酸风渍衣 童生
Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 16
酸风渍衣Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-08 17:06:45 Post subject: 最后 |
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最后
我把心儿尽力的弯曲,
准备做有力的最后起跳。
我把眼睛紧紧的闭起,
准备最后张开时成为火炬。
我把血液置入冰室冻结,
期待最后骄阳把他化成洪水。 |
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和平岛 举人

Joined: 25 May 2006 Posts: 1277 Location: Victoria, Canada 和平岛Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-08 19:15:54 Post subject: |
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我把眼睛紧紧的闭起,
准备最后张开时成为火炬。
不错
但总体的句式单调了点 _________________ 写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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闻风 童生

Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 18
闻风Collection |
Posted: 2007-03-09 05:36:08 Post subject: |
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好像没写完啊~~~
呵呵,问好! _________________ 闻风博客:http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1250900861 |
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酸风渍衣 童生
Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 16
酸风渍衣Collection |
Posted: 2007-04-13 00:14:22 Post subject: |
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谢谢和平岛的鼓励和指正。我已非弄诗的年龄。偶尔为之,尚请不吝赐教。 |
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酸风渍衣 童生
Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 16
酸风渍衣Collection |
Posted: 2007-04-13 00:14:59 Post subject: |
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谢谢和平岛的鼓励和指正。我已非弄诗的年龄。偶尔为之,尚请不吝赐教。 |
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酸风渍衣 童生
Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 16
酸风渍衣Collection |
Posted: 2007-04-13 00:18:06 Post subject: |
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问好闻风。呵呵,不知那样了结局会如何,也就没敢硬写完吧。 |
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