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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

假语村言

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-23 12:28:27 Post subject: 假语村言

假语村言 <王冠> 麦苗是跟风涌进村庄的悄悄地它挺起了腰杆后来它开始求爱再后来美丽的新娘为它编织了金灿灿的王冠昨天, 风吹来箴言: 小心那个磨镰刀的人心术不正 <落花生> 落花才生谁曾想这匿于土的曾经也是个美人清晨, 公鸡叫起儿的时候邻家麻脸的张妈挑出两担鄢红 <芝麻开门> 一道咒语打开了芝麻滴落香醇小磨不停地转明年芝麻还会开门么? 按诗友建议稍改: <王冠> 麦苗是跟风涌进村庄的悄悄地它挺起了腰杆后来它开始求爱再后来美丽的新娘为它编织了金灿灿的王冠昨天, 风吹来箴言: 小心那个磨镰刀的人

邵鹏飞
童生

Joined: 21 Oct 2007
Posts: 25

邵鹏飞Collection

Posted: 2007-10-23 15:47:34 Post subject:

一道咒语打开了芝麻滴落香醇小磨不停地转明年芝麻还会开门么? 呵呵，是呀。明年，芝麻还会开门么? _________________ 博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/shaopengfeipoet

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2007-10-23 16:51:07 Post subject:

白水姐姐, <王冠><落花生>都不错

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-10-23 21:51:22 Post subject:

白水鼻子好漂亮啊。。。眼睛也很有神！ _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-10-23 22:00:38 Post subject:

这几首短诗很有韵味,尤其第一首意味深长~欣赏!

jemmy
秀才

Joined: 06 Jun 2007
Posts: 414
Location: china
jemmyCollection

Posted: 2007-10-24 03:09:40 Post subject:

白水就是多情,连女人她都赚 _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/sowhy

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 04:49:34 Post subject:

清晨, 公鸡叫起儿的时候邻家麻脸的张妈挑出两担鄢红喜欢 _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 17:47:46 Post subject:

邵鹏飞 wrote:

一道咒语
打开了芝麻
滴落香醇

小磨不停地
转明年
芝麻还会开门么?

呵呵，是呀。明年，芝麻还会开门么?

谢谢理解, 问好

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 17:49:11 Post subject:

迪拜 wrote:

白水姐姐,

<王冠><落花生>都不错

谢谢鼓励, 问好DD.

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 17:56:53 Post subject:

nobody wrote:

白水鼻子好漂亮啊。。。眼睛也很有神！

好眼力,谢谢你. 第一,二首(眼睛, 鼻子)诗意浓些, 第三首(嘴巴)把种子都磨油了,没留白. 而标题(眉毛) 是发帖时粘上去的, 随意了 Wink

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 17:58:00 Post subject:

半溪明月 wrote:

这几首短诗很有韵味,尤其第一首意味深长~欣赏!

谢谢月亮. 问好

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 17:59:20 Post subject:

jemmy wrote:

白水就是多情,连女人她都赚

是吗? 那我就再当一次白水DSG Wink

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 18:03:32 Post subject:

阿依琼裙 wrote:

清晨, 公鸡叫起儿的时候
邻家麻脸的张妈
挑出两担鄢红

喜欢

问好琼裙

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2007-10-24 22:15:21 Post subject:

尤其第一首好：构思奇，语感好，诗意新，有深度。最后一句如去掉，更好，不直露，有余味。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-10-25 02:59:38 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

尤其第一首好：

构思奇，语感好，诗意新，有深度。

最后一句如去掉，更好，不直露，有余味。

觉得说得挺好的。

白水这诗，读着有惊艳之感。

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-29 18:38:57 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

尤其第一首好：

构思奇，语感好，诗意新，有深度。

最后一句如去掉，更好，不直露，有余味。

有道理. 那句不要更好.我这就改. 谢谢.

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-29 18:43:07 Post subject:

荷梦 wrote:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

尤其第一首好：

构思奇，语感好，诗意新，有深度。

最后一句如去掉，更好，不直露，有余味。

觉得说得挺好的。

白水这诗，读着有惊艳之感。

谢谢荷梦. 按你和道模的建议改了点.问好.

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-10-29 18:57:06 Post subject:

麦苗是跟风涌进村庄的悄悄地它挺起了腰杆后来它开始求爱再后来美丽的新娘为它编织了金灿灿的王冠昨天, 风吹来箴言: 小心那个磨镰刀的人这首好---- _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-10-30 17:01:18 Post subject:

谢谢少君

上城
进士出身

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection

Posted: 2007-10-31 00:09:45 Post subject:

白水总是文思泉涌``` _________________ 每个诗人都很重要

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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