Maple Review :: View topic - 临江仙劝学

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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

临江仙劝学

千橡诚
童生

Joined: 12 May 2013
Posts: 9
Location: 美国
千橡诚Collection

Posted: 2013-05-14 22:37:25 Post subject: 临江仙劝学

临江仙劝学不惑之年学有获, 时光逝水孰停! 有为且有不为行, 叹踌躇满志, 天有我若情几度是非成败憾, 学优而仕倾听有为且有不为行, 淡功名利禄,无我亦心平。

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2013-05-15 05:37:40 Post subject:

写词贵在流露自然，最忌斧凿之痕。“有为且有不为行,”这句是从有所为有所不为化出，但生硬了；“天有我若情”这句显然从“天若有情天亦老”句化出，但读不通。还是要从多多锻字炼句的基础打起。直言了，勿怪。

千橡诚
童生

Joined: 12 May 2013
Posts: 9
Location: 美国
千橡诚Collection

Posted: 2013-05-15 20:58:31 Post subject:

诚谢指点，已修改。可提高？

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