǎi zhe lǎo tài pó de chuáng hé yī gè chōu tì guì， tā hái yī cì yě méi cháo nà wū lǐ kàn guò。 zhěng tào zhù zhái jiù zhǐ yòu zhè liǎng jiān fáng jiān。
“ yòu shénme shì 'ā？” lǎo tài pó zǒu jìn wū lái， yán lì dì shuō， réng rán zhèng duì zhe tā zhàn zhe， zhè yàng kě yǐ zhí chǒu zhe tā de liǎn。
“ wǒ ná liǎo yī jiàn dǐ yā pǐn lái， nín qiáo， zhè jiù shì！” shuō zhe tā cóng yī dài lǐ tāo chū yī kuài biǎn píng de jiù yín biǎo。 biǎo de bèi miàn kè zhe yī gè dì qiú yí。 biǎo liàn shì gāng de。
“ yào zhī dào， shàng cì dǐ yā de dōng xī yǐ jīng dào qī liǎo。 hái zài qián tiān jiù chāo guò yī gè yuè liǎo。”
“ wǒ zài gěi nín yī gè yuè de lì xī； qǐng nín kuān xiàn yī xià。”
“ xiān shēng， kuān xiàn jǐ tiān， hái shì zhè huì 'ér jiù bǎ nín de dōng xī mài diào， zhè dū dé yóu wǒ jué dìng。”
“ biǎo kě yǐ dāng duō shǎo qián， ā liào nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà？”
“ xiān shēng， nǐ jìn ná xiē bù zhí qián de dōng xī lái， chàbù duō yī wén bù zhí。 shàng cì nà gè jiè zhǐ gěi liǎo nín liǎng gè lú bù， kě zài shǒu shì shāng nà 'ér， huā yī gè bàn lú bù jiù néng mǎi gè xīn de。”
“ qǐng gěi wǒ sì gè lú bù bā， wǒ yī dìng lái shú， shì wǒ fù qīn de。 wǒ hěn kuài jiù huì dé dào qián liǎo。”
“ yī gè bàn lú bù， lì xī xiān fù， yào shì nín yuàn yì de huà。”
“ yī gè bàn lú bù！” nián qīng rén jiào liǎo qǐ lái。
“ suí nín biàn。” shuō zhe lǎo tài pó bǎ biǎo dì hái gěi tā。 nián qīng rén jiē guò biǎo lái， gǎn dào nà yàng qì fèn， yǐ jīng xiǎng yào zǒu liǎo； dàn lì kè yòu gǎi liǎo zhù yì， yīn wéi tā xiǎng qǐ， zài yě wú chù kě qù， ér qiě tā lái zhè 'ér hái yòu bàng de mùdì。
“ ná lái bā！” tā cū bào dì shuō。
lǎo tài pó shēn shǒu dào yī dài lǐ qù tāo yàoshì， rán hòu zǒu jìn mén lián hòu miàn lìng yī jiān wū lǐ。 zhǐ shèng xià nián qīng rén dú zì yī rén zhàn zài fáng wū zhōng jiān， hàoqí dì cè 'ěr dì tīng， àn zì cāi cè。 kě yǐ tīng dào tā dǎ kāi liǎo chōu tì guì。“ dà gài shì shàng miàn de chōu tì，” tā cāi cè。“ zhè me shuō， tā shì bǎ yàoshì zhuāng zài yòu biān kǒu dài lǐ…… quándōu chuàn chéng yī chuàn， chuàn zài yī gè gāng juàn 'ér shàng…… nà 'ér yòu yī bǎ zuì dà de yàoshì， yòu bàng de sān bèi dà， dài jù chǐ， dāng rán bù shì kāi chōu tì guì de…… kě jiàn hái yòu yī gè xiǎo xiá zǐ， yào me shì gè xiǎo xiāng zǐ…… qiáo， zhè zhēn yòu yì sī。 xiǎo xiāng zǐ dōushì yòng zhè yàng de yàoshì…… bù guò， zhè yī qiē duō me bēi bǐ……”
lǎo tài pó huí lái liǎo。
“ nín qiáo， xiān shēng： jì rán yī gè lú bù yī gè yuè de lì xī shì shí gè gē bǐ， nà me yī gè bàn lú bù gāi shōu nín shí wǔ gè gē bǐ， xiān fù yī gè yuè de lì xī。 shàng cì nà liǎng gè lú bù yě zhào zhè yàng jì suàn， gāi xiān shōu nín 'èr shí gē bǐ。 zhè me shuō， zǒng gòng shì sān shí wǔ gē bǐ。 xiàn zài nín zhè kuài biǎo， zǒng gòng hái gāi gěi nín yī lú bù shí wǔ gē bǐ。 zhè bù shì， qǐng shōu xià bā。”
“ zěn me！ xiàn zài jiù zhǐ yòu yī lú bù shí wǔ gē bǐ liǎo！”
“ zhèng shì zhè yàng。”
nián qīng rén méi yòu zhēng lùn， jiē guò liǎo qián。 tā chǒu zhe lǎo tài pó， bìng bù jí yú chū qù， sì hū tā hái xiǎng shuō diǎn 'ér shénme， yào me shì zuò diǎn 'ér shénme， dàn hǎo xiàng tā zì jǐ yě bù zhī dào， dào dǐ yào gànshénme……
“ ā liào nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà， yě xǔ， jiù zài zhè jǐ tiān lǐ， wǒ hái yào gěi nín ná yī yàng dōng xī lái…… yín de…… hěn jīng zhì de…… yān hé…… zhǐ děng wǒ cóng péng yǒu nà lǐ qǔ huí lái……” tā fā jiǒng liǎo， yú shì zhù liǎo shēng。
“ hǎo， dào nà shí zài shuō bā， xiān shēng。”
“ zài jiàn…… nín zǒng shì yī gè rén zài jiā？ mèi mèi bù zài má？” tā dào qián shì qù de shí hòu， jìn kě néng suí suí biàn biàn dì wèn。
“ xiān shēng， nín wèn tā gànshénme？”
“ ā， méi shí me。 wǒ bù guò zhè me wèn wèn。 nín xiàn zài zhēn shì…… ā liào nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà！”
lā sī kē lì ní kē fū cóng wū lǐ chū lái shí yǐ jīng shí fēn xīn huāng yì luàn。 zhè bù 'ān de xīn qíng yuè lái yuè qiáng liè liǎo。 xià lóu shí tā shèn zhì yòu hǎo jǐ cì tíng liǎo xià lái， fǎng fó yòu shénme shì qíng shǐ tā tū rán chī liǎo yī jīng。 zuì hòu， yǐ jīng dào liǎo jiē shàng de shí hòu， tā jī dòng dì shuō：
“ ō， tiān nǎ！ zhè yī qiē duō me lìng rén yàn 'è！ nán dào， nán dào wǒ…… bù！ zhè shì wú jī zhī tán， zhè shì huāng miù jué lún！” tā yì rán jué rán dì jiā shàng jǐ jù。
“ nán dào wǒ de tóu nǎo lǐ huì chū xiàn zhè yàng kě pà de xiǎng fǎ？ wǒ de liáng xīn jìng néng yǔn xǔ gān zhè zhǒng 'āng zàng de shì qíng！ zhù yào de shì： āng zàng， bēi wū， è liè， è liè！……
ér wǒ， zhěng zhěng yī gè yuè……”
dàn shì tā jì bù néng yòng yán cí、 yě bù néng yòng gǎn tàn lái biǎo dá zì jǐ de jī dòng yǔ bù 'ān。 hái zài tā gāng gāng qù lǎo tài pó nà 'ér de shí hòu jiù kāi shǐ shǐ tā gǎn dào yā yì hé bù 'ān de jí duān yàn 'è de xīn qíng， xiàn zài yǐ jīng dá dào zhè zhǒng chéng dù， ér qiě biàn dé shí fēn míng xiǎn， yǐ zhì tā bù zhī gāi duǒ dào nǎ lǐ qù， cái néng táo bì zì jǐ de yōu chóu。 tā xiàng hē zuì liǎo sì dì zài rén hángdào shàng zǒu zhe， kàn bù jiàn lù shàng de xíng rén， lǎo shì huì zhuàng dào tā men， qīng xǐng guò lái de shí hòu， yǐ jīng dào liǎo lìng yī tiáo jiē shàng。 tā huán gù sì zhōu， fā jué zì jǐ zhàn zài yī jiā xiǎo jiǔ guǎn bàng， yào jìn jiǔ guǎn， dé cóng rén hángdào shùn zhe lóu tī wǎng xià， dào dì xià shì qù。 jiù zài zhè shí， qià hǎo cóng mén lǐ zǒu chū liǎng gè zuì xūn xūn de rén lái， tā men hù xiāng chān fú zhe， zuǐ lǐ bù gān bù jìng dì mà zhe， shùn zhe lóu tī pá dào jiē shàng。 lā sī kē lì ní kē fū méi xiǎng duō jiǔ， lì kè jiù xià qù liǎo。 zài cǐ yǐ qián tā cóng wèi jìn guò jiǔ guǎn， dàn shì xiàn zài tā gǎn dào tóu hūn， jiā yǐ huǒ shāo huǒ liáo de gān kě zhèng zài zhé mó zhe tā。 tā xiǎng hē diǎn 'ér bīng lěng de pí jiǔ， ér qiě tā bǎ zì jǐ tū rán gǎn dào de xū ruò guī jiù yú jī 'è。 tā zuò dào yòu 'àn yòu zàng de jiǎo luò lǐ yī zhāng fā nián de xiǎo zhuō bàng biān， yào liǎo pí jiǔ， tān lán dì hē gān liǎo dì yī bēi。 lì kè yī qiēdōu xiāo shī liǎo， tā de sī xiǎng yě qīng xī liǎo。“ zhè yī qiēdōu shì hú shuō bā dào，” tā mǎn huái xī wàng dì shuō，“ zhè 'ér méi yòu shénme kě yǐ gǎn dào bù 'ān de！ zhǐ bù guò shì shēn tǐ bù shū fú， shì yī zhǒng bìng tài！ zhǐ yào yī bēi pí jiǔ， yī xiǎo kuài gān miàn bāo， héng héng qiáo， zhuǎn shùn jiān jiù biàn dé jiān qiáng qǐ lái， sī xiǎng qīng chǔ liǎo， yì xiàng yě jiān dìng liǎo！ pēi！ zhè yī qiē shì duō me wēi bù zú dào！……” dàn jìn guǎn tā qīng miè dì cuì liǎo yī kǒu tuò mò， tā què yǐ jīng gāo xīng qǐ lái， fǎng fó tū rán bǎi tuō liǎo mǒu zhǒng kě pà de chén zhòng fù dān， bìng qiě mù guāng yǒu hǎo dì sǎo shì liǎo yī xià zài zuò de rén。 bù guò jiù shì zài zhè shí hòu， tā yě yǐn yǐn yuē yuē yù gǎn dào， zhè zhǒng yī qiēdōu wǎng hǎo chù xiǎng de lè guān tài dù yě shì yī zhǒng bìng tài。
zhè shí xiǎo jiǔ guǎn lǐ shèng xià de rén yǐ jīng bù duō liǎo。 chú liǎo zài lóu tī shàng pèng dào guò de nà liǎng gè zuì guǐ， yòu yòu chǎo chǎo rǎng rǎng de yī qún rén gēn zhe tā men zǒu liǎo chū qù， tā men zhè yī huǒ yuē mō yòu wǔ、 liù gè rén， qí zhōng yòu yī gè gū niàn， hái dài zhe yī jià shǒu fēng qín。 tā men zǒu liǎo yǐ hòu， biàn dé jìng qiǎo qiǎo、 kōng dàng dàng de。 shèng xià de rén zhōng yòu yī gè yǐ jīng zuì liǎo， bù guò zuì dé bìng bù lì hài， zuò zài bǎi zhe pí jiǔ de zhuō biān， kàn yàng zǐ shì gè xiǎo shì mín； tā de tóng bàn shì gè pàng zǐ， shēn cái kuí wú， chuān yī jiàn shù lǐng dǎ xí de xì yāo duǎn ní shàng yī， xù yī bù huā bái de dà hú zǐ， yǐ jīng hē dé mǐng dǐng dà zuì， zhèng zuò zài cháng dèng shàng dǎ kē shuì， yòu shí tū rán sì hū bàn shuì bàn xǐng， shēn kāi shuāng shǒu， kāi shǐ yòng shǒu zhǐ dǎ fěi zǐ， tā bìng méi yòu cóng cháng dèng shàng zhàn qǐ lái， shàng shēn què bù shí wǎng shàng dòng yī dòng， ér qiě zài hú luàn hēng zhe yī shǒu shénme gēqǔ， jié lì xiǎng jì qǐ gē cí， hǎo xiàng shì：
zhěng zhěng yī nián wǒ hé qī zǐ qīn qīn rè rè，
zhěng héng héng zhěng yī nián wǒ hé qī héng héng zǐ qīn qīn héng héng rè rè……
yào me shì tū rán xǐng lái， yòu chàng dào：
wǒ qù bō jì yà qì dà jiē xián guàng，
zhǎo dào liǎo zì jǐ cóng qián de pó niàn……
dàn shuí yě bù fēn xiǎng tā de xìng fú； tā nà gè chén mò guǎ yán de huǒ bàn duì zhè xiē gǎn qíng bào fā shèn zhì bào yòu dí yì， ér qiě chí huái yí tài dù。 nà 'ér hái yòu yī gè rén， kàn yàng zǐ hǎo xiàng shì gè tuì zhí de guān lì。 tā miàn duì zì jǐ de jiǔ bēi， dān dú zuò zài yī zhāng zhuō zǐ bàng biān， yòu shí hē yī kǒu jiǔ， bìng xiàng sì zhōu kàn kàn。 tā sì hū yě yòu diǎn 'ér jī dòng bù 'ān。
He had successfully avoided meeting his landlady on the staircase. His garret was under the roof of a high, five-storied house and was more like a cupboard than a room. The landlady who provided him with garret, dinners, and attendance, lived on the floor below, and every time he went out he was obliged to pass her kitchen, the door of which invariably stood open. And each time he passed, the young man had a sick, frightened feeling, which made him scowl and feel ashamed. He was hopelessly in debt to his landlady, and was afraid of meeting her.
This was not because he was cowardly and abject, quite the contrary; but for some time past he had been in an overstrained irritable condition, verging on hypochondria. He had become so completely absorbed in himself, and isolated from his fellows that he dreaded meeting, not only his landlady, but anyone at all. He was crushed by poverty, but the anxieties of his position had of late ceased to weigh upon him. He had given up attending to matters of practical importance; he had lost all desire to do so. Nothing that any landlady could do had a real terror for him. But to be stopped on the stairs, to be forced to listen to her trivial, irrelevant gossip, to pestering demands for payment, threats and complaints, and to rack his brains for excuses, to prevaricate, to lie--no, rather than that, he would creep down the stairs like a cat and slip out unseen.
This evening, however, on coming out into the street, he became acutely aware of his fears.
"I want to attempt a thing /like that/ and am frightened by these trifles," he thought, with an odd smile. "Hm . . . yes, all is in a man's hands and he lets it all slip from cowardice, that's an axiom. It would be interesting to know what it is men are most afraid of. Taking a new step, uttering a new word is what they fear most. . . . But I am talking too much. It's because I chatter that I do nothing. Or perhaps it is that I chatter because I do nothing. I've learned to chatter this last month, lying for days together in my den thinking . . . of Jack the Giant-killer. Why am I going there now? Am I capable of /that/? Is /that/ serious? It is not serious at all. It's simply a fantasy to amuse myself; a plaything! Yes, maybe it is a plaything."
The heat in the street was terrible: and the airlessness, the bustle and the plaster, scaffolding, bricks, and dust all about him, and that special Petersburg stench, so familiar to all who are unable to get out of town in summer--all worked painfully upon the young man's already overwrought nerves. The insufferable stench from the pot- houses, which are particularly numerous in that part of the town, and the drunken men whom he met continually, although it was a working day, completed the revolting misery of the picture. An expression of the profoundest disgust gleamed for a moment in the young man's refined face. He was, by the way, exceptionally handsome, above the average in height, slim, well-built, with beautiful dark eyes and dark brown hair. Soon he sank into deep thought, or more accurately speaking into a complete blankness of mind; he walked along not observing what was about him and not caring to observe it. From time to time, he would mutter something, from the habit of talking to himself, to which he had just confessed. At these moments he would become conscious that his ideas were sometimes in a tangle and that he was very weak; for two days he had scarcely tasted food.
He was so badly dressed that even a man accustomed to shabbiness would have been ashamed to be seen in the street in such rags. In that quarter of the town, however, scarcely any shortcoming in dress would have created surprise. Owing to the proximity of the Hay Market, the number of establishments of bad character, the preponderance of the trading and working class population crowded in these streets and alleys in the heart of Petersburg, types so various were to be seen in the streets that no figure, however queer, would have caused surprise. But there was such accumulated bitterness and contempt in the young man's heart, that, in spite of all the fastidiousness of youth, he minded his rags least of all in the street. It was a different matter when he met with acquaintances or with former fellow students, whom, indeed, he disliked meeting at any time. And yet when a drunken man who, for some unknown reason, was being taken somewhere in a huge waggon dragged by a heavy dray horse, suddenly shouted at him as he drove past: "Hey there, German hatter" bawling at the top of his voice and pointing at him--the young man stopped suddenly and clutched tremulously at his hat. It was a tall round hat from Zimmerman's, but completely worn out, rusty with age, all torn and bespattered, brimless and bent on one side in a most unseemly fashion. Not shame, however, but quite another feeling akin to terror had overtaken him.
"I knew it," he muttered in confusion, "I thought so! That's the worst of all! Why, a stupid thing like this, the most trivial detail might spoil the whole plan. Yes, my hat is too noticeable. . . . It looks absurd and that makes it noticeable. . . . With my rags I ought to wear a cap, any sort of old pancake, but not this grotesque thing. Nobody wears such a hat, it would be noticed a mile off, it would be remembered. . . . What matters is that people would remember it, and that would give them a clue. For this business one should be as little conspicuous as possible. . . . Trifles, trifles are what matter! Why, it's just such trifles that always ruin everything. . . ."
He had not far to go; he knew indeed how many steps it was from the gate of his lodging house: exactly seven hundred and thirty. He had counted them once when he had been lost in dreams. At the time he had put no faith in those dreams and was only tantalising himself by their hideous but daring recklessness. Now, a month later, he had begun to look upon them differently, and, in spite of the monologues in which he jeered at his own impotence and indecision, he had involuntarily come to regard this "hideous" dream as an exploit to be attempted, although he still did not realise this himself. He was positively going now for a "rehearsal" of his project, and at every step his excitement grew more and more violent.
With a sinking heart and a nervous tremor, he went up to a huge house which on one side looked on to the canal, and on the other into the street. This house was let out in tiny tenements and was inhabited by working people of all kinds--tailors, locksmiths, cooks, Germans of sorts, girls picking up a living as best they could, petty clerks, etc. There was a continual coming and going through the two gates and in the two courtyards of the house. Three or four door-keepers were employed on the building. The young man was very glad to meet none of them, and at once slipped unnoticed through the door on the right, and up the staircase. It was a back staircase, dark and narrow, but he was familiar with it already, and knew his way, and he liked all these surroundings: in such darkness even the most inquisitive eyes were not to be dreaded.
"If I am so scared now, what would it be if it somehow came to pass that I were really going to do it?" he could not help asking himself as he reached the fourth storey. There his progress was barred by some porters who were engaged in moving furniture out of a flat. He knew that the flat had been occupied by a German clerk in the civil service, and his family. This German was moving out then, and so the fourth floor on this staircase would be untenanted except by the old woman. "That's a good thing anyway," he thought to himself, as he rang the bell of the old woman's flat. The bell gave a faint tinkle as though it were made of tin and not of copper. The little flats in such houses always have bells that ring like that. He had forgotten the note of that bell, and now its peculiar tinkle seemed to remind him of something and to bring it clearly before him. . . . He started, his nerves were terribly overstrained by now. In a little while, the door was opened a tiny crack: the old woman eyed her visitor with evident distrust through the crack, and nothing could be seen but her little eyes, glittering in the darkness. But, seeing a number of people on the landing, she grew bolder, and opened the door wide. The young man stepped into the dark entry, which was partitioned off from the tiny kitchen. The old woman stood facing him in silence and looking inquiringly at him. She was a diminutive, withered up old woman of sixty, with sharp malignant eyes and a sharp little nose. Her colourless, somewhat grizzled hair was thickly smeared with oil, and she wore no kerchief over it. Round her thin long neck, which looked like a hen's leg, was knotted some sort of flannel rag, and, in spite of the heat, there hung flapping on her shoulders, a mangy fur cape, yellow with age. The old woman coughed and groaned at every instant. The young man must have looked at her with a rather peculiar expression, for a gleam of mistrust came into her eyes again.
"Raskolnikov, a student, I came here a month ago," the young man made haste to mutter, with a half bow, remembering that he ought to be more polite.
"I remember, my good sir, I remember quite well your coming here," the old woman said distinctly, still keeping her inquiring eyes on his face.
"And here . . . I am again on the same errand," Raskolnikov continued, a little disconcerted and surprised at the old woman's mistrust. "Perhaps she is always like that though, only I did not notice it the other time," he thought with an uneasy feeling.
The old woman paused, as though hesitating; then stepped on one side, and pointing to the door of the room, she said, letting her visitor pass in front of her:
"Step in, my good sir."
The little room into which the young man walked, with yellow paper on the walls, geraniums and muslin curtains in the windows, was brightly lighted up at that moment by the setting sun.
"So the sun will shine like this /then/ too!" flashed as it were by chance through Raskolnikov's mind, and with a rapid glance he scanned everything in the room, trying as far as possible to notice and remember its arrangement. But there was nothing special in the room. The furniture, all very old and of yellow wood, consisted of a sofa with a huge bent wooden back, an oval table in front of the sofa, a dressing-table with a looking-glass fixed on it between the windows, chairs along the walls and two or three half-penny prints in yellow frames, representing German damsels with birds in their hands--that was all. In the corner a light was burning before a small ikon. Everything was very clean; the floor and the furniture were brightly polished; everything shone.
"Lizaveta's work," thought the young man. There was not a speck of dust to be seen in the whole flat.
"It's in the houses of spiteful old widows that one finds such cleanliness," Raskolnikov thought again, and he stole a curious glance at the cotton curtain over the door leading into another tiny room, in which stood the old woman's bed and chest of drawers and into which he had never looked before. These two rooms made up the whole flat.
"What do you want?" the old woman said severely, coming into the room and, as before, standing in front of him so as to look him straight in the face.
"I've brought something to pawn here," and he drew out of his pocket an old-fashioned flat silver watch, on the back of which was engraved a globe; the chain was of steel.
"But the time is up for your last pledge. The month was up the day before yesterday."
"I will bring you the interest for another month; wait a little."
"But that's for me to do as I please, my good sir, to wait or to sell your pledge at once."
"How much will you give me for the watch, Alyona Ivanovna?"
"You come with such trifles, my good sir, it's scarcely worth anything. I gave you two roubles last time for your ring and one could buy it quite new at a jeweler's for a rouble and a half."
"Give me four roubles for it, I shall redeem it, it was my father's. I shall be getting some money soon."
"A rouble and a half, and interest in advance, if you like!"
"A rouble and a half!" cried the young man.
"Please yourself"--and the old woman handed him back the watch. The young man took it, and was so angry that he was on the point of going away; but checked himself at once, remembering that there was nowhere else he could go, and that he had had another object also in coming.
"Hand it over," he said roughly.
The old woman fumbled in her pocket for her keys, and disappeared behind the curtain into the other room. The young man, left standing alone in the middle of the room, listened inquisitively, thinking. He could hear her unlocking the chest of drawers.
"It must be the top drawer," he reflected. "So she carries the keys in a pocket on the right. All in one bunch on a steel ring. . . . And there's one key there, three times as big as all the others, with deep notches; that can't be the key of the chest of drawers . . . then there must be some other chest or strong-box . . . that's worth knowing. Strong-boxes always have keys like that . . . but how degrading it all is."
The old woman came back.
"Here, sir: as we say ten copecks the rouble a month, so I must take fifteen copecks from a rouble and a half for the month in advance. But for the two roubles I lent you before, you owe me now twenty copecks on the same reckoning in advance. That makes thirty-five copecks altogether. So I must give you a rouble and fifteen copecks for the watch. Here it is."
"What! only a rouble and fifteen copecks now!"
"Just so."
The young man did not dispute it and took the money. He looked at the old woman, and was in no hurry to get away, as though there was still something he wanted to say or to do, but he did not himself quite know what.
"I may be bringing you something else in a day or two, Alyona Ivanovna --a valuable thing--silver--a cigarette-box, as soon as I get it back from a friend . . ." he broke off in confusion.
"Well, we will talk about it then, sir."
"Good-bye--are you always at home alone, your sister is not here with you?" He asked her as casually as possible as he went out into the passage.
"What business is she of yours, my good sir?"
"Oh, nothing particular, I simply asked. You are too quick. . . . Good-day, Alyona Ivanovna."
