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(原创)醉花阴-悟荷
笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2011-07-26 03:56:52    Post subject: (原创)醉花阴-悟荷 Reply with quote

文/笑聊

暑气难熬凉爽盼,姿韵凌波幻。世外数仙家,不顾炎炎,庄重多娇显。

全身奉献心胸坦,普救芸生愿。花语佛传临,觉悟诚心,大道平灾难。

调整一下,使之更符合词律。
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黄洋界
探花


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection
PostPosted: 2011-07-26 09:19:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

悟荷显佛心,“大道平灾难”,一片菩萨心肠!
笑聊兄的咏荷佳作,可以组成咏荷系列了。
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喜金石书画,友竹菊梅兰
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2011-07-27 03:36:26    Post subject: Reply with quote

黄洋界 wrote:
悟荷显佛心,“大道平灾难”,一片菩萨心肠!
...


问黄老师夏安!谢老师雅誉点评。
我改了一下,“觉悟非凡”改成:“觉悟诚心”免去了“撞韵”之嫌。
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qinghongh
榜眼


Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection
PostPosted: 2011-07-27 07:01:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

荷显佛禅慈悲怀。
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2011-07-28 04:00:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

qinghongh wrote:
荷显佛禅慈悲怀。


问好庆宏兄!谢赏读点评!

我做了调整,(下片第一句)使之符合词律。
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