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酸风渍衣
童生


Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 16

酸风渍衣Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-08 17:06:45    Post subject: 最后 Reply with quote
最后

我把心儿尽力的弯曲，
准备做有力的最后起跳。

我把眼睛紧紧的闭起，
准备最后张开时成为火炬。

我把血液置入冰室冻结，
期待最后骄阳把他化成洪水。
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-08 19:15:54    Post subject: Reply with quote
我把眼睛紧紧的闭起，
准备最后张开时成为火炬。

不错
但总体的句式单调了点
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写诗是为了写更好的诗
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闻风
童生


Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 18

闻风Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-09 05:36:08    Post subject: Reply with quote
好像没写完啊～～～
呵呵，问好！
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闻风博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1250900861
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酸风渍衣
童生


Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 16

酸风渍衣Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-13 00:14:22    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢和平岛的鼓励和指正。我已非弄诗的年龄。偶尔为之，尚请不吝赐教。
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酸风渍衣
童生


Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 16

酸风渍衣Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-13 00:14:59    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢和平岛的鼓励和指正。我已非弄诗的年龄。偶尔为之，尚请不吝赐教。
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酸风渍衣
童生


Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 16

酸风渍衣Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-13 00:18:06    Post subject: Reply with quote
问好闻风。呵呵，不知那样了结局会如何，也就没敢硬写完吧。
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