Raskolnikov went out in complete confusion. This confusion became more and more intense. As he went down the stairs, he even stopped short, two or three times, as though suddenly struck by some thought. When he was in the street he cried out, "Oh, God, how loathsome it all is! and can I, can I possibly. . . . No, it's nonsense, it's rubbish!" he added resolutely. "And how could such an atrocious thing come into my head? What filthy things my heart is capable of. Yes, filthy above all, disgusting, loathsome, loathsome!--and for a whole month I've been. . . ." But no words, no exclamations, could express his agitation. The feeling of intense repulsion, which had begun to oppress and torture his heart while he was on his way to the old woman, had by now reached such a pitch and had taken such a definite form that he did not know what to do with himself to escape from his wretchedness. He walked along the pavement like a drunken man, regardless of the passers-by, and jostling against them, and only came to his senses when he was in the next street. Looking round, he noticed that he was standing close to a tavern which was entered by steps leading from the pavement to the basement. At that instant two drunken men came out at the door, and abusing and supporting one another, they mounted the steps. Without stopping to think, Raskolnikov went down the steps at once. Till that moment he had never been into a tavern, but now he felt giddy and was tormented by a burning thirst. He longed for a drink of cold beer, and attributed his sudden weakness to the want of food. He sat down at a sticky little table in a dark and dirty corner; ordered some beer, and eagerly drank off the first glassful. At once he felt easier; and his thoughts became clear.
"All that's nonsense," he said hopefully, "and there is nothing in it all to worry about! It's simply physical derangement. Just a glass of beer, a piece of dry bread--and in one moment the brain is stronger, the mind is clearer and the will is firm! Phew, how utterly petty it all is!"
But in spite of this scornful reflection, he was by now looking cheerful as though he were suddenly set free from a terrible burden: and he gazed round in a friendly way at the people in the room. But even at that moment he had a dim foreboding that this happier frame of mind was also not normal.
There were few people at the time in the tavern. Besides the two drunken men he had met on the steps, a group consisting of about five men and a girl with a concertina had gone out at the same time. Their departure left the room quiet and rather empty. The persons still in the tavern were a man who appeared to be an artisan, drunk, but not extremely so, sitting before a pot of beer, and his companion, a huge, stout man with a grey beard, in a short full-skirted coat. He was very drunk: and had dropped asleep on the bench; every now and then, he began as though in his sleep, cracking his fingers, with his arms wide apart and the upper part of his body bounding about on the bench, while he hummed some meaningless refrain, trying to recall some such lines as these:
"His wife a year he fondly loved His wife a--a year he--fondly loved."
Or suddenly waking up again:
"Walking along the crowded row He met the one he used to know."
But no one shared his enjoyment: his silent companion looked with positive hostility and mistrust at all these manifestations. There was another man in the room who looked somewhat like a retired government clerk. He was sitting apart, now and then sipping from his pot and looking round at the company. He, too, appeared to be in some agitation.
tā shùn lì dì bì kāi liǎo zài lóu tī shàng yǔ zì jǐ de nǚ fáng dōng xiāng yù。 tā nà jiān dǒu shì shì yīzhuàng gāo gāo de wǔ céng lóu fáng ② de dǐng jiān， jiù zài fáng dǐng dǐ xià， yǔ qí shuō xiàng jiān zhù fáng， dǎo bù rú shuō gèng xiàng gè dà chú。 tā xiàng nǚ fáng dōng zū liǎo zhè jiān gōngjǐ huǒ shí、 ér qiě yòu nǚ pú shì hòu de dǒu shì， nǚ fáng dōng jiù zhù zài tā lóu xià yī tào dān dú de zhù fáng lǐ， tā měi cì wài chū， dū yī dìng dé dǎ nǚ fáng dōng de chú fáng mén qián jīng guò， ér chú fáng mén jīhū zǒng shì chòngzhe lóu tī dà chǎng zhe。 měi cì zhè gè nián qīng rén cóng yī bàng zǒu guò de shí hòu， dōuyòu yī zhǒng bìng tài de dǎn qiè de gǎn jué， tā wèicǐ gǎn dào xiū kuì， yú shì zhòu qǐ méi tóu。 tā qiàn liǎo nǚ fáng dōng yī shēn zhài， pà hé tā jiàn miàn。
--------
① jù zuò zhě shuō， xiǎo shuō zhōng de gù shì fā shēng zài yī bā liù wǔ nián， xiǎo shuō zhōng méi yòu míng què shuō míng nián fèn， dàn yòu xiē dì fāng céng yòu suǒ 'àn shì， zhè jù huà jiù shì qí zhōng zhī yī héng héng yī bā liù wǔ nián xià tiān tiān qì tè bié rè。
② yī bā liù liù nián zuò zhě xiě zhè bù xiǎo shuō de shí hòu， zì jǐ jiù zhù zài xiǎo shì mín jiē、 mù jiàng hú tóng yīzhuàng lèi sì de fáng zǐ lǐ。
dǎo bù shì shuō tā shì nà me dǎn xiǎo hé qiè nuò， shèn zhì wán quán xiāng fǎn； dàn cóng mǒu gè shí qī yǐ lái， tā yī zhí chǔyú yī zhǒng hěn róng yì jī dòng hé jǐn zhāng de zhuàng tài。 huàn liǎo duō yí zhèng。 tā shì nà yàng jīng cháng xiàn rù chén sī， lí qún suǒ jū， shèn zhì hài pà jiàn dào rèn hé rén， ér bù dān dān shì pà yǔ nǚ fáng dōng jiàn miàn。 tā ràng pín qióng gěi yā kuǎ liǎo； dàn zuì jìn yī gè shí qī jiù lián jiǒng pò de chǔjìng yě yǐ bù zài shǐ tā gǎn dào kǔ nǎo。 jué duì bì xū de shì qíng tā yǐ jīng bù zài qù zuò， yě bù xiǎng zuò。 qí shí， shénme nǚ fáng dōng tādōu bù pà， bù guǎn tā dǎ suàn zěn yàng gēn tā guò bù qù。 rán 'ér zhàn zài lóu tī shàng， tīng zhè xiē yǔ tā háo bù xiāng gān de rì cháng shēng huó zhōng jī máo suàn pí zhī lèi suǒ shì de zhǒng zhǒng fèi huà， tīng suǒ yòu zhè xiē jiū chán bù xiū de tǎo zhài， wēi xié， bào yuàn， zì jǐ què yào jìn lì shè fǎ bǎi tuō， dào qiàn， sǎ huǎng， héng héng bù， zuì hǎo hái shì xiǎng gè bàn fǎ xiàng māo 'ér yàng cóng lóu tī shàng qiāoqiāo dì guò qù， tōu tōu liù diào， ràng shuí yě bié kàn jiàn tā。
kě shì zhè yī cì， dào liǎo jiē shàng yǐ hòu， nà zhǒng pà yù dào nǚ zhài zhù de kǒng jù xīn lǐ， jiù lián tā zì jǐ yě gǎn dào jīng yà。
“ wǒ zhèng yào xià jué xīn zuò yī jiàn shénme yàng de shì qíng 'ā， dàn què hài pà yī xiē wēi bù zú dào de suǒ shì！” tā xiǎng， liǎn shàng lù chū qí guài de wēi xiào。“ ǹg…… shì de…… shì zài rén wéi má， tā què jǐn jǐn yóu yú dǎn qiè 'ér cuò guò yī qiē…… zhè kě shì míng xiǎn de dào lǐ…… zhēn yòu yì sī， rén men zuì hài pà shénme ní？ tā men zuì hài pà mài chū xīn de yī bù， zuì hài pà zì jǐ de xīn xiǎng fǎ…… bù guò， wǒ shuō kōng huà shuō dé tài duō liǎo。 yīn wéi wǒ jìn shuō kōng huà， suǒ yǐ shénme yě bù zuò。 bù guò， dà gài yě kě néng shì zhè yàng： yóu yú wǒ shénme yě bù zuò， suǒ yǐ cái jìn shuō kōng huà。 wǒ shì zài zuì jìn yī gè yuè lǐ xué huì shuō kōng huà de， zhěng tiān tǎng zài yī gè jiǎo luò lǐ， xiǎng 'ā…… xiǎng rù fēi fēi。 ǹg， xiàn zài wǒ qù gànshénme？ nán dào wǒ néng qù gān zhè gè má？ nán dào zhè shì dàngzhēn？ jué duì bù shì dàngzhēn de。 jiù shì zhè yàng， wèile mèng xiǎng， zì jǐ zài hōng zì jǐ； ér xì！ duì liǎo， dà gài shì 'ér xì！”
jiē shàng rè dé kě pà， ér qiě qì mèn， yōng jǐ bù kān， dào chù dōushì shí huī jiāng、 jiǎo shǒu jià、 zhuān tóu， huī chén， hái yòu nà zhǒng xià tiān de tè shū chòu qì。 měi gè wú fǎ zū yī zuò bié shù de bǐ dé bǎo réndōu nà me shú xī de nà zhǒng chòu qì， héng héng suǒ yòu zhè yī qiē yī xià zǐ jiù lìng rén bù kuài dì zhèn hàn liǎo zhè gè qīng nián rén běn yǐ hěn bù zhèng cháng de shén jīng。 zài chéng shì de zhè yī bù fēn， xiǎo jiǔ guǎn tè bié duō， cóng zhè xiē xiǎo jiǔ guǎn lǐ mào chū de chòu qì， hái yòu nà xiē jìn guǎn shì zài gōng zuò shí jiān， què bù duàn pèng dào de zuì guǐ， gěi zhè fú jiē jǐng tiān shàng liǎo zuì hòu yī bǐ lìng rén yàn 'è de yōu yù sè cǎi。 yòu yī shùn jiān， jí duān yàn 'è de shén qíng zài zhè gè qīng nián rén qīng xiù de miàn páng shàng hū rán yī shǎn。 shùn biàn shuō yī shēng， tā shēng dé hěn měi， yòu yī shuāng piào liàng de hēi yǎn jīng， yī tóu hè sè de tóu fā， bǐ zhōng děng shēn cái hái gāo yī xiē， xiāo shòu 'ér shēn cái yúnchèn。 dàn bù jiǔ tā jiù fǎng fó xiàn rù chén sī， shèn zhì， shuō dé gèng què qiē xiē， sì hū shì xiǎng chū liǎo shén， tā wǎng qián zǒu qù， yǐ jīng bù zhù yì zhōu wéi de yī qiē， ér qiě yě bù xiǎng zhù yì。 tā zhǐ shì 'ǒu 'ěr nán nán zì yǔ， zhè shì yóu yú tā yòu zì yán zì yǔ de xí guàn， duì zhè yī xí guàn， xiàn zài tā yǐ jīng 'àn zì chéng rèn liǎo。 zhè shí tā zì jǐ yě yì shí dào， tā de sī xiǎng yòu shí shì hùn luàn de， ér qiě tā shí fēn xū ruò： yǐ jīng yòu yī tiān duō tā jīhū shénme yě méi chī liǎo。
tā chuān dé nà me chā， rú guǒ huàn yī gè rén， jí shǐ shì duì cǐ yǐ jīng xí yǐ wéi cháng de rén， yī shān rú cǐ lán lǚ， bái tiān shàng jiē yě huì gǎn dào bù hǎo yì sī。 bù guò zhè jiē qū jiù shì zhè yàng de， zài zhè 'ér yī zhù hěn nán ràng rén gǎn dào jīng yà。 zhè 'ér kào jìn gān cǎo guǎng chǎng①， jì yuàn bǐ bǐ jiē shì， ér qiě jūn jí zài bǐ dé bǎo shì zhōng xīn zhè xiē dà jiē xiǎo xiàng lǐ de jū mín， zhù yào shì nà xiē zài chē jiān gànhuó de gōng rén hé shǒu gōng yè gōng jiàng， yīn cǐ yòu shí zài zhè 'ér jiù shì huì yù dào zhè yàng yī xiē rén， shǐ zhè 'ér de jiē jǐng xiǎn dé gèng jiā fēng fù duō cǎi， rú guǒ pèng dào yī gè zhè yàng de rén jiù gǎn dào jīng yà， nà dǎo fǎn 'ér shì guài shì liǎo。 zhè gè nián qīng rén xīn lǐ yǐ jīng jī jù liǎo nà me duō fèn mèn bù píng de nù huǒ， tā miè shì yī qiē， suǒ yǐ jìn guǎn tā yòu qīng nián rén tè yòu de 'ài miàn zǐ xīn lǐ， yòu shí fēi cháng zhù yì xì jié， kě shì chuānzhuó zhè shēn pò làn 'ér wài chū， què sī háo yě bù jué dé bù hǎo yì sī。 yào shì yù jiàn tā gēn běn jiù bù yuàn pèng dào de mǒu xiē shú rén hé yǐ qián de tóng xué， nà jiù shì lìng yī huí shì liǎo…… rán 'ér yòu gè hē dé zuì xūn xūn de rén， bù zhī wèishénme zài zhè shí hòu zuò zài yī liàng dà chē shàng dǎ jiē shàng jīng guò， chē shàng tào zhe yī pǐ lā chē de gāo tóu dà mǎ， yě bù zhī shì yào bǎ tā sòng wǎng nǎ lǐ qù， zhè zuì guǐ cóng yī bàng shǐ guò de shí hòu， tū rán duì zhe tā dà hǎn yī shēng：“ ài， nǐ yā， dé guó zuò mào zǐ de gōng rén！” nà rén yòng shǒu zhǐ zhe tā， chě zhe sǎng zǐ dà hǎn， nián qīng rén tū rán zhàn zhù， jí máng zhuā zhù liǎo zì jǐ de mào zǐ。 zhè dǐng gāo tǒng yuán mào shì cóng qí méi 'ěr màn② mào diàn lǐ mǎi de， bù guò yǐ jīng dài dé shí fēn pò jiù， yán sè dū tuì jìn liǎo， dào chù dōushì pò dòng hé wū jì， méi yòu kuān mào yán， mào tǒng wāi dào liǎo yī biān， shàng miàn zhé chū yī gè guài nán kàn de jiǎo lái。 dàn bù shì xiū kuì， ér wán quán shì lìng yī zhǒng， shèn zhì shì yī zhǒng lèi sì kǒng jù de gǎn jué tū rán xiàng tā xí lái。
--------
① bǐ dé bǎo zuì dà de shì chǎng jiù zài gān cǎo guǎng chǎng shàng。
② qí méi 'ěr màn shì dāng shí bǐ dé bǎo yī jiā zhì mào gōng chǎng hé niè wǎ dà jiē shàng yī jiā mào diàn de lǎo bǎn。
“ wǒ jiù zhī dào！” tā jīng kǒng bù 'ān dì nán nán shuō，“ wǒ jiù zhè me kǎo lǜ guò！ zhè kě shì zuì zāo gāo de liǎo！ zhēn de， bù guǎn shénme yàng de chǔn shì， bù guǎn shénme bù qǐ yǎn de xì jié， dū huì pò huài zhěng gè jìhuà！ shì 'ā， mào zǐ tài róng yì ràng rén jì zhù liǎo…… kě xiào， yīn cǐ jiù róng yì ràng rén jì zhù…… wǒ zhè shēn pò làn 'ér yī dìng dé pèi yī dǐng zhì mào， nǎ pà shì yī dǐng jiān bǐng shì de jiù mào zǐ yě xíng， kě bù néng dài zhè gè nán kàn de guài wán yì 'ér。 shuí yě bù dài zhè yàng de mào zǐ， yī 'é lǐ① yǐ wài jiù huì ràng rén zhù yì dào， jiù huì jì zhù de…… zhù yào de shì， yǐ hòu huì xiǎng qǐ lái， qiáo， zhè jiù shì zuì zhèng。 zhè 'ér xū yào jìn kě néng bù rě rén zhù yì…… xì jié， zhù yào shì xì jié！…… jiù shì zhè xiē xì jié， zǒng shì huì chū wèn tí， huǐ diào yī qiē……”
--------
① yī 'é lǐ děng yú yī · liù gōng lǐ。
tā yòng bù zhe zǒu duō yuǎn； tā shèn zhì zhī dào， cóng tā nà chuáng fáng zǐ de dà mén chū lái yào zǒu duō shǎo bù： zhěng zhěng qī bǎi sān shí bù。 yòu yī cì tā huàn xiǎng dé wán quán chū liǎo shén de shí hòu， céng jīng shù guò。 nà shí tā hái bù xiāng xìn zì jǐ de zhè xiē huàn xiǎng， tā suǒ huàn xiǎng de zhè xiē suī shuō shì méi yòu dào lǐ， rán 'ér què shì shí fēn yòu rén de dà dǎn jìhuà， zhǐ shì huì rě tā shēng qì。 xiàn zài， guò liǎo yī gè yuè yǐ hòu， tā yǐ jīng kāi shǐ yǐ lìng yī zhǒng yǎn guāng lái kàn dài zhè yī qiē liǎo， jìn guǎn tā zǒng shì zì yán zì yǔ， cháo xiào zì jǐ wú néng hé yōu róu guǎ duàn， què bù zhī zěn me shèn zhì bù yóu zì zhù dì yǐ jīng xí guàn yú bǎ zhè“ méi yòu dào lǐ” de huàn xiǎng kàn zuò yī xiàng shì yè liǎo， suī shuō tā réng rán bù xiāng xìn zì jǐ。 xiàn zài tā shèn zhì yào qù wéi wán chéng zì jǐ de zhè yī shì yè jìn xíng shì tàn， měi zǒu yī bù， tā de jī dòng bù 'ān yě yuè lái yuè qiáng liè liǎo。
tā xīn qíng jǐn zhāng， shén jīng zhànlì， zǒu dào yīzhuàng hěn dà de dà fáng zǐ qián， fáng zǐ de yī dǔ qiáng duì zhe yùn hé， lìng yī miàn qiáng chòngzhe × jiē。 zhè chuáng dà fáng zǐ fēn zuò yī tào tào bù dà de zhù zhái， lǐ miàn zhù mǎn liǎo gè xíng gè yè de shǒu yì rén héng héng cái féng、 xiǎo lú jiàng、 chú niàn， xíng xíng sè sè de dé guó rén， jì nǚ， xiǎo guān lì， yǐ jí qí tā hángyè de rén。 jìn jìn chū chū de rén jiù zhè yàng zài fáng zǐ de liǎng dào dà mén hé liǎng gè yuàn zǐ lǐ cōng cōng zǒu guò。 zhè 'ér yòu sān gè、 yào me shì sì gè guǎn yuàn zǐ de。 nà gè nián qīng rén méi pèng dào tā men dāng zhōng de rèn hé yī gè， lì kè wú rén chá jué dì liù jìn dà mén， wǎng yòu yī guǎi， liù shàng liǎo lóu tī， yīn cǐ tā gǎn dào fēi cháng mǎn yì。 lóu tī yòu 'àn， yòu zhǎi， shì“ hòu lóu tī”， dàn shì tā duì zhè yī qiēdōu yǐ jīng liǎo jiě， ér qiě chá kàn guò liǎo， duì zhè zhěng gè huán jìng tādōu shí fēn xǐ huān： zài zhè yàng de hēi 'àn zhōng， jiù lián hàoqí de mù guāng yě bìng bù wēi xiǎn。“ yào shì zhè shí hòu wǒ jiù zhè me hài pà， shuō bù dìng shénme shí hòu， rú guǒ zhēn de yào qù gān nà jiàn shì de huà， yòu huì zěn yàng ní？……” shàng sì lóu de shí hòu， tā bù yóu dé xiǎng。 jǐ gè dāng bān yùn gōng de tuì wǔ shì bīng zài zhè lǐ dǎng zhù liǎo tā de lù， tā men zhèng cóng yī tào zhù zhái lǐ wǎng wài bān jiā jù。 yǐ qián tā yǐ jīng zhī dào， zhè tào zhù zhái lǐ zhù zhe yī gè dài jiā juàn de dé guó rén， shì gè guān lì：“ zhè me shuō， zhè gè dé guó rén xiàn zài bān zǒu liǎo， yīn 'ér sì céng lóu shàng， zhè dào lóu tī hé zhè gè lóu tī píng tái shàng， zài yī duàn shí jiān lǐ jiù zhǐ shèng xià lǎo tài pó de zhù zhái lǐ hái zhù zhe rén。 zhè hǎo jí liǎo…… yǐ fáng wàn yī……” tā yòu xiǎng， bìng qiě lā liǎo lā lǎo tài pó zhù fáng de mén líng。 mén líng xiǎng shēng hěn qīng， hǎo xiàng líng bù shì tóng de， ér shì yòng bái tiě zuò de。 zhè yàng de lóu fáng zhōng yī tào tào zhè zhǒng bù dà de zhù zhái lǐ， jīhū dōushì zhuāng zhe zhè yàng de mén líng。 tā yǐ jīng wàng jì liǎo zhè xiǎo líng chēng de xiǎng shēng， xiàn zài zhè hěn tè bié de xiǎng shēng tū rán ràng tā xiǎng qǐ liǎo shénme， bìng qīng qīng chǔ chǔ dì xiǎng xiàng…… tā měng dì zhànlì liǎo yī xià， zhè yī cì shén jīng zhēn shì tài cuì ruò liǎo。 shāo guò liǎo yī huì 'ér， fáng mén kāi liǎo hěn xiǎo yī dào féng： zhù zài lǐ miàn de nà gè nǚ rén dài zhe míng xiǎn bù xìn rèn de shén qíng cóng mén féng lǐ xì xì dǎliang lái rén， zhǐ néng kàn dào tā nà shuāng zài hēi 'àn zhōng shǎn shǎn fā liàng de xiǎo yǎn jīng。 dàn shì kàn dào lóu tī píng tái shàng yòu bù shǎo rén， tā dǎn zhuàng qǐ lái， yú shì bǎ fáng mén wán quán dǎ kāi liǎo。 nián qīng rén kuà guò mén kǎn， zǒu jìn yòng gé bǎn gé kāi de qián shì， gé bǎn hòu miàn shì yī jiān hěn xiǎo de chú fáng。 lǎo tài pó mò mò dì zhàn zài tā miàn qián， yí wèn dì zhù shì zhe tā。 zhè shì yī gè gān biě de xiǎo lǎo tài pó， liù shí lái suì， yòu yī shuāng mù guāng ruì lì、 shén qíng xiōng 'è de xiǎo yǎn jīng， jiān jiān de xiǎo bí zǐ， guāng zhe tóu， méi bāo tóu jīn。 tā nà xiàng jī tuǐ yàng xì cháng de bó zǐ shàng chán zhe yī kuài fǎ lán róng pò wéi jīn， bié kàn tiān rè， jiān shàng hái pī zhe yī jiàn chuān dé shí fēn pò jiù、 yǐ jīng fā huáng de máo pí nǚ duǎn shàng yī。 lǎo tài pó yī kè bù tíng dì ké sòu， fā chū hū chī hū chī de shēng yīn。 xiǎng bì shì nián qīng rén yòng yì yàng de yǎn guāng kàn liǎo tā yī yǎn， yīn 'ér xiān qián nà zhǒng bù xìn rèn de shén qíng tū rán yòu zài tā yǎn jīng lǐ hū dì yī shǎn。
“ lā sī kē lì ní kē fū， dà xué shēng， yī gè yuè yǐ qián lái guò nín zhè 'ér，” nián qīng rén jí máng hán hán hú hú dì shuō， bìng qiě wēi wēi jū gōng xíng lǐ， yīn wéi tā xiǎng qǐ， yīnggāi kè qì yī xiē。
“ wǒ jì dé， xiān shēng， jì dé hěn qīng chǔ， nín lái guò，” lǎo tài pó qīng qīng chǔ chǔ dì shuō， réng rán méi bǎ zì jǐ yí wèn de mù guāng cóng tā liǎn shàng yí kāi。
“ nà me…… yòu shì wéi zhè shì lái de……” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū jiē zhe shuō， shāo yòu diǎn 'ér jiǒng， bìng qiě wéi lǎo tài pó de bù xìn rèn gǎn dào chà yì。
“ bù guò， yě xǔ tā yī xiàng dōushì zhè yàng， wǒ nà yī cì què méi yòu zhù yì，” tā huái zhe bù yú kuài de xīn qíng xiǎng。
lǎo tài pó chén mò liǎo yī huì 'ér， fǎng fó zài kǎo lǜ， suí hòu tuì dào yī biān， zhǐ zhǐ fáng jiān de mén， ràng kè rén dào qián miàn qù， bìng qiě shuō：
“ qǐng jìn， xiān shēng。”
nián qīng rén jìn qù de nà jiān fáng jiān bìng bù dà， qiáng shàng hú zhe huáng sè de qiáng zhǐ， wū lǐ bǎi zhe tiān zhú kuí， chuāng shàng guà zhe xì shā chuāng lián， zhè shí luò rì de yú huī bǎ wū lǐ zhào dé liàng táng táng de。“ zhè me shuō， nà shí hòu， tài yáng yě huì xiàng zhè yàng zhào zhe！……” zhè xiǎng fǎ fǎng fó wú yì zhōng lüè guò lā sī kē lì ní kē fū de nǎo hǎi， yú shì tā yòng mù guāng cōng cōng dǎliang liǎo yī xià wū lǐ de yī qiē， xiǎng jìn kě néng liǎo jiě bìng jì zhù wū lǐ de bù jú。 bù guò wū lǐ bìng méi yòu rèn hé tè shū de dōng xī。 jiā jù dōuhěn jiù liǎo， dōushì huáng mù zuò de： yī zhāng yòu lǎo dà de wān mù kào bèi de shā fā， shā fā qián bǎi yī zhāng tuǒ yuán xíng de yuán zhuō， chuāng hé mén zhī jiān de qiáng shàng yòu gè dài jìng zǐ de shū zhuāng tái， yán qiáng fàng zhe jǐ bǎ yǐ zǐ， hái yòu liǎng sān fú háo wú jià zhí de tú huà， dū zhuāng zài huáng sè de huà kuàng lǐ， shàng miàn huà zhe jǐ gè shǒu lǐ ná zhe xiǎo niǎo de dé guó xiǎo jiě， héng héng zhè jiù shì quán bù jiā jù。 qiáng jiǎo luò lǐ， bù dà de shén xiàng qián diǎn zhe shén dēng。 yī qiēdōu hěn gān jìng： jiā jù hé dì bǎn dū cā dé fā liàng； yī qiēdōu shǎn shǎn fā guāng。“ lì zhā wēi tǎ zuò de，” nián qīng rén xiǎng。 zhěng tào zhù zhái lǐ xiān chén bù rǎn。“ xiōng 'è de lǎo guǎ fù jiā lǐ cái huì zhè me gān jìng，” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū jì xù 'àn zì sī cǔn， bìng qiě hàoqí dì xié zhe yǎn jīng piǎo liǎo piǎo dì 'èr jiān xiǎo fáng jiān mén qián de yìn huā bù mén lián， nà jiān wū lǐ bǎi zhe lǎo tài pó de chuáng hé yī gè chōu tì guì， tā hái yī cì yě méi cháo nà wū lǐ kàn guò。 zhěng tào zhù zhái jiù zhǐ yòu zhè liǎng jiān fáng jiān。
“ yòu shénme shì 'ā？” lǎo tài pó zǒu jìn wū lái， yán lì dì shuō， réng rán zhèng duì zhe tā zhàn zhe， zhè yàng kě yǐ zhí chǒu zhe tā de liǎn。
“ wǒ ná liǎo yī jiàn dǐ yā pǐn lái， nín qiáo， zhè jiù shì！” shuō zhe tā cóng yī dài lǐ tāo chū yī kuài biǎn píng de jiù yín biǎo。 biǎo de bèi miàn kè zhe yī gè dì qiú yí。 biǎo liàn shì gāng de。
“ yào zhī dào， shàng cì dǐ yā de dōng xī yǐ jīng dào qī liǎo。 hái zài qián tiān jiù chāo guò yī gè yuè liǎo。”
“ wǒ zài gěi nín yī gè yuè de lì xī； qǐng nín kuān xiàn yī xià。”
“ xiān shēng， kuān xiàn jǐ tiān， hái shì zhè huì 'ér jiù bǎ nín de dōng xī mài diào， zhè dū dé yóu wǒ jué dìng。”
“ biǎo kě yǐ dāng duō shǎo qián， ā liào nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà？”
“ xiān shēng， nǐ jìn ná xiē bù zhí qián de dōng xī lái， chàbù duō yī wén bù zhí。 shàng cì nà gè jiè zhǐ gěi liǎo nín liǎng gè lú bù， kě zài shǒu shì shāng nà 'ér， huā yī gè bàn lú bù jiù néng mǎi gè xīn de。”
“ qǐng gěi wǒ sì gè lú bù bā， wǒ yī dìng lái shú， shì wǒ fù qīn de。 wǒ hěn kuài jiù huì dé dào qián liǎo。”
“ yī gè bàn lú bù， lì xī xiān fù， yào shì nín yuàn yì de huà。”
“ yī gè bàn lú bù！” nián qīng rén jiào liǎo qǐ lái。
“ suí nín biàn。” shuō zhe lǎo tài pó bǎ biǎo dì hái gěi tā。 nián qīng rén jiē guò biǎo lái， gǎn dào nà yàng qì fèn， yǐ jīng xiǎng yào zǒu liǎo； dàn lì kè yòu gǎi liǎo zhù yì， yīn wéi tā xiǎng qǐ， zài yě wú chù kě qù， ér qiě tā lái zhè 'ér hái yòu bàng de mùdì。
“ ná lái bā！” tā cū bào dì shuō。
