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běiměifēng shǒuyè -> 西方文学 Western Literature fābiǎoxīntiè   huífùtièzǐ
A Mermaid's Tune 美人鱼之歌,E1/1,2,待续
nightingale2
童生


zhùcèshíjiān: 2009-10-22
tièzǐ: 59

nightingale2běiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2010-09-03 23:40:57    fābiǎozhùtí: A Mermaid's Tune 美人鱼之歌,E1/1,2,待续 yǐnyòngbìnghuífù




A Mermaid's Tune

Episode 1.

1/ A Mist in the 2-D World

Please forgive a mermaid’s foolish tune
That passing through the morning dew
Who soon be turned into a mist in sky
By the rays the sun shall lie
And forget the disturbance the mini-bee stirred
As the flower was in deep dream without alert

She’s merely a mist or two
Worth zero to grasp
Drifts in the 2-dimention world
No deeper than nothing, as I was told.

美人鱼之歌

第一章

1/ 平面世界里的雾

请原谅美人鱼蠢笨的歌调
那调子穿过清晨的露
这露水转瞬将化为空中的雾
在那太阳将光线躺下之处
忘了这小小蜂儿的打扰吧
那朵花不曾在深深的梦中受过警示呢

她只是些许的薄雾
握在手中所值绝无
在二维的平面世界中飘逸
毫无深度,我最清楚

2/ A Tropical Fish

A tropical fish in rain
Sobbing her sorrow in pain
Yesterday’s today
Tomorrow’s the same
Murky, the name of the water
Darkness, surround her like the sweet-wrapper
For a long time she’s been in half-coma
The supplies for life ----the mixture
Brewed with all the escapers
----the Pandora’s lost treasures, good ones and evils

And you, my dear, the very thing I mind
The best thing I left behind
Yet still in the Box
As innocent as ever
As pure as still water
Never should I dip a dirty finger in it.
My only hope, you, live in another world
As in our previous lives, once I
Was in the wedding-dresss, standing by
The railway, you whistled by
In the train of no-return and away, forever

Like the fish and the shore
Only lives in each other’s sight for sure
Yet the reality the sea, keeps us
On the bay of our own lives, you see
Only, I could, hear your heart beating, as you could
Hear mine’s pumping, in the soft moonlight
When gently, the sea horses sing the romantic lines


2/ 一条热带鱼

一条雨中的热带鱼
悲苦地暗泣着
昨日即今日
明日又这般都是一样的
污浊,是海水的名字
黑暗,糖纸般将她紧紧地包裹
长久来她昏茫迷落
维持她生命的----一种混合剂
用逃跑者们发酵而成
----那些潘多拉丢失的珍宝,善的与恶的

而你,我亲爱的,我极珍贵的
最美好的一物
却被我留在了身后
留在了那个盒子里
天真如初
纯如蒸馏水般
我永不该将那水玷污。我仅有的希望
你却生活在另一个世界上
而前世里,我曾
穿着婚纱站在铁道边,你呼啸而错
在单向火车里就这般地远离,从未回来过

就如鱼和海岸
活着只能两相顾看
那海水那现实,将我俩
保留在各自生活的一边,你明白么
然而,我能听见你的心跳,就如你
可以听见我的心搏,在那温柔的月色中
当轻轻地,海马们唱着浪漫的歌



-待续-

(* 这故事只是写了玩的草稿,还没完全成型,正在写作和考虑中,若写得不咋样,将来未必会出版;那个出版,大约也要20年以后了,所以啊,慢慢修改吧,哈哈,老牛拉车就这个德性 Razz
问好大家!尽管批评提意见哦,俺脸皮反正很厚 Laughing
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客
SLIU
秀才


zhùcèshíjiān: 2010-01-01
tièzǐ: 384

SLIUběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2010-09-07 17:10:26    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

有韵的朗朗上口! 问候。。
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán
William Zhou周道模
探花


zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-06-10
tièzǐ: 3950
láizì: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模běiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2010-09-08 23:20:43    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

go on,please.
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客 liúlǎnfābiǎozhědezhùyè
Lake
举人


zhùcèshíjiān: 2007-01-09
tièzǐ: 1286

Lakeběiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2010-09-27 10:46:59    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

Yes, continue.

Just a quick read of the first stanza.

The second line,

"That passing through the morning dew"

either take out "that" or "that passes through"

The third line,

not sure "who" is until I read the Chinese version. Would "that" or "which" work better? Is there a "will" needed before "soon"?
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客
nightingale2
童生


zhùcèshíjiān: 2009-10-22
tièzǐ: 59

nightingale2běiměifēngwénjí
tièzǐfābiǎoyú: 2010-11-01 10:18:32    fābiǎozhùtí: yǐnyòngbìnghuífù

Lake xièdào:
Yes, continue.
...


thank you,lake.after your wash,my head is a lot clearer now Razz
fǎnyèshǒu
yuèlǎnchéngyuánzīliào fāsòngsīrénliúyán 博客
cóngyǐqiándetièzǐkāishǐxiǎnshì:   
biǎoqíngtúàn
Very Happy Smile Sad Surprised
Shocked Confused Cool Laughing
Mad Razz Embarassed Crying or Very sad
Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Rolling Eyes Wink
Exclamation Question Idea Arrow
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běiměifēng shǒuyè -> 西方文学 Western Literature    fābiǎoxīntiè   huífùtièzǐ
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