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地下铁
维鹿延
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 212
Location: 中国广东
维鹿延Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-11 04:27:26    Post subject: 地下铁 Reply with quote

地下铁

维鹿延

从一个斜面开始
让自己沉降,从脚踝开始
到地平线以下
这就是地下铁。让地下铁把我淹没
企图放大的心跳
演变成距离强烈地萎缩
两分钟、一分钟,甚至七八秒
所有的公里不过是钞针

触摸之下,单程车票以圆形、深蓝的面孔出现
它使我得以进入(进入是多么美妙的体验)
它还使我得以行走在秒针之间
我感觉到停留不过是一分闲谈
等待是简短的爱情
所有的幸福都在速度的核子里面深藏
分子、原子、质子在它的外围
思考尚未得到有效的鼓胀
它的箱体便打开了,我们蜂拥而出
速度就这样释放掉城市的囚犯

从另一个斜面升起
泛着地下铁清冷光泽的面庞被阳光射击
五月的花朵盛开人间芬芳
我抚摸心跳,它没有忏悔
它落入地下铁的时候一直没有停止
我把所有的言语都隐藏起来
隐藏到心脏、神经、人体大动脉
那是我真正的地下铁
运行着我的语言和思想
每一个日子,我勿忙行走
只有地下铁安然运行在身体里面
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散步者身体里面的声音
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-11 04:40:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

说不好,总的感觉芜杂,内在的和外在的线理得不好。
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杯中冲浪.披履而行
http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-11 23:48:13    Post subject: 直说了 Reply with quote

第一段,第二段特别好,现代派特征淋漓尽致

第三段,感觉有回收的迹象,朝传统靠拢,风格不统一,调起来的情绪,一下子没了,不太好。
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孙慧峰
童生


Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 97

孙慧峰Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 06:07:30    Post subject: 不错 Reply with quote

读了,很耐咀嚼!
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维鹿延
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 212
Location: 中国广东
维鹿延Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 06:19:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢大家真诚的点评。说实话,写的时候只有表达,只有心里面的冲撞。第三段恰恰是我最想表达的东西,那是一分大城市(广州)于人于心巨大的孤独。
呵……提供给大家参考,接受大家的意见。
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维鹿延
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 212
Location: 中国广东
维鹿延Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 06:35:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

从风格的问题入手,确实一针见血。再谢迪拜了。
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 07:23:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

这是一首很耐磨的诗歌
进入过程和状态的描述细腻而生动
最后的升华, 让人感慨

建议加精
Very Happy
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 07:51:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

再读,学习了~
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-12 16:53:03    Post subject: 我对诗歌的评论比较直白 Reply with quote

我对诗歌的评论比较直白,

如果无法接受,请包涵

毕竟,还有其他诗人的不同观点可以参考.
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鹤雨
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 113
Location: 上海
鹤雨Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-13 18:01:25    Post subject: 最内心深层的抒发,是最具生命 Reply with quote

质感的语言!喜欢这样的文字,能感觉到作者真实的心理感受!问好!
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愿意和大家共同进步!
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-13 19:55:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

维鹿延能从自身的生活入手
经过了理性思考, 深入人的内心深处, 值得朋友们借鉴

还是我来加这个精吧
Very Happy
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左岸
秀才


Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-19 19:23:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

那是我真正的地下铁
运行着我的语言和思想
每一个日子,我勿忙行走
只有地下铁安然运行在身体里面
通过心灵对话体验生命,问好。
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黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河
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墨染红颜
童生


Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 69

墨染红颜Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-22 05:11:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

心灵深处的文字,学习:)
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风花飞有态,烟絮坠无痕。
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左岸
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Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-22 14:32:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

再读有外延与张力的作品。
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金金
进士出身


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-20 00:05:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

还是“单点——开放语句状态——唯心思考”的过程,要认清自己,多多努力。 party
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