lǎo tài pó shēn shǒu dào yī dài lǐ qù tāo yàoshì， rán hòu zǒu jìn mén lián hòu miàn lìng yī jiān wū lǐ。 zhǐ shèng xià nián qīng rén dú zì yī rén zhàn zài fáng wū zhōng jiān， hàoqí dì cè 'ěr dì tīng， àn zì cāi cè。 kě yǐ tīng dào tā dǎ kāi liǎo chōu tì guì。“ dà gài shì shàng miàn de chōu tì，” tā cāi cè。“ zhè me shuō， tā shì bǎ yàoshì zhuāng zài yòu biān kǒu dài lǐ…… quándōu chuàn chéng yī chuàn， chuàn zài yī gè gāng juàn 'ér shàng…… nà 'ér yòu yī bǎ zuì dà de yàoshì， yòu bàng de sān bèi dà， dài jù chǐ， dāng rán bù shì kāi chōu tì guì de…… kě jiàn hái yòu yī gè xiǎo xiá zǐ， yào me shì gè xiǎo xiāng zǐ…… qiáo， zhè zhēn yòu yì sī。 xiǎo xiāng zǐ dōushì yòng zhè yàng de yàoshì…… bù guò， zhè yī qiē duō me bēi bǐ……”
lǎo tài pó huí lái liǎo。
“ nín qiáo， xiān shēng： jì rán yī gè lú bù yī gè yuè de lì xī shì shí gè gē bǐ， nà me yī gè bàn lú bù gāi shōu nín shí wǔ gè gē bǐ， xiān fù yī gè yuè de lì xī。 shàng cì nà liǎng gè lú bù yě zhào zhè yàng jì suàn， gāi xiān shōu nín 'èr shí gē bǐ。 zhè me shuō， zǒng gòng shì sān shí wǔ gē bǐ。 xiàn zài nín zhè kuài biǎo， zǒng gòng hái gāi gěi nín yī lú bù shí wǔ gē bǐ。 zhè bù shì， qǐng shōu xià bā。”
“ zěn me！ xiàn zài jiù zhǐ yòu yī lú bù shí wǔ gē bǐ liǎo！”
“ zhèng shì zhè yàng。”
nián qīng rén méi yòu zhēng lùn， jiē guò liǎo qián。 tā chǒu zhe lǎo tài pó， bìng bù jí yú chū qù， sì hū tā hái xiǎng shuō diǎn 'ér shénme， yào me shì zuò diǎn 'ér shénme， dàn hǎo xiàng tā zì jǐ yě bù zhī dào， dào dǐ yào gànshénme……
“ ā liào nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà， yě xǔ， jiù zài zhè jǐ tiān lǐ， wǒ hái yào gěi nín ná yī yàng dōng xī lái…… yín de…… hěn jīng zhì de…… yān hé…… zhǐ děng wǒ cóng péng yǒu nà lǐ qǔ huí lái……” tā fā jiǒng liǎo， yú shì zhù liǎo shēng。
“ hǎo， dào nà shí zài shuō bā， xiān shēng。”
“ zài jiàn…… nín zǒng shì yī gè rén zài jiā？ mèi mèi bù zài má？” tā dào qián shì qù de shí hòu， jìn kě néng suí suí biàn biàn dì wèn。
“ xiān shēng， nín wèn tā gànshénme？”
“ ā， méi shí me。 wǒ bù guò zhè me wèn wèn。 nín xiàn zài zhēn shì…… ā liào nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà！”
lā sī kē lì ní kē fū cóng wū lǐ chū lái shí yǐ jīng shí fēn xīn huāng yì luàn。 zhè bù 'ān de xīn qíng yuè lái yuè qiáng liè liǎo。 xià lóu shí tā shèn zhì yòu hǎo jǐ cì tíng liǎo xià lái， fǎng fó yòu shénme shì qíng shǐ tā tū rán chī liǎo yī jīng。 zuì hòu， yǐ jīng dào liǎo jiē shàng de shí hòu， tā jī dòng dì shuō：
“ ō， tiān nǎ！ zhè yī qiē duō me lìng rén yàn 'è！ nán dào， nán dào wǒ…… bù！ zhè shì wú jī zhī tán， zhè shì huāng miù jué lún！” tā yì rán jué rán dì jiā shàng jǐ jù。
“ nán dào wǒ de tóu nǎo lǐ huì chū xiàn zhè yàng kě pà de xiǎng fǎ？ wǒ de liáng xīn jìng néng yǔn xǔ gān zhè zhǒng 'āng zàng de shì qíng！ zhù yào de shì： āng zàng， bēi wū， è liè， è liè！……
ér wǒ， zhěng zhěng yī gè yuè……”
dàn shì tā jì bù néng yòng yán cí、 yě bù néng yòng gǎn tàn lái biǎo dá zì jǐ de jī dòng yǔ bù 'ān。 hái zài tā gāng gāng qù lǎo tài pó nà 'ér de shí hòu jiù kāi shǐ shǐ tā gǎn dào yā yì hé bù 'ān de jí duān yàn 'è de xīn qíng， xiàn zài yǐ jīng dá dào zhè zhǒng chéng dù， ér qiě biàn dé shí fēn míng xiǎn， yǐ zhì tā bù zhī gāi duǒ dào nǎ lǐ qù， cái néng táo bì zì jǐ de yōu chóu。 tā xiàng hē zuì liǎo sì dì zài rén hángdào shàng zǒu zhe， kàn bù jiàn lù shàng de xíng rén， lǎo shì huì zhuàng dào tā men， qīng xǐng guò lái de shí hòu， yǐ jīng dào liǎo lìng yī tiáo jiē shàng。 tā huán gù sì zhōu， fā jué zì jǐ zhàn zài yī jiā xiǎo jiǔ guǎn bàng， yào jìn jiǔ guǎn， dé cóng rén hángdào shùn zhe lóu tī wǎng xià， dào dì xià shì qù。 jiù zài zhè shí， qià hǎo cóng mén lǐ zǒu chū liǎng gè zuì xūn xūn de rén lái， tā men hù xiāng chān fú zhe， zuǐ lǐ bù gān bù jìng dì mà zhe， shùn zhe lóu tī pá dào jiē shàng。 lā sī kē lì ní kē fū méi xiǎng duō jiǔ， lì kè jiù xià qù liǎo。 zài cǐ yǐ qián tā cóng wèi jìn guò jiǔ guǎn， dàn shì xiàn zài tā gǎn dào tóu hūn， jiā yǐ huǒ shāo huǒ liáo de gān kě zhèng zài zhé mó zhe tā。 tā xiǎng hē diǎn 'ér bīng lěng de pí jiǔ， ér qiě tā bǎ zì jǐ tū rán gǎn dào de xū ruò guī jiù yú jī 'è。 tā zuò dào yòu 'àn yòu zàng de jiǎo luò lǐ yī zhāng fā nián de xiǎo zhuō bàng biān， yào liǎo pí jiǔ， tān lán dì hē gān liǎo dì yī bēi。 lì kè yī qiēdōu xiāo shī liǎo， tā de sī xiǎng yě qīng xī liǎo。“ zhè yī qiēdōu shì hú shuō bā dào，” tā mǎn huái xī wàng dì shuō，“ zhè 'ér méi yòu shénme kě yǐ gǎn dào bù 'ān de！ zhǐ bù guò shì shēn tǐ bù shū fú， shì yī zhǒng bìng tài！ zhǐ yào yī bēi pí jiǔ， yī xiǎo kuài gān miàn bāo， héng héng qiáo， zhuǎn shùn jiān jiù biàn dé jiān qiáng qǐ lái， sī xiǎng qīng chǔ liǎo， yì xiàng yě jiān dìng liǎo！ pēi！ zhè yī qiē shì duō me wēi bù zú dào！……” dàn jìn guǎn tā qīng miè dì cuì liǎo yī kǒu tuò mò， tā què yǐ jīng gāo xīng qǐ lái， fǎng fó tū rán bǎi tuō liǎo mǒu zhǒng kě pà de chén zhòng fù dān， bìng qiě mù guāng yǒu hǎo dì sǎo shì liǎo yī xià zài zuò de rén。 bù guò jiù shì zài zhè shí hòu， tā yě yǐn yǐn yuē yuē yù gǎn dào， zhè zhǒng yī qiēdōu wǎng hǎo chù xiǎng de lè guān tài dù yě shì yī zhǒng bìng tài。
zhè shí xiǎo jiǔ guǎn lǐ shèng xià de rén yǐ jīng bù duō liǎo。 chú liǎo zài lóu tī shàng pèng dào guò de nà liǎng gè zuì guǐ， yòu yòu chǎo chǎo rǎng rǎng de yī qún rén gēn zhe tā men zǒu liǎo chū qù， tā men zhè yī huǒ yuē mō yòu wǔ、 liù gè rén， qí zhōng yòu yī gè gū niàn， hái dài zhe yī jià shǒu fēng qín。 tā men zǒu liǎo yǐ hòu， biàn dé jìng qiǎo qiǎo、 kōng dàng dàng de。 shèng xià de rén zhōng yòu yī gè yǐ jīng zuì liǎo， bù guò zuì dé bìng bù lì hài， zuò zài bǎi zhe pí jiǔ de zhuō biān， kàn yàng zǐ shì gè xiǎo shì mín； tā de tóng bàn shì gè pàng zǐ， shēn cái kuí wú， chuān yī jiàn shù lǐng dǎ xí de xì yāo duǎn ní shàng yī， xù yī bù huā bái de dà hú zǐ， yǐ jīng hē dé mǐng dǐng dà zuì， zhèng zuò zài cháng dèng shàng dǎ kē shuì， yòu shí tū rán sì hū bàn shuì bàn xǐng， shēn kāi shuāng shǒu， kāi shǐ yòng shǒu zhǐ dǎ fěi zǐ， tā bìng méi yòu cóng cháng dèng shàng zhàn qǐ lái， shàng shēn què bù shí wǎng shàng dòng yī dòng， ér qiě zài hú luàn hēng zhe yī shǒu shénme gēqǔ， jié lì xiǎng jì qǐ gē cí， hǎo xiàng shì：
zhěng zhěng yī nián wǒ hé qī zǐ qīn qīn rè rè，
zhěng héng héng zhěng yī nián wǒ hé qī héng héng zǐ qīn qīn héng héng rè rè……
yào me shì tū rán xǐng lái， yòu chàng dào：
wǒ qù bō jì yà qì dà jiē xián guàng，
zhǎo dào liǎo zì jǐ cóng qián de pó niàn……
dàn shuí yě bù fēn xiǎng tā de xìng fú； tā nà gè chén mò guǎ yán de huǒ bàn duì zhè xiē gǎn qíng bào fā shèn zhì bào yòu dí yì， ér qiě chí huái yí tài dù。 nà 'ér hái yòu yī gè rén， kàn yàng zǐ hǎo xiàng shì gè tuì zhí de guān lì。 tā miàn duì zì jǐ de jiǔ bēi， dān dú zuò zài yī zhāng zhuō zǐ bàng biān， yòu shí hē yī kǒu jiǔ， bìng xiàng sì zhōu kàn kàn。 tā sì hū yě yòu diǎn 'ér jī dòng bù 'ān。
He had successfully avoided meeting his landlady on the staircase. His garret was under the roof of a high, five-storied house and was more like a cupboard than a room. The landlady who provided him with garret, dinners, and attendance, lived on the floor below, and every time he went out he was obliged to pass her kitchen, the door of which invariably stood open. And each time he passed, the young man had a sick, frightened feeling, which made him scowl and feel ashamed. He was hopelessly in debt to his landlady, and was afraid of meeting her.
This was not because he was cowardly and abject, quite the contrary; but for some time past he had been in an overstrained irritable condition, verging on hypochondria. He had become so completely absorbed in himself, and isolated from his fellows that he dreaded meeting, not only his landlady, but anyone at all. He was crushed by poverty, but the anxieties of his position had of late ceased to weigh upon him. He had given up attending to matters of practical importance; he had lost all desire to do so. Nothing that any landlady could do had a real terror for him. But to be stopped on the stairs, to be forced to listen to her trivial, irrelevant gossip, to pestering demands for payment, threats and complaints, and to rack his brains for excuses, to prevaricate, to lie--no, rather than that, he would creep down the stairs like a cat and slip out unseen.
This evening, however, on coming out into the street, he became acutely aware of his fears.
"I want to attempt a thing /like that/ and am frightened by these trifles," he thought, with an odd smile. "Hm . . . yes, all is in a man's hands and he lets it all slip from cowardice, that's an axiom. It would be interesting to know what it is men are most afraid of. Taking a new step, uttering a new word is what they fear most. . . . But I am talking too much. It's because I chatter that I do nothing. Or perhaps it is that I chatter because I do nothing. I've learned to chatter this last month, lying for days together in my den thinking . . . of Jack the Giant-killer. Why am I going there now? Am I capable of /that/? Is /that/ serious? It is not serious at all. It's simply a fantasy to amuse myself; a plaything! Yes, maybe it is a plaything."
The heat in the street was terrible: and the airlessness, the bustle and the plaster, scaffolding, bricks, and dust all about him, and that special Petersburg stench, so familiar to all who are unable to get out of town in summer--all worked painfully upon the young man's already overwrought nerves. The insufferable stench from the pot- houses, which are particularly numerous in that part of the town, and the drunken men whom he met continually, although it was a working day, completed the revolting misery of the picture. An expression of the profoundest disgust gleamed for a moment in the young man's refined face. He was, by the way, exceptionally handsome, above the average in height, slim, well-built, with beautiful dark eyes and dark brown hair. Soon he sank into deep thought, or more accurately speaking into a complete blankness of mind; he walked along not observing what was about him and not caring to observe it. From time to time, he would mutter something, from the habit of talking to himself, to which he had just confessed. At these moments he would become conscious that his ideas were sometimes in a tangle and that he was very weak; for two days he had scarcely tasted food.
He was so badly dressed that even a man accustomed to shabbiness would have been ashamed to be seen in the street in such rags. In that quarter of the town, however, scarcely any shortcoming in dress would have created surprise. Owing to the proximity of the Hay Market, the number of establishments of bad character, the preponderance of the trading and working class population crowded in these streets and alleys in the heart of Petersburg, types so various were to be seen in the streets that no figure, however queer, would have caused surprise. But there was such accumulated bitterness and contempt in the young man's heart, that, in spite of all the fastidiousness of youth, he minded his rags least of all in the street. It was a different matter when he met with acquaintances or with former fellow students, whom, indeed, he disliked meeting at any time. And yet when a drunken man who, for some unknown reason, was being taken somewhere in a huge waggon dragged by a heavy dray horse, suddenly shouted at him as he drove past: "Hey there, German hatter" bawling at the top of his voice and pointing at him--the young man stopped suddenly and clutched tremulously at his hat. It was a tall round hat from Zimmerman's, but completely worn out, rusty with age, all torn and bespattered, brimless and bent on one side in a most unseemly fashion. Not shame, however, but quite another feeling akin to terror had overtaken him.
"I knew it," he muttered in confusion, "I thought so! That's the worst of all! Why, a stupid thing like this, the most trivial detail might spoil the whole plan. Yes, my hat is too noticeable. . . . It looks absurd and that makes it noticeable. . . . With my rags I ought to wear a cap, any sort of old pancake, but not this grotesque thing. Nobody wears such a hat, it would be noticed a mile off, it would be remembered. . . . What matters is that people would remember it, and that would give them a clue. For this business one should be as little conspicuous as possible. . . . Trifles, trifles are what matter! Why, it's just such trifles that always ruin everything. . . ."
He had not far to go; he knew indeed how many steps it was from the gate of his lodging house: exactly seven hundred and thirty. He had counted them once when he had been lost in dreams. At the time he had put no faith in those dreams and was only tantalising himself by their hideous but daring recklessness. Now, a month later, he had begun to look upon them differently, and, in spite of the monologues in which he jeered at his own impotence and indecision, he had involuntarily come to regard this "hideous" dream as an exploit to be attempted, although he still did not realise this himself. He was positively going now for a "rehearsal" of his project, and at every step his excitement grew more and more violent.
With a sinking heart and a nervous tremor, he went up to a huge house which on one side looked on to the canal, and on the other into the street. This house was let out in tiny tenements and was inhabited by working people of all kinds--tailors, locksmiths, cooks, Germans of sorts, girls picking up a living as best they could, petty clerks, etc. There was a continual coming and going through the two gates and in the two courtyards of the house. Three or four door-keepers were employed on the building. The young man was very glad to meet none of them, and at once slipped unnoticed through the door on the right, and up the staircase. It was a back staircase, dark and narrow, but he was familiar with it already, and knew his way, and he liked all these surroundings: in such darkness even the most inquisitive eyes were not to be dreaded.
"If I am so scared now, what would it be if it somehow came to pass that I were really going to do it?" he could not help asking himself as he reached the fourth storey. There his progress was barred by some porters who were engaged in moving furniture out of a flat. He knew that the flat had been occupied by a German clerk in the civil service, and his family. This German was moving out then, and so the fourth floor on this staircase would be untenanted except by the old woman. "That's a good thing anyway," he thought to himself, as he rang the bell of the old woman's flat. The bell gave a faint tinkle as though it were made of tin and not of copper. The little flats in such houses always have bells that ring like that. He had forgotten the note of that bell, and now its peculiar tinkle seemed to remind him of something and to bring it clearly before him. . . . He started, his nerves were terribly overstrained by now. In a little while, the door was opened a tiny crack: the old woman eyed her visitor with evident distrust through the crack, and nothing could be seen but her little eyes, glittering in the darkness. But, seeing a number of people on the landing, she grew bolder, and opened the door wide. The young man stepped into the dark entry, which was partitioned off from the tiny kitchen. The old woman stood facing him in silence and looking inquiringly at him. She was a diminutive, withered up old woman of sixty, with sharp malignant eyes and a sharp little nose. Her colourless, somewhat grizzled hair was thickly smeared with oil, and she wore no kerchief over it. Round her thin long neck, which looked like a hen's leg, was knotted some sort of flannel rag, and, in spite of the heat, there hung flapping on her shoulders, a mangy fur cape, yellow with age. The old woman coughed and groaned at every instant. The young man must have looked at her with a rather peculiar expression, for a gleam of mistrust came into her eyes again.
"Raskolnikov, a student, I came here a month ago," the young man made haste to mutter, with a half bow, remembering that he ought to be more polite.
"I remember, my good sir, I remember quite well your coming here," the old woman said distinctly, still keeping her inquiring eyes on his face.
"And here . . . I am again on the same errand," Raskolnikov continued, a little disconcerted and surprised at the old woman's mistrust. "Perhaps she is always like that though, only I did not notice it the other time," he thought with an uneasy feeling.
The old woman paused, as though hesitating; then stepped on one side, and pointing to the door of the room, she said, letting her visitor pass in front of her:
"Step in, my good sir."
The little room into which the young man walked, with yellow paper on the walls, geraniums and muslin curtains in the windows, was brightly lighted up at that moment by the setting sun.
"So the sun will shine like this /then/ too!" flashed as it were by chance through Raskolnikov's mind, and with a rapid glance he scanned everything in the room, trying as far as possible to notice and remember its arrangement. But there was nothing special in the room. The furniture, all very old and of yellow wood, consisted of a sofa with a huge bent wooden back, an oval table in front of the sofa, a dressing-table with a looking-glass fixed on it between the windows, chairs along the walls and two or three half-penny prints in yellow frames, representing German damsels with birds in their hands--that was all. In the corner a light was burning before a small ikon. Everything was very clean; the floor and the furniture were brightly polished; everything shone.
"Lizaveta's work," thought the young man. There was not a speck of dust to be seen in the whole flat.
"It's in the houses of spiteful old widows that one finds such cleanliness," Raskolnikov thought again, and he stole a curious glance at the cotton curtain over the door leading into another tiny room, in which stood the old woman's bed and chest of drawers and into which he had never looked before. These two rooms made up the whole flat.
"What do you want?" the old woman said severely, coming into the room and, as before, standing in front of him so as to look him straight in the face.
"I've brought something to pawn here," and he drew out of his pocket an old-fashioned flat silver watch, on the back of which was engraved a globe; the chain was of steel.
"But the time is up for your last pledge. The month was up the day before yesterday."
"I will bring you the interest for another month; wait a little."
"But that's for me to do as I please, my good sir, to wait or to sell your pledge at once."
"How much will you give me for the watch, Alyona Ivanovna?"
"You come with such trifles, my good sir, it's scarcely worth anything. I gave you two roubles last time for your ring and one could buy it quite new at a jeweler's for a rouble and a half."
"Give me four roubles for it, I shall redeem it, it was my father's. I shall be getting some money soon."
"A rouble and a half, and interest in advance, if you like!"
"A rouble and a half!" cried the young man.
"Please yourself"--and the old woman handed him back the watch. The young man took it, and was so angry that he was on the point of going away; but checked himself at once, remembering that there was nowhere else he could go, and that he had had another object also in coming.
"Hand it over," he said roughly.
The old woman fumbled in her pocket for her keys, and disappeared behind the curtain into the other room. The young man, left standing alone in the middle of the room, listened inquisitively, thinking. He could hear her unlocking the chest of drawers.
"It must be the top drawer," he reflected. "So she carries the keys in a pocket on the right. All in one bunch on a steel ring. . . . And there's one key there, three times as big as all the others, with deep notches; that can't be the key of the chest of drawers . . . then there must be some other chest or strong-box . . . that's worth knowing. Strong-boxes always have keys like that . . . but how degrading it all is."
The old woman came back.
"Here, sir: as we say ten copecks the rouble a month, so I must take fifteen copecks from a rouble and a half for the month in advance. But for the two roubles I lent you before, you owe me now twenty copecks on the same reckoning in advance. That makes thirty-five copecks altogether. So I must give you a rouble and fifteen copecks for the watch. Here it is."
"What! only a rouble and fifteen copecks now!"
"Just so."
