Maple Review :: View topic - 《玉米地》

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

《玉米地》

衣楼
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 54

衣楼Collection

Posted: 2007-11-24 03:40:14 Post subject: 《玉米地》

《玉米地》 1．十月的清晨冻醒屋后沉甸甸的原野玉米地里的姑娘们在集体分娩后又瘦又黄微风吹过，她们却是幸福的七嘴八舌地说着孩子，说到明年的春上 2．不止我，我们它们也一样手无寸铁地面对这场灾难！玉米地里的姊妹手挽手玉米地里的姊妹肩靠肩虽然秋会慢慢深下去，伤筋动骨。 3. 在北方无垠的玉米地边黑得干净的柏油路上一架空载的骡车哒哒地过我身旁还有呼啸而去的长途汽车，私家车还有偶尔的两三个本地人眼看着一根烟要灭了。孤独，不仅仅因为秋天的萧索密麻麻的玉米杆间又藏着成群的灰鸟 4．如果让我躲进玉米编织的森林里逃避钢铁的追杀那不如在冬天未到之前我在我的路上选择抗争或死亡 5. 被云裹住的夕阳像一碗凉了的糖打蛋倒人胃口我寻找每一棵玉米藏起来的果实却不能动手最终我和它们都是属于土地的土地也是属于它们的而我，离开并失去土地像一只悲伤的风筝而它们，拥抱着土地属于别人而不属于我 6. 安。平静下来的城邦如同水中明月沉落在一杯酒中梦里那些无数的舞女，女歌人薄雾缭绕她们的衣襟和婀娜腰身…… 清晨的玉米地挂满汗水我也手脚酸疼

赵福治
探花

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection

Posted: 2007-11-24 03:45:57 Post subject:

关于北方无垠的玉米地的一种描述.

游旋1
童生

Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 72
Location: 中国-贵州-遵义-凤冈
游旋1Collection

Posted: 2007-11-25 07:35:46 Post subject:

喜欢，语言比较质朴...... 问好朋友 _________________ 用文字结缘拿鸿雁对话

莞君
秀才

Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 561
Location: 中国陕西
莞君Collection

Posted: 2007-11-25 11:40:05 Post subject:

很好的一个欣赏了问好 _________________ 莞君

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-11-25 16:11:56 Post subject:

乡情乡音, 质朴流畅.

韩少君
进士出身

Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 16:30:40 Post subject:

好诗！欣赏！如果让我躲进玉米编织的森林里逃避钢铁的追杀那不如在冬天未到之前我在我的路上选择抗争或死亡 _________________ 靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 16:39:21 Post subject:

我认为这是最近一段时间出现的几首好诗之一。能够在写滥了的题材中发掘出新东西来，不简单！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

迪拜
同进士出身

Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection

Posted: 2007-11-28 21:35:14 Post subject:

我做了修改，突出“幸福感”，删除了多余的“意象” 当然，是我个人的看法。《玉米地》 1．十月的清晨冻醒屋后沉甸甸的原野玉米地里的姑娘们在集体分娩后又瘦又黄微风吹过，她们却是幸福的七嘴八舌地说着孩子，说到明年的春上 2. 在北方无垠的玉米地边黑得干净的柏油路上一架空载的骡车哒哒地过我身旁还有呼啸而去的长途汽车，私家车还有偶尔的两三个本地人密麻麻的玉米杆间又藏着成群的灰鸟玉米地里的姊妹手挽手玉米地里的姊妹肩靠肩虽然秋会慢慢深下去，伤筋动骨。 3．平静下来的城邦如同水中明月沉落在一杯酒中梦里那些无数的舞女，女歌人薄雾缭绕她们的衣襟和婀娜腰身…… 清晨的玉米地挂满汗水

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2007-11-29 18:08:45 Post subject:

角度意境不错，有些语句感觉罗嗦了,如下面这一段.精简下应该是首好诗~ 最终我和它们都是属于土地的土地也是属于它们的而我，离开并失去土地像一只悲伤的风筝而它们，拥抱着土地属于别人而不属于我

衣楼
童生

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 54

衣楼Collection

Posted: 2007-12-01 21:11:03 Post subject:

是谁说我们都是属于土地的! 我像一只悲伤的风筝而它们，拥抱着土地属于别人而不属于我呵呵//改后//问好大家!

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2007-12-03 04:18:59 Post subject:

还不错，但感觉凝练不足。 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

溪语
秀才

Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection

Posted: 2007-12-03 04:51:31 Post subject:

如果让我躲进玉米编织的森林里逃避钢铁的追杀那不如在冬天未到之前我在我的路上选择抗争或死亡 _________________ 溪语的博客:家住鄂西

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