Maple Review :: View topic - 秦小红的口语诗我帮助投一下《今天上班了》

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

秦小红的口语诗我帮助投一下《今天上班了》

杨海军
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Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-08-25 00:26:07 Post subject: 秦小红的口语诗我帮助投一下《今天上班了》

今天上班了看起来气色都不错该不该胖的都胖了我一点办法没有大家开始扫地，擦桌子我懒惰盟说，小白这几天过得憋屈吧之后一起吃鲜桃阿琨的牙齿倒了闲聊。我用耳机堵住耳朵里的声音使自己迷路思绪到陌生的地方去钟姐来了，说我的头发刚打完金鸡牌鞋油她们大笑我去了英语组看到几位女士用牙齿撕扯新来的那个帅哥的脸问他往后还敢不敢帅了我走回办公室他们还在讨论说快开工资了还要扣掉以前多开的部分 _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-08-25 00:45:04 Post subject:

呵呵，好心情，看起来不错～问好！

半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-08-25 00:46:40 Post subject:

哦，看错了，不是你的诗歌～

nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-08-25 02:18:23 Post subject:

很喜欢。为什么这种诗不能加精呢？不一定都得是《大呼吸〉，《大喘气〉之类的吧，哈哈。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

韩少君
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Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-08-25 02:53:49 Post subject:

我觉得很好啊! 口语不准确吧. 起码有情致. 问候秦老师! _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-08-25 06:36:16 Post subject:

nobody wrote:

很喜欢。为什么这种诗不能加精呢？
不一定都得是《大呼吸〉，《大喘气〉之类的吧，哈哈。

HI,NOBODY, IT'S FOR YOU
http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=7656

海军, 为何不请小红一起来以诗会友呢? 她的诗歌挺有味的,代问好

nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-08-25 21:57:38 Post subject:

提读。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

下一个偶像是野兽
秀才

Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 504
Location: 西安
下一个偶像是野兽Collection

Posted: 2007-08-26 08:33:38 Post subject:

看起来气色都不错该不该胖的都胖了我一点办法没有大家开始扫地，擦桌子我懒惰 ------------------------------ 喜欢这段。哈 _________________ 我的博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1251343504

新华
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Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 225

新华Collection

Posted: 2007-08-26 23:15:57 Post subject:

钟姐来了，说我的头发刚打完金鸡牌鞋油她们大笑生活化，很有趣。

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-08-28 23:05:52 Post subject:

提读！ _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

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