The young man did not dispute it and took the money. He looked at the old woman, and was in no hurry to get away, as though there was still something he wanted to say or to do, but he did not himself quite know what.
"I may be bringing you something else in a day or two, Alyona Ivanovna --a valuable thing--silver--a cigarette-box, as soon as I get it back from a friend . . ." he broke off in confusion.
"Well, we will talk about it then, sir."
"Good-bye--are you always at home alone, your sister is not here with you?" He asked her as casually as possible as he went out into the passage.
"What business is she of yours, my good sir?"
"Oh, nothing particular, I simply asked. You are too quick. . . . Good-day, Alyona Ivanovna."
Raskolnikov went out in complete confusion. This confusion became more and more intense. As he went down the stairs, he even stopped short, two or three times, as though suddenly struck by some thought. When he was in the street he cried out, "Oh, God, how loathsome it all is! and can I, can I possibly. . . . No, it's nonsense, it's rubbish!" he added resolutely. "And how could such an atrocious thing come into my head? What filthy things my heart is capable of. Yes, filthy above all, disgusting, loathsome, loathsome!--and for a whole month I've been. . . ." But no words, no exclamations, could express his agitation. The feeling of intense repulsion, which had begun to oppress and torture his heart while he was on his way to the old woman, had by now reached such a pitch and had taken such a definite form that he did not know what to do with himself to escape from his wretchedness. He walked along the pavement like a drunken man, regardless of the passers-by, and jostling against them, and only came to his senses when he was in the next street. Looking round, he noticed that he was standing close to a tavern which was entered by steps leading from the pavement to the basement. At that instant two drunken men came out at the door, and abusing and supporting one another, they mounted the steps. Without stopping to think, Raskolnikov went down the steps at once. Till that moment he had never been into a tavern, but now he felt giddy and was tormented by a burning thirst. He longed for a drink of cold beer, and attributed his sudden weakness to the want of food. He sat down at a sticky little table in a dark and dirty corner; ordered some beer, and eagerly drank off the first glassful. At once he felt easier; and his thoughts became clear.
"All that's nonsense," he said hopefully, "and there is nothing in it all to worry about! It's simply physical derangement. Just a glass of beer, a piece of dry bread--and in one moment the brain is stronger, the mind is clearer and the will is firm! Phew, how utterly petty it all is!"
But in spite of this scornful reflection, he was by now looking cheerful as though he were suddenly set free from a terrible burden: and he gazed round in a friendly way at the people in the room. But even at that moment he had a dim foreboding that this happier frame of mind was also not normal.
There were few people at the time in the tavern. Besides the two drunken men he had met on the steps, a group consisting of about five men and a girl with a concertina had gone out at the same time. Their departure left the room quiet and rather empty. The persons still in the tavern were a man who appeared to be an artisan, drunk, but not extremely so, sitting before a pot of beer, and his companion, a huge, stout man with a grey beard, in a short full-skirted coat. He was very drunk: and had dropped asleep on the bench; every now and then, he began as though in his sleep, cracking his fingers, with his arms wide apart and the upper part of his body bounding about on the bench, while he hummed some meaningless refrain, trying to recall some such lines as these:
"His wife a year he fondly loved His wife a--a year he--fondly loved."
Or suddenly waking up again:
"Walking along the crowded row He met the one he used to know."
But no one shared his enjoyment: his silent companion looked with positive hostility and mistrust at all these manifestations. There was another man in the room who looked somewhat like a retired government clerk. He was sitting apart, now and then sipping from his pot and looking round at the company. He, too, appeared to be in some agitation.
lā sī kē lì ní kē fū bù guàn yú yǔ rén lái wǎng， ér qiě zhèng xiàng yǐ jīng shuō guò de， tā zǒng shì táo bì yī qiē jiāo jì yìng chóu， tè bié shì zuì jìn yī gè shí qī。 dàn xiàn zài bù zhī shì shénme tū rán shǐ tā xiǎng gēn rén jiē chù liǎo。 tā xīn lǐ sì hū chǎn shēng liǎo mǒu zhǒng xīn xiǎng fǎ， tóng shí gǎn dào kě wàng yǔ rén jiāo wǎng。 zhěng zhěng yī gè yuè dú zì rěn shòu qiáng liè de yōu chóu， jīng shòu xīn qíng yōu yù jǐn zhāng de zhé mó， tā yǐ jīng gǎn dào rú cǐ pí juàn， yīn cǐ xī wàng， nǎ pà zhǐ shì yī fēn zhōng yě hǎo， néng zài lìng yī gè shì jiè lǐ chuǎn yī kǒu qì， suí biàn zài shénme yàng de huán jìng lǐ dōukě yǐ， yīn cǐ jìn guǎn zhè lǐ 'āng zàng bù kān， xiàn zài tā hái shì hěn gāo xīng dài zài xiǎo jiǔ guǎn lǐ。
jiǔ guǎn de lǎo bǎn dài zài lìng yī jiān wū lǐ， bù guò cháng cóng nà 'ér zǒu xià jǐ jí tái jiē， jìn rù zhè jiān zhù yào de diàn táng， ér qiě shǒu xiān ràng rén kàn dào de zǒng shì tā nà shuāng yòu hóng sè dà fān kǒu、 chá liǎo yī céng yóu de shí máo xuē zǐ。 tā chuān yī jiàn yāo bù dǎ xí de cháng wài yī hé yī jiàn yóu jì bān bó de hēi duàn zǐ kǎn jiān， méi dǎ lǐng dài， mǎn liǎn shàng sì hū dū chá liǎo yóu， jiù xiàng gěi tiě suǒ shàng yóu yī yàng。 guì tái hòu zhàn zhe yī gè shí sān、 sì suì de xiǎo nán hái， hái yòu gè nián jì gèng xiǎo de nán hái zǐ， yòu rén yào jiǔ shí， tā jiù gěi sòng qù。 bǎi zhe qiē suì de huáng guā， hēi miàn bāo gān， qiē chéng yī kuài kuài de yú； zhè yī qiēdōu yòu yī gǔ nán wén de qì wèi。 yòu mèn yòu rè， zuò zài zhè lǐ jiǎn zhí ràng rén shòu bù liǎo， ér qiě yī qiēdōu shèn tòu liǎo jiǔ wèi， sì hū dān wén wén zhè 'ér de kōng qì， bù xiāo wǔ fēn zhōng jiù huì gěi xūn dé xūn xūn dà zuì。
yòu shí huì pèng dào zhè yàng yī xiē rén， wǒ men hé tā men shèn zhì sù bù xiāng shí， dàn bù zhī zěn de， lián yī jù huà dū hái méi shuō， què tū rán yī xià zǐ， gāng yī jiàn miàn jiù yǐn qǐ wǒ men de xīng qù。 nà gè zuò dé shāo yuǎn、 hǎo xiàng tuì zhí guān lì de kè rén， jiù zhèng shì ràng lā sī kē lì ní kē fū chǎn shēng liǎo zhè yàng de yìn xiàng。 yǐ hòu zhè nián qīng rén bù zhǐ yī cì huí xiǎng qǐ zhè dì yī cì yìn xiàng， shèn zhì rèn wéi zhè shì yóu yù gǎn zào chéng de。 tā bù duàn dì dǎliang nà gè guān lì， dāng rán， zhè yě shì yīn wéi nà rén yě zài yī gè jìn 'ér dì chǒu zhe tā， ér qiě kàn dé chū lái， nà rén hěn xiǎng kāi kǒu gēn tā shuō huà。 duì jiǔ guǎn lǐ qí yú de rén， bāo kuò lǎo bǎn zài nèi， nà guān lì què bù zhī zěn dì sì hū zǎo yǐ jīng kàn guàn liǎo， shèn zhì gǎn dào wú liáo， ér qiě dài yòu mǒu zhǒng 'ào màn de miǎo shì yì wèi， jiù xiàng duì dài shè huì dì wèi hé wén huà chéng dù dōuhěn dī de rén men nà yàng， jué dé gēn tā men gēn běn wú huà kě tán。 zhè shì yī gè yǐ jīng nián guò bàn bǎi de rén， zhōng děng shēn cái， tǐ gé jiàn zhuàng， bìn yòu báifà， tóu dǐng shàng tū liǎo lǎo dà yī kuài， yóu yú jīng cháng xù jiǔ， fú zhǒng de huáng liǎn shèn zhì yòu diǎn 'ér fā lǜ， shāo wēi zhǒng zhàng de yǎn pí dǐ xià， yī shuāng xì dé xiàng liǎng tiáo xì féng、 rán 'ér hěn yòu jīng shén、 wēi wēi fā hóng de xiǎo yǎn jīng jiǒng jiǒng fā guāng。 dàn tā shēn shàng yòu mǒu zhǒng hěn qí guài de xiàn xiàng； tā de mù guāng lǐ liú lù chū shèn zhì fǎng fó shì xīng gāo cǎi liè de shén qíng， héng héng kàn lái， jì yòu lǐ xìng， yòu yòu zhì huì， héng héng dàn tóng shí yòu yǐn yuē xiǎn shì chū fēng kuáng de jì xiàng。 tā chuān yī jiàn yǐ jīng wán quán pò pò làn làn de hēi sè jiù yàn wěi fú， niǔ kòu jīhū dū diào guāng liǎo。 zhǐ yòu yī kē hái miǎnqiǎng lián zài shàng miàn， tā jiù shì yòng zhè kē niǔ kòu bǎ yī fú kòu shàng， kàn lái shì xī wàng bǎo chí tǐ miàn。 huáng tǔ bù kǎn jiān xià lù chū zhòu dé bù xiàng yàng zǐ、 wū jì bān bān de zàng xiōng yī。 hé suǒ yòu guān yuán yī yàng， tā méi liú hú zǐ， bù guò liǎn yǐ jīng guā guò hěn jiǔ liǎo， suǒ yǐ yǐ jīng kāi shǐ cháng chū liǎo nóng mì de、 huī lán sè de hú zǐ chá。 ér qiě tā de xíng wéi jǔ zhǐ dàngzhēn dōuyòu yī zhǒng guān yuán men suǒ tè yòu de zhuāng zhòng fēng dù。 dàn shì tā xiǎn dé fán zào bù 'ān， bǎ tóu fā nòng dé luàn péng péng de， yòu shí shén qíng yōu yù， bǎ xiù zǐ yǐ jīng mó pò de gēbo zhǒu chēng zài hěn zàng 'ér qiě nián dā dā de zhuō zǐ shàng， yòng shuāng shǒu tuō zhe nǎo dài。 zuì hòu， tā zhí duì zhe lā sī kē lì ní kē fū kàn liǎo yī yǎn， gāo shēng 'ér jiān jué dì shuō：
“ wǒ de xiān shēng， shù wǒ mào mèi， bù zhī néng fǒu yǔ nín pān tán jǐ jù？ yīn wéi suī rán nín yī zhù bìng bù kǎo jiū， dàn píng wǒ de jīng yàn què néng kàn chū， nín shì yī wèi shòu guò jiào yù de rén， yě bù cháng hē jiǔ。 wǒ yī xiàng zūn zhòng shòu guò jiào yù 'ér qiě zhēn xīn chéng yì de rén， chú cǐ 'ér wài， wǒ hái shì gè jiǔ děng wén guān① ní。 mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū héng héng zhè shì wǒ de xìng； jiǔ děng wén guān。 shù wǒ mào mèi， qǐng wèn nín zài gōng zuò má？”
--------
① yī qī 'èr 'èr nián bǐ dé dà dì zhì dìng“ děng jí biǎo”， suǒ yòu wén wǔ guān yuán fēn wéi shí sì děng， yī děng zuì gāo， shí sì děng zuì dī。 jiǔ děng wén guān xiāng dāng yú dà wèi。
“ bù， wǒ zài qiú xué……” qīng nián rén huí dá。 tā gǎn dào jīng yà， zhè yòu yī bù fēn shì yóu yú duì fāng shuō huà de yǔ qì tè bié jiáo róu zào zuò， yě yóu yú tā jìng shì nà me zhí jié liǎo dāng dì hé tā shuō huà。 jìn guǎn bù jiǔ qián yòu nà me duǎn zàn de shùn jiān tā xiǎng yǔ rén jiāo wǎng， bù guǎn shì shénme yàng de jiāo wǎng dōuhǎo， dàn dāng zhēn yòu rén hé tā shuō huà shí， cái tīng dào dì yī jù huà， tā jiù yòu tū rán gǎn dào yàn 'è hé nǎo nù liǎo， héng héng duì suǒ yòu yǔ tā jiē chù、 huò xiǎng yào hé tā jiē chù de rén， tōng cháng tādōu huì chǎn shēng zhè zhǒng yàn 'è hé nǎo nù de xīn qíng。
“ nà me shuō， shì dà xué shēng liǎo， huò zhě yǐ qián shì dà xué shēng！” guān lì gāo shēng shuō，“ wǒ jiù shì zhè yàng xiǎng de！ jīng yàn má， xiān shēng， lǚ shì bù shuǎng de jīng yàn liǎo！” bìng qiě zì wǒ chuī shī dì bǎ yī gēn shǒu zhǐ 'àn zài qián 'é shàng。“ yǐ qián shì dà xué shēng， huò zhě gǎo guò xué shù yán jiū！ duì bù qǐ……” tā qiàn qǐ shēn lái， yáo huàng liǎo yī xià， ná qǐ zì jǐ de jiǔ hú hé jiǔ bēi， zuò dào qīng nián rén bàng biān， shāo yòu diǎn 'ér xié duì zhe tā。 tā hē zuì liǎo， bù guò réng rán jiàn tán， shuō huà yě hěn liú lì， zhǐ shì 'ǒu 'ěr yòu de dì fāng qián yán bù dā hòu yǔ， ér qiě luó lǐ luó suō。 tā shèn zhì nà yàng jíqiè dì kě wàng yǔ lā sī kē lì ní kē fū jiāo tán， hǎo xiàng yòu zhěng zhěng yī gè yuè méi gēn rén shuō guò huà shìde。
“ xiān shēng，” tā jīhū shì zhèng zhòng qí shì dì kāi shǐ shuō，“ pín qióng bù shì zuì 'è， zhè shì zhēn lǐ。 wǒ zhī dào， xù jiǔ bù shì měi dé， zhè gèng shì zhēn lǐ。 kě shì chì pín， xiān shēng， chì pín què shì zuì 'è。 pín qióng de shí hòu， nín hái néng bǎo chí zì jǐ tiān shēng gǎn qíng de gāo shàng qì dù， zài chì pín de qíng kuàng xià， què wú lùn shénme shí hòu， wú lùn shénme réndōu zuò bù dào。 wèile chì pín， shèn zhì bù shì bǎ rén yòng gùn zǐ gǎn zǒu， ér shì ná sǎo zhǒu bǎ tā cóng rén lèi shè huì lǐ qīng sǎo chū qù， ràng tā shòu gèng dà de； ér qiě zhè shì gōng zhèng de， yīn wéi zài chì pín de qíng kuàng xià， wǒ zì jǐ shǒu xiān jiù zhǔn bèi zì jǐ。 yú shì jiù zhǎo dào liǎo jiǔ！ xiān shēng， yī gè yuè yǐ qián， wǒ tài tài ràng liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng tòng dǎ liǎo yī dùn， bù guò wǒ tài tài kě bù shì wǒ zhè zhǒng rén！ nín míng bái má？ duì bù qǐ， wǒ hái yào wèn nín yī shēng， jí shǐ zhǐ shì chū yú yī bān de hàoqí xīn： nín zài niè wǎ hé shàng de gān cǎo chuán① lǐ guò guò yè má？”
--------
① shí jiǔ shì jì liù shí nián dài， nà lǐ shì bǐ dé bǎo wú jiā kě guī zhě guò yè de dì fāng。
“ méi yòu， méi yòu guò guò yè，” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū huí dá。“ zhè shì shénme yì sī？”
“ āi， wǒ jiù shì cóng nà 'ér lái de， yǐ jīng shì dì wǔ yè liǎo……”
tā zhēn liǎo yī bēi jiǔ， hē gān liǎo， yú shì xiàn rù chén sī。 zhēn de， tā de yī fú shàng， shèn zhì lián tā de tóu fā lǐ， yòu xiē dì fāng hái kě yǐ kàn dào nián zài shàng miàn de yī gēn gēn gān cǎo。 hěn yòu kě néng， tā yǐ jīng wǔ tiān méi tuō yī fú， yě méi xǐ liǎn liǎo。 yóu qí shì yī shuāng shǒu zàng dé yào mìng， mǎn shǒu yóu gòu， fā hóng， zhǐ jiá lǐ qiàn mǎn hēi sè de wū ní。
tā de huà hǎo xiàng yǐn qǐ liǎo dà jiā de zhù yì。 suī shuō zhè zhù yì yě shì wú jīng dǎ cǎi de。 guì tái hòu miàn de liǎng gè nán hái zǐ chī chī dì xiào qǐ lái。 lǎo bǎn hǎo xiàng gù yì cóng shàng miàn de fáng jiān lǐ xià lái， hǎo lái tīng tīng zhè gè“ dòu lè de jiā huǒ” zài shuō shí me。 tā zuò dào shāo yuǎn yī diǎn 'ér de dì fāng， lǎn yáng yáng dì、 dàn shén qì shí zú dì dǎzháo hē qiàn。 xiǎn rán， mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū zǎo yǐ shì zhè 'ér dà jiādōu shú xī de rén liǎo。 ér qiě tā 'ài yòng jiáo róu zào zuò de yǔ qì shuō huà， dà gài shì yóu yú tā xí guàn jīng cháng hé jiǔ guǎn lǐ xíng xíng sè sè sù bù xiāng shí de rén tán huà。 zhè zhǒng xí guàn duì yòu xiē jiǔ guǐ yǐ jīng biàn chéng liǎo yī zhǒng xū yào， zhù yào shì tā men dāng zhōng nà xiē zài jiā lǐ yán shòu guǎn shù、 jīng cháng shòu dào yā zhì de rén。 yīn cǐ tā men zài tóng yàng shì jiǔ rú mìng de zhè huǒ rén zhōng jiān， cái zǒng shì lì tú wéi zì jǐ biǎo bái， fǎng fó shì shè fǎ gěi zì jǐ biàn jiě， rú guǒ kě néng de huà， shèn zhì shì tú bó dé bié rén de zūn jìng。
“ dòu lè de jiā huǒ！” lǎo bǎn gāo shēng shuō。“ kě nǐ gànmá bù qù gōng zuò， gànmá bù qù bàn gōng， jì rán nǐ shì gè guān yuán？”
“ wǒ wèishénme bù qù bàn gōng má， xiān shēng，” mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū jiē zhù huà chá shuō， zhè huà shì dān duì zhe lā sī kē lì ní kē fū shuō de， fǎng fó zhè shì tā xiàng tā tí chū liǎo zhè gè wèn tí。“ wèishénme bù qù bàn gōng má？ nán dào wǒ zì qīng zì jiàn、 tú rán jiàng dī zì jǐ de shēn fèn， zì jǐ bù jué dé xīn tòng má？ yī gè yuè yǐ qián， dāng liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng dòng shǒu dǎ wǒ qī zǐ de shí hòu， wǒ hē dé zuì xūn xūn dì tǎng zài chuáng shàng， nán dào wǒ bù gǎn dào tòng kǔ má？ duì bù qǐ， nián qīng rén， nín shì bù shì yòu guò…… ǹg hēng…… suī rán míng zhī háo wú xī wàng， kě hái shì bù dé bù kāi kǒu xiàng rén jiè qián？”
“ yòu guò…… háo wú xī wàng shì shénme yì sī？”
“ jiù shì wán quán méi yòu xī wàng， shì xiān jiù zhī dào zhè jué bù huì yòu shénme jiēguǒ。 nuò， pì rú shuō bā， nín zǎo jiù zhī dào， ér qiě yòu chōng fēn gēn jù， zhī dào zhè gè rén， zhè gè xīn dì zuì shàn liáng、 duì shè huì zuì yòu yì de gōng mín wú lùn rú hé yě bù huì bǎ qián jiè gěi nín。 yīn wéi， qǐng wèn， tā wèishénme yào gěi ní？ bù shì má， tā míng míng zhī dào， zhè bù huì hái gěi tā。 chū yú tóng qíng xīn má？ kě shì liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng， zhè gè jīng cháng liú xīn gè zhǒng xīn sī xiǎng de rén， bù jiǔ qián jiě shì shuō， zài wǒ men zhè gè shí dài， jiù lián kē xué yě bù yǔn xǔ yòu tóng qíng xīn， zài yòu liǎo jīng jì xué de yīng guó jiù shì zhè yàng① qǐng wèn， tā wèishénme yào gěi qián ní？ qiáo， nín shì xiān jiù zhī dào， tā jué bù huì jiè gěi nín， kě nín hái shì qù liǎo……”
“ wèishénme yào qù ní？” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū zhuī wèn yī jù。
“ rú guǒ méi yòu bié rén kě zhǎo， rú guǒ zài yě wú chù kě qù ní！ bù shì má， dé ràng měi gè rén zhì shǎo yòu gè shénme kě yǐ qù de dì fāng 'ā。 yīn wéi cháng cháng yòu zhè yàng de shí hòu， yī dìng dé zhì shǎo yòu gè kě yǐ qù de dì fāng！ wǒ de dú shēng nǚ 'ér tóu yī cì qù lā shēng yì de shí hòu， wǒ yě qù liǎo……（ yīn wéi wǒ nǚ 'ér kào huáng sè zhí zhào② shēng huó……）” tā fù dài jiā shàng liǎo yī jù， tóng shí yòu diǎn 'ér shén sè bù 'ān dì kàn liǎo kàn qīng nián rén。“ méi shí me， xiān shēng， méi shí me！” guì tái hòu miàn de liǎng gè nán hái pū chī yī shēng xiào liǎo chū lái， lǎo bǎn yě wēi wēi yī xiào， zhè shí tā lì kè cōng cōng máng máng dì shuō， kàn lái shén qíng shì 'ān xiáng de。“ méi shí me！ zhè xiē rén yáo tóu wǒ bù huì gǎn dào bù hǎo yì sī， yīn wéi zhè yī qiē dà jiādōu yǐ jīng zhī dào liǎo， yī qiē mì mì dū gōng kāi liǎo； ér qiě wǒ bù shì yǐ miè shì de tài dù， ér shì huái zhe gōng shùn de xīn qíng lái duì dài zhè yī qiē de。 yóu tā qù bā！ ràng tā men xiào bā！ ‘ nǐ men kàn zhè gè rén！ ’ ③ duì bù qǐ， nián qīng rén： nín néng bù néng…… kě shì， bù， yòng yī zhǒng gèng jiā yòu lì、 gèng fù yòu biǎo xiàn lì de fāng shì， shuō dé gèng qīng chǔ xiē： nín néng bù néng， nín gǎn bù gǎn xiàn zài kàn zhe wǒ kěn dìng dì shuō，“ wǒ bù shì zhū luó？”
--------
① zhǐ yīng guó zhé xué jiā、 jīng jì xué jiā yuē · sī · mǐ lì（ yī bā liù héng héng yī bā qī sān） de《 jīng jì xué yuán lǐ）， gāi shū de 'é yì běn shì yī bā liù wǔ nián chū bǎn de。 mǐ lì rèn wéi， rén de xíng wéi、 yuàn wàng nǎi zhì kǔ nán dōushì yóu tā men de jīng jì dì wèi shì xiān jué dìng de。 tuó sī tuǒ yé fū sī jī bù tóng yì zhè zhǒng guān diǎn。
② zhǐ zuò jì nǚ。 dì 'é shí， jì nǚ yào zài jú lǐng huáng sè zhí zhào。
③ yǐn zì《 xīn yuē quán shū · yuē hàn fú yīn》 dì shí jiǔ zhāng dì wǔ jié：“ yé sū chū lái， dài zhe jīng jí guān miǎn， chuānzhuó zǐ páo， bǐ lā duō duì tā men shuō， nǐ men kàn zhè gè rén。”
