William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
 Posted: 2011-01-30 17:42:04 Post subject: 【汉英微诗】落 日 |
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落 日
周道模 著译
我的最后一滴血
坠破时空 流响
The Setting Sun
My last drop of blood
Breaking time and space while falling
Its echoes are flowing
修改译诗：
the last drop of my blood
falling
through time and space
flowing echoes
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2011-01-31 09:17:30 Post subject: |
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诗越短小，对用词要求越高。我也试试，不见得好。
The last drop of my blood
drips
through time and space -
flowing echoes
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2011-02-01 02:44:28 Post subject: |
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| Lake wrote: |
诗越短小，对用词要求越高。我也试试，不见得好。
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好译！更简洁啦，谢谢！
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
| Posted: 2011-04-02 19:39:33 Post subject: |
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最后一行似乎有点弱. How about:
The last drop of my blood
roaring
through time and space
或
Roaring
through time and space
the last drop of my blood
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2011-04-02 22:50:46 Post subject: |
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| 非马 wrote: |
最后一行似乎有点弱. How about:
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谢谢非马老师的引导！roaring 一来，有点英雄气概了。
“弱”可能是更多普通人的常态了。我考虑一段时间，再取舍。
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
| Posted: 2011-04-03 06:22:38 Post subject: |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| 非马 wrote: |
最后一行似乎有点弱. How about:
... |
谢谢非马老师的引导！roaring 一来，有点英雄气概了。
... |
如果是这样, 也许可用dripping 或falling silently 代替roaring
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2011-04-04 17:04:14 Post subject: |
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| 非马 wrote: |
| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| 非马 wrote: |
最后一行似乎有点弱. How about:
... |
谢谢非马老师的引导！roaring 一来，有点英雄气概了。
... |
如果是这样, 也许可用dripping 或falling silently 代替roaring |
谢谢老师的继续引导！
这两句诗，从构思和立意，想了很久、很多。是去掉“我的”好还是保留好？翻译后面来改。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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| Back to top |
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|
非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
| Posted: 2011-04-04 17:38:23 Post subject: |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| 非马 wrote: |
| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| 非马 wrote: |
最后一行似乎有点弱. How about:
... |
谢谢非马老师的引导！roaring 一来，有点英雄气概了。
... |
如果是这样, 也许可用dripping 或falling silently 代替roaring |
谢谢老师的继续引导！
... |
用"我的"就真的有点英雄气概或悲壮情怀了. 或许可用"宇宙的", 但那得看你的企图.
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2011-04-04 17:49:16 Post subject: |
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谢谢老师的指引！我现在悟出来了，这是两首诗。一首是我写我的，二首是我写宇宙的人类的。
《落日》一
我的最后一滴血
呼啸，坠破时空
《落日》二
最后一滴血
坠破时空，流响
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
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