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“祥子的学生”~狼的幻想爱情
威海
童生


Joined: 05 Nov 2007
Posts: 27

威海Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-22 07:31:47    Post subject: “祥子的学生”~狼的幻想爱情 Reply with quote

狼的幻想爱情
◆威海
漫步在辽阔的草原
了望那无际的幻想
等待,已成徒劳
追逐,当你从我眼前闪过

山峰 河流 森林
仍无法阻止我的渴望
是你无知的奔跑
磨灭了我痴狂的真爱
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-22 07:44:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

是你无知的奔跑
磨灭了我痴狂的真爱


欢迎新朋友
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威海
童生


Joined: 05 Nov 2007
Posts: 27

威海Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-22 07:48:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢各位老师点评
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-11-22 14:18:41    Post subject: Reply with quote



拜读 问好朋友 :)

。。
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-22 17:59:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

问候威海!欢迎光临!
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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陈若祥
秀才


Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-22 23:46:02    Post subject: Reply with quote

“漫步在辽阔的草原 了望那无际的幻想”
虚与实的结合很好。
后一节意象的排列使的诗的意境更为开阔,有张力.
题目是<狼的幻想爱情>,重点在爱情,若以<狼>为题,会使得形象更突出.
供威海参考.
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-24 20:42:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

以“狼”为题

是不能这么写的。

他对“现代诗歌”很有感触,

但是,还没有再深入,

值得鼓励,

最后,“磨灭---真爱”不妥当,

“真爱”无论如何,也不可能消失,在于“是否得到”,

需要修改

突出“内心苍凉的感觉”。
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-25 16:56:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

《狼的爱情幻想》

◆威海

漫步在辽阔的草原
了望那无际的幻想
追逐
当你从我眼前闪过

山峰,河流,森林
仍无法阻止我的渴望
是你迷离,执著的奔跑
消磨了我痴狂的等待
山顶的树梢只剩下半个暗影


这样改,不知道效果如何?
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陈若祥
秀才


Joined: 12 Feb 2007
Posts: 470
Location: 中国*安徽
陈若祥Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-25 23:42:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

结尾加上"山顶的树梢只剩下半个暗影 ",
感觉有些突兀.迪拜兄是怎么想的啊?
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-26 00:11:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

原来的诗歌结不了尾,“平淡”了。

另外,如果没有结尾,又何必“狼的爱情幻想”,随便什么东西的都可以,

加1句,主要突出,“凶残”之外,其实,也有“真性情”,可是,

满目苍凉,哪里寻找?

“山顶的树梢只剩下半个暗影”

是描述“时间”,突出“心情”

是我个人的想法,

可以与威海探讨。
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