nián qīng rén shénme yě méi yòu huí dá。
“ ǹg，” děng dào wū lǐ suí zhī 'ér lái de chī chī de xiào shēng tíng xià lái yǐ hòu， zhè wèi yǎn shuō jiā yòu zhuāng zhòng dì， zhè yī huí shèn zhì shì gèng jiā zūn yán dì jiē zhe shuō：“ ǹg， jiù suàn wǒ shì zhū luó bā， kě tā shì yī wèi tài tài！ wǒ de xíng xiàng xiàng chù shēng， ér kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà， wǒ de qī zǐ， shì gè shòu guò jiào yù de rén， shì wèi xiào jí jūn guān de nǚ 'ér。 jiù suàn， jiù suàn wǒ shì gè xià liú pī bā， tā què yòu yī kē gāo shàng de xīn， shòu guò jiào yù， mǎn huái chóng gāo de gǎn qíng。 rán 'ér，…… ō， rú guǒ tā lián mǐn wǒ de huà！ xiān shēng， xiān shēng， yào zhī dào， dé ràng měi gè rén zhì shǎo yòu gè néng lián mǐn tā de dì fāng 'ā！ ér kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà suī rán shì yī wèi kuān hóng dà liàng de tài tài， kě shì tā bù gōng zhèng…… suī rán wǒ zì jǐ yě zhī dào， tā jiū wǒ tóu fā de shí hòu， zhǐ bù guò shì chū yú tā de lián mǐn xīn， yīn wéi， wǒ fǎn fù shuō， tā jiū wǒ de tóu fā， wǒ bìng bù gǎn dào nán wéi qíng， nián qīng rén，” tā yòu tīng jiàn yī zhèn chī chī de xiào shēng， huái zhe jiā bèi de zì zūn chéng rèn dào，“ bù guò， tiān nǎ， rú guǒ tā nǎ pà shì jǐn jǐn yòu yī cì…… kě shì， bù！ bù！ zhè yī qiēdōu shì tú rán de， méi shí me hǎo shuō de！ méi shí me hǎo shuō de liǎo！…… yīn wéi wǒ suǒ xī wàng de yǐ jīng bù zhǐ yī cì chéng wéi xiàn shí， yǐ jīng bù zhǐ yī cì lián mǐn guò wǒ liǎo， kě shì……
wǒ jiù shì zhè me gè dé xìng， wǒ shì gè tiān shēng de chù shēng！”
“ kě bù shì！” lǎo bǎn dǎzháo hē qiàn shuō。
mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū jiān jué dì yòng quán tóu chuí liǎo chuí zhuō zǐ。
“ wǒ jiù shì zhè me gè dé xìng！ nín zhī dào má， xiān shēng， wǒ lián tā de cháng wà dū ná qù mài diào， hē guāng liǎo？ bù shì xié zǐ， yīn wéi zhè zhì shǎo hái duō shǎo hé hū qíng lǐ。 kě shì cháng wà， bǎ tā de cháng wà mài diào， hē guāng liǎo！ tā de yī tiáo shān yáng máo tóu jīn yě ràng wǒ mài diào， hē guāng liǎo， shì rén jiā cóng qián sòng gěi tā de， shì tā zì jǐ de， ér bù shì wǒ de； kě wǒ men zhù zài bàn jiān hán lěng de fáng wū lǐ， zhè gè dōng tiān tā zhe liǎo liáng， ké sòu qǐ lái， yǐ jīng tù xuè liǎo。 wǒ men yòu sān gè xiǎo hái zǐ， kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà cóng zǎo dào wǎn máng gè bù tíng， cā 'ā， xǐ 'ā， gěi hái zǐ men xǐ zǎo， yīn wéi tā cóng xiǎo jiù 'ài gān jìng， kě tā de xiōng bù bù jiàn kāng， hěn kě néng hài liǎo láo bìng， zhè wǒ yě gǎn jué dào liǎo。 nán dào wǒ gǎn jué bù dào má？ jiǔ hē dé yuè duō， yuè gǎn jué dé chū lái。 jiù shì wèicǐ wǒ cái hē jiǔ de， xiǎng zài jiǔ zhōng xún zhǎo tóng qíng hé 'ài qíng…… wǒ hē jiǔ， shì yīn wéi wǒ xiǎng dé dào jiā bèi de tòng kǔ！” shuō zhe， tā fǎng fó jué wàng dì cháo zhuō zǐ chuí xià liǎo tóu。
“ nián qīng rén，” tā yòu tǐng zhí liǎo yāo， jiē zhe shuō，“ wǒ cóng nín liǎn shàng kàn chū， nín hǎo xiàng yòu shénme bù xìng de shì qíng。 nín yī jìn lái， wǒ jiù kàn chū lái liǎo， suǒ yǐ lì kè jiù gēn nín jiāo tán qǐ lái。 yīn wéi， wǒ bǎ zì jǐ de shēng huó gù shì gào sù nín， bìng bù shì xiǎng zài zhè xiē yóu shǒu hǎo xián de jiā huǒ miàn qián zuò jiàn zì jǐ， zhè yī qiē， wǒ bù shuō tā men yědōu zhī dào， wǒ shuō zhè xiē， shì wéi liǎo xún zhǎo yī gè fù yòu tóng qíng xīn hé shòu guò jiào yù de rén。 nín tīng wǒ shuō， wǒ de qī zǐ zài shěng lǐ yī suǒ guì zú gāo děng nǚ zǐ xué xiào lǐ shòu guò jiào yù， bì yè de shí hòu， shěng cháng hé qí tā shè huì míng liú dōuzài zuò， tā tiào liǎo pī jīn wǔ①， wèicǐ dé liǎo yī méi jīn zhì jiǎng zhāng hé yī zhāng jiǎng zhuàng。 jiǎng zhāng má…… jiǎng zhāng ràng wǒ mài diào huàn jiǔ hē guāng liǎo…… yǐ jīng hěn jiǔ liǎo…… ǹg，…… jiǎng zhuàng dào xiàn zài hái fàng zài tā de xiāng zǐ lǐ， bù jiǔ qián tā hái ná gěi nǚ fáng dōng kàn guò。 suī rán tā gēn fáng dōng jīng cháng bù duàn dì zhēng chǎo， bù guò hái shì xiǎng zài rén qián kuā yào yī fān， bǎ guò qù de xìng fú rì zǐ gào sù rén jiā， bù guǎn tā shì shénme réndōu xíng。 wǒ bìng bù zhǐ zé tā， wǒ bìng bù zé bèi tā， yīn wéi zhè shì tā jì yì lǐ shèng xià de zuì hòu yī diǎn 'ān wèi， qí yú de quándōu yān xiāo yún sàn liǎo。 shì 'ā， shì 'ā； shì yī wèi xìng qíng jí zào， gāo 'ào 'ér yòu juéjiàng de tài tài。 zì jǐ cā xǐ dì bǎn， kěn hēi miàn bāo， kě shì jué bù ràng rén bù zūn zhòng zì jǐ。 zhèng shì yīn cǐ tā bù kěn yuán liàng liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng de wú lǐ xíng wéi， liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng wéi zhè dǎ liǎo tā yǐ hòu， tā tǎng dǎo zài chuáng shàng， zhè yǔ qí shuō shì yīn wéi 'āi liǎo dǎ， dǎo bù rú shuō shì yīn wéi shāng liǎo tā de xīn。 wǒ qǔ tā de shí hòu， tā yǐ jīng shì gè guǎ fù， dài zhe sān gè hái zǐ， yī gè bǐ yī gè xiǎo。 tā jià de dì yī gè zhàng fū shì gè bù bīng jūn guān， tā 'ài tā， gēn tā lí jiā sī bēn liǎo。 tā bié tí duō 'ài zì jǐ de zhàng fū liǎo， kě shì tā wán shàng liǎo pái， luò dé chū tíng shòu shěn， jiù zhè me sǐ liǎo。 zuì hòu tā hái dǎ tā， suī rán tā bù yuán liàng tā， zhè wǒ què shí zhī dào， ér qiě yòu kě kào de zhèng jù， dàn shì zhí dào xiàn zài tā hái jīng cháng yǎn lèi wāng wāng dì xiǎng qǐ tā lái， yòng tā lái jiào xùn wǒ， ér wǒ què gǎn dào gāo xīng， wǒ suǒ yǐ gāo xīng， shì yīn wéi， zhì shǎo zài tā xiǎng xiàng zhōng， tā rèn wéi zì jǐ yòu yī gè shí qī shì xìng fú de…… tā sǐ liǎo yǐ hòu， tā hé sān gè nián líng hěn xiǎo de hái zǐ liú zài yī gè jí qí piān yuǎn de xiàn chéng lǐ， dāng shí wǒ zhèng hǎo yě zài nà 'ér， tā shēng huó jí duān pín kùn， jīhū xiàn yú jué jìng， suī shuō wǒ jiàn guò xǔ xǔ duō duō gè shì gè yàng bù tóng xún cháng de shì qíng， kě jiù lián wǒ yě wú fǎ miáo huì tā de chǔjìng。 qīn qī dōubù rèn tā liǎo。 ér qiě tā gāo 'ào dé hěn， gāo 'ào dé tài guò fēn liǎo…… ér nà shí hòu， xiān shēng， nà shí hòu wǒ yě chéng liǎo guān fū， yòu gè qián qī liú xià de shí sì suì de nǚ 'ér， yú shì wǒ xiàng tā qiú hūn liǎo， yīn wéi wǒ bù rěn xīn kàn dào tā shòu zhè yàng de kǔ。 yī gè shòu guò jiào yù、 yòu yòu jiào yǎng、 chū shēn míng mén de nǚ rén， jìng tóng yì xià jià gěi wǒ， dān píng zhè diǎn nín jiù kě yǐ xiǎng jiàn， tā de kǔ nán yǐ jīng dá dào liǎo shénme dì bù！ kě shì tā jià gěi liǎo wǒ！ tā tòng kū liú tì， bēi tòng yù jué， héng héng kě shì jià gěi liǎo wǒ！ yīn wéi zǒu tóu wú lù 'ā。 nín kě míng bái， nín kě míng bái， xiān shēng， dāng yī gè rén yǐ jīng zǒu tóu wú lù de shí hòu yì wèi zhe shénme má？ bù！ zhè yī diǎn nín hái bù míng bái…… zhěng zhěng yī nián， wǒ qián chéng、 yán gé dì lǚ xíng zì jǐ de yì wù， cóng wèi pèng guò zhè wán yì 'ér（ tā shēn chū yī zhǐ shǒu zhǐ pèng liǎo pèng nà gè néng zhuāng bàn shí tuō fū② de jiǔ hú）， yīn wéi wǒ yòu gǎn qíng。 bù guò jiù shì zhè yàng， wǒ yě méi néng yíng dé tā de huān xīn； ér zhè shí hòu wǒ shī yè liǎo， yě bù shì yīn wéi wǒ yòu shénme guò cuò， ér shì yīn wéi rén shì biàn dòng， yú shì wǒ hē qǐ jiǔ lái！…… yī nián bàn yǐ qián， jīng guò cháng tú bá shè hé shù bù jìn de zāinàn zhī hòu， wǒ men zhōng yú lái dào liǎo zhè hóng wěi zhuàng lì、 yòng wú shù jì niàn bēi zhuāng shì qǐ lái de shǒu dū。 zài zhè 'ér wǒ yòu zhǎo dào liǎo gōng zuò…… zhǎo dào liǎo， yòu diū diào liǎo。 nín míng bái má？ zhè cì kě shì yóu yú wǒ zì jǐ de guò cuò， diū diào liǎo chāishi， yīn wéi wǒ de liè gēn xìng bào lù liǎo…… mù qián wǒ men zhù zài bàn jiān fáng wū lǐ， zhù zài nǚ fáng dōngē mǎ lì yà · fèi duō luó fú nà · lì pèi wéi hè zé 'ěr nà 'ér， wǒ men kào shénme guò huó， ná shénme fù fáng zū， wǒ zì jǐ yě bù zhī dào。 nà 'ér zhù zhe hěn duō rén， chú liǎo wǒ men…… jiǎn zhí shì suǒ duō mǎ③， hùn luàn jí liǎo…… ǹg…… shì de…… jiù zài zhè shí hòu， wǒ qián qī shēng de nǚ 'ér zhǎngdà liǎo， tā， wǒ nǚ 'ér， zài nà zhǎngdà chéng rén de zhè duàn shí jiān lǐ shòu guò jì mǔ duō shǎo， zhè wǒ jiù bù shuō liǎo。 yīn wéi kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà suī rán kuān hóng dà liàng， què shì yī wèi xìng qíng jí zào、 hěn róng yì shēng qì de tài tài， ér qiě bù ràng bié rén shuō huà…… shì 'ā！ āi， zhè xiē dōuméi shí me hǎo huí yì de！ suǒ ní yà méi shòu guò jiào yù， zhè nín kě yǐ xiǎng xiàng dé chū lái。 sì nián qián wǒ céng cháng shì jiào tā dì lǐ hé shì jiè tōng shǐ； bù guò wǒ zì jǐ dǒng dé de yě bù duō， ér qiě méi yòu shìdàng de jiào kē shū， yīn wéi jǐn yòu de yī xiē shū jí…… ǹg！…… āi， zhè xiē shū xiàn zài yǐ jīng méi yòu liǎo， suǒ yǐ quán bù jiào yù jiù zhè yàng jié shù liǎo。 wǒ men zhǐ dú dào liǎo bō sī de jū lǔ shì dà dì ④。 hòu lái， tā yǐ jīng chéng nián yǐ hòu， kàn guò jǐ běn 'ài qíng xiǎo shuō， bù jiǔ yǐ qián， tōng guò liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng， hái kàn guò yī běn liú yì shì de《 shēng lǐ xué》 ⑤， héng héng nín zhī dào zhè běn shū má？ héng héng tā huái zhe hěn dà de xīng qù kàn wán liǎo， shèn zhì hái gěi wǒ men niàn guò qí zhōng de jǐ gè piàn duàn： zhè jiù shì tā suǒ shòu de quán bù jiào yù。 xiàn zài wǒ wèn nín， wǒ de xiān shēng， wǒ yǐ wǒ zì jǐ de míng yì xiàng nín tí chū yī gè fēi zhèng shì de wèn tí： zhào nín kàn， yī gè pín qióng、 rán 'ér qīng bái wú xiá de gū niàn， kào zì jǐ chéng shí de láo dòng néng zhèng dào hěn duō qián má？…… xiān shēng， rú guǒ tā qīng qīng bái bái， yòu méi yòu tè shū cái néng， jí shǐ shuāng shǒu yī kè bù tíng dì gànhuó， yī tiān yě zhèng bù dào shí wǔ gè gē bǐ！ ér qiě wǔ děng wén guān kè luò pǔ shí tuō kè， yī wàn · yī wàn nuò wéi qí， héng héng zhè gè rén nín tīng shuō guò má？ héng héng jiè kǒu tā zuò de chèn yī lǐng zǐ chǐ cùn bù duì， ér qiě féng wāi liǎo， bù jǐn nà bàn dǎ hé lán chèn yī de gōng qián dào xiàn zài hái méi gěi， shèn zhì zhàng shì qī rén， duǒ duǒ jiǎo， yòng hěn nán tīng de huà pò kǒu dà mà， bǎ tā gǎn liǎo chū lái。 kě shì zhè shí hòu jǐ gè hái zǐ dōuzài 'ái’è…… zhè shí hòu kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà tòng kǔ dì cuō zhuóshǒu， zài wū lǐ zǒu lái zǒu qù， liǎn shàng fàn chū hóng yùn， héng héng hài zhè zhǒng bìng de rén zǒng shì zhè yàng：‘ nǐ， zhè gè hàochī lǎn zuò de jiā huǒ，’ tā shuō，‘ zhù zài wǒ men zhè 'ér， yòu chī， yòu hē， hái yào qǔ nuǎn，’ kě zhè 'ér yòu shénme hàohē、 hǎochīde ní， jì rán hái zǐ men yǐ jīng sān tiān méi jiàn dào miàn liǎo！ dāng shí wǒ zhèng tǎng zhe…… āi， yòu shénme hǎo shuō de ní？ wǒ zuì xūn xūn dì tǎng zhe， tīng dào wǒ de suǒ ní yà shuō（ tā xìng qíng wēn hé， shuō huà de shēng yīn yě shì nà me róu hé…… yī tóu dàn huáng sè de tóu fā， xiǎo liǎn dàn 'ér cāng bái， xiāo shòu）， tā shuō，‘ zěn me， kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà， nán dào wǒ fēi dé qù gān zhè zhǒng shì qíng má？’ ér dá lǐ yà · fú lán zuǒ fú nà， zhè gè jū xīn bù liáng de nǚ rén， jú lǐ duì tā yě shú xī dé hěn， tā yǐ jīng tōng guò nǚ fáng dōng lái guò sān cì liǎo。‘ yòu shénme ní？’。 kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà cháo xiào dì huí dá，‘ ài hù zhēn jié gànshénme？ hēi， zhè kě zhēn shì gè bǎo bèi 'ā！’ bù guò qǐng bié zé bèi tā， qǐng bié zé bèi tā， xiān shēng， qǐng bié zé bèi tā！ tā shuō zhè huà shì zài shī qù lǐ xìng de shí hòu， jīng shén yǐ jīng bù zhèng cháng liǎo， shì zài gǎn qíng jī dòng 'ér qiě yòu bìng de qíng kuàng xià， shì zài tīng dào 'ái’è de hái zǐ kū shēng de shí hòu， ér qiě tā shuō zhè huà yǔ qí shuō shì zhēn yòu zhè gè yì sī， bù rú shuō shì wèile wǔ rǔ tā…… yīn wéi kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà jiù shì zhè yàng de xìng gé， zhǐ yào hái zǐ men yī kū， nǎ pà shì yīn wéi 'è dé huāng， tā yě lì kè dòng shǒu qù dǎ tā men。 wǒ kàn dào， dà yuē wǔ diǎn duō zhōng de shí hòu， suǒ niè qí kǎ qǐ lái， bāo shàng tóu jīn， pī shàng dǒu péng， cóng wū lǐ zǒu liǎo chū qù， dào bā diǎn duō zhōng huí lái liǎo。 tā yī huí lái， jìng zhí zǒu dào kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà gēn qián， yī shēng bù xiǎng dì bǎ sān shí gè lú bù bǎi dào tā miàn qián de zhuō zǐ shàng。 zhè me zuò de shí hòu tā yī jù huà yě méi yòu shuō， nǎ pà kàn tā yī yǎn yě hǎo， kě lián kàn dū méi kàn， zhǐ shì ná liǎo wǒ men nà kuài lǜ sè dé lā dé dá mǔ ní de dà tóu jīn（ wǒ men yòu zhè me yī kuài gōng yòng de tóu jīn， shì dé lā dé dá mǔ ní de）， yòng tā bǎ tóu hé liǎn quándōu méng qǐ lái， tǎng dào chuáng shàng， liǎn chòngzhe qiáng， zhǐ kàn jiàn shòu xiǎo de jiān bǎng hé quán shēn yī gè jìn 'ér dì dǒu gè bù tíng…… ér wǒ， hái shì xiàng bù jiǔ yǐ qián nà yàng tǎng zhe…… dāng shí wǒ kàn dào， nián qīng rén， wǒ kàn jiàn， zài zhè yǐ hòu， kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà yě shì nà yàng yī yán bù fā， zǒu dào suǒ niè qí kǎ chuáng qián， zài tā jiǎo biān guì liǎo zhěng zhěng yī yè， wěn tā de jiǎo， bù xiǎng qǐ lái， hòu lái， tā liǎ bào zài yī qǐ， jiù zhè yàng shuì zhe liǎo……
liǎng rén yī dào…… liǎng rén yī dào…… ér wǒ…… què zuì xūn xūn dì tǎng zhe。”
--------
① zài bì yè wǎn huì shàng tiào pī jīn wǔ shì chéng jì yōu yì de bì yè shēng de tè quán。
② róng liàng dān wèi， yī shí tuō fū yuē děng yú yī · èr gōng shēng。
③ jiàn《 jiù yuē · chuàng shì jì》 shí jiǔ zhāng 'èr shí sì jié： suǒ duō mǎ hé 'é mó lā liǎng chéng yīn zuì niè shēn zhòng bèi yé hé huá yòng liú huáng hé huǒ shāo huǐ。
④ jū lǔ shì， qián wǔ wǔ bā héng héng qián wǔ 'èr jiǔ nián de bō sī guó wáng。
⑤ zhǐ yīng guó shí zhèng zhù yì zhé xué jiā hé shēng lǐ xué jiā qiáo zhì · liú yì shì（ yī bā yī qī héng héng yī bā qī bā） de《 rì cháng shēng huó de shēng lǐ xué》， shí jiǔ shì jì liù shí nián dài， zài jù yòu wéi wù zhù yì guān diǎn de qīng nián rén zhōng， zhè běn shū hěn shòu huān yíng。
mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū chén mò liǎo， fǎng fó tā de shēng yīn tū rán duàn liǎo。 suí hòu， tā hū rán cōng cōng zhēn liǎo yī bēi jiǔ， yī kǒu hē gān， qīng liǎo qīng sǎng zǐ。
“ cóng nà shí hòu qǐ， wǒ de xiān shēng，” chén mò liǎo yī huì 'ér yǐ hòu， tā jiē zhe shuō，“ yóu yú fā shēng liǎo yī jiàn bù xìng de shì， yě yóu yú yòu xiē jū xīn bù liáng de rén gào fā， héng héng tè bié shì dá lǐ yà · fú lán zuǒ fú nà qǐ liǎo yī dìng zuò yòng， fǎng fó shì wèile méi duì tā biǎo shì yīngyǒu de zūn jìng， héng héng cóng nà shí hòu qǐ， wǒ de nǚ 'ér， suǒ fěi yà · xiè miáo nuò fú nà， jiù lǐng liǎo huáng sè zhí zhào， yīn cǐ bù néng hé wǒ men zhù zài yī qǐ liǎo。 yīn wéi wǒ men de nǚ fáng dōngē mǎ lì yà · fèi duō luó fú nà bù yuàn yì ràng tā zhù zài zhè lǐ（ kě shì yǐ qián tā dǎo bāng guò dá lǐ yà · fú lán zuǒ fú nà de máng）， zài shuō liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng…… ǹg…… zhèng shì wèile suǒ ní yà， tā hé kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà zhī jiān cái fā shēng liǎo nà jiàn bù yú kuài de shì。 qǐ chū shì tā zì jǐ yào gēn suǒ ní yà lái wǎng， zhè shí què tū rán biàn dé gāo 'ào zì dà liǎo：‘ zěn me，’ tā shuō，‘ wǒ， yī gè zhè me yòu wén huà de rén， jìng yào gēn zhè yàng yī gè nǚ rén zhù zài yīzhuàng fáng zǐ lǐ má？’ kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà bù fú qì， wéi tā biàn jiě…… yú shì jiù chǎo liǎo qǐ lái…… xiàn zài suǒ niè qí kǎ duō bàn shì zài huáng hūn lái wǒ men zhè lǐ， gěi kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà bāng bāng máng， lì suǒ néng jí dì gěi sòng diǎn 'ér qián lái…… tā zhù zài cái féng kǎ pèi 'ěr nà wū mò fū de fáng zǐ lǐ， xiàng tā men zū liǎo yī jiān zhù fáng， kǎ pèi 'ěr nà wū mò fū shì gè bǒ zǐ， shuō huà fā yīn bù qīng chǔ， tā nà yī dà jiā zǐ rén gè gè shuō huà yědōu kǒu chǐ bù qīng。 lián tā lǎo pó shuō huà fā yīn yě bù qīng chǔ…… tā mendōu zhù zài yī jiān wū lǐ， wǒ de suǒ ní yà lìng yòu yī jiān wū zǐ， shì yòng gé bǎn gé kāi de…… ǹg， shì 'ā…… shì xiē zuì qióng kǔ de qióng rén， huà dōushuō bù qīng chǔ…… shì 'ā…… bù guò nà yī tiān qīng zǎo wǒ qǐ lái liǎo， chuān shàng wǒ de pò yī làn shān， jǔ qǐ shuāng shǒu xiàng shàng tiān qí dǎo， rán hòu qù jiàn yī wàn · ā fán nà xī yé wéi qí dà rén。 qǐng wèn nín rèn shí yī wàn · ā fán nà xī yé wéi qí dà rén má？…… bù rèn shí？ zhè yàng yī wèi dào dé gāo shàng de rén， nín jìng huì bù rèn shí！ xīn cháng xiàng là yī yàng ruǎn…… shàng dì miàn qián de là； huì xiàng là yī yàng róng huà！…… tīng wán wǒ de huà， tā shèn zhì diào xià lèi lái。‘ āi，’ tā shuō，‘ mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū， yòu yī cì nǐ yǐ jīng gū fù liǎo wǒ de qī wàng…… wǒ jiù zài rèn yòng nǐ yī cì bā， zhè wán quán yóu wǒ gè rén fù zé，’ tā zhè me shuō，‘ nǐ kě yào jì zhù，’ tā shuō，‘ huí qù bā！’ wǒ wěn liǎo wěn tā jiǎo shàng de huī chén， bù guò shì zài xiǎng xiàng zhī zhōng， yīn wéi tā shēn wéi xiǎn guì， yòu zhì guó de xīn sī xiǎng、 xīn wén huà， shì bù yǔn xǔ dàngzhēn zhè me zuò de； wǒ huí dào jiā lǐ， gāng yī shuō chū， wǒ yòu bèi lù yòng， yòu huì lǐng dào xīn fèng liǎo， tiān nǎ， nà shí hòu dà jiā nà gè gāo xīng jìn 'ér 'ā……”
The master of the establishment was in another room, but he frequently came down some steps into the main room, his jaunty, tarred boots with red turn-over tops coming into view each time before the rest of his person. He wore a full coat and a horribly greasy black satin waistcoat, with no cravat, and his whole face seemed smeared with oil like an iron lock. At the counter stood a boy of about fourteen, and there was another boy somewhat younger who handed whatever was wanted. On the counter lay some sliced cucumber, some pieces of dried black bread, and some fish, chopped up small, all smelling very bad. It was insufferably close, and so heavy with the fumes of spirits that five minutes in such an atmosphere might well make a man drunk.
