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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

诗：弱水三千

游戏诗歌
秀才

Joined: 21 Jun 2006
Posts: 618
Location: 吉林省和龙市华林路64-12-1号
游戏诗歌Collection

Posted: 2015-08-20 21:15:46 Post subject: 诗：弱水三千

诗：弱水三千游戏诗歌作弱水三千，我是你的哪一种忧着愁，伤着心是否前生我们相互欠点什么今生还不圆满不得不天各一方不能持子之手不能朝朝暮暮弱水里，那么多无可奈何的脚印那么多缘散缘聚那么多痛苦的情与爱月亮在这里躲进了云层 2015-8-21 于长白山下海兰江畔

博弈
榜眼

Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2015-08-20 22:14:30 Post subject:

可玩味，不錯。

Quote:

忧着愁，伤着心
是否前生我们相互欠点什么

聲韻，有現代詞風。要我來讀，
我會這麽吟（3-3-4-4-4）：

忧着愁-伤着心-
是否前生-我们相互-欠点什么

這麽猶疑地斷，每一停頓都落在不完整處，配合詩的氣氛。
_________________
（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

游戏诗歌
秀才

Joined: 21 Jun 2006
Posts: 618
Location: 吉林省和龙市华林路64-12-1号
游戏诗歌Collection

Posted: 2015-08-21 14:03:26 Post subject:

你的意见很好，用迟疑犹疑的语气加强气氛。谢谢你的提示。

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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