William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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 Posted: 2007-08-22 19:03:46 Post subject: [新翻曹东的诗] 许多灯 many lights |
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今上午为曹东翻了一首鲜诗，请品评。
许 多 灯
曹 东
许多灯，在我身体的房间
亮着。我轻轻走动
他们就摇晃
影子松软，齿咬一些痛觉
我上班下班，挤公交车
陪领导笑谈。十年了
竟无人发现
只有一人时，我才小心地打开
并一一清点，哪些灯已经熄灭
Many lights
Written by Cao Dong
translated by William Zhou
Many lights, in the room of my body
Shining. I just walk gingerly
They will sway
The shaddow is soft, chewing some pain
I go to work and come home in crowded buses
Accompany the leaders, talking and laughing
To my surprise, nobody has known for ten years
when alone, I will open the room carefully
And check the lights one by one to see
Which lights have already extinguished
2007-8-23
.
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
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| Posted: 2007-08-22 23:28:39 Post subject: |
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介绍 你到 www.dictionary.com
那里你可以找到很多句子的用法，还有同义词 ：）
0 - Burning
0 - have already died out
0 - nobody has known
0 - Keep leaders company, talking and laughing
0 - They will sway
0 - The shaddow is loose and soft, chewing some pain
《》等你尝试多一次，我写给你看看 ：）
。。
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
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| Posted: 2007-08-23 00:01:36 Post subject: Re: [原创双语诗] 许多灯 many lights |
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這首不錯。
| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
...
Only alone, I will open them carefully
... |
When alone, I will turn (switch) them on gingerly.
open是典型的洋涇濱。 
怎麽是雙語原創？中文又不是你寫的。
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William Zhou周道模
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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| Posted: 2007-08-23 03:33:31 Post subject: |
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谢谢 Kokho 的介绍，我可以找到方向和助手了。答戴先生：用open简直就是“开黄腔”：open yellow gun. 看来还要继续下苦工夫啊。双语原创是写顺手了，如是“剽窃”，就不会说是曹东的了。改过来就是好人，还是《四川好人》。
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
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| Posted: 2007-08-23 09:53:16 Post subject: |
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中文理解上的问题
| Quote: |
许多灯，在我身体的房间
亮着。
......
只有一人时，我才小心地打开
并一一清点，哪些灯已经熄灭 |
首句讲，灯在房间里亮着
尾句讲， 我打开清点
这打开是打开灯呢（灯不是都亮着吗），还是打开房间？
看译文
Only alone, I will turn them on carefully
And check them one by one to see
好像说是开灯
My comprehension sucks. 
.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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曹东
童生
Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 37
Location: 中国
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| Posted: 2007-08-23 16:29:24 Post subject: |
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应该是打开房间. 谢谢道模诗友,谢谢大家的热心!
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William Zhou周道模
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007
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Location: 中国四川广汉
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| Posted: 2007-08-23 17:15:10 Post subject: |
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本来我原来也是理解成打开房间的，当时用错了一个词 them，现改成 the room，戴君一指点，我未细想又改错了。曹东又来明确，就这样定了！谢戴先生和 lake!
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戴玨
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| Posted: 2007-08-24 13:50:21 Post subject: |
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呵呵，還是Lake讀得仔細！
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William Zhou周道模
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Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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| Posted: 2007-08-24 23:08:01 Post subject: |
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yes, yes!
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