There are chance meetings with strangers that interest us from the first moment, before a word is spoken. Such was the impression made on Raskolnikov by the person sitting a little distance from him, who looked like a retired clerk. The young man often recalled this impression afterwards, and even ascribed it to presentiment. He looked repeatedly at the clerk, partly no doubt because the latter was staring persistently at him, obviously anxious to enter into conversation. At the other persons in the room, including the tavern- keeper, the clerk looked as though he were used to their company, and weary of it, showing a shade of condescending contempt for them as persons of station and culture inferior to his own, with whom it would be useless for him to converse. He was a man over fifty, bald and grizzled, of medium height, and stoutly built. His face, bloated from continual drinking, was of a yellow, even greenish, tinge, with swollen eyelids out of which keen reddish eyes gleamed like little chinks. But there was something very strange in him; there was a light in his eyes as though of intense feeling--perhaps there were even thought and intelligence, but at the same time there was a gleam of something like madness. He was wearing an old and hopelessly ragged black dress coat, with all its buttons missing except one, and that one he had buttoned, evidently clinging to this last trace of respectability. A crumpled shirt front, covered with spots and stains, protruded from his canvas waistcoat. Like a clerk, he wore no beard, nor moustache, but had been so long unshaven that his chin looked like a stiff greyish brush. And there was something respectable and like an official about his manner too. But he was restless; he ruffled up his hair and from time to time let his head drop into his hands dejectedly resting his ragged elbows on the stained and sticky table. At last he looked straight at Raskolnikov, and said loudly and resolutely:
"May I venture, honoured sir, to engage you in polite conversation? Forasmuch as, though your exterior would not command respect, my experience admonishes me that you are a man of education and not accustomed to drinking. I have always respected education when in conjunction with genuine sentiments, and I am besides a titular counsellor in rank. Marmeladov--such is my name; titular counsellor. I make bold to inquire--have you been in the service?"
"No, I am studying," answered the young man, somewhat surprised at the grandiloquent style of the speaker and also at being so directly addressed. In spite of the momentary desire he had just been feeling for company of any sort, on being actually spoken to he felt immediately his habitual irritable and uneasy aversion for any stranger who approached or attempted to approach him.
"A student then, or formerly a student," cried the clerk. "Just what I thought! I'm a man of experience, immense experience, sir," and he tapped his forehead with his fingers in self-approval. "You've been a student or have attended some learned institution! . . . But allow me. . . ." He got up, staggered, took up his jug and glass, and sat down beside the young man, facing him a little sideways. He was drunk, but spoke fluently and boldly, only occasionally losing the thread of his sentences and drawling his words. He pounced upon Raskolnikov as greedily as though he too had not spoken to a soul for a month.
"Honoured sir," he began almost with solemnity, "poverty is not a vice, that's a true saying. Yet I know too that drunkenness is not a virtue, and that that's even truer. But beggary, honoured sir, beggary is a vice. In poverty you may still retain your innate nobility of soul, but in beggary--never--no one. For beggary a man is not chased out of human society with a stick, he is swept out with a broom, so as to make it as humiliating as possible; and quite right, too, forasmuch as in beggary I am ready to be the first to humiliate myself. Hence the pot-house! Honoured sir, a month ago Mr. Lebeziatnikov gave my wife a beating, and my wife is a very different matter from me! Do you understand? Allow me to ask you another question out of simple curiosity: have you ever spent a night on a hay barge, on the Neva?"
"No, I have not happened to," answered Raskolnikov. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I've just come from one and it's the fifth night I've slept so. . . ." He filled his glass, emptied it and paused. Bits of hay were in fact clinging to his clothes and sticking to his hair. It seemed quite probable that he had not undressed or washed for the last five days. His hands, particularly, were filthy. They were fat and red, with black nails.
His conversation seemed to excite a general though languid interest. The boys at the counter fell to sniggering. The innkeeper came down from the upper room, apparently on purpose to listen to the "funny fellow" and sat down at a little distance, yawning lazily, but with dignity. Evidently Marmeladov was a familiar figure here, and he had most likely acquired his weakness for high-flown speeches from the habit of frequently entering into conversation with strangers of all sorts in the tavern. This habit develops into a necessity in some drunkards, and especially in those who are looked after sharply and kept in order at home. Hence in the company of other drinkers they try to justify themselves and even if possible obtain consideration.
"Funny fellow!" pronounced the innkeeper. "And why don't you work, why aren't you at your duty, if you are in the service?"
"Why am I not at my duty, honoured sir," Marmeladov went on, addressing himself exclusively to Raskolnikov, as though it had been he who put that question to him. "Why am I not at my duty? Does not my heart ache to think what a useless worm I am? A month ago when Mr. Lebeziatnikov beat my wife with his own hands, and I lay drunk, didn't I suffer? Excuse me, young man, has it ever happened to you . . . hm . . . well, to petition hopelessly for a loan?"
"Yes, it has. But what do you mean by hopelessly?"
"Hopelessly in the fullest sense, when you know beforehand that you will get nothing by it. You know, for instance, beforehand with positive certainty that this man, this most reputable and exemplary citizen, will on no consideration give you money; and indeed I ask you why should he? For he knows of course that I shan't pay it back. From compassion? But Mr. Lebeziatnikov who keeps up with modern ideas explained the other day that compassion is forbidden nowadays by science itself, and that that's what is done now in England, where there is political economy. Why, I ask you, should he give it to me? And yet though I know beforehand that he won't, I set off to him and . . ."
"Why do you go?" put in Raskolnikov.
"Well, when one has no one, nowhere else one can go! For every man must have somewhere to go. Since there are times when one absolutely must go somewhere! When my own daughter first went out with a yellow ticket, then I had to go . . . (for my daughter has a yellow passport)," he added in parenthesis, looking with a certain uneasiness at the young man. "No matter, sir, no matter!" he went on hurriedly and with apparent composure when both the boys at the counter guffawed and even the innkeeper smiled--"No matter, I am not confounded by the wagging of their heads; for everyone knows everything about it already, and all that is secret is made open. And I accept it all, not with contempt, but with humility. So be it! So be it! 'Behold the man!' Excuse me, young man, can you. . . . No, to put it more strongly and more distinctly; not /can/ you but /dare/ you, looking upon me, assert that I am not a pig?"
The young man did not answer a word.
"Well," the orator began again stolidly and with even increased dignity, after waiting for the laughter in the room to subside. "Well, so be it, I am a pig, but she is a lady! I have the semblance of a beast, but Katerina Ivanovna, my spouse, is a person of education and an officer's daughter. Granted, granted, I am a scoundrel, but she is a woman of a noble heart, full of sentiments, refined by education. And yet . . . oh, if only she felt for me! Honoured sir, honoured sir, you know every man ought to have at least one place where people feel for him! But Katerina Ivanovna, though she is magnanimous, she is unjust. . . . And yet, although I realise that when she pulls my hair she only does it out of pity--for I repeat without being ashamed, she pulls my hair, young man," he declared with redoubled dignity, hearing the sniggering again--"but, my God, if she would but once. . . . But no, no! It's all in vain and it's no use talking! No use talking! For more than once, my wish did come true and more than once she has felt for me but . . . such is my fate and I am a beast by nature!"
"Rather!" assented the innkeeper yawning. Marmeladov struck his fist resolutely on the table.
"Such is my fate! Do you know, sir, do you know, I have sold her very stockings for drink? Not her shoes--that would be more or less in the order of things, but her stockings, her stockings I have sold for drink! Her mohair shawl I sold for drink, a present to her long ago, her own property, not mine; and we live in a cold room and she caught cold this winter and has begun coughing and spitting blood too. We have three little children and Katerina Ivanovna is at work from morning till night; she is scrubbing and cleaning and washing the children, for she's been used to cleanliness from a child. But her chest is weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it! Do you suppose I don't feel it? And the more I drink the more I feel it. That's why I drink too. I try to find sympathy and feeling in drink. . . . I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!" And as though in despair he laid his head down on the table.
"Young man," he went on, raising his head again, "in your face I seem to read some trouble of mind. When you came in I read it, and that was why I addressed you at once. For in unfolding to you the story of my life, I do not wish to make myself a laughing-stock before these idle listeners, who indeed know all about it already, but I am looking for a man of feeling and education. Know then that my wife was educated in a high-class school for the daughters of noblemen, and on leaving she danced the shawl dance before the governor and other personages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a certificate of merit. The medal . . . well, the medal of course was sold--long ago, hm . . . but the certificate of merit is in her trunk still and not long ago she showed it to our landlady. And although she is most continually on bad terms with the landlady, yet she wanted to tell someone or other of her past honours and of the happy days that are gone. I don't condemn her for it, I don't blame her, for the one thing left her is recollection of the past, and all the rest is dust and ashes. Yes, yes, she is a lady of spirit, proud and determined. She scrubs the floors herself and has nothing but black bread to eat, but won't allow herself to be treated with disrespect. That's why she would not overlook Mr. Lebeziatnikov's rudeness to her, and so when he gave her a beating for it, she took to her bed more from the hurt to her feelings than from the blows. She was a widow when I married her, with three children, one smaller than the other. She married her first husband, an infantry officer, for love, and ran away with him from her father's house. She was exceedingly fond of her husband; but he gave way to cards, got into trouble and with that he died. He used to beat her at the end: and although she paid him back, of which I have authentic documentary evidence, to this day she speaks of him with tears and she throws him up to me; and I am glad, I am glad that, though only in imagination, she should think of herself as having once been happy. . . . And she was left at his death with three children in a wild and remote district where I happened to be at the time; and she was left in such hopeless poverty that, although I have seen many ups and downs of all sort, I don't feel equal to describing it even. Her relations had all thrown her off. And she was proud, too, excessively proud. . . . And then, honoured sir, and then, I, being at the time a widower, with a daughter of fourteen left me by my first wife, offered her my hand, for I could not bear the sight of such suffering. You can judge the extremity of her calamities, that she, a woman of education and culture and distinguished family, should have consented to be my wife. But she did! Weeping and sobbing and wringing her hands, she married me! For she had nowhere to turn! Do you understand, sir, do you understand what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn? No, that you don't understand yet. . . . And for a whole year, I performed my duties conscientiously and faithfully, and did not touch this" (he tapped the jug with his finger), "for I have feelings. But even so, I could not please her; and then I lost my place too, and that through no fault of mine but through changes in the office; and then I did touch it! . . . It will be a year and a half ago soon since we found ourselves at last after many wanderings and numerous calamities in this magnificent capital, adorned with innumerable monuments. Here I obtained a situation. . . . I obtained it and I lost it again. Do you understand? This time it was through my own fault I lost it: for my weakness had come out. . . . We have now part of a room at Amalia Fyodorovna Lippevechsel's; and what we live upon and what we pay our rent with, I could not say. There are a lot of people living there besides ourselves. Dirt and disorder, a perfect Bedlam . . . hm . . . yes . . . And meanwhile my daughter by my first wife has grown up; and what my daughter has had to put up with from her step-mother whilst she was growing up, I won't speak of. For, though Katerina Ivanovna is full of generous feelings, she is a spirited lady, irritable and short--tempered. . . . Yes. But it's no use going over that! Sonia, as you may well fancy, has had no education. I did make an effort four years ago to give her a course of geography and universal history, but as I was not very well up in those subjects myself and we had no suitable books, and what books we had . . . hm, anyway we have not even those now, so all our instruction came to an end. We stopped at Cyrus of Persia. Since she has attained years of maturity, she has read other books of romantic tendency and of late she had read with great interest a book she got through Mr. Lebeziatnikov, Lewes' Physiology--do you know it?--and even recounted extracts from it to us: and that's the whole of her education. And now may I venture to address you, honoured sir, on my own account with a private question. Do you suppose that a respectable poor girl can earn much by honest work? Not fifteen farthings a day can she earn, if she is respectable and has no special talent and that without putting her work down for an instant! And what's more, Ivan Ivanitch Klopstock the civil counsellor--have you heard of him?--has not to this day paid her for the half-dozen linen shirts she made him and drove her roughly away, stamping and reviling her, on the pretext that the shirt collars were not made like the pattern and were put in askew. And there are the little ones hungry. . . . And Katerina Ivanovna walking up and down and wringing her hands, her cheeks flushed red, as they always are in that disease: 'Here you live with us,' says she, 'you eat and drink and are kept warm and you do nothing to help.' And much she gets to eat and drink when there is not a crust for the little ones for three days! I was lying at the time . . . well, what of it! I was lying drunk and I heard my Sonia speaking (she is a gentle creature with a soft little voice . . . fair hair and such a pale, thin little face). She said: 'Katerina Ivanovna, am I really to do a thing like that?' And Darya Frantsovna, a woman of evil character and very well known to the police, had two or three times tried to get at her through the landlady. 'And why not?' said Katerina Ivanovna with a jeer, 'you are something mighty precious to be so careful of!' But don't blame her, don't blame her, honoured sir, don't blame her! She was not herself when she spoke, but driven to distraction by her illness and the crying of the hungry children; and it was said more to wound her than anything else. . . . For that's Katerina Ivanovna's character, and when children cry, even from hunger, she falls to beating them at once. At six o'clock I saw Sonia get up, put on her kerchief and her cape, and go out of the room and about nine o'clock she came back. She walked straight up to Katerina Ivanovna and she laid thirty roubles on the table before her in silence. She did not utter a word, she did not even look at her, she simply picked up our big green /drap de dames/ shawl (we have a shawl, made of /drap de dames/), put it over her head and face and lay down on the bed with her face to the wall; only her little shoulders and her body kept shuddering. . . . And I went on lying there, just as before. . . . And then I saw, young man, I saw Katerina Ivanovna, in the same silence go up to Sonia's little bed; she was on her knees all the evening kissing Sonia's feet, and would not get up, and then they both fell asleep in each other's arms . . . together, together . . . yes . . . and I . . . lay drunk."
Marmeladov stopped short, as though his voice had failed him. Then he hurriedly filled his glass, drank, and cleared his throat.
"Since then, sir," he went on after a brief pause--"Since then, owing to an unfortunate occurrence and through information given by evil- intentioned persons--in all which Darya Frantsovna took a leading part on the pretext that she had been treated with want of respect--since then my daughter Sofya Semyonovna has been forced to take a yellow ticket, and owing to that she is unable to go on living with us. For our landlady, Amalia Fyodorovna would not hear of it (though she had backed up Darya Frantsovna before) and Mr. Lebeziatnikov too . . . hm. . . . All the trouble between him and Katerina Ivanovna was on Sonia's account. At first he was for making up to Sonia himself and then all of a sudden he stood on his dignity: 'how,' said he, 'can a highly educated man like me live in the same rooms with a girl like that?' And Katerina Ivanovna would not let it pass, she stood up for her . . . and so that's how it happened. And Sonia comes to us now, mostly after dark; she comforts Katerina Ivanovna and gives her all she can. . . . She has a room at the Kapernaumovs' the tailors, she lodges with them; Kapernaumov is a lame man with a cleft palate and all of his numerous family have cleft palates too. And his wife, too, has a cleft palate. They all live in one room, but Sonia has her own, partitioned off. . . . Hm . . . yes . . . very poor people and all with cleft palates . . . yes. Then I got up in the morning, and put on my rags, lifted up my hands to heaven and set off to his excellency Ivan Afanasyvitch. His excellency Ivan Afanasyvitch, do you know him? No? Well, then, it's a man of God you don't know. He is wax . . . wax before the face of the Lord; even as wax melteth! . . . His eyes were dim when he heard my story. 'Marmeladov, once already you have deceived my expectations . . . I'll take you once more on my own responsibility'--that's what he said, 'remember,' he said, 'and now you can go.' I kissed the dust at his feet--in thought only, for in reality he would not have allowed me to do it, being a statesman and a man of modern political and enlightened ideas. I returned home, and when I announced that I'd been taken back into the service and should receive a salary, heavens, what a to-do there was . . .!"
jiǔ guǎn de lǎo bǎn dài zài lìng yī jiān wū lǐ， bù guò cháng cóng nà 'ér zǒu xià jǐ jí tái jiē， jìn rù zhè jiān zhù yào de diàn táng， ér qiě shǒu xiān ràng rén kàn dào de zǒng shì tā nà shuāng yòu hóng sè dà fān kǒu、 chá liǎo yī céng yóu de shí máo xuē zǐ。 tā chuān yī jiàn yāo bù dǎ xí de cháng wài yī hé yī jiàn yóu jì bān bó de hēi duàn zǐ kǎn jiān， méi dǎ lǐng dài， mǎn liǎn shàng sì hū dū chá liǎo yóu， jiù xiàng gěi tiě suǒ shàng yóu yī yàng。 guì tái hòu zhàn zhe yī gè shí sān、 sì suì de xiǎo nán hái， hái yòu gè nián jì gèng xiǎo de nán hái zǐ， yòu rén yào jiǔ shí， tā jiù gěi sòng qù。 bǎi zhe qiē suì de huáng guā， hēi miàn bāo gān， qiē chéng yī kuài kuài de yú； zhè yī qiēdōu yòu yī gǔ nán wén de qì wèi。 yòu mèn yòu rè， zuò zài zhè lǐ jiǎn zhí ràng rén shòu bù liǎo， ér qiě yī qiēdōu shèn tòu liǎo jiǔ wèi， sì hū dān wén wén zhè 'ér de kōng qì， bù xiāo wǔ fēn zhōng jiù huì gěi xūn dé xūn xūn dà zuì。
yòu shí huì pèng dào zhè yàng yī xiē rén， wǒ men hé tā men shèn zhì sù bù xiāng shí， dàn bù zhī zěn de， lián yī jù huà dū hái méi shuō， què tū rán yī xià zǐ， gāng yī jiàn miàn jiù yǐn qǐ wǒ men de xīng qù。 nà gè zuò dé shāo yuǎn、 hǎo xiàng tuì zhí guān lì de kè rén， jiù zhèng shì ràng lā sī kē lì ní kē fū chǎn shēng liǎo zhè yàng de yìn xiàng。 yǐ hòu zhè nián qīng rén bù zhǐ yī cì huí xiǎng qǐ zhè dì yī cì yìn xiàng， shèn zhì rèn wéi zhè shì yóu yù gǎn zào chéng de。 tā bù duàn dì dǎliang nà gè guān lì， dāng rán， zhè yě shì yīn wéi nà rén yě zài yī gè jìn 'ér dì chǒu zhe tā， ér qiě kàn dé chū lái， nà rén hěn xiǎng kāi kǒu gēn tā shuō huà。 duì jiǔ guǎn lǐ qí yú de rén， bāo kuò lǎo bǎn zài nèi， nà guān lì què bù zhī zěn dì sì hū zǎo yǐ jīng kàn guàn liǎo， shèn zhì gǎn dào wú liáo， ér qiě dài yòu mǒu zhǒng 'ào màn de miǎo shì yì wèi， jiù xiàng duì dài shè huì dì wèi hé wén huà chéng dù dōuhěn dī de rén men nà yàng， jué dé gēn tā men gēn běn wú huà kě tán。 zhè shì yī gè yǐ jīng nián guò bàn bǎi de rén， zhōng děng shēn cái， tǐ gé jiàn zhuàng， bìn yòu báifà， tóu dǐng shàng tū liǎo lǎo dà yī kuài， yóu yú jīng cháng xù jiǔ， fú zhǒng de huáng liǎn shèn zhì yòu diǎn 'ér fā lǜ， shāo wēi zhǒng zhàng de yǎn pí dǐ xià， yī shuāng xì dé xiàng liǎng tiáo xì féng、 rán 'ér hěn yòu jīng shén、 wēi wēi fā hóng de xiǎo yǎn jīng jiǒng jiǒng fā guāng。 dàn tā shēn shàng yòu mǒu zhǒng hěn qí guài de xiàn xiàng； tā de mù guāng lǐ liú lù chū shèn zhì fǎng fó shì xīng gāo cǎi liè de shén qíng， héng héng kàn lái， jì yòu lǐ xìng， yòu yòu zhì huì， héng héng dàn tóng shí yòu yǐn yuē xiǎn shì chū fēng kuáng de jì xiàng。 tā chuān yī jiàn yǐ jīng wán quán pò pò làn làn de hēi sè jiù yàn wěi fú， niǔ kòu jīhū dū diào guāng liǎo。 zhǐ yòu yī kē hái miǎnqiǎng lián zài shàng miàn， tā jiù shì yòng zhè kē niǔ kòu bǎ yī fú kòu shàng， kàn lái shì xī wàng bǎo chí tǐ miàn。 huáng tǔ bù kǎn jiān xià lù chū zhòu dé bù xiàng yàng zǐ、 wū jì bān bān de zàng xiōng yī。 hé suǒ yòu guān yuán yī yàng， tā méi liú hú zǐ， bù guò liǎn yǐ jīng guā guò hěn jiǔ liǎo， suǒ yǐ yǐ jīng kāi shǐ cháng chū liǎo nóng mì de、 huī lán sè de hú zǐ chá。 ér qiě tā de xíng wéi jǔ zhǐ dàngzhēn dōuyòu yī zhǒng guān yuán men suǒ tè yòu de zhuāng zhòng fēng dù。 dàn shì tā xiǎn dé fán zào bù 'ān， bǎ tóu fā nòng dé luàn péng péng de， yòu shí shén qíng yōu yù， bǎ xiù zǐ yǐ jīng mó pò de gēbo zhǒu chēng zài hěn zàng 'ér qiě nián dā dā de zhuō zǐ shàng， yòng shuāng shǒu tuō zhe nǎo dài。 zuì hòu， tā zhí duì zhe lā sī kē lì ní kē fū kàn liǎo yī yǎn， gāo shēng 'ér jiān jué dì shuō：
