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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

一朵花

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 18:16:15 Post subject: 一朵花

一朵花到哪里，我都要带上这朵喷泉。心里的灯。到哪里，我都要先打开包裹，把它安顿在最好的地方。夜里，它的光芒层层打开江河和草原。大地弥漫芬芳的体香。一朵花，被泪水点亮，喷出洪水和村庄。早晨和羊群。鲜花和墓地。喷出大路上孤独的身影。这些移动的石头和乳房，承载多少游走和沉睡，多少卑悯和忧伤。到哪里，我都要带上这朵喷泉。心里的灯。带上它就带上了整个故乡，背负了一生的爱恨和幸福。 _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 19:36:05 Post subject:

到哪里都无法熄灭，那一盏灯。。。

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 20:11:24 Post subject:

谢荷梦诗人！！祝好！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 20:21:28 Post subject:

海军, 这首诗歌流畅, 真情. 总体感觉比较静.

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 22:11:00 Post subject:

最后"背负了一生的爱恨和幸福"最好去掉把"心里的灯,带上它就带上了整个故乡"作为最后一行. 你看,这样排版行不行: 　　　<一朵花> 到哪里，我都要带上这朵喷泉。到哪里，我都要先打开包裹，把它安顿在最好的地方。夜里，它的光芒层层, 打开江河和草原。大地弥漫芬芳的体香。一朵花，被泪水点亮，喷出洪水和村庄,早晨和羊群,鲜花和墓地。喷出大路上孤独的身影。这些移动的石头和乳房，承载多少游走和沉睡，多少卑悯和忧伤。到哪里，我都要带上这朵喷泉。带上它,就带上了整个故乡.

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-09-09 22:28:28 Post subject:

谢谢诗兄们！我考虑一下！！祝好！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-09-10 01:01:59 Post subject:

海军好诗!!!! 赞成迪拜部分建议; 我来定槁并自信海军同意: 游走和沉睡，多少卑悯和忧伤。到哪里，我都要带上这朵喷泉心里的灯 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-09-10 03:10:57 Post subject:

接受！谢谢各位诗友关注！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2007-09-10 19:06:27 Post subject:

我个人倾向于以 "带上了整个故乡"结尾使得整首诗歌在"精神气质上"升华.

一地雪
童生

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 38

一地雪Collection

Posted: 2007-09-10 23:45:56 Post subject:

到哪里，我都要带上这朵喷泉心里的灯恩，好！ _________________ 十个数字一笔债我的博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/yidixue

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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