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祖母的凤冠
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-16 22:01:10    Post subject: 祖母的凤冠 Reply with quote

祖母的凤冠
文/半溪明月

花轿进门,借来的凤冠归还
新娘阿玉魂牵梦绕。她在枕边说
说出陈旧时代一个奢侈的梦

晌银换来亮闪闪的凤冠
芒刺扎疼老槐树的神经,家法震怒
皮鞭狠命抽向冒犯天条的男人
怀抱这顶千斤重的凤冠,女人
跪在老槐树前,泪水涟涟

一鞭鞭抽在男人身上,抽在女人心尖
三天三夜啊,老槐树也吊得脖子酸疼
男人始终不吐:休了这个女人
无形的紧箍咒,勒紧,勒紧……女人昏厥
男人狂喊大叫,神志迷乱,永久的噩梦

一个为爱疯掉的男人
一个为爱坚守终生的女人
这见证了祖父母古老爱情的凤冠
锈迹斑斑,沉重,桎捁他们一生
2007-7-17

后记:当我听父亲说了爷爷奶奶的故事,就一直想把它写出来,感谢诗歌使我找到一种较好的表达方式。爷爷后来被他懂针灸的郎中父亲医治好,之后就参加了解放战争,淮海战役中荣立二等功,火线入党。再后来,云南剿匪,抗美愿朝退役后,在河北一个县城担任粮食区区长,后因风湿心脏病、肾病提前离休。爷爷脑子终归受过刺激,遇事脾气暴躁,但他多数时候并不多言,喜欢抱着收音机听,在村边走走。在奶奶跟前更是俯首听命,完全没有脾气。后来知道爷爷被鞭打,不只是因为违命没交工钱,他父亲还有个心结就是:算命先生说将来这个儿子指望不上。
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kino
秀才


Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 411
Location: beijing
kinoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-07-16 22:05:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

问候,很好的诗~~

跪在老怀树前,泪水涟涟
怀树——槐树?

"要"比较费解!
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-17 17:05:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

kino wrote:
问候,很好的诗~~

跪在老怀树前,泪水涟涟
怀树——槐树?

"要"比较费解!

首先感谢KINO的仔细阅读,"要"在这里的确容易引起误解,我去掉了,"怀树"是"槐树",笔误了.问好! Very Happy
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上城
进士出身


Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-17 17:06:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

为故事感动.写得抽象些或许更好读.问好明月
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每个诗人都很重要
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-17 18:17:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

伤城 wrote:
为故事感动.写得抽象些或许更好读.问好明月

感谢伤城,你的意见很好,只是目前我还无能为力,也许我会试试~ Very Happy 问好!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-18 05:13:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

很感人的题材, 建议写成小说.
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溪语
秀才


Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-18 07:30:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

感人的东东1
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溪语的博客:家住鄂西
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-18 15:25:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

感人的素材。可写成叙事长诗。不要急,需沉稳。
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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