“ wǒ de xiān shēng， shù wǒ mào mèi， bù zhī néng fǒu yǔ nín pān tán jǐ jù？ yīn wéi suī rán nín yī zhù bìng bù kǎo jiū， dàn píng wǒ de jīng yàn què néng kàn chū， nín shì yī wèi shòu guò jiào yù de rén， yě bù cháng hē jiǔ。 wǒ yī xiàng zūn zhòng shòu guò jiào yù 'ér qiě zhēn xīn chéng yì de rén， chú cǐ 'ér wài， wǒ hái shì gè jiǔ děng wén guān① ní。 mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū héng héng zhè shì wǒ de xìng； jiǔ děng wén guān。 shù wǒ mào mèi， qǐng wèn nín zài gōng zuò má？”
--------
① yī qī 'èr 'èr nián bǐ dé dà dì zhì dìng“ děng jí biǎo”， suǒ yòu wén wǔ guān yuán fēn wéi shí sì děng， yī děng zuì gāo， shí sì děng zuì dī。 jiǔ děng wén guān xiāng dāng yú dà wèi。
“ bù， wǒ zài qiú xué……” qīng nián rén huí dá。 tā gǎn dào jīng yà， zhè yòu yī bù fēn shì yóu yú duì fāng shuō huà de yǔ qì tè bié jiáo róu zào zuò， yě yóu yú tā jìng shì nà me zhí jié liǎo dāng dì hé tā shuō huà。 jìn guǎn bù jiǔ qián yòu nà me duǎn zàn de shùn jiān tā xiǎng yǔ rén jiāo wǎng， bù guǎn shì shénme yàng de jiāo wǎng dōuhǎo， dàn dāng zhēn yòu rén hé tā shuō huà shí， cái tīng dào dì yī jù huà， tā jiù yòu tū rán gǎn dào yàn 'è hé nǎo nù liǎo， héng héng duì suǒ yòu yǔ tā jiē chù、 huò xiǎng yào hé tā jiē chù de rén， tōng cháng tādōu huì chǎn shēng zhè zhǒng yàn 'è hé nǎo nù de xīn qíng。
“ nà me shuō， shì dà xué shēng liǎo， huò zhě yǐ qián shì dà xué shēng！” guān lì gāo shēng shuō，“ wǒ jiù shì zhè yàng xiǎng de！ jīng yàn má， xiān shēng， lǚ shì bù shuǎng de jīng yàn liǎo！” bìng qiě zì wǒ chuī shī dì bǎ yī gēn shǒu zhǐ 'àn zài qián 'é shàng。“ yǐ qián shì dà xué shēng， huò zhě gǎo guò xué shù yán jiū！ duì bù qǐ……” tā qiàn qǐ shēn lái， yáo huàng liǎo yī xià， ná qǐ zì jǐ de jiǔ hú hé jiǔ bēi， zuò dào qīng nián rén bàng biān， shāo yòu diǎn 'ér xié duì zhe tā。 tā hē zuì liǎo， bù guò réng rán jiàn tán， shuō huà yě hěn liú lì， zhǐ shì 'ǒu 'ěr yòu de dì fāng qián yán bù dā hòu yǔ， ér qiě luó lǐ luó suō。 tā shèn zhì nà yàng jíqiè dì kě wàng yǔ lā sī kē lì ní kē fū jiāo tán， hǎo xiàng yòu zhěng zhěng yī gè yuè méi gēn rén shuō guò huà shìde。
“ xiān shēng，” tā jīhū shì zhèng zhòng qí shì dì kāi shǐ shuō，“ pín qióng bù shì zuì 'è， zhè shì zhēn lǐ。 wǒ zhī dào， xù jiǔ bù shì měi dé， zhè gèng shì zhēn lǐ。 kě shì chì pín， xiān shēng， chì pín què shì zuì 'è。 pín qióng de shí hòu， nín hái néng bǎo chí zì jǐ tiān shēng gǎn qíng de gāo shàng qì dù， zài chì pín de qíng kuàng xià， què wú lùn shénme shí hòu， wú lùn shénme réndōu zuò bù dào。 wèile chì pín， shèn zhì bù shì bǎ rén yòng gùn zǐ gǎn zǒu， ér shì ná sǎo zhǒu bǎ tā cóng rén lèi shè huì lǐ qīng sǎo chū qù， ràng tā shòu gèng dà de； ér qiě zhè shì gōng zhèng de， yīn wéi zài chì pín de qíng kuàng xià， wǒ zì jǐ shǒu xiān jiù zhǔn bèi zì jǐ。 yú shì jiù zhǎo dào liǎo jiǔ！ xiān shēng， yī gè yuè yǐ qián， wǒ tài tài ràng liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng tòng dǎ liǎo yī dùn， bù guò wǒ tài tài kě bù shì wǒ zhè zhǒng rén！ nín míng bái má？ duì bù qǐ， wǒ hái yào wèn nín yī shēng， jí shǐ zhǐ shì chū yú yī bān de hàoqí xīn： nín zài niè wǎ hé shàng de gān cǎo chuán① lǐ guò guò yè má？”
--------
① shí jiǔ shì jì liù shí nián dài， nà lǐ shì bǐ dé bǎo wú jiā kě guī zhě guò yè de dì fāng。
“ méi yòu， méi yòu guò guò yè，” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū huí dá。“ zhè shì shénme yì sī？”
“ āi， wǒ jiù shì cóng nà 'ér lái de， yǐ jīng shì dì wǔ yè liǎo……”
tā zhēn liǎo yī bēi jiǔ， hē gān liǎo， yú shì xiàn rù chén sī。 zhēn de， tā de yī fú shàng， shèn zhì lián tā de tóu fā lǐ， yòu xiē dì fāng hái kě yǐ kàn dào nián zài shàng miàn de yī gēn gēn gān cǎo。 hěn yòu kě néng， tā yǐ jīng wǔ tiān méi tuō yī fú， yě méi xǐ liǎn liǎo。 yóu qí shì yī shuāng shǒu zàng dé yào mìng， mǎn shǒu yóu gòu， fā hóng， zhǐ jiá lǐ qiàn mǎn hēi sè de wū ní。
tā de huà hǎo xiàng yǐn qǐ liǎo dà jiā de zhù yì。 suī shuō zhè zhù yì yě shì wú jīng dǎ cǎi de。 guì tái hòu miàn de liǎng gè nán hái zǐ chī chī dì xiào qǐ lái。 lǎo bǎn hǎo xiàng gù yì cóng shàng miàn de fáng jiān lǐ xià lái， hǎo lái tīng tīng zhè gè“ dòu lè de jiā huǒ” zài shuō shí me。 tā zuò dào shāo yuǎn yī diǎn 'ér de dì fāng， lǎn yáng yáng dì、 dàn shén qì shí zú dì dǎzháo hē qiàn。 xiǎn rán， mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū zǎo yǐ shì zhè 'ér dà jiādōu shú xī de rén liǎo。 ér qiě tā 'ài yòng jiáo róu zào zuò de yǔ qì shuō huà， dà gài shì yóu yú tā xí guàn jīng cháng hé jiǔ guǎn lǐ xíng xíng sè sè sù bù xiāng shí de rén tán huà。 zhè zhǒng xí guàn duì yòu xiē jiǔ guǐ yǐ jīng biàn chéng liǎo yī zhǒng xū yào， zhù yào shì tā men dāng zhōng nà xiē zài jiā lǐ yán shòu guǎn shù、 jīng cháng shòu dào yā zhì de rén。 yīn cǐ tā men zài tóng yàng shì jiǔ rú mìng de zhè huǒ rén zhōng jiān， cái zǒng shì lì tú wéi zì jǐ biǎo bái， fǎng fó shì shè fǎ gěi zì jǐ biàn jiě， rú guǒ kě néng de huà， shèn zhì shì tú bó dé bié rén de zūn jìng。
“ dòu lè de jiā huǒ！” lǎo bǎn gāo shēng shuō。“ kě nǐ gànmá bù qù gōng zuò， gànmá bù qù bàn gōng， jì rán nǐ shì gè guān yuán？”
“ wǒ wèishénme bù qù bàn gōng má， xiān shēng，” mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū jiē zhù huà chá shuō， zhè huà shì dān duì zhe lā sī kē lì ní kē fū shuō de， fǎng fó zhè shì tā xiàng tā tí chū liǎo zhè gè wèn tí。“ wèishénme bù qù bàn gōng má？ nán dào wǒ zì qīng zì jiàn、 tú rán jiàng dī zì jǐ de shēn fèn， zì jǐ bù jué dé xīn tòng má？ yī gè yuè yǐ qián， dāng liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng dòng shǒu dǎ wǒ qī zǐ de shí hòu， wǒ hē dé zuì xūn xūn dì tǎng zài chuáng shàng， nán dào wǒ bù gǎn dào tòng kǔ má？ duì bù qǐ， nián qīng rén， nín shì bù shì yòu guò…… ǹg hēng…… suī rán míng zhī háo wú xī wàng， kě hái shì bù dé bù kāi kǒu xiàng rén jiè qián？”
“ yòu guò…… háo wú xī wàng shì shénme yì sī？”
“ jiù shì wán quán méi yòu xī wàng， shì xiān jiù zhī dào zhè jué bù huì yòu shénme jiēguǒ。 nuò， pì rú shuō bā， nín zǎo jiù zhī dào， ér qiě yòu chōng fēn gēn jù， zhī dào zhè gè rén， zhè gè xīn dì zuì shàn liáng、 duì shè huì zuì yòu yì de gōng mín wú lùn rú hé yě bù huì bǎ qián jiè gěi nín。 yīn wéi， qǐng wèn， tā wèishénme yào gěi ní？ bù shì má， tā míng míng zhī dào， zhè bù huì hái gěi tā。 chū yú tóng qíng xīn má？ kě shì liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng， zhè gè jīng cháng liú xīn gè zhǒng xīn sī xiǎng de rén， bù jiǔ qián jiě shì shuō， zài wǒ men zhè gè shí dài， jiù lián kē xué yě bù yǔn xǔ yòu tóng qíng xīn， zài yòu liǎo jīng jì xué de yīng guó jiù shì zhè yàng① qǐng wèn， tā wèishénme yào gěi qián ní？ qiáo， nín shì xiān jiù zhī dào， tā jué bù huì jiè gěi nín， kě nín hái shì qù liǎo……”
“ wèishénme yào qù ní？” lā sī kē lì ní kē fū zhuī wèn yī jù。
“ rú guǒ méi yòu bié rén kě zhǎo， rú guǒ zài yě wú chù kě qù ní！ bù shì má， dé ràng měi gè rén zhì shǎo yòu gè shénme kě yǐ qù de dì fāng 'ā。 yīn wéi cháng cháng yòu zhè yàng de shí hòu， yī dìng dé zhì shǎo yòu gè kě yǐ qù de dì fāng！ wǒ de dú shēng nǚ 'ér tóu yī cì qù lā shēng yì de shí hòu， wǒ yě qù liǎo……（ yīn wéi wǒ nǚ 'ér kào huáng sè zhí zhào② shēng huó……）” tā fù dài jiā shàng liǎo yī jù， tóng shí yòu diǎn 'ér shén sè bù 'ān dì kàn liǎo kàn qīng nián rén。“ méi shí me， xiān shēng， méi shí me！” guì tái hòu miàn de liǎng gè nán hái pū chī yī shēng xiào liǎo chū lái， lǎo bǎn yě wēi wēi yī xiào， zhè shí tā lì kè cōng cōng máng máng dì shuō， kàn lái shén qíng shì 'ān xiáng de。“ méi shí me！ zhè xiē rén yáo tóu wǒ bù huì gǎn dào bù hǎo yì sī， yīn wéi zhè yī qiē dà jiādōu yǐ jīng zhī dào liǎo， yī qiē mì mì dū gōng kāi liǎo； ér qiě wǒ bù shì yǐ miè shì de tài dù， ér shì huái zhe gōng shùn de xīn qíng lái duì dài zhè yī qiē de。 yóu tā qù bā！ ràng tā men xiào bā！ ‘ nǐ men kàn zhè gè rén！ ’ ③ duì bù qǐ， nián qīng rén： nín néng bù néng…… kě shì， bù， yòng yī zhǒng gèng jiā yòu lì、 gèng fù yòu biǎo xiàn lì de fāng shì， shuō dé gèng qīng chǔ xiē： nín néng bù néng， nín gǎn bù gǎn xiàn zài kàn zhe wǒ kěn dìng dì shuō，“ wǒ bù shì zhū luó？”
--------
① zhǐ yīng guó zhé xué jiā、 jīng jì xué jiā yuē · sī · mǐ lì（ yī bā liù héng héng yī bā qī sān） de《 jīng jì xué yuán lǐ）， gāi shū de 'é yì běn shì yī bā liù wǔ nián chū bǎn de。 mǐ lì rèn wéi， rén de xíng wéi、 yuàn wàng nǎi zhì kǔ nán dōushì yóu tā men de jīng jì dì wèi shì xiān jué dìng de。 tuó sī tuǒ yé fū sī jī bù tóng yì zhè zhǒng guān diǎn。
② zhǐ zuò jì nǚ。 dì 'é shí， jì nǚ yào zài jú lǐng huáng sè zhí zhào。
③ yǐn zì《 xīn yuē quán shū · yuē hàn fú yīn》 dì shí jiǔ zhāng dì wǔ jié：“ yé sū chū lái， dài zhe jīng jí guān miǎn， chuānzhuó zǐ páo， bǐ lā duō duì tā men shuō， nǐ men kàn zhè gè rén。”
nián qīng rén shénme yě méi yòu huí dá。
“ ǹg，” děng dào wū lǐ suí zhī 'ér lái de chī chī de xiào shēng tíng xià lái yǐ hòu， zhè wèi yǎn shuō jiā yòu zhuāng zhòng dì， zhè yī huí shèn zhì shì gèng jiā zūn yán dì jiē zhe shuō：“ ǹg， jiù suàn wǒ shì zhū luó bā， kě tā shì yī wèi tài tài！ wǒ de xíng xiàng xiàng chù shēng， ér kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà， wǒ de qī zǐ， shì gè shòu guò jiào yù de rén， shì wèi xiào jí jūn guān de nǚ 'ér。 jiù suàn， jiù suàn wǒ shì gè xià liú pī bā， tā què yòu yī kē gāo shàng de xīn， shòu guò jiào yù， mǎn huái chóng gāo de gǎn qíng。 rán 'ér，…… ō， rú guǒ tā lián mǐn wǒ de huà！ xiān shēng， xiān shēng， yào zhī dào， dé ràng měi gè rén zhì shǎo yòu gè néng lián mǐn tā de dì fāng 'ā！ ér kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà suī rán shì yī wèi kuān hóng dà liàng de tài tài， kě shì tā bù gōng zhèng…… suī rán wǒ zì jǐ yě zhī dào， tā jiū wǒ tóu fā de shí hòu， zhǐ bù guò shì chū yú tā de lián mǐn xīn， yīn wéi， wǒ fǎn fù shuō， tā jiū wǒ de tóu fā， wǒ bìng bù gǎn dào nán wéi qíng， nián qīng rén，” tā yòu tīng jiàn yī zhèn chī chī de xiào shēng， huái zhe jiā bèi de zì zūn chéng rèn dào，“ bù guò， tiān nǎ， rú guǒ tā nǎ pà shì jǐn jǐn yòu yī cì…… kě shì， bù！ bù！ zhè yī qiēdōu shì tú rán de， méi shí me hǎo shuō de！ méi shí me hǎo shuō de liǎo！…… yīn wéi wǒ suǒ xī wàng de yǐ jīng bù zhǐ yī cì chéng wéi xiàn shí， yǐ jīng bù zhǐ yī cì lián mǐn guò wǒ liǎo， kě shì……
wǒ jiù shì zhè me gè dé xìng， wǒ shì gè tiān shēng de chù shēng！”
“ kě bù shì！” lǎo bǎn dǎzháo hē qiàn shuō。
mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū jiān jué dì yòng quán tóu chuí liǎo chuí zhuō zǐ。
“ wǒ jiù shì zhè me gè dé xìng！ nín zhī dào má， xiān shēng， wǒ lián tā de cháng wà dū ná qù mài diào， hē guāng liǎo？ bù shì xié zǐ， yīn wéi zhè zhì shǎo hái duō shǎo hé hū qíng lǐ。 kě shì cháng wà， bǎ tā de cháng wà mài diào， hē guāng liǎo！ tā de yī tiáo shān yáng máo tóu jīn yě ràng wǒ mài diào， hē guāng liǎo， shì rén jiā cóng qián sòng gěi tā de， shì tā zì jǐ de， ér bù shì wǒ de； kě wǒ men zhù zài bàn jiān hán lěng de fáng wū lǐ， zhè gè dōng tiān tā zhe liǎo liáng， ké sòu qǐ lái， yǐ jīng tù xuè liǎo。 wǒ men yòu sān gè xiǎo hái zǐ， kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà cóng zǎo dào wǎn máng gè bù tíng， cā 'ā， xǐ 'ā， gěi hái zǐ men xǐ zǎo， yīn wéi tā cóng xiǎo jiù 'ài gān jìng， kě tā de xiōng bù bù jiàn kāng， hěn kě néng hài liǎo láo bìng， zhè wǒ yě gǎn jué dào liǎo。 nán dào wǒ gǎn jué bù dào má？ jiǔ hē dé yuè duō， yuè gǎn jué dé chū lái。 jiù shì wèicǐ wǒ cái hē jiǔ de， xiǎng zài jiǔ zhōng xún zhǎo tóng qíng hé 'ài qíng…… wǒ hē jiǔ， shì yīn wéi wǒ xiǎng dé dào jiā bèi de tòng kǔ！” shuō zhe， tā fǎng fó jué wàng dì cháo zhuō zǐ chuí xià liǎo tóu。
“ nián qīng rén，” tā yòu tǐng zhí liǎo yāo， jiē zhe shuō，“ wǒ cóng nín liǎn shàng kàn chū， nín hǎo xiàng yòu shénme bù xìng de shì qíng。 nín yī jìn lái， wǒ jiù kàn chū lái liǎo， suǒ yǐ lì kè jiù gēn nín jiāo tán qǐ lái。 yīn wéi， wǒ bǎ zì jǐ de shēng huó gù shì gào sù nín， bìng bù shì xiǎng zài zhè xiē yóu shǒu hǎo xián de jiā huǒ miàn qián zuò jiàn zì jǐ， zhè yī qiē， wǒ bù shuō tā men yědōu zhī dào， wǒ shuō zhè xiē， shì wéi liǎo xún zhǎo yī gè fù yòu tóng qíng xīn hé shòu guò jiào yù de rén。 nín tīng wǒ shuō， wǒ de qī zǐ zài shěng lǐ yī suǒ guì zú gāo děng nǚ zǐ xué xiào lǐ shòu guò jiào yù， bì yè de shí hòu， shěng cháng hé qí tā shè huì míng liú dōuzài zuò， tā tiào liǎo pī jīn wǔ①， wèicǐ dé liǎo yī méi jīn zhì jiǎng zhāng hé yī zhāng jiǎng zhuàng。 jiǎng zhāng má…… jiǎng zhāng ràng wǒ mài diào huàn jiǔ hē guāng liǎo…… yǐ jīng hěn jiǔ liǎo…… ǹg，…… jiǎng zhuàng dào xiàn zài hái fàng zài tā de xiāng zǐ lǐ， bù jiǔ qián tā hái ná gěi nǚ fáng dōng kàn guò。 suī rán tā gēn fáng dōng jīng cháng bù duàn dì zhēng chǎo， bù guò hái shì xiǎng zài rén qián kuā yào yī fān， bǎ guò qù de xìng fú rì zǐ gào sù rén jiā， bù guǎn tā shì shénme réndōu xíng。 wǒ bìng bù zhǐ zé tā， wǒ bìng bù zé bèi tā， yīn wéi zhè shì tā jì yì lǐ shèng xià de zuì hòu yī diǎn 'ān wèi， qí yú de quándōu yān xiāo yún sàn liǎo。 shì 'ā， shì 'ā； shì yī wèi xìng qíng jí zào， gāo 'ào 'ér yòu juéjiàng de tài tài。 zì jǐ cā xǐ dì bǎn， kěn hēi miàn bāo， kě shì jué bù ràng rén bù zūn zhòng zì jǐ。 zhèng shì yīn cǐ tā bù kěn yuán liàng liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng de wú lǐ xíng wéi， liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng wéi zhè dǎ liǎo tā yǐ hòu， tā tǎng dǎo zài chuáng shàng， zhè yǔ qí shuō shì yīn wéi 'āi liǎo dǎ， dǎo bù rú shuō shì yīn wéi shāng liǎo tā de xīn。 wǒ qǔ tā de shí hòu， tā yǐ jīng shì gè guǎ fù， dài zhe sān gè hái zǐ， yī gè bǐ yī gè xiǎo。 tā jià de dì yī gè zhàng fū shì gè bù bīng jūn guān， tā 'ài tā， gēn tā lí jiā sī bēn liǎo。 tā bié tí duō 'ài zì jǐ de zhàng fū liǎo， kě shì tā wán shàng liǎo pái， luò dé chū tíng shòu shěn， jiù zhè me sǐ liǎo。 zuì hòu tā hái dǎ tā， suī rán tā bù yuán liàng tā， zhè wǒ què shí zhī dào， ér qiě yòu kě kào de zhèng jù， dàn shì zhí dào xiàn zài tā hái jīng cháng yǎn lèi wāng wāng dì xiǎng qǐ tā lái， yòng tā lái jiào xùn wǒ， ér wǒ què gǎn dào gāo xīng， wǒ suǒ yǐ gāo xīng， shì yīn wéi， zhì shǎo zài tā xiǎng xiàng zhōng， tā rèn wéi zì jǐ yòu yī gè shí qī shì xìng fú de…… tā sǐ liǎo yǐ hòu， tā hé sān gè nián líng hěn xiǎo de hái zǐ liú zài yī gè jí qí piān yuǎn de xiàn chéng lǐ， dāng shí wǒ zhèng hǎo yě zài nà 'ér， tā shēng huó jí duān pín kùn， jīhū xiàn yú jué jìng， suī shuō wǒ jiàn guò xǔ xǔ duō duō gè shì gè yàng bù tóng xún cháng de shì qíng， kě jiù lián wǒ yě wú fǎ miáo huì tā de chǔjìng。 qīn qī dōubù rèn tā liǎo。 ér qiě tā gāo 'ào dé hěn， gāo 'ào dé tài guò fēn liǎo…… ér nà shí hòu， xiān shēng， nà shí hòu wǒ yě chéng liǎo guān fū， yòu gè qián qī liú xià de shí sì suì de nǚ 'ér， yú shì wǒ xiàng tā qiú hūn liǎo， yīn wéi wǒ bù rěn xīn kàn dào tā shòu zhè yàng de kǔ。 yī gè shòu guò jiào yù、 yòu yòu jiào yǎng、 chū shēn míng mén de nǚ rén， jìng tóng yì xià jià gěi wǒ， dān píng zhè diǎn nín jiù kě yǐ xiǎng jiàn， tā de kǔ nán yǐ jīng dá dào liǎo shénme dì bù！ kě shì tā jià gěi liǎo wǒ！ tā tòng kū liú tì， bēi tòng yù jué， héng héng kě shì jià gěi liǎo wǒ！ yīn wéi zǒu tóu wú lù 'ā。 nín kě míng bái， nín kě míng bái， xiān shēng， dāng yī gè rén yǐ jīng zǒu tóu wú lù de shí hòu yì wèi zhe shénme má？ bù！ zhè yī diǎn nín hái bù míng bái…… zhěng zhěng yī nián， wǒ qián chéng、 yán gé dì lǚ xíng zì jǐ de yì wù， cóng wèi pèng guò zhè wán yì 'ér（ tā shēn chū yī zhǐ shǒu zhǐ pèng liǎo pèng nà gè néng zhuāng bàn shí tuō fū② de jiǔ hú）， yīn wéi wǒ yòu gǎn qíng。 bù guò jiù shì zhè yàng， wǒ yě méi néng yíng dé tā de huān xīn； ér zhè shí hòu wǒ shī yè liǎo， yě bù shì yīn wéi wǒ yòu shénme guò cuò， ér shì yīn wéi rén shì biàn dòng， yú shì wǒ hē qǐ jiǔ lái！…… yī nián bàn yǐ qián， jīng guò cháng tú bá shè hé shù bù jìn de zāinàn zhī hòu， wǒ men zhōng yú lái dào liǎo zhè hóng wěi zhuàng lì、 yòng wú shù jì niàn bēi zhuāng shì qǐ lái de shǒu dū。 zài zhè 'ér wǒ yòu zhǎo dào liǎo gōng zuò…… zhǎo dào liǎo， yòu diū diào liǎo。 nín míng bái má？ zhè cì kě shì yóu yú wǒ zì jǐ de guò cuò， diū diào liǎo chāishi， yīn wéi wǒ de liè gēn xìng bào lù liǎo…… mù qián wǒ men zhù zài bàn jiān fáng wū lǐ， zhù zài nǚ fáng dōngē mǎ lì yà · fèi duō luó fú nà · lì pèi wéi hè zé 'ěr nà 'ér， wǒ men kào shénme guò huó， ná shénme fù fáng zū， wǒ zì jǐ yě bù zhī dào。 nà 'ér zhù zhe hěn duō rén， chú liǎo wǒ men…… jiǎn zhí shì suǒ duō mǎ③， hùn luàn jí liǎo…… ǹg…… shì de…… jiù zài zhè shí hòu， wǒ qián qī shēng de nǚ 'ér zhǎngdà liǎo， tā， wǒ nǚ 'ér， zài nà zhǎngdà chéng rén de zhè duàn shí jiān lǐ shòu guò jì mǔ duō shǎo， zhè wǒ jiù bù shuō liǎo。 yīn wéi kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà suī rán kuān hóng dà liàng， què shì yī wèi xìng qíng jí zào、 hěn róng yì shēng qì de tài tài， ér qiě bù ràng bié rén shuō huà…… shì 'ā！ āi， zhè xiē dōuméi shí me hǎo huí yì de！ suǒ ní yà méi shòu guò jiào yù， zhè nín kě yǐ xiǎng xiàng dé chū lái。 sì nián qián wǒ céng cháng shì jiào tā dì lǐ hé shì jiè tōng shǐ； bù guò wǒ zì jǐ dǒng dé de yě bù duō， ér qiě méi yòu shìdàng de jiào kē shū， yīn wéi jǐn yòu de yī xiē shū jí…… ǹg！…… āi， zhè xiē shū xiàn zài yǐ jīng méi yòu liǎo， suǒ yǐ quán bù jiào yù jiù zhè yàng jié shù liǎo。 wǒ men zhǐ dú dào liǎo bō sī de jū lǔ shì dà dì ④。 hòu lái， tā yǐ jīng chéng nián yǐ hòu， kàn guò jǐ běn 'ài qíng xiǎo shuō， bù jiǔ yǐ qián， tōng guò liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng， hái kàn guò yī běn liú yì shì de《 shēng lǐ xué》 ⑤， héng héng nín zhī dào zhè běn shū má？ héng héng tā huái zhe hěn dà de xīng qù kàn wán liǎo， shèn zhì hái gěi wǒ men niàn guò qí zhōng de jǐ gè piàn duàn： zhè jiù shì tā suǒ shòu de quán bù jiào yù。 xiàn zài wǒ wèn nín， wǒ de xiān shēng， wǒ yǐ wǒ zì jǐ de míng yì xiàng nín tí chū yī gè fēi zhèng shì de wèn tí： zhào nín kàn， yī gè pín qióng、 rán 'ér qīng bái wú xiá de gū niàn， kào zì jǐ chéng shí de láo dòng néng zhèng dào hěn duō qián má？…… xiān shēng， rú guǒ tā qīng qīng bái bái， yòu méi yòu tè shū cái néng， jí shǐ shuāng shǒu yī kè bù tíng dì gànhuó， yī tiān yě zhèng bù dào shí wǔ gè gē bǐ！ ér qiě wǔ děng wén guān kè luò pǔ shí tuō kè， yī wàn · yī wàn nuò wéi qí， héng héng zhè gè rén nín tīng shuō guò má？ héng héng jiè kǒu tā zuò de chèn yī lǐng zǐ chǐ cùn bù duì， ér qiě féng wāi liǎo， bù jǐn nà bàn dǎ hé lán chèn yī de gōng qián dào xiàn zài hái méi gěi， shèn zhì zhàng shì qī rén， duǒ duǒ jiǎo， yòng hěn nán tīng de huà pò kǒu dà mà， bǎ tā gǎn liǎo chū lái。 kě shì zhè shí hòu jǐ gè hái zǐ dōuzài 'ái’è…… zhè shí hòu kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà tòng kǔ dì cuō zhuóshǒu， zài wū lǐ zǒu lái zǒu qù， liǎn shàng fàn chū hóng yùn， héng héng hài zhè zhǒng bìng de rén zǒng shì zhè yàng：‘ nǐ， zhè gè hàochī lǎn zuò de jiā huǒ，’ tā shuō，‘ zhù zài wǒ men zhè 'ér， yòu chī， yòu hē， hái yào qǔ nuǎn，’ kě zhè 'ér yòu shénme hàohē、 hǎochīde ní， jì rán hái zǐ men yǐ jīng sān tiān méi jiàn dào miàn liǎo！ dāng shí wǒ zhèng tǎng zhe…… āi， yòu shénme hǎo shuō de ní？ wǒ zuì xūn xūn dì tǎng zhe， tīng dào wǒ de suǒ ní yà shuō（ tā xìng qíng wēn hé， shuō huà de shēng yīn yě shì nà me róu hé…… yī tóu dàn huáng sè de tóu fā， xiǎo liǎn dàn 'ér cāng bái， xiāo shòu）， tā shuō，‘ zěn me， kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà， nán dào wǒ fēi dé qù gān zhè zhǒng shì qíng má？’ ér dá lǐ yà · fú lán zuǒ fú nà， zhè gè jū xīn bù liáng de nǚ rén， jú lǐ duì tā yě shú xī dé hěn， tā yǐ jīng tōng guò nǚ fáng dōng lái guò sān cì liǎo。‘ yòu shénme ní？’。 kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà cháo xiào dì huí dá，‘ ài hù zhēn jié gànshénme？ hēi， zhè kě zhēn shì gè bǎo bèi 'ā！’ bù guò qǐng bié zé bèi tā， qǐng bié zé bèi tā， xiān shēng， qǐng bié zé bèi tā！ tā shuō zhè huà shì zài shī qù lǐ xìng de shí hòu， jīng shén yǐ jīng bù zhèng cháng liǎo， shì zài gǎn qíng jī dòng 'ér qiě yòu bìng de qíng kuàng xià， shì zài tīng dào 'ái’è de hái zǐ kū shēng de shí hòu， ér qiě tā shuō zhè huà yǔ qí shuō shì zhēn yòu zhè gè yì sī， bù rú shuō shì wèile wǔ rǔ tā…… yīn wéi kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà jiù shì zhè yàng de xìng gé， zhǐ yào hái zǐ men yī kū， nǎ pà shì yīn wéi 'è dé huāng， tā yě lì kè dòng shǒu qù dǎ tā men。 wǒ kàn dào， dà yuē wǔ diǎn duō zhōng de shí hòu， suǒ niè qí kǎ qǐ lái， bāo shàng tóu jīn， pī shàng dǒu péng， cóng wū lǐ zǒu liǎo chū qù， dào bā diǎn duō zhōng huí lái liǎo。 tā yī huí lái， jìng zhí zǒu dào kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà gēn qián， yī shēng bù xiǎng dì bǎ sān shí gè lú bù bǎi dào tā miàn qián de zhuō zǐ shàng。 zhè me zuò de shí hòu tā yī jù huà yě méi yòu shuō， nǎ pà kàn tā yī yǎn yě hǎo， kě lián kàn dū méi kàn， zhǐ shì ná liǎo wǒ men nà kuài lǜ sè dé lā dé dá mǔ ní de dà tóu jīn（ wǒ men yòu zhè me yī kuài gōng yòng de tóu jīn， shì dé lā dé dá mǔ ní de）， yòng tā bǎ tóu hé liǎn quándōu méng qǐ lái， tǎng dào chuáng shàng， liǎn chòngzhe qiáng， zhǐ kàn jiàn shòu xiǎo de jiān bǎng hé quán shēn yī gè jìn 'ér dì dǒu gè bù tíng…… ér wǒ， hái shì xiàng bù jiǔ yǐ qián nà yàng tǎng zhe…… dāng shí wǒ kàn dào， nián qīng rén， wǒ kàn jiàn， zài zhè yǐ hòu， kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà yě shì nà yàng yī yán bù fā， zǒu dào suǒ niè qí kǎ chuáng qián， zài tā jiǎo biān guì liǎo zhěng zhěng yī yè， wěn tā de jiǎo， bù xiǎng qǐ lái， hòu lái， tā liǎ bào zài yī qǐ， jiù zhè yàng shuì zhe liǎo……
liǎng rén yī dào…… liǎng rén yī dào…… ér wǒ…… què zuì xūn xūn dì tǎng zhe。”
--------
① zài bì yè wǎn huì shàng tiào pī jīn wǔ shì chéng jì yōu yì de bì yè shēng de tè quán。
② róng liàng dān wèi， yī shí tuō fū yuē děng yú yī · èr gōng shēng。
③ jiàn《 jiù yuē · chuàng shì jì》 shí jiǔ zhāng 'èr shí sì jié： suǒ duō mǎ hé 'é mó lā liǎng chéng yīn zuì niè shēn zhòng bèi yé hé huá yòng liú huáng hé huǒ shāo huǐ。
④ jū lǔ shì， qián wǔ wǔ bā héng héng qián wǔ 'èr jiǔ nián de bō sī guó wáng。
⑤ zhǐ yīng guó shí zhèng zhù yì zhé xué jiā hé shēng lǐ xué jiā qiáo zhì · liú yì shì（ yī bā yī qī héng héng yī bā qī bā） de《 rì cháng shēng huó de shēng lǐ xué》， shí jiǔ shì jì liù shí nián dài， zài jù yòu wéi wù zhù yì guān diǎn de qīng nián rén zhōng， zhè běn shū hěn shòu huān yíng。
mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū chén mò liǎo， fǎng fó tā de shēng yīn tū rán duàn liǎo。 suí hòu， tā hū rán cōng cōng zhēn liǎo yī bēi jiǔ， yī kǒu hē gān， qīng liǎo qīng sǎng zǐ。
