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诗歌欣赏:棉田里的婆婆
荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-09 04:01:25    Post subject: 诗歌欣赏:棉田里的婆婆 Reply with quote

你说,是三尺花洋布
诱惑,你进了棉田
这一进,就快六十年
一球球棉花,染白了
你曾经的青丝

你一直没有走出来
你说,滞留的理由太多
几箩筐也装不完
你把它们印在额头,刻上眼角
直到, 孙儿孙女也像
当年的你一样,把奶奶
叫唤

“不好好读书,跟我种棉花去!”
你说,带着恐吓
然后,挺直腰板
向棉田,你述说
最后一个理由
“等我动不得时,自己有钱!”

你古稀之躯,枯瘦
成一株棉杆
那满头银霜,是最大的
棉球
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-09 06:29:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

真的很好.感觉好,表现角度好.现实与浪漫的恰当结合.学习!
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-09 07:24:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

你说,是三尺花洋布
诱惑,你进了棉田
这一进,就是半个多世纪
一球球棉花,染白了
你曾经的青丝......叙述铺展很好.
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-09 07:42:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

你古稀之躯,干瘦
成一株棉杆。那满头银霜
是最大的棉球

学习荷梦好诗~问好! Very Happy
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-09 15:56:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

你说,是三尺花洋布
诱惑,你进了棉田
这一进,就是半个多世纪
一球球棉花,染白了
你曾经的青丝
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走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2007-08-09 17:03:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

生活气息浓郁, 真情感人
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-09 22:39:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢各位! Embarassed
改了一下。 Razz
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-08-10 00:04:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

喜欢 你的乡土诗歌。。

不但写得好。。 还能有不同风格 ;)

早就说你有慧根 !!!

Cool Laughing


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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-08-10 00:07:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

起承转结 都有了! 结构完善 。。

结尾的升华 更是有志气 !!!

何梦 你写的诗歌。。 这首 拔尖了 ;))

Cool Laughing
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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溪语
秀才


Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-10 00:39:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

你古稀之躯,枯瘦
成一株棉杆
那满头银霜,是最大的
棉球

好感觉!
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溪语的博客:家住鄂西
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-13 18:19:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

kokho wrote:
喜欢 你的乡土诗歌。。

不但写得好。。 还能有不同风格 ;)

早就说你有慧根 !!!

Cool Laughing


Embarassed 你把荷梦的脸都说红了。其实,写诗,我从来没想过什么风格,只是觉得怎么表达着更顺当,就怎么写出来了。即便是同一天里写的东西,也会因为题材、内容的不同而有着很大的不同的。
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-13 18:21:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

溪语 wrote:
你古稀之躯,枯瘦
成一株棉杆
那满头银霜,是最大的
棉球

好感觉!

谢谢溪语! Embarassed
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朱文
童生


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 10

朱文Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-13 21:24:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

Surprised
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安红红
同进士出身


Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

安红红Collection
PostPosted: 2009-06-06 01:23:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

读~~学习~
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如果不开始,会失去过程。
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骨笛
秀才


Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-06-06 05:45:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

学习
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我把天空装在我家里,鸟儿天空中飞来飞去
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2009-06-07 01:51:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

这是我07年8月写的东东,猛然看到被翻出来且置顶,有受宠若惊之感。谢谢大家!
如诗友晓寒深处2007-08-10 在博客中所评“几畦棉花地,装进一个女人的一生”,的确,这其实几乎就是那一个年代的所有女人的一生。
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魏鵬展
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Joined: 14 Apr 2009
Posts: 606
Location: Hong Kong 香港
魏鵬展Collection
PostPosted: 2009-06-12 06:52:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

這首對話體的敘事詩寫得很有味道。學習﹗
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魏鵬展是香港詩人、《小說與詩》主編、中文教師;微信(WeChat): npcjeffrey
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张南城
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Joined: 02 Aug 2009
Posts: 145
Location: 中国安庆
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PostPosted: 2009-10-12 04:39:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

让棉田里的婆婆入诗,妙。构思奇妙,语境奇妙。古稀之躯的枯瘦与棉绒花絮的温暖……
认真地学习了。感谢。
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