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五言:蚁族
我为诗歌狂
童生


Joined: 27 Jun 2015
Posts: 42
Location: Canada
我为诗歌狂Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 14:58:12    Post subject: 五言:蚁族 Reply with quote

华都有蚁族
默默总无闻
伶仃随漂泊
欲驻苦无根
心怀高远志
身屈地庐阴
逼仄春夏无
低暗秋冬深
天天熬天天
年年煎年年
偶有上青云
多为永沉沦
隔院有蔷薇
长衫染香氛
或有擦肩过
咫尺不留痕



与朋友谈到北漂有感。另外请教笑探花,这算古风吗?
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 15:14:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

何为古风?古风者,不讲平仄,但要符合诗的一般要求。以四句诗来说,第三句的尾字,必须用仄声。押韵必须同一韵部。
补充1:如果用仄韵,则第三句要用平声。
补充2:古风诗首句不入韵,则必须是仄声(以平声为列),反之,则用平声。
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我为诗歌狂
童生


Joined: 27 Jun 2015
Posts: 42
Location: Canada
我为诗歌狂Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 15:18:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

我的这个是一首长点的,为了方便阅读才分开的;也要遵守“第三句的尾字,必须用仄声”么?
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 15:20:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

这是古风诗的一般规律。
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我为诗歌狂
童生


Joined: 27 Jun 2015
Posts: 42
Location: Canada
我为诗歌狂Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 15:22:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

多谢。
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 15:40:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

补充:如果用仄韵,则第三句要用平声。
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婉芳
童生


Joined: 28 Jun 2015
Posts: 13

婉芳Collection
PostPosted: 2015-06-29 15:41:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

平仄和诗的一些规律我不懂。不过我喜欢你这首诗表达的意境。前三段以白描的手法,描写现实。最后一段隐晦的写出了不通阶层人之间的隔膜。

我在北京住过。很多住在地下室里的外来民工,很艰苦,总是难以融入这个城市。

不过,有两句请斟酌: 心怀高远志 多为永沉沦, 都比较重一些。可以再斟酌词句。

不当之处请谅解。
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