“ cóng nà shí hòu qǐ， wǒ de xiān shēng，” chén mò liǎo yī huì 'ér yǐ hòu， tā jiē zhe shuō，“ yóu yú fā shēng liǎo yī jiàn bù xìng de shì， yě yóu yú yòu xiē jū xīn bù liáng de rén gào fā， héng héng tè bié shì dá lǐ yà · fú lán zuǒ fú nà qǐ liǎo yī dìng zuò yòng， fǎng fó shì wèile méi duì tā biǎo shì yīngyǒu de zūn jìng， héng héng cóng nà shí hòu qǐ， wǒ de nǚ 'ér， suǒ fěi yà · xiè miáo nuò fú nà， jiù lǐng liǎo huáng sè zhí zhào， yīn cǐ bù néng hé wǒ men zhù zài yī qǐ liǎo。 yīn wéi wǒ men de nǚ fáng dōngē mǎ lì yà · fèi duō luó fú nà bù yuàn yì ràng tā zhù zài zhè lǐ（ kě shì yǐ qián tā dǎo bāng guò dá lǐ yà · fú lán zuǒ fú nà de máng）， zài shuō liè bié jiǎ tè ní kē fū xiān shēng…… ǹg…… zhèng shì wèile suǒ ní yà， tā hé kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà zhī jiān cái fā shēng liǎo nà jiàn bù yú kuài de shì。 qǐ chū shì tā zì jǐ yào gēn suǒ ní yà lái wǎng， zhè shí què tū rán biàn dé gāo 'ào zì dà liǎo：‘ zěn me，’ tā shuō，‘ wǒ， yī gè zhè me yòu wén huà de rén， jìng yào gēn zhè yàng yī gè nǚ rén zhù zài yīzhuàng fáng zǐ lǐ má？’ kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà bù fú qì， wéi tā biàn jiě…… yú shì jiù chǎo liǎo qǐ lái…… xiàn zài suǒ niè qí kǎ duō bàn shì zài huáng hūn lái wǒ men zhè lǐ， gěi kǎ jié lín nà · yī wàn nuò fú nà bāng bāng máng， lì suǒ néng jí dì gěi sòng diǎn 'ér qián lái…… tā zhù zài cái féng kǎ pèi 'ěr nà wū mò fū de fáng zǐ lǐ， xiàng tā men zū liǎo yī jiān zhù fáng， kǎ pèi 'ěr nà wū mò fū shì gè bǒ zǐ， shuō huà fā yīn bù qīng chǔ， tā nà yī dà jiā zǐ rén gè gè shuō huà yědōu kǒu chǐ bù qīng。 lián tā lǎo pó shuō huà fā yīn yě bù qīng chǔ…… tā mendōu zhù zài yī jiān wū lǐ， wǒ de suǒ ní yà lìng yòu yī jiān wū zǐ， shì yòng gé bǎn gé kāi de…… ǹg， shì 'ā…… shì xiē zuì qióng kǔ de qióng rén， huà dōushuō bù qīng chǔ…… shì 'ā…… bù guò nà yī tiān qīng zǎo wǒ qǐ lái liǎo， chuān shàng wǒ de pò yī làn shān， jǔ qǐ shuāng shǒu xiàng shàng tiān qí dǎo， rán hòu qù jiàn yī wàn · ā fán nà xī yé wéi qí dà rén。 qǐng wèn nín rèn shí yī wàn · ā fán nà xī yé wéi qí dà rén má？…… bù rèn shí？ zhè yàng yī wèi dào dé gāo shàng de rén， nín jìng huì bù rèn shí！ xīn cháng xiàng là yī yàng ruǎn…… shàng dì miàn qián de là； huì xiàng là yī yàng róng huà！…… tīng wán wǒ de huà， tā shèn zhì diào xià lèi lái。‘ āi，’ tā shuō，‘ mǎ 'ěr méi lā duō fū， yòu yī cì nǐ yǐ jīng gū fù liǎo wǒ de qī wàng…… wǒ jiù zài rèn yòng nǐ yī cì bā， zhè wán quán yóu wǒ gè rén fù zé，’ tā zhè me shuō，‘ nǐ kě yào jì zhù，’ tā shuō，‘ huí qù bā！’ wǒ wěn liǎo wěn tā jiǎo shàng de huī chén， bù guò shì zài xiǎng xiàng zhī zhōng， yīn wéi tā shēn wéi xiǎn guì， yòu zhì guó de xīn sī xiǎng、 xīn wén huà， shì bù yǔn xǔ dàngzhēn zhè me zuò de； wǒ huí dào jiā lǐ， gāng yī shuō chū， wǒ yòu bèi lù yòng， yòu huì lǐng dào xīn fèng liǎo， tiān nǎ， nà shí hòu dà jiā nà gè gāo xīng jìn 'ér 'ā……”
The master of the establishment was in another room, but he frequently came down some steps into the main room, his jaunty, tarred boots with red turn-over tops coming into view each time before the rest of his person. He wore a full coat and a horribly greasy black satin waistcoat, with no cravat, and his whole face seemed smeared with oil like an iron lock. At the counter stood a boy of about fourteen, and there was another boy somewhat younger who handed whatever was wanted. On the counter lay some sliced cucumber, some pieces of dried black bread, and some fish, chopped up small, all smelling very bad. It was insufferably close, and so heavy with the fumes of spirits that five minutes in such an atmosphere might well make a man drunk.
There are chance meetings with strangers that interest us from the first moment, before a word is spoken. Such was the impression made on Raskolnikov by the person sitting a little distance from him, who looked like a retired clerk. The young man often recalled this impression afterwards, and even ascribed it to presentiment. He looked repeatedly at the clerk, partly no doubt because the latter was staring persistently at him, obviously anxious to enter into conversation. At the other persons in the room, including the tavern- keeper, the clerk looked as though he were used to their company, and weary of it, showing a shade of condescending contempt for them as persons of station and culture inferior to his own, with whom it would be useless for him to converse. He was a man over fifty, bald and grizzled, of medium height, and stoutly built. His face, bloated from continual drinking, was of a yellow, even greenish, tinge, with swollen eyelids out of which keen reddish eyes gleamed like little chinks. But there was something very strange in him; there was a light in his eyes as though of intense feeling--perhaps there were even thought and intelligence, but at the same time there was a gleam of something like madness. He was wearing an old and hopelessly ragged black dress coat, with all its buttons missing except one, and that one he had buttoned, evidently clinging to this last trace of respectability. A crumpled shirt front, covered with spots and stains, protruded from his canvas waistcoat. Like a clerk, he wore no beard, nor moustache, but had been so long unshaven that his chin looked like a stiff greyish brush. And there was something respectable and like an official about his manner too. But he was restless; he ruffled up his hair and from time to time let his head drop into his hands dejectedly resting his ragged elbows on the stained and sticky table. At last he looked straight at Raskolnikov, and said loudly and resolutely:
"May I venture, honoured sir, to engage you in polite conversation? Forasmuch as, though your exterior would not command respect, my experience admonishes me that you are a man of education and not accustomed to drinking. I have always respected education when in conjunction with genuine sentiments, and I am besides a titular counsellor in rank. Marmeladov--such is my name; titular counsellor. I make bold to inquire--have you been in the service?"
"No, I am studying," answered the young man, somewhat surprised at the grandiloquent style of the speaker and also at being so directly addressed. In spite of the momentary desire he had just been feeling for company of any sort, on being actually spoken to he felt immediately his habitual irritable and uneasy aversion for any stranger who approached or attempted to approach him.
"A student then, or formerly a student," cried the clerk. "Just what I thought! I'm a man of experience, immense experience, sir," and he tapped his forehead with his fingers in self-approval. "You've been a student or have attended some learned institution! . . . But allow me. . . ." He got up, staggered, took up his jug and glass, and sat down beside the young man, facing him a little sideways. He was drunk, but spoke fluently and boldly, only occasionally losing the thread of his sentences and drawling his words. He pounced upon Raskolnikov as greedily as though he too had not spoken to a soul for a month.
"Honoured sir," he began almost with solemnity, "poverty is not a vice, that's a true saying. Yet I know too that drunkenness is not a virtue, and that that's even truer. But beggary, honoured sir, beggary is a vice. In poverty you may still retain your innate nobility of soul, but in beggary--never--no one. For beggary a man is not chased out of human society with a stick, he is swept out with a broom, so as to make it as humiliating as possible; and quite right, too, forasmuch as in beggary I am ready to be the first to humiliate myself. Hence the pot-house! Honoured sir, a month ago Mr. Lebeziatnikov gave my wife a beating, and my wife is a very different matter from me! Do you understand? Allow me to ask you another question out of simple curiosity: have you ever spent a night on a hay barge, on the Neva?"
"No, I have not happened to," answered Raskolnikov. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I've just come from one and it's the fifth night I've slept so. . . ." He filled his glass, emptied it and paused. Bits of hay were in fact clinging to his clothes and sticking to his hair. It seemed quite probable that he had not undressed or washed for the last five days. His hands, particularly, were filthy. They were fat and red, with black nails.
His conversation seemed to excite a general though languid interest. The boys at the counter fell to sniggering. The innkeeper came down from the upper room, apparently on purpose to listen to the "funny fellow" and sat down at a little distance, yawning lazily, but with dignity. Evidently Marmeladov was a familiar figure here, and he had most likely acquired his weakness for high-flown speeches from the habit of frequently entering into conversation with strangers of all sorts in the tavern. This habit develops into a necessity in some drunkards, and especially in those who are looked after sharply and kept in order at home. Hence in the company of other drinkers they try to justify themselves and even if possible obtain consideration.
"Funny fellow!" pronounced the innkeeper. "And why don't you work, why aren't you at your duty, if you are in the service?"
"Why am I not at my duty, honoured sir," Marmeladov went on, addressing himself exclusively to Raskolnikov, as though it had been he who put that question to him. "Why am I not at my duty? Does not my heart ache to think what a useless worm I am? A month ago when Mr. Lebeziatnikov beat my wife with his own hands, and I lay drunk, didn't I suffer? Excuse me, young man, has it ever happened to you . . . hm . . . well, to petition hopelessly for a loan?"
"Yes, it has. But what do you mean by hopelessly?"
"Hopelessly in the fullest sense, when you know beforehand that you will get nothing by it. You know, for instance, beforehand with positive certainty that this man, this most reputable and exemplary citizen, will on no consideration give you money; and indeed I ask you why should he? For he knows of course that I shan't pay it back. From compassion? But Mr. Lebeziatnikov who keeps up with modern ideas explained the other day that compassion is forbidden nowadays by science itself, and that that's what is done now in England, where there is political economy. Why, I ask you, should he give it to me? And yet though I know beforehand that he won't, I set off to him and . . ."
"Why do you go?" put in Raskolnikov.
"Well, when one has no one, nowhere else one can go! For every man must have somewhere to go. Since there are times when one absolutely must go somewhere! When my own daughter first went out with a yellow ticket, then I had to go . . . (for my daughter has a yellow passport)," he added in parenthesis, looking with a certain uneasiness at the young man. "No matter, sir, no matter!" he went on hurriedly and with apparent composure when both the boys at the counter guffawed and even the innkeeper smiled--"No matter, I am not confounded by the wagging of their heads; for everyone knows everything about it already, and all that is secret is made open. And I accept it all, not with contempt, but with humility. So be it! So be it! 'Behold the man!' Excuse me, young man, can you. . . . No, to put it more strongly and more distinctly; not /can/ you but /dare/ you, looking upon me, assert that I am not a pig?"
The young man did not answer a word.
"Well," the orator began again stolidly and with even increased dignity, after waiting for the laughter in the room to subside. "Well, so be it, I am a pig, but she is a lady! I have the semblance of a beast, but Katerina Ivanovna, my spouse, is a person of education and an officer's daughter. Granted, granted, I am a scoundrel, but she is a woman of a noble heart, full of sentiments, refined by education. And yet . . . oh, if only she felt for me! Honoured sir, honoured sir, you know every man ought to have at least one place where people feel for him! But Katerina Ivanovna, though she is magnanimous, she is unjust. . . . And yet, although I realise that when she pulls my hair she only does it out of pity--for I repeat without being ashamed, she pulls my hair, young man," he declared with redoubled dignity, hearing the sniggering again--"but, my God, if she would but once. . . . But no, no! It's all in vain and it's no use talking! No use talking! For more than once, my wish did come true and more than once she has felt for me but . . . such is my fate and I am a beast by nature!"
"Rather!" assented the innkeeper yawning. Marmeladov struck his fist resolutely on the table.
"Such is my fate! Do you know, sir, do you know, I have sold her very stockings for drink? Not her shoes--that would be more or less in the order of things, but her stockings, her stockings I have sold for drink! Her mohair shawl I sold for drink, a present to her long ago, her own property, not mine; and we live in a cold room and she caught cold this winter and has begun coughing and spitting blood too. We have three little children and Katerina Ivanovna is at work from morning till night; she is scrubbing and cleaning and washing the children, for she's been used to cleanliness from a child. But her chest is weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it! Do you suppose I don't feel it? And the more I drink the more I feel it. That's why I drink too. I try to find sympathy and feeling in drink. . . . I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!" And as though in despair he laid his head down on the table.
"Young man," he went on, raising his head again, "in your face I seem to read some trouble of mind. When you came in I read it, and that was why I addressed you at once. For in unfolding to you the story of my life, I do not wish to make myself a laughing-stock before these idle listeners, who indeed know all about it already, but I am looking for a man of feeling and education. Know then that my wife was educated in a high-class school for the daughters of noblemen, and on leaving she danced the shawl dance before the governor and other personages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a certificate of merit. The medal . . . well, the medal of course was sold--long ago, hm . . . but the certificate of merit is in her trunk still and not long ago she showed it to our landlady. And although she is most continually on bad terms with the landlady, yet she wanted to tell someone or other of her past honours and of the happy days that are gone. I don't condemn her for it, I don't blame her, for the one thing left her is recollection of the past, and all the rest is dust and ashes. Yes, yes, she is a lady of spirit, proud and determined. She scrubs the floors herself and has nothing but black bread to eat, but won't allow herself to be treated with disrespect. That's why she would not overlook Mr. Lebeziatnikov's rudeness to her, and so when he gave her a beating for it, she took to her bed more from the hurt to her feelings than from the blows. She was a widow when I married her, with three children, one smaller than the other. She married her first husband, an infantry officer, for love, and ran away with him from her father's house. She was exceedingly fond of her husband; but he gave way to cards, got into trouble and with that he died. He used to beat her at the end: and although she paid him back, of which I have authentic documentary evidence, to this day she speaks of him with tears and she throws him up to me; and I am glad, I am glad that, though only in imagination, she should think of herself as having once been happy. . . . And she was left at his death with three children in a wild and remote district where I happened to be at the time; and she was left in such hopeless poverty that, although I have seen many ups and downs of all sort, I don't feel equal to describing it even. Her relations had all thrown her off. And she was proud, too, excessively proud. . . . And then, honoured sir, and then, I, being at the time a widower, with a daughter of fourteen left me by my first wife, offered her my hand, for I could not bear the sight of such suffering. You can judge the extremity of her calamities, that she, a woman of education and culture and distinguished family, should have consented to be my wife. But she did! Weeping and sobbing and wringing her hands, she married me! For she had nowhere to turn! Do you understand, sir, do you understand what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn? No, that you don't understand yet. . . . And for a whole year, I performed my duties conscientiously and faithfully, and did not touch this" (he tapped the jug with his finger), "for I have feelings. But even so, I could not please her; and then I lost my place too, and that through no fault of mine but through changes in the office; and then I did touch it! . . . It will be a year and a half ago soon since we found ourselves at last after many wanderings and numerous calamities in this magnificent capital, adorned with innumerable monuments. Here I obtained a situation. . . . I obtained it and I lost it again. Do you understand? This time it was through my own fault I lost it: for my weakness had come out. . . . We have now part of a room at Amalia Fyodorovna Lippevechsel's; and what we live upon and what we pay our rent with, I could not say. There are a lot of people living there besides ourselves. Dirt and disorder, a perfect Bedlam . . . hm . . . yes . . . And meanwhile my daughter by my first wife has grown up; and what my daughter has had to put up with from her step-mother whilst she was growing up, I won't speak of. For, though Katerina Ivanovna is full of generous feelings, she is a spirited lady, irritable and short--tempered. . . . Yes. But it's no use going over that! Sonia, as you may well fancy, has had no education. I did make an effort four years ago to give her a course of geography and universal history, but as I was not very well up in those subjects myself and we had no suitable books, and what books we had . . . hm, anyway we have not even those now, so all our instruction came to an end. We stopped at Cyrus of Persia. Since she has attained years of maturity, she has read other books of romantic tendency and of late she had read with great interest a book she got through Mr. Lebeziatnikov, Lewes' Physiology--do you know it?--and even recounted extracts from it to us: and that's the whole of her education. And now may I venture to address you, honoured sir, on my own account with a private question. Do you suppose that a respectable poor girl can earn much by honest work? Not fifteen farthings a day can she earn, if she is respectable and has no special talent and that without putting her work down for an instant! And what's more, Ivan Ivanitch Klopstock the civil counsellor--have you heard of him?--has not to this day paid her for the half-dozen linen shirts she made him and drove her roughly away, stamping and reviling her, on the pretext that the shirt collars were not made like the pattern and were put in askew. And there are the little ones hungry. . . . And Katerina Ivanovna walking up and down and wringing her hands, her cheeks flushed red, as they always are in that disease: 'Here you live with us,' says she, 'you eat and drink and are kept warm and you do nothing to help.' And much she gets to eat and drink when there is not a crust for the little ones for three days! I was lying at the time . . . well, what of it! I was lying drunk and I heard my Sonia speaking (she is a gentle creature with a soft little voice . . . fair hair and such a pale, thin little face). She said: 'Katerina Ivanovna, am I really to do a thing like that?' And Darya Frantsovna, a woman of evil character and very well known to the police, had two or three times tried to get at her through the landlady. 'And why not?' said Katerina Ivanovna with a jeer, 'you are something mighty precious to be so careful of!' But don't blame her, don't blame her, honoured sir, don't blame her! She was not herself when she spoke, but driven to distraction by her illness and the crying of the hungry children; and it was said more to wound her than anything else. . . . For that's Katerina Ivanovna's character, and when children cry, even from hunger, she falls to beating them at once. At six o'clock I saw Sonia get up, put on her kerchief and her cape, and go out of the room and about nine o'clock she came back. She walked straight up to Katerina Ivanovna and she laid thirty roubles on the table before her in silence. She did not utter a word, she did not even look at her, she simply picked up our big green /drap de dames/ shawl (we have a shawl, made of /drap de dames/), put it over her head and face and lay down on the bed with her face to the wall; only her little shoulders and her body kept shuddering. . . . And I went on lying there, just as before. . . . And then I saw, young man, I saw Katerina Ivanovna, in the same silence go up to Sonia's little bed; she was on her knees all the evening kissing Sonia's feet, and would not get up, and then they both fell asleep in each other's arms . . . together, together . . . yes . . . and I . . . lay drunk."
Marmeladov stopped short, as though his voice had failed him. Then he hurriedly filled his glass, drank, and cleared his throat.
"Since then, sir," he went on after a brief pause--"Since then, owing to an unfortunate occurrence and through information given by evil- intentioned persons--in all which Darya Frantsovna took a leading part on the pretext that she had been treated with want of respect--since then my daughter Sofya Semyonovna has been forced to take a yellow ticket, and owing to that she is unable to go on living with us. For our landlady, Amalia Fyodorovna would not hear of it (though she had backed up Darya Frantsovna before) and Mr. Lebeziatnikov too . . . hm. . . . All the trouble between him and Katerina Ivanovna was on Sonia's account. At first he was for making up to Sonia himself and then all of a sudden he stood on his dignity: 'how,' said he, 'can a highly educated man like me live in the same rooms with a girl like that?' And Katerina Ivanovna would not let it pass, she stood up for her . . . and so that's how it happened. And Sonia comes to us now, mostly after dark; she comforts Katerina Ivanovna and gives her all she can. . . . She has a room at the Kapernaumovs' the tailors, she lodges with them; Kapernaumov is a lame man with a cleft palate and all of his numerous family have cleft palates too. And his wife, too, has a cleft palate. They all live in one room, but Sonia has her own, partitioned off. . . . Hm . . . yes . . . very poor people and all with cleft palates . . . yes. Then I got up in the morning, and put on my rags, lifted up my hands to heaven and set off to his excellency Ivan Afanasyvitch. His excellency Ivan Afanasyvitch, do you know him? No? Well, then, it's a man of God you don't know. He is wax . . . wax before the face of the Lord; even as wax melteth! . . . His eyes were dim when he heard my story. 'Marmeladov, once already you have deceived my expectations . . . I'll take you once more on my own responsibility'--that's what he said, 'remember,' he said, 'and now you can go.' I kissed the dust at his feet--in thought only, for in reality he would not have allowed me to do it, being a statesman and a man of modern political and enlightened ideas. I returned home, and when I announced that I'd been taken back into the service and should receive a salary, heavens, what a to-do there was . . .!"