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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

（原创）捣练子-初秋影象-兼和白云兄

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-02 22:30:18 Post subject: （原创）捣练子-初秋影象-兼和白云兄

（原创）捣练子-初秋影象-兼和白云兄文/笑聊临屏促写，错误难免，敬请指正。河浪纵，映明霞。幻彩涟漪落日斜。莲动渔舟荷挡脸， [color=darkred]采莲[/color]一曲唱奴家。

影沉寒水
举人

Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Posts: 1145
Location: 中国福建
影沉寒水Collection

Posted: 2010-09-03 05:14:12 Post subject:

秋字没有体现? _________________ 诗无涯。思在线

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-03 06:11:09 Post subject:

影沉寒水 wrote:

秋字没有体现?

晚歌一曲唱奴家。采莲一曲唱奴家。

用采莲点题。

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-09-03 06:43:30 Post subject:

謝謝唱和! 笑聊,在用詞上有一点与你切磋:"蓮"即"荷",同一诗句内,两字并用,不太适宜,請斟酌! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-03 17:27:21 Post subject:

河浪纵，听蝉哑。幻彩涟漪落日斜。莲动渔舟荷挡脸，金风乍起唱奴家改写一下，再批！

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-09-05 08:00:34 Post subject:

笑聊,"蓮动漁舟荷挡脸"中,一句内同時使用"蓮"与"荷",值得好好斟酌! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-05 13:43:07 Post subject:

河浪纵，听蝉哑。幻彩涟漪落日斜。莲动渔舟裙挡脸，荷改裙。采莲阿娇时不时地被碧绿荷叶遮挡。金风乍起唱奴家诗是改出来的，谢谢白云兄点拨！

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-09-06 07:10:16 Post subject:

笑聊,依你的诗意,我感觉用"歌动舟移荷掩映",既可避免"莲""荷"同用,又可与結句"唱奴家"相互呼应;且"荷掩映"較之"裙挡臉"來得婉约些. 仅供切磋! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-06 15:19:27 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

笑聊,依你的诗意,我感觉用"歌动舟移荷掩映",既可避免"莲""荷"同用,又可与結句"唱奴家"相互呼应;且"荷掩映"較之"裙挡臉"來得婉约些. 仅供切磋!

白云兄所言不错。就依你提供的诗句。

河浪纵，
听蝉哑。
幻彩涟漪落日斜。
歌绕舟移荷掩映，
金风乍起唱奴家。

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2010-09-07 09:06:52 Post subject:

笑聊,互相多交流,生活乐优悠! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

笑聊
探花

Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection

Posted: 2010-09-08 14:15:37 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

笑聊,互相多交流,生活乐优悠!

谢谢白云兄赐句，问好！

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