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临江仙 劝学
千橡诚
童生


Joined: 12 May 2013
Posts: 9
Location: 美国
千橡诚Collection
PostPosted: 2013-05-14 22:37:25    Post subject: 临江仙 劝学 Reply with quote

临江仙 劝学

不惑之年学有获, 时光逝水孰停!
有为且有不为行, 叹踌躇满志, 天有我若情

几度是非成败憾, 学优而仕倾听
有为且有不为行, 淡功名利禄,无我亦心平。
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2013-05-15 05:37:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

写词贵在流露自然,最忌斧凿之痕。“有为且有不为行,”这句是从有所为有所不为化出,但生硬了;“天有我若情”这句显然从“天若有情天亦老”句化出,但读不通。还是要从多多锻字炼句的基础打起。直言了,勿怪。
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千橡诚
童生


Joined: 12 May 2013
Posts: 9
Location: 美国
千橡诚Collection
PostPosted: 2013-05-15 20:58:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

诚谢指点, 已修改